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    Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

    :start:

    Insha'Allah, from now on, I will be posting a series of rhetoric on the topic of breaking free from addiction, whether perversion, anti-social habits etc. And Insha'Allah, if you suffer from compulsion to any such habit, you will begin to see that it is not impossible to break free from it. The moment you "believe" you can break free, consider your life 70% free from sexual deviations, whether in the form of viewing illicit material, masturbation, constant illicit thoughts and Wasawas etc. But the belief that you can break free, comes from the knowledge that there actually is a way to break free forever.

    Now, in my last post, titled "Why We Become Addicted to Sexual Deviations", I talked about the actual first process of how your body's chemistry attaches itself to certain habits. We've come to know about the mental framework that regulates the whole process of sexual addiction. How Dopamine and other brain chemicals, their negative imbalances, hijack the "reward pathways" of your brain that provide you pleasure, satisfaction, and so you find negative ways to fulfill the needs of that reward pathway.

    In this post, I will talk about phase 2. Why we remain addicted, even though we realize there is a problem, and we see it with our own eyes that it affects our life negatively, our development as a Muslim, as a healthy member of society, and in many other painful ways.

    Beyond the Chemstry of Pleasure, And Our Communal Tendencies

    Let's talk about the layer on top of the brain chemistry. The mental layer, the thought-process. There is something in psychological counseling called "denial". It is the main reason that people are unable to quit their habits, simply because they don't believe they have a problem. In the Muslim community, we don't have this problem Alhamdulillah, because our religion identifies for us what a sin is, and that a sin is actually a problem we need to get rid of.

    However, the version of "denial" that affects our communities, and I've come across this many times over the course of treating Muslim patients...what I call "semi-denial." Semi-denial is when you understand there is a problem, but remain unaware about actually how deep and well-grounded it is in your system. As a result, the level of reaction you show is not enough to get rid of the problem permanently, into a life of permanent peace and progress.

    Also, let's point out a psycho-spiritual aspect as well to this problem. And for this we need to understand our community psychology, and how Shaitan, in these times, works around that psychology. I've identified this with several of addiction patients, and all of them said "Yes, this is exactly how I used to feel towards treating addiction, and I think this is why I did not make the required effort (and that typical "Whoa, I never realized this" smile always follows).

    One of the psychological maps that I noticed, over the scores of Muslims treated for sex addiction was this, "I do a lot of spiritual stuff, hopefully I won't be addicted tomorrow by way of some miracle." "I make Tawbah a lot, hopefully things will be better now." The spiritual part is compulsory, but understand that the mental craving for not doing it again will not go away through the spiritual part alone. This is exactly why people remain violently thrown around in the cyclone of addiction: the uncontrollable thoughts, sinning, repenting, crying...the uncontrollable thoughts, sinning, repenting, crying...to the point that you frustrate yourself into hopelessness, and all the while Shaitan enjoys the scenario.

    A lot of people came to me and said that their life came to a point where they would think, "O Allah, when will all this end?" or "Is there something lacking in the way I repent?"

    So, what's the lesson here?

    That to stop the mental craving, that rapidly transforms into that daily flood of sexual thoughts, and those thoughts transform almost instantly into that daily sin...you need therapeutic activities that address the problem directly to the mind. The only way to break free forever is to cleanse the mind's pathways. Half of that process is spiritual, the other half is physical.

    The Incessant Cycle

    Browse the forums, how many people do you see complaining about sinning in Ramadan itself? Wasn't fasting supposed to be the one-stop solution for desires? People have posted about masturbating during fasts but stopping just short of climax, couples have talked about disrupting their fast in the morning through intercourse during fasting, young individuals have complained about fasting and yet experiencing a flood of sexual thoughts.

    Understand, that the mental system needs intravenous and direct solutions of its own.

    Brothers and sisters, there are 3 systems running in our existence at any time, the way Allah has created us. Spirit, and for that there's Dhikr, recitation etc. Body, and for that there is fasting. Mind, the dimension of neurocircuitry and neuro-transmission, and for that there is it's own set of therapies.

    So, How Do We Go About the Mind Part?

    Now we're getting somewhere. :up:

    We've squared off the fact that the mind plays an entirely autonomous (independant) role in your addiction. Let's discuss the actual therapy process that we take our subjects through in counseling.

    The most important part of the counseling process is for the subject themselves to realize the depth of the problem. You, yourself need to diagnose how deep down you stand in the addiction pit, & only then can you formulate a plan to scale the heights towards the top of the pit, and into freedom forever. (HURRAH!)

    Here's the first exercise that we have our subjects do, to help them self-diagnose the intensity of the problem in their life.

