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  • No sexual attraction - please help

    As salaamu alaikum,

    I'm seeking general advice with my situation as explained in the following:

    I'm a relatively young man who was raised in a partially practicing Muslim family. I knew Islam to be the truth but refrained from fully immersing myself in it as I felt that it would restrict me from pursuing my desires which I ended up succumbing to.

    I sought out that in women which most appealed to my lustful desires and ended up becoming sexually involved with a number of them, all of which I had a strong sexual chemistry with as I had selected them based on my specific taste.

    A situation arose which prompted me to leave my sinful state and I ended up turning to Allah. I began leaving my sinful practices but was still very much sexually charged. I began the search for a wife as I thought that as long as I got married, I'd have a sexual outlet with which to relieve my desires. I ended up marrying a very covered modest Muslim girl whom I was initially attracted to... from that which I could see of her. I very soon found out that the more of her that was revealed to me, the more I found nothing of her that was sexually attractive. I had a specific type which I was attracted to, she was of a completely different type. In fact there were some qualities that she had which would naturally turn me away in terms of selection of a sexual partner. I tried to focus on other qualities that she possessed but I am drawing the conclusion that my sexual desires cannot be satisfied with anything other than being sexually involved with someone who I'm sexually attracted to. Our sex life is suffering and it's beginning to affect our marriage. She is becoming increasingly insecure as I have a very hard time approaching her for sex.

    Please advise.

  • #2
    Re: No sexual attraction - please help

    Originally posted by abdullah79 View Post
    As salaamu alaikum,

    I'm seeking general advice with my situation as explained in the following:

    I'm a relatively young man who was raised in a partially practicing Muslim family. I knew Islam to be the truth but refrained from fully immersing myself in it as I felt that it would restrict me from pursuing my desires which I ended up succumbing to.

    I sought out that in women which most appealed to my lustful desires and ended up becoming sexually involved with a number of them, all of which I had a strong sexual chemistry with as I had selected them based on my specific taste.

    A situation arose which prompted me to leave my sinful state and I ended up turning to Allah. I began leaving my sinful practices but was still very much sexually charged. I began the search for a wife as I thought that as long as I got married, I'd have a sexual outlet with which to relieve my desires. I ended up marrying a very covered modest Muslim girl whom I was initially attracted to... from that which I could see of her. I very soon found out that the more of her that was revealed to me, the more I found nothing of her that was sexually attractive. I had a specific type which I was attracted to, she was of a completely different type. In fact there were some qualities that she had which would naturally turn me away in terms of selection of a sexual partner. I tried to focus on other qualities that she possessed but I am drawing the conclusion that my sexual desires cannot be satisfied with anything other than being sexually involved with someone who I'm sexually attracted to. Our sex life is suffering and it's beginning to affect our marriage. She is becoming increasingly insecure as I have a very hard time approaching her for sex.

    Please advise.
    This is one of the reasons you're advised against committing acts like this and to lower you gaze. Later on when you find someone you're going to have unrealistic expectations from them so I think you should stop comparing her to the previous partners you were with. This is your wife, try to resolve this problem if you can but if you can't and it's making you really miserable than divorce is better. However I doubt you'd still be satisfied,the shaytan makes the halal unattractive.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: No sexual attraction - please help

      Your whole post is regarding sex and in fact you wrote that word 11 times.. Not good timing for this month as I am sure you're aware it's Ramadan so show some respect also can I just add.. There's young Muslims here and they should not be reading such detail as I'm sure their parent's are trusting this forum to prevent unwanted knowledge.
      Allah swt gave you amana, your wife does not deserve this and I hope you're not cheating cause your punishment will be severe. Ignore your desires and focus on being a better Muslim and a good husband.
      Sorry if I'm sounding harsh.. Salaam
      I love you, cherish you and worship you,
      Guide me on your path to your janna,
      Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


      :love:Allah:love:

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: No sexual attraction - please help

        I will say this:

        She is your WIFE. STOP comparing her with other women that you have had HARAM relationships with. Have some respect for the womenfolk brother, women are human beings, not some sexual objects you can simply pick and choose like this. It's disgusting.

