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    I hate being married

    Assalamulaikum sisters. id prefer advice from the admins or married/divorced muslims only, please.

    I've been married going on one year, husband is a narcissist by every definition of the word. abusive both mentally and physically. will curse me with the most vile words and curses for no reason at all and then act sweet two hours later like nothing happened, without an apology, and expects me to reply with affection like i havent just been insulted or hit. I love him and have grown close to him during his short happy moods, but I am at the end of my rope with his immaturity and pettiness and explosive anger. when he shoves me it takes all my strength not to physically fight him back, and i only do that because i do love him. lately I disobey every order because his petty, controlling commands are ridiculous and i just cant take it anymore. like which fingers i'm allowed to eat with, when and what im allowed to eat or drink but of course he can eat or drink whatever he likes, or not being allowed to have any friends or speak to anyone without permission. ever. i cant even answer my own phone that i pay for and he checks my call logs. he also takes my salary to use and doesnt allow me to spend my money without permission. no reason or explanation if i complain i get insulted until i shut up. so i am alone and not even allowed to shop without him because he is jealous of both male and female shop employees and doesnt want me speaking to anyone except him or buying myself food he doesnt approve of. if he gets angry about anything he ignores me for days sometimes weeks, not one single word just walks past without eye contact, even if its not my fault. this marriage is destroying my iman and my respect for him is completely gone. and yes he pretended to be religious before marriage, but he isnt at all. fooled me and wali, who was an unrelated sheikh because i have no family. i wont go into more detail to avoid more backbiting. im not sure i want a divorce but at the same time i wish i had never married him. i doubt that he is ever going to mature and even if he does, i dont have the patience to wait 10 or 20 years for him to grow up. im miserable now. when i ask for marriage therapy i get another rage fit and episode of being ignored. i dont want to fight i just want him to be normal and have a normal marriage but hes so emotional that each day is like torture just not knowing what to expect from him im always afraid to even breathe around him. sometimes im hopeful that he will change and care about me like he did in the beginning and other times i just want to run away and never come back. really i regret getting married.

    #2
    Re: I hate being married

    :wswrwb:

    I'll bump this thread and the married/divorced members on here will give you advice :insha:
    “And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than (his) jugular vein.” (Quran 50:16)

    Comment


      #3
      Re: I hate being married

      [MENTION=104157]zi-zizou[/MENTION] [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION] [MENTION=47857]Indefinable[/MENTION] [MENTION=89596]Muslima London[/MENTION]

      Comment


        #4
        Re: I hate being married

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
        The message she is giving him is that no matter how you treat me I will still love you. I don't think I can help here.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: I hate being married

          Originally posted by regretmarried View Post
          Assalamulaikum sisters. id prefer advice from the admins or married/divorced muslims only, please.

          I've been married going on one year, husband is a narcissist by every definition of the word. abusive both mentally and physically. will curse me with the most vile words and curses for no reason at all and then act sweet two hours later like nothing happened, without an apology, and expects me to reply with affection like i havent just been insulted or hit. I love him and have grown close to him during his short happy moods, but I am at the end of my rope with his immaturity and pettiness and explosive anger. when he shoves me it takes all my strength not to physically fight him back, and i only do that because i do love him. lately I disobey every order because his petty, controlling commands are ridiculous and i just cant take it anymore. like which fingers i'm allowed to eat with, when and what im allowed to eat or drink but of course he can eat or drink whatever he likes, or not being allowed to have any friends or speak to anyone without permission. ever. i cant even answer my own phone that i pay for and he checks my call logs. he also takes my salary to use and doesnt allow me to spend my money without permission. no reason or explanation if i complain i get insulted until i shut up. so i am alone and not even allowed to shop without him because he is jealous of both male and female shop employees and doesnt want me speaking to anyone except him or buying myself food he doesnt approve of. if he gets angry about anything he ignores me for days sometimes weeks, not one single word just walks past without eye contact, even if its not my fault. this marriage is destroying my iman and my respect for him is completely gone. and yes he pretended to be religious before marriage, but he isnt at all. fooled me and wali, who was an unrelated sheikh because i have no family. i wont go into more detail to avoid more backbiting. im not sure i want a divorce but at the same time i wish i had never married him. i doubt that he is ever going to mature and even if he does, i dont have the patience to wait 10 or 20 years for him to grow up. im miserable now. when i ask for marriage therapy i get another rage fit and episode of being ignored. i dont want to fight i just want him to be normal and have a normal marriage but hes so emotional that each day is like torture just not knowing what to expect from him im always afraid to even breathe around him. sometimes im hopeful that he will change and care about me like he did in the beginning and other times i just want to run away and never come back. really i regret getting married.
          Wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

