Dilemma

[jzd4rma]

My dear brothers and sister I would like your opinion on this matter.

I got married recently, when I met my wife I found out out that although she said she was a practicing muslim, her sister converted to Christianity. She assured me she and the rest of her sisters disagreed with this. However I found out her father and mother kept in contact with their christian daughter and husband. And they showed no signs of shame and disgust to what this person did in fact when my mother spoke to her parents they seemed quite proud and happy about this and my mother was disturbed by this because I told her everything.

Because my wife promised that she's not like that I married her with my mothers consent (my father passed away when I was 6). However I made it clear with my wife that since her parents show no remorse and awareness of how serious this matter is I wish to keep my distance but I told her that since they are her parents then she has an obligation to help them when they need it and she has my permission. And I thought the matter is closed!

Yesterday we were talking of hajj I said to her that I would like to undertake the pilgrimmage next year since I am of the right age (29) and have no obligation and she said she would like that too. My mother said she would like that too so insha' Allah I hope this will come true. My wife then said she would like her parents to come too, I then told her that I am not happy with it because with regards to religious issue I find them disturbing because of how they treat what their other daughter did so lightly and try to make other people accept it as normal behavior and until they change their attitude I do not wish them to accompany to the pilgrimage. She was upset by my view, but I did tell her that she has my permission to go with them and her parents can go together.

Do you think thats reasonable, because I am not stopping anyone going but I do not wish to be near people who show no remorse on their other daughters behavior and try to encourage other people to accept it? In fact they have three younger daughters and seem to show little desire to set example of decent behavior. I know this is not my business but the Hajj is for myself and I do not wish them to ruin such a wonderful experience when and if I get the chance.

[gandalf]

Re: Dilemma

With respect brother, I don't think its your place to boycott your parents-in-law over something that you don't seem intimately involved in, and which really doesn't affect you, or your family.

I wonder if you really appreciate what your wife's parents are going through regarding this matter. Try putting yourself in their shoes - they have to approach this in a way that doesn't shut their daughter out of their lives - and therefore Islam completely. You seem far too judgmental - when in reality its not your problem, and you are not the one who has to deal with it. Why on earth would you object to the in-laws joining you on the Hajj over a matter that has no bearing on you or your family? It just sounds like sour grapes. I wonder how stressful this is making your wife - having you judging her parents like this and refusing to become part of her family. It all seems very unislamic to me. I think you need to be more considerate of your wife and her duty to her family.

[jzd4rma]

Re: Dilemma

With respect brother, I don't think its your place to boycott your parents-in-law over something that you don't seem intimately involved in, and which really doesn't affect you, or your family.

I wonder if you really appreciate what your wife's parents are going through regarding this matter. Try putting yourself in their shoes - they have to approach this in a way that doesn't shut their daughter out of their lives - and therefore Islam completely. You seem far too judgmental - when in reality its not your problem, and you are not the one who has to deal with it. Why on earth would you object to the in-laws joining you on the Hajj over a matter that has no bearing on you or your family? It just sounds like sour grapes. I wonder how stressful this is making your wife - having you judging her parents like this and refusing to become part of her family. It all seems very unislamic to me. I think you need to be more considerate of your wife and her duty to her family.

Hello brother I am not boycotting anyone I have no power over anyone not going to Hajj its just I do not wish them to join me because they are perfectly capable of doing this on their own I desired to treat them as my own parents. But everything they have done has hardened my will against them and I realise how reckless they are!

You say they wish to keep the door of islam open to their christian daughter. How is this possible when she tries to preach Christianity to her family? They have younger daughters but they let her come to their home and swan around influence these young impressionable minds does that seem wise? They had the cheek to try and introduce me to her after I was married even though they knew I would find this unacceptable!

My wife agrees with me that her family are open and don't really find this type of behavior unacceptable (her cousins have married hindus and one of her relatives drink) in addition my wife has admitted to me that her parents had made little attempts to guide them when they were young. With such mix bunch people I do not wish to make any acquaintance with these people, and before you missjudge some members of her family have more money than me! My main reason is because I do not wish to end up having my own mind corrupted and any events involved with her parents has resulted in me baring all the stress and worry. As a result I am not willing jeopardize my own Hajj with my own hard earned money for people who have little regard for me.

P.S. You say I am unislamic you are wrong before I got married she confessed about her family background but she promised me she was not like that, which is why I married her!

[leela]

Re: Dilemma

I agree with Gandalf. Your in-laws desire to go for hajj with you has no connection with their relationship to their non-Muslim daughter. Why do you wish them to cut her out of their life anyway when cutting ties is highly discouraged islamically? That's a rather unreasonable expectation from you.