        I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh. Please excuse me if it does come across rude.

        You will constantly want more and more brother, if you don't put an end to it. You get bored with your wife, then you'll get bored with another woman, and the cycle will repeat itself and it will end miserably. You will never be satisfied.

        Be a man and take control of yourself :insha: speak to the brothers on here, learn from those that lower their gaze and have love and mercy between their wives inspire you. Because marriage is not only about YOU. It is a blessing, a special and sacred bond that you have an obligation towards.

        Speak to your wife, don't make her feel like this.

        Don't let these filthy thoughts corrupt you and your life.
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: No sexual attraction - please help

          :salams

          That is what sexual sin does. Over time, it puts a person's mind into a choke hold. What I seem to be hearing is that your wife's stats don't meet your standards, as though that's all she is, is a bunch of statistics. Do you not see what's wrong here? you are using the same language a car salesman uses when trying to sell someone a car. "it has such-and-such windows, heated seats, this much horsepower, etc".

          Bro, this is a human being we're talking about-- not a car. You cannot upgrade on girls, as it were. The reason you're not pleased, sexually, with your wife is because, from what I can tell, you are objectifying her. What you're saying is that if her body parts are not as up to speed as someone else's, you can trade her in like a car. Akhi, that is so backwards. It is not realistic to expect it to be like it is in pornography, where women have exaggerated cup sizes, slim waists, perfect hair, flawless teeth, etc.

          That's not how it is in the real world. It's a fantasy. My dear brother, there are men who could not attract a woman in a halal way if their lives depended on it, but even though you were able to, you want to throw all of it away? do you not realize that your wife is someone who has feelings? yeah she has insecurities....and it's no wonder! it's because of your foul attitude that she feels not good enough. You're being selfish, brother. You have something that many men would love to have-- a righteous wife. Don't underestimate how lucky you are.

          If your love life is disappointing, you can work on it with your wife. Why don't you ask your wife what you're doing wrong [in your marriage life] and ask her how you yourself can be a better husband. Stop thinking about yourself all the time. Do something for your wife for a change.
          "Wert thou to follow the common run of those on earth, they will lead thee away from the way of Allah. They follow nothing but conjecture: they do nothing but lie." (surah 6:116)

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: No sexual attraction - please help

            Originally posted by rayan2016
            Why did you marry a girl your not attracted too it makes no sense?
            But Do not fool yourself brother if she is just not all that move on.
            A thoughtless, heartless view. One that is not worth a thing, save being spit upon.
            "Wert thou to follow the common run of those on earth, they will lead thee away from the way of Allah. They follow nothing but conjecture: they do nothing but lie." (surah 6:116)

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: No sexual attraction - please help

              Originally posted by abdullah79 View Post
              As salaamu alaikum,

              I'm seeking general advice with my situation as explained in the following:

              I'm a relatively young man who was raised in a partially practicing Muslim family. I knew Islam to be the truth but refrained from fully immersing myself in it as I felt that it would restrict me from pursuing my desires which I ended up succumbing to.

              I sought out that in women which most appealed to my lustful desires and ended up becoming sexually involved with a number of them, all of which I had a strong sexual chemistry with as I had selected them based on my specific taste.

              A situation arose which prompted me to leave my sinful state and I ended up turning to Allah. I began leaving my sinful practices but was still very much sexually charged. I began the search for a wife as I thought that as long as I got married, I'd have a sexual outlet with which to relieve my desires. I ended up marrying a very covered modest Muslim girl whom I was initially attracted to... from that which I could see of her. I very soon found out that the more of her that was revealed to me, the more I found nothing of her that was sexually attractive. I had a specific type which I was attracted to, she was of a completely different type. In fact there were some qualities that she had which would naturally turn me away in terms of selection of a sexual partner. I tried to focus on other qualities that she possessed but I am drawing the conclusion that my sexual desires cannot be satisfied with anything other than being sexually involved with someone who I'm sexually attracted to. Our sex life is suffering and it's beginning to affect our marriage. She is becoming increasingly insecure as I have a very hard time approaching her for sex.