          Either he is as you have stated, a narcissist, and will most likely be incapable or even willing to change his ways and either you've got to live with his man as he is, or else call it a day now before he runs you down even more until eventually you become incapable of changing your own situation. True narcissists will not get better.

          or,

          He is abusive and the fact you've allowed matters to continue means he has taken this as a green light to continue in his behavior. This doesn't mean he will necessarily change, just that it is possible he can and with counselling he will possibly be able to get help and change his ways.

          However the first step is either case is stopping playing the game by his rules. By this I don't mean small acts of disobedience as you've done, you need to obey your husband within reason, but I am talking just saying no you're not tolerating such abusive and bullying behavior. and being firm in that no. Not letting him off, let him sulk for weeks if he likes, you're on the moral high ground here.

          Tell him he is wrong, then don't cry, don't shout, be reasonable. Don't give him excuses to victim blame as most abusive spouses will do "How dare you respond to me unreasonable behavior with unreasonable behavior!" Doing so gives him an out in his mind, to still see this as a problem with you not him, he needs to be forced to stop and see what he is doing as wrong.

          If things are really this bad, and especially as there is domestic violence involved, it is better you do this from a safe place if it is possible. i.e your parents home if that is possible, or else a friend, the fact you are working means you can take back a little control in your life should you do this and after the inevitable tantrums and sulking is over, see if he shows any contrition and is willing to change. Your wali also needs to be informed, it's time he stepped back in if possible, if not inform the imam, don't suffer alone, usually when exposed to one or two trusted individuals abusive people realize they cannot get away with such behavior. If all in the home they can keep getting away with it forever.

          Where are his family in all this?
          Are they supporting his behavior or not?
          What are your family if they are available saying?

          Getting another perspective involved will also help you see if any problems from your side unless it's another cultural, jahil perspective which will just support your husband and reinforce his behavior. If he is capable of changing and shows he is sorry, good now insist on counselling, because just going back then will result in things going back to how they were, keep your advantage and use it to see if he can be pushed to change or if not don't be afraid to step out of his situation permanently.

          Though marriages go through rocky patches, especially at the beginning, and we should jump out of them at the first sign of trouble, they are their to help support us in our emaan and becoming better Muslims, raising the next generation upon the Quran and sunnah, if he is failing and is incapable or unwilling to do that for you then he is not suitable husband material.
          FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

          www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: I hate being married

            Originally posted by regretmarried View Post
            Assalamulaikum sisters. id prefer advice from the admins or married/divorced muslims only, please.

            I've been married going on one year, husband is a narcissist by every definition of the word. abusive both mentally and physically. will curse me with the most vile words and curses for no reason at all and then act sweet two hours later like nothing happened, without an apology, and expects me to reply with affection like i havent just been insulted or hit. I love him and have grown close to him during his short happy moods, but I am at the end of my rope with his immaturity and pettiness and explosive anger. when he shoves me it takes all my strength not to physically fight him back, and i only do that because i do love him. lately I disobey every order because his petty, controlling commands are ridiculous and i just cant take it anymore. like which fingers i'm allowed to eat with, when and what im allowed to eat or drink but of course he can eat or drink whatever he likes, or not being allowed to have any friends or speak to anyone without permission. ever. i cant even answer my own phone that i pay for and he checks my call logs. he also takes my salary to use and doesnt allow me to spend my money without permission. no reason or explanation if i complain i get insulted until i shut up. so i am alone and not even allowed to shop without him because he is jealous of both male and female shop employees and doesnt want me speaking to anyone except him or buying myself food he doesnt approve of. if he gets angry about anything he ignores me for days sometimes weeks, not one single word just walks past without eye contact, even if its not my fault. this marriage is destroying my iman and my respect for him is completely gone. and yes he pretended to be religious before marriage, but he isnt at all. fooled me and wali, who was an unrelated sheikh because i have no family. i wont go into more detail to avoid more backbiting. im not sure i want a divorce but at the same time i wish i had never married him. i doubt that he is ever going to mature and even if he does, i dont have the patience to wait 10 or 20 years for him to grow up. im miserable now. when i ask for marriage therapy i get another rage fit and episode of being ignored. i dont want to fight i just want him to be normal and have a normal marriage but hes so emotional that each day is like torture just not knowing what to expect from him im always afraid to even breathe around him. sometimes im hopeful that he will change and care about me like he did in the beginning and other times i just want to run away and never come back. really i regret getting married.
            Wa 'alaykum assalaam wa rahmatullaah,