You should also consider your wife's feelings when referring to her parents. They raised her and are a big part of her life. Your obvious disrespect will have an effect on her.

I do think you're making a big issue out of a very minor thing. You have no real reason for not allowing your in laws to come for hajj with you, and it may be a cause of sadness to your wife. In my opinion, you have more to gain by accompanying them than not.

[jzd4rma]

Re: Dilemma

I agree with Gandalf. Your in-laws desire to go for hajj with you has no connection with their relationship to their non-Muslim daughter. Why do you wish them to cut her out of their life anyway when cutting ties is highly discouraged islamically? That's a rather unreasonable expectation from you.

You should also consider your wife's feelings when referring to her parents. They raised her and are a big part of her life. Your obvious disrespect will have an effect on her.

I do think you're making a big issue out of a very minor thing. You have no real reason for not allowing your in laws to come for hajj with you, and it may be a cause of sadness to your wife. In my opinion, you have more to gain by accompanying them than not.

I realize my fault is posting this on a web forum if you met my in-laws then you may have understood where I am coming from. I am not giving the whole picture its difficult online. Maybe I will try to talk to my local mullah.

[jzd4rma]

Re: Dilemma

I agree with Gandalf. Your in-laws desire to go for hajj with you has no connection with their relationship to their non-Muslim daughter. Why do you wish them to cut her out of their life anyway when cutting ties is highly discouraged islamically? That's a rather unreasonable expectation from you.

.

Mainly because they have younger daughters who may end up like this because they are indicating its okay to be christian? So thats unreasonable?

[-Jibril-]

Re: Dilemma

...........

[neelu]

Re: Dilemma

I agree with Jibril in that I really understand and relate to the brother's feelings and don't think he's being unislamic at all (although I do need someone to translate what 'ridda' means). I also come from a non practising family and although my parents and sister try to be accomodating and considerate about my beliefs being more staunch than theirs, but there are other times when it gets incredibly awkward and yes one of the most awkward things is when another relative is flagrantly sinning and flaunting their sin (such as the cousin's son who was living with his girlfriend and he'd bring her round to family gatherings and weddings) and the rest of the family chat to them open their doors to them and even argue with you if you say this is wrong or this should not be accepted (he has since married his girlfriend but that's not the point).

There have been a number of incidents over the years that really put me on the spot and made things awkward. Sometimes I avoided the situation, sometimes I bit my tongue to keep the peace with family, sometimes I went along with the status quo cos' I didn't see I had much of a choice but the few occasions when I did actually draw a line and speak my mind to say such a thing is unacceptable and all hell broke loose. You wont believe how I was treated like the bad guy like I must be the nastiest, meanest piece of $cum to dare say that haraam is haraam and shouldn't be accepted it's really disheartening cos' unlike your wife, I don't have the option to leave and I don't think marriage will be on the cards either.

I wouldn't be surprised that if your wife is deeni... maybe one of the reasons she married you is precisely because she had to face a lot of that fitnah on her own and hoped getting married to a deeni brother would help her escape from much of it and yet... in spite of wanting to escape, I can still relate to the sentiment of wanting to remain close to family (at least those who are still Muslim in the family in spite of their sins anyway), not wanting to lose touch and I'd imagine she must feel really quite torn that any time she visits her parents then you're not a part of the picture. I think that must be hard on her though at the same time I understand why you feel that way about them.

I don't know what advice to give as I've encountered such problems myself and it sticks you between a rock and hard place. Part of me feels like you shouldn't punish her parents for what is a separate relationship between them and their Christian daughter (though of course you can break ties with the Christian) BUT having said that, I also realise that if you reestablish contact and meeting with her parents, as they are not remorseful they will continue to put you in awkward situations such as trying to introduce their Christian daughter to you at which point if you say a word about it (no matter how politely) they will take it badly and say you're a horrible person- especially if they feel overprotective about their Christian daughter.

There is SO much more that I can say about this but don't want to come across as bad mouthing my family especially as I'm disabled and my parents look after me even though they're over 70 so at the same time I know there's a lot of good in them as well but sometimes ARRGGH!! The STRESS!!

[Fairy]

Re: Dilemma

jzd4rma

<< my friend is exactly in the same boat as you, identical story

let her parents go do hajj, they might realise the error of their ways

remember Allah said that our children n wealth are a test for us. its their weakness. maybe this trip to hajj may bring them closer. Dont punish ur wife for what her misguided parents r doing.

(Your wealth and your children are only a Fintah, whereas Allah! With Him is a great reward.) Allah said that the wealth and children are a test and trial from Allah the Exalted for His creatures, so that He knows those who obey Him and those who disobey Him. Allah's statement,