              Please advise.
              It seems you do many things for the word sex?

              Living for sex.. marrying for sex..

              May be Allah SWT is just checking when you're gonna stop these bad thoughts and go for your fard which you have to do in your life using common sense.

              Answer me.. what will happen the very next moment when you find that you can't have sex anymore? I hope and know 100% that you haven't even thought of it.

              Almost many many many humans don't understand or realize unless and until something very bad happens to them. This is true, and almost every one has this quality. Depends on small or big in every person except very few people.
              Example. Think if your friend is in love with someone, and you come to know that she is not good for your friend because of some evil news you got about her.. And if you advice that you your friend he will think you are jealous of him.. And the problem starts.

              This was the outline.

              I think you don't fear Allah SWT at all.. He SWT is just you Lord for name sake.

              Unless you fear him you can't make yourself successful in whatever you are looking for.

              Know that He SWT has created you and knows each and every plan and whats going in your head right now. Allah SWT is not fool like you and me.

              This is just common sense. First of all you didn't marry her for love.. Just sex. then what will be the outcome?

              1. Fear Allah .
              2. Love your wife.
              3. Know that she is all you in this dunya apart from rest.
              Earth is not a place to make life perfect. So please never complain.

              Perfect and Happy life can only be in Paradise. Have Patience. :banan:

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                This could be shaytaan messing with your mind constantly reminding you of what you 'could have'. The truth is that the grass is always falsely greener on the other side. So be content with what you have and appreciate the good qualities of your wife. Love is a mercy from Allah so ask him much and lower your gaze and definately stop comparing your wife to other women, that's disgusting. There's more to a marriage than what you have stated although that is not to belittle what you have mentioned as that is a serious topic.

                You need to think long and hard about this yourself and seek guidance from an imam. If you honestly can't see yourself staying in this marriage and you fear that you will not be able to give this sister her rights, then it's better for you to divorce her because she for one does not deserve this.
                God has created Angels with reason but having no desires; animals with desires but no reason and man with both reason and desires. Therefore, if one’s reason is stronger than his desires, he is like an Angel,
                while if his desires are stronger than his reason, he is like an animal.

                - Ibn Al-Qayyim


                وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                  Originally posted by rayan2016
                  Explain how its thoughtless? or even heartless??
                  if he is not sexually attracted he will fall into sin its better to have a woman who you are very attracted to then a woman who has very good deen but lacks looks.
                  Thats how it works. Deen can only do so mch for him but when she is a attractive woman in his eyes he will treat her better and become a better person. Surely there is a pious muslimah with looks out there let him search not settle.
                  You didn't pay full attention to the post.

                  He was initially attracted to his wife.

                  The problem is with the brother and not the wife. His previous mistakes are causing him to project his distorted views on his wife, which is very unfair.

                  There is a reason premarital sex, dating, free-mixing are haram. It might seem like all fun and games but it does damage a person. There is a difference between those that lower their gaze, limit their interaction with the opposite gender (the command of The Creator) and those that look here and there without any care, and those that let their base desires dictate their actions. Those people lose their modesty, their sense of shame and can become almost victims of this disease of the heart.