    - Clear your mind (if possible walk out in the open)

    - Take Deep Breaths, be extremely honest with yourself, and then answer the follow questions.

    (You can do this without taking deep breaths and clearing your mind, but I guarantee you the results will not be as good and complete)

    - Copy these questions on MS Word (or excellent if you can write this stuff out), and then answer them.


    "I admit that even though I try, I feel powerless over certain sexual tendencies, and that it has made a part of my life unmanageable."


    1. Give 3 examples of being Powerless, of being unable to stop or set a limit. For eg. I made a resolve that I will try not to masturbate for the next 2 weeks, but I found myself doing it a few hours later.

    2. Give 3 examples of Unmanageability: of trying to manage my addictive behavior. For example, I finished all my illict web site profiles with the resolution to stop completely, only to find myself registering on new explicit websites.

    3. Write a short paragraph of your Disease Progression, showing progress from how your addiction began to where it is today (Details are not as important as realizing the direction your behavior has taken you). For example, I started by fantasizing, progressed to viewing illicit material, compulsive dirty habits and so on.

    4. Give 3 examples of the costs of your compulsion. For eg. my addiction cost me my relationships with my wife and children, or my health etc.

    5. Sincerely answer this Question: If I do not stop, where will my addiction ultimately lead me?

    - Once you have answered, close the document or put away that piece of paper. Forget about it completely.

    - Then, re-open it 5-6 hours later, and read through it as if you are someone else.

    My friend...this is where you stand in the addiction story, and this is from where you will have to work your way up. The only way to reach the top and into light'n'freedom is by addressing the mental tendencies that brought your life to this point in the first place.

    And I'll tell you one thing for sure. This is not just a diagnosis, it is also a "sincerity test." The only reason you will do that exercise is if you are sincere in your intention to quit, sincere to your God, and most importantly, sincere to yourself. As Allah says "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." Don't let laziness stop you. My friend, we've had enough of these filthy thoughts damage our brain mercilessly, we've spent enough hours hurting our health through compulsive dirty habits, we've been away far too long from one day, just one day when we won't break any sexual rules as ordained by our beautiful religion. Let's change this condition. Let's identify and profile the problem, and let's transform it into an old forgotten chapter in the book of our life.

    I pray that Allah gives you shifa from compulsive behavior. Rememeber, Haya or modesty is one of the keys to success and barakah in life. As Allah mentions in Surah al A'raf, verse 96, "And if only the people of the cities had believed and adopted Taqwah, We would have opened upon them blessings from the heaven and the earth.."

    It's just that in the times we live in, with the fitnah of pornography and such stuff going around so easily, Taqwah has become a game with added requirements to protect ourselves. May Allah help you in your quest for sexual sobriety.

    ----

    My next post, Insha'Allah, will be on the topic of diets and foods that help control addictive behavior. These are daily foods that we ignore to take, and can help us seriously mitigate chemical imbalances that lead to sexual compulsion. I have seen scores of patients recovering faster than others, simply because they chose to stick to the dietary programs we advised them to.

    Any questions or guidance needed, I am always here Insha'Allah.
    Last edited by Mr.President; 12-07-14, 10:15 AM.

    #2
    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

    Thank you very much for this. I know I have a problem, but Im not too far down the rabbit hole yet. I find it hard to restrain myself. Im not on any website, I dont watch porn, etc

    I find I just need to keep myself busy with something, and changing my nightly routine and starting exercise has helped greatly. I stay around people all day and wake up in the morning so by night time (when i would usually commit this sin) Im too tired to think.

    Im not going to say I haven't fallen back, but Im making great progress and the longer I go the easier it gets.

    I look forward to your next post.

    Thank you

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

      Tl: but i am guessing it was a useful post. Yes Mr. President. Anything you say.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

        :salams

        I think your posts should be stickied by mods so people can read whenever they can.

        :jkk:
        ~ Don’t trade a house in Jannah :insha:, for a lowly house in this transient world ~

        They want to extinguish the light of Allah with their mouths, but Allah will perfect His light, although the disbelievers dislike it (61 : 8)

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

          This is brilliant, :jkk:
          "Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes"

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

            :jkk: for the motivation guys. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing a Muslim brother or sister escape the clutches of Satanic compulsion and into the life that Allah intended for us Muslims. What He refers to as "Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer - We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do." (16:97)

            Now, Sister Mockingjay is right on the dot. The way I am sequencing this whole rhetoric is from the basics of breaking free from addiction to the advanced steps. When all the information is put together, it will become a complete "Addiction Therapy Course" for Muslims. I just wish there was a way that these posts could be preserved on this website in someway, where they could be available in the sequence they are written. So that anyone who suffers from any compulsive habit, can read through it and understand that it ain't rocket science to break free from addiction, you just have to take the right and practical steps and things will fall into order. As simple as taking Tylenol for fever.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

              Ive stuck the thread.

