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  • #16
    Re: Need help with my family

    aww yeh eid mubarak 2 u too :love:
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    • #17
      Re: Need help with my family

      As salaam alaikum,

      After posting this original thread quite a few months ago, I have to say I'm still finding it very hard to deal with my parents especially since I've become pregnant alhamdullialh.

      I'm supposed to be moving into my parent's house insha'Allah (my dad lives in Cyprus and my mum is waiting to move into her old flat once her tenants have moved out). They've kindly decorated most of the house for us and because of this I have asked my mother to smoke outside as she just won't give up her habit. Mainly because I don't want to move into a fag stinking house or get all the new paint discoloured or have to breathe in the smoke when I pop round there unannounced especially with baby in my tummy.

      However, I was very disappointed to find out that she's actually been smoking in the conservatory and not outside, this was on the same day that I found her to have cheapo meat slices which are bad for her health, cholestrol, etc., it was liver sausage made out of pork! :(
      What makes it worse is that my dad is due back for a visit and no doubt he'll be smoking all over the house, and it's not just fags, it's weed which makes me feel sick.

      I just don't know how to deal with it, I'm finding it hard to show them any respect when I feel they don't show me that much with the whole smoking thing. I've really tried to make the effort, every weekend I'm free, I've been cooking for my mum, trying hard to build a friendship, I've been putting up with my dad's request to be a sister to his illegitmate daughter, but I'm finding it harder to face them. I just don't want to know. I've prayed for sabr and I've got a lot of stressful things going on and I know I shouldn't be stressed in my condition, but they're just adding to it unneccessarily.

      I don't know what to do, who to turn to, I just feel so upset
      ..i have nothing else to say (for now) :D

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Need help with my family

        Originally posted by Firdes View Post
        As salaam alaikum,

        After posting this original thread quite a few months ago, I have to say I'm still finding it very hard to deal with my parents especially since I've become pregnant alhamdullialh.

        I'm supposed to be moving into my parent's house insha'Allah (my dad lives in Cyprus and my mum is waiting to move into her old flat once her tenants have moved out). They've kindly decorated most of the house for us and because of this I have asked my mother to smoke outside as she just won't give up her habit. Mainly because I don't want to move into a fag stinking house or get all the new paint discoloured or have to breathe in the smoke when I pop round there unannounced especially with baby in my tummy.

        However, I was very disappointed to find out that she's actually been smoking in the conservatory and not outside, this was on the same day that I found her to have cheapo meat slices which are bad for her health, cholestrol, etc., it was liver sausage made out of pork! :(
        What makes it worse is that my dad is due back for a visit and no doubt he'll be smoking all over the house, and it's not just fags, it's weed which makes me feel sick.

        I just don't know how to deal with it, I'm finding it hard to show them any respect when I feel they don't show me that much with the whole smoking thing. I've really tried to make the effort, every weekend I'm free, I've been cooking for my mum, trying hard to build a friendship, I've been putting up with my dad's request to be a sister to his illegitmate daughter, but I'm finding it harder to face them. I just don't want to know. I've prayed for sabr and I've got a lot of stressful things going on and I know I shouldn't be stressed in my condition, but they're just adding to it unneccessarily.

        I don't know what to do, who to turn to, I just feel so upset

        Hey sis please dun feel upset. I know it's tough that you have to be the strong one amongst them... we can't change other people if they have lost faith or not willing to put in the effort... pray sis... pray... and May Allah stay close to you during these hard times... Ameen... :)
        :up: :lailah: :up:

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        • #19
          Re: Need help with my family

          Originally posted by Firdes View Post
          As salaam alaikum,

          After posting this original thread quite a few months ago, I have to say I'm still finding it very hard to deal with my parents especially since I've become pregnant alhamdullialh.

          I'm supposed to be moving into my parent's house insha'Allah (my dad lives in Cyprus and my mum is waiting to move into her old flat once her tenants have moved out). They've kindly decorated most of the house for us and because of this I have asked my mother to smoke outside as she just won't give up her habit. Mainly because I don't want to move into a fag stinking house or get all the new paint discoloured or have to breathe in the smoke when I pop round there unannounced especially with baby in my tummy.

          However, I was very disappointed to find out that she's actually been smoking in the conservatory and not outside, this was on the same day that I found her to have cheapo meat slices which are bad for her health, cholestrol, etc., it was liver sausage made out of pork! :(
          What makes it worse is that my dad is due back for a visit and no doubt he'll be smoking all over the house, and it's not just fags, it's weed which makes me feel sick.

          I just don't know how to deal with it, I'm finding it hard to show them any respect when I feel they don't show me that much with the whole smoking thing. I've really tried to make the effort, every weekend I'm free, I've been cooking for my mum, trying hard to build a friendship, I've been putting up with my dad's request to be a sister to his illegitmate daughter, but I'm finding it harder to face them. I just don't want to know. I've prayed for sabr and I've got a lot of stressful things going on and I know I shouldn't be stressed in my condition, but they're just adding to it unneccessarily.

          I don't know what to do, who to turn to, I just feel so upset
          wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh ukhti... to be honest i think ur parents are being amazing to be giving you a home of your own at their expense.. masha Allah, it is your mothers home, and it is up to her what she does in her house, if she wants to smoke in her house, then i really dont think u are in a position to ask her not to. It is her home after all, and Honestly ukhti look at how much she is doing for u and ur husband and u are both in your 40`s if its too much of a hassle then maybe u and ur husband would be better off finding ur own place to live, so then it will take the pressure off u and ur parents because they can just be themselves, and u wont have to ask them to adjust their lifestyle in case u happen to pop round one day... honestly sis be gentle on ur mother subhanAllah she is doing so much for u right up until this day. I cannot imagine having to provide a home for my son and his wife...should be the opposite way round..