                  To the brother, I think you need to sit with married brothers and talk with them. Your expectations seem so unrealistic and you need to look at yourself rather than your wife.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                    Originally posted by rayan2016
                    But marrying just for sex is a valid reason. If it was not for the urges do you really think Most men would get married ???
                    Woah,you should be marrying to have a companion for life who makes you a better person but if that's the only reason,I'm telling you your marriage probably won't last very long or be very happy. Women are not objects created only to please men. That's seriously worrying

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                      Originally posted by rayan2016
                      Imam Ja'far (as) said: "It is from the akhlaq (desirable moral attributes) of the Prophet's to have desire for woman."
                      Imam ar-Rida (as) said: "It is from the akhlaq of the Prophets to be clean, to use perfume, to trim the hair, and to have frequent sexual intercourse. Solomon the son of David had 1,000 woman in a single city...The Prophet (s) had the strength of forty men. He had nine women and he went into all of them every day and every night."
                      The Prophet (s) said: "I like nothing from your world except woman and perfume."
                      The Prophet (s) said: "The coolness of my eyes has been made in prayer, and my pleasure is in woman."
                      Imam Ja'far (as) asked his followers: "What is the sweetest [or most pleasurable] thing?" They said: "It is not a thing." He said: "The sweetest [or most pleasurable] of things are the bodies of women."
                      The Prophet (s) said: "The coolness of my eyes has been made in my prayers, my pleasure in the world is in women, and my perfume is in al-Hassan and al-Hussain."

                      source:http://www.mutah.com/sex/sexinislam.htm

                      nothing wrong with marriage only for intercourse let the brother be.
                      Are you married?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                        Originally posted by rayan2016
                        Imam Ja'far (as) said: "It is from the akhlaq (desirable moral attributes) of the Prophet's to have desire for woman."
                        Imam ar-Rida (as) said: "It is from the akhlaq of the Prophets to be clean, to use perfume, to trim the hair, and to have frequent sexual intercourse. Solomon the son of David had 1,000 woman in a single city...The Prophet (s) had the strength of forty men. He had nine women and he went into all of them every day and every night."
                        The Prophet (s) said: "I like nothing from your world except woman and perfume."
                        The Prophet (s) said: "The coolness of my eyes has been made in prayer, and my pleasure is in woman."
                        Imam Ja'far (as) asked his followers: "What is the sweetest [or most pleasurable] thing?" They said: "It is not a thing." He said: "The sweetest [or most pleasurable] of things are the bodies of women."
                        The Prophet (s) said: "The coolness of my eyes has been made in my prayers, my pleasure in the world is in women, and my perfume is in al-Hassan and al-Hussain."

                        source:http://www.mutah.com/sex/sexinislam.htm

                        nothing wrong with marriage only for intercourse let the brother be.
                        But only for intercourse? There's something wrong if that's the case. Your wife would be leaving her family,her home,all she's ever known,maybe going through pregnancy,raising your kids,cooking,cleaning etc. You really think she's going to go through all that to just be a source of pleasure and nothing more? What happened to compassion and actually treating her like human

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                          Originally posted by rayan2016
                          Explain how its thoughtless? or even heartless??
                          if he is not sexually attracted he will fall into sin its better to have a woman who you are very attracted to then a woman who has very good deen but lacks looks.
                          Thats how it works. Deen can only do so mch for him but when she is a attractive woman in his eyes he will treat her better and become a better person. Surely there is a pious muslimah with looks out there let him search not settle.
                          I am fasting from this. You are quite the piece of work.
                          "Wert thou to follow the common run of those on earth, they will lead thee away from the way of Allah. They follow nothing but conjecture: they do nothing but lie." (surah 6:116)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                            Originally posted by Joyous_muslimah View Post
                            But only for intercourse? There's something wrong if that's the case. Your wife would be leaving her family,her home,all she's ever known,maybe going through pregnancy,raising your kids,cooking,cleaning etc. You really think she's going to go through all that to just be a source of pleasure and nothing more? What happened to compassion and actually treating her like human
                            Sister, you should not be responding to this person.

                            Looks like a troll. Look at the source he has quoted.

                            The quotes are completely out of context.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: No sexual attraction - please help

                              ***Can the sisters please not reply to rayan2016***

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