            I'm sorry to hear of your situation sister, may Allaah make it easy for you, and reward you for your patience.

            Pray Istikhara, it's better to ask Allaah for guidance in this matter, no one here can advise you to divorce, but at the same time, no one should be living in circumstances that you do.

            I'm assuming you don't have any children with this man - perhaps you need to think about whether this man is 'father' material?

            Comment


              #7
              Re: I hate being married

              jzk brothers i have no family thats why i had the sheikh be my wali and i have no contact with my husbands family because they dont speak english. any choice i make i will have to do it alone. i just wanted to know what other married muslims would do in my situation like you said i need outside opinions away from jahil culture

              Comment


                #8
                Re: I hate being married

                Correction: You hate being abused.

                I'll second what gingerbeardman wrote. You need to sit down and write yourself some goals. And then set out to achieving them in a compassionate way. No need to deliver material to shayateen to do a number on you too.
                But for everyone's sake, don't be ok with the status quo!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: I hate being married

                  Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                  [MENTION=104157]zi-zizou[/MENTION] [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION] [MENTION=47857]Indefinable[/MENTION] [MENTION=89596]Muslima London[/MENTION]
                  :rotfl:
                  Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: I hate being married

                    Originally posted by InTheBegining View Post
                    :rotfl:
                    Why are my tags funny? Given what the OP asked for.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: I hate being married

                      OP, he is probably a control freak.
                      Hard when you have no family to fall back on.

                      If I were you ,I would stay away for a few days...he will miss you ,will he change I dont know.
                      You realy need someone to mediate and pump some basic marriage 101 to him

                      Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                      **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                      Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: I hate being married

                        Salaam 2leikum wrwb sister 😊 I'm sorry ur situation is bad I'm married 10 years since I'm 19 and I have similar situation I love my husband but he's become emotionally abusive not physically.. he knows I'm physically stronger than him and I can take care of myself if anything ever happened to him. AstagfA. He's kind of cowardly because he not good at doing things on his own actually so he needs me. Guys like our husbands are difficult to understand but we have to kind of continue to be good wife and take care of them and keep them happy because they do love us back, but they just are not used to showing it... I feel like running away all the time but I can't with my family overseas and 4 kids+1on the way. So essentially we are just stuck. But I know it seems difficult to think but either you can stop cooking fancy meals and shop online, make him get all the groceries and wash his own clothes for 3 days and avoid talking and looking at him , dont recommend because it made me over eat lol or you can just accept this fate we have and know that we can make it better somehow. Because no matter how many times you tell him we give this marriage our everything and he gives like 5% he won't get it. So the only choice is to stay and just keep trying to win him over.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: I hate being married

                          Originally posted by regretmarried View Post
                          Assalamulaikum sisters. id prefer advice from the admins or married/divorced muslims only, please.