          Honestly i would take a step back and look again at the situation if i were u sis. It could be hormones are kicking in and making u feel weepy, when u are pregnant u do get the urge to "nest" and prepare ur future home, but please look at the situation from another angle, then insha Allah u maybe able to see how much ur mother is doing for u and u wont clash with her insha Allah. be gentle on ur mother insha Allah ta ala, if u are finding it hard to have a step sister, then imagine how ur mother must be feeling under the circustances...


          i dont think u can complain about anything, u are being given, a free house, ur mother is kicking out her tenants ( which means no income for her from them anymore) your parents have decorated the house, and ur mother is moving out to a flat and all so her daughter and her husband can have her house ....

          wow what a woman is all i can say look how much she is doing for u.. and u want her to send outside in the cold to have a fag... honestly sis i think u need to appreciate how much is being done for u insha Allah say Alhamdulillah, u can always wash down the paintwork later if its smoke stained, and the fridge can be washed out its not a big deal ukhti, but it is a big deal how much ur parents are still continuing to do for u masha Allah so id just thank Allah ta ala for that, chin up ukhti, try and see all the good insha Allah thats they do for u :up:

          barakAllahu feeki may Allah ta ala keep u and ur baby safe amin :love: fi amaanillah wa salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
          Last edited by *asiya*; 22-06-07, 08:51 AM.
          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

          The Prophet :saw: said:

          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

          muslim

          Narrated 'Abdullah:

          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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          • #20
            Re: Need help with my family

            Wow, asiya, I know you mean well sis, however, a lot of what you have said has upset me further. You have responded I guess to the info provided which isn't the whole story, but maybe that's my fault.

            You've made me sound like some kind of ungrateful pillaging person when I am not and my parents are not making so many sacrifices as you say. I have my own home which I have been paying my mortage and bills for the last 15 years. I have put up with awful noise nuisance from neighbours as I live in a tiny one bedroom flat and my nerves have been shot to pieces. The house would be rightfully mine through inheritance, who else are my parents meant to leave it to? I will be paying all the bills and income from my rented flat will be going to my parents. They don't even need the money. My dad sold one of his flats and is living the life of riley in Cyprus and gives my mum a monthly allowance. She is a 70 year old woman living in a 3 bedroom house all alone. Her two bedroom apartment is better for her to look after and she's closer to friends and family.
            My mum decided to swap properties now to try and avoid inheritance tax and so my dad doesn't give all his properties to his illigitimate 12 year old daughter. I've even said to my mum, if ever she falls ill and needs looking after, she must move back into the house so I can take care of her.
            All I wanted was for her to give up smoking, or go outside, this isn't the 70s when we didn't know the affects of smoking. It's a very selfish thing and I don't know why she can't sort it out for the sake of her future grandchild at least. Of course I pop round my mum's unannounced, I live 5 minutes away, am I meant to make an appointment? We also know the affects of passive smoking and there's even a law passing 1st July to stop people smoking in confined spaces. I really don't think it's too much to ask for to go outside for a fag, it's not the middle of winter! My mum likes me popping round and I try to please her, but if she's been smoking in the house, why should I go and breathe in her smoke especially being pregnant, my priority is to protect my baby. But hey, who am I to complain? I'm getting some bricks and mortar which they can't take with them to the grave, I already have a roof over my head alhamdullilah, but then I'm just an ungrateful, selfish cow who probably doesn't deserve anything!

            I really thought someone would understand my dilemmas about having parents like this here and I did state that I had nowhwere else to go, I am really suprised at how harsh you have been with me sister. I love my mum and I want her to have a long life to see her grandchild grow up and not kill herself from smoking, she's already beaten cancer once alhamdullilah.
            Last edited by Firdes; 22-06-07, 09:50 AM.
            ..i have nothing else to say (for now) :D

            Comment


            • #21
              "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

              The Prophet :saw: said:

              "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

              muslim

              Narrated 'Abdullah:

              The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


              "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

              By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

              [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Need help with my family

                aww Firdes sorry 2 hear u are upset :(
                I think its natural that u want ur mum 2 stop smoking especially cos of the health issues for it. Mayb rather than trying to tell her 2 go outside 2 smoke u cn try 2 get her 2 realise the health problems more and try 2 quit? its not impossible for her as my grandparents quit after smoking their whole life... theres a lot of programs 2 quit which are around especially at the moment with the ban coming in july, mayb u cn see if she will b willing, and also make dua about it.. as dua is very strong weapon so definately worth persisting in it insha allah :)
                as asiya was saying about looking on the positive side... well @ least smoking in conservatory is better than in the main house right? so u cn tell from this that ur mum is trying 2 take ur wishes on board not jst disregarding. she was probably cold 2 go outside i guess... conservatories are made mainly of glass right? or window? so there wont be thattt much paint in there 2 discolour and i think discolouring mainly comes from long term right so it might b okay...
                if she just smokes only in that room wen u come round the air shudnt b so bad either insha allah? i dno.. i kno my grandparents whole place used 2 smell of cigarettes a bit like ne item u bring in, wen u come out it has the trace of cigarertte smell ingrained in it bt they used 2 smoke in the whole of the downstairs..
                try ur best not to let it upset u sis, after u move in anyway u cn get the place looking n being exactly how u want it and all nice for ur new baby and everything will be fine insha allah :love: so try not to worry... although i dnt blame u cos its normal 2 want everything sorted for the baby, especally with nesting instincts like asiya said.. i wd b the same :p
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