                          I've been married going on one year, husband is a narcissist by every definition of the word. abusive both mentally and physically. will curse me with the most vile words and curses for no reason at all and then act sweet two hours later like nothing happened, without an apology, and expects me to reply with affection like i havent just been insulted or hit. I love him and have grown close to him during his short happy moods, but I am at the end of my rope with his immaturity and pettiness and explosive anger. when he shoves me it takes all my strength not to physically fight him back, and i only do that because i do love him. lately I disobey every order because his petty, controlling commands are ridiculous and i just cant take it anymore. like which fingers i'm allowed to eat with, when and what im allowed to eat or drink but of course he can eat or drink whatever he likes, or not being allowed to have any friends or speak to anyone without permission. ever. i cant even answer my own phone that i pay for and he checks my call logs. he also takes my salary to use and doesnt allow me to spend my money without permission. no reason or explanation if i complain i get insulted until i shut up. so i am alone and not even allowed to shop without him because he is jealous of both male and female shop employees and doesnt want me speaking to anyone except him or buying myself food he doesnt approve of. if he gets angry about anything he ignores me for days sometimes weeks, not one single word just walks past without eye contact, even if its not my fault. this marriage is destroying my iman and my respect for him is completely gone. and yes he pretended to be religious before marriage, but he isnt at all. fooled me and wali, who was an unrelated sheikh because i have no family. i wont go into more detail to avoid more backbiting. im not sure i want a divorce but at the same time i wish i had never married him. i doubt that he is ever going to mature and even if he does, i dont have the patience to wait 10 or 20 years for him to grow up. im miserable now. when i ask for marriage therapy i get another rage fit and episode of being ignored. i dont want to fight i just want him to be normal and have a normal marriage but hes so emotional that each day is like torture just not knowing what to expect from him im always afraid to even breathe around him. sometimes im hopeful that he will change and care about me like he did in the beginning and other times i just want to run away and never come back. really i regret getting married.

                          Salaam Sister.

                          First of all, what alarms me is that he lied that he was religious before marriage. You never build a relationship based on a lie. On top of that, he doesn't seem to respect you at all, and seems really manipulative. Seek advice from others if you can, if he has been abusive physically then you need to report this. Does he need therapy, is he going through something difficult that he is taking it out on you?

                          If you are genuinely not happy, and have tried speaking to him, and he still doesn't change despite trying everything, then you really need to consider whether staying with him is the right choice.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: I hate being married

                            Originally posted by regretmarried View Post
                            assalamulaikum sisters. Id prefer advice from the admins or married/divorced muslims only, please.

                            I've been married going on one year, husband is a narcissist by every definition of the word. Abusive both mentally and physically. Will curse me with the most vile words and curses for no reason at all and then act sweet two hours later like nothing happened, without an apology, and expects me to reply with affection like i havent just been insulted or hit. I love him and have grown close to him during his short happy moods, but i am at the end of my rope with his immaturity and pettiness and explosive anger. When he shoves me it takes all my strength not to physically fight him back, and i only do that because i do love him. Lately i disobey every order because his petty, controlling commands are ridiculous and i just cant take it anymore. Like which fingers i'm allowed to eat with, when and what im allowed to eat or drink but of course he can eat or drink whatever he likes, or not being allowed to have any friends or speak to anyone without permission. Ever. I cant even answer my own phone that i pay for and he checks my call logs. He also takes my salary to use and doesnt allow me to spend my money without permission. No reason or explanation if i complain i get insulted until i shut up. So i am alone and not even allowed to shop without him because he is jealous of both male and female shop employees and doesnt want me speaking to anyone except him or buying myself food he doesnt approve of. If he gets angry about anything he ignores me for days sometimes weeks, not one single word just walks past without eye contact, even if its not my fault. This marriage is destroying my iman and my respect for him is completely gone. And yes he pretended to be religious before marriage, but he isnt at all. Fooled me and wali, who was an unrelated sheikh because i have no family. I wont go into more detail to avoid more backbiting. Im not sure i want a divorce but at the same time i wish i had never married him. I doubt that he is ever going to mature and even if he does, i dont have the patience to wait 10 or 20 years for him to grow up. Im miserable now. When i ask for marriage therapy i get another rage fit and episode of being ignored. I dont want to fight i just want him to be normal and have a normal marriage but hes so emotional that each day is like torture just not knowing what to expect from him im always afraid to even breathe around him. Sometimes im hopeful that he will change and care about me like he did in the beginning and other times i just want to run away and never come back. Really i regret getting married.
                            use paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.
                            "Closer and closer to mankind comes their Reckoning: yet they heed not and they turn away" (21:1)

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: I hate being married

                              Salaam sis

                              Looks like ur husband is not only failing in his obligations,hes also failing in good treatment, he makes u work and takes the money? The husband must sustain the wife period. He beats you and ignores you for no good reason? This person does not follow the sunnah of rasulAllah saws. And you should seek divorce before you have children with him sis.
                              يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                              O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                              Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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