              Maybe once its done, you can collate it all in to steps and then let me know.

              Ill lock the thread so it can be as a point of reference only

              :jkk: fab stuff
              وَالْعَصْرِ

              إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

              إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

              "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

              "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

              Khanqah Habibiyah

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                __
                [SIZE=4][COLOR="#FF0000"][FONT=Book Antiqua][CENTER][B][URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?459504-Immensely-rewarding-dhikr!!!&highlight="]IMMENSELY REWARDING DHIKR!!![/URL][/B][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

                [FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR="#2F4F4F"][CENTER]Before you post, think..."Will this help me when I stand before Allah?" If it doesn't, then you're wasting time....[/CENTER][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                  @Roadtorecovery8

                  Salam,

                  First, JazakAllah for providing feedback, it's phenomenally encouraging to know that someone on the other end of the tunnel is benefiting from all this rhetoric.

                  Getting to business, let's highlight something really important here. Night time, I actually call that "war zone" time. That's usually the time when this thing attacks the most, and in the most relentless way, and I've noticed that across Muslim and non-Muslim patients, both.

                  If you read the latest post titled "The Vicious Three", you came across the part where I talked about subliminal influences on our mind, by the modern-day environment. The type that can induce compulsion and addiction in you, without you realizing it. How that connects night-time cases is that the dissociative identity or the "influenced part" of your psyche that I talked about, the way it is affected, it is supposed to attack the mind when the mind is in it's most restive, and defenseless state....night time, usually when you're about to hit bed. So, don't worry, it happens to tons of other people who are exposed to the same influences, which is pretty much all of us.

                  In counseling, we have techniques to dismantle that "addiction clock", and render the mind free of any influence, that is "designed" to attack you right during that time-frame, or any other time-frame where your compulsion usually strikes. It has to do with individual sexual triggers, routines and mental influences.

                  Here's something that you can do, in addition to the exercise routine (which is excellent). Right before sleeping, about an hour prior, drink two glasses of water. Then, right before sleep, make sure you relieve yourself and empty your bladder. Drinking water is good for you any ways, but doing so before sleep and then relieving your bladder of any pressure will rejuvenate and replenish the body's overall function. A heavy bladder, especially when lying down, is something that will fuel sexual impulses.

                  As far as the not watching porn part...good job my friend. May Allah bless your efforts to overcome compulsion. And thank you for the feedback once again. (I wish more people could start posting anonymous feedback, it would benefit everyone Insha'Allah)
                  Last edited by Mr.President; 10-07-14, 05:57 PM.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                    Salam,

                    Brother i have been struggling with this since quite a while, and to those who think marriage can solve this then its aleast not true for me. Although i have had on and off periods, but the cycle you described is a reality for me. I went throughout this ramadan without indulging in this but it was only a week after ramadan had ended that i was overcome by this again. Knowing that i had been off this for good 30-40 days but then going back to it was very depressing for me. It dosent help that the mrs and kids are away for a couple of more weeks.

                    Iam not sure whether this is another shataan`s waswasa but now i have decided i will start by atleast staying away from porn...since then i have had a couple of close calls where i ended up indulging but i avoided watching porn....

                    Living in the west does not help ...especially during summer....i have to walk to work everyday and i try to keep my eyes lowered...but even the first glance is enough for me to trigger thoughts...sometimes i find myself almost in tears because of what i see and thinking about the consequences its having on my mind...

                    As far as masterbation is concerned i read a fatwa that although it is makru and its only allowed inorder to avoid zina, that if the person is in a state where he knows that he may commit actual zina, but i was thinking that since watching porn is also in a way commiting zina of the eyes. So i said to myself that atleast i should stay away from what is outright wrong and then try to wean off from masterbation by keeping myself busy eg keep good company, take up healthy hobbies... etc....

                    Please pray for me.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                      Originally posted by Unregistered999 View Post
                      Salam,

                      Brother i have been struggling with this since quite a while, and to those who think marriage can solve this then its aleast not true for me. Although i have had on and off periods, but the cycle you described is a reality for me. I went throughout this ramadan without indulging in this but it was only a week after ramadan had ended that i was overcome by this again. Knowing that i had been off this for good 30-40 days but then going back to it was very depressing for me....

                      Please pray for me.
                      Wa'Salam wa'Rehmatullah Brother,

                      A warm welcome to the brave soul on-board the redemption train, and hope that the small flame of change in your heart will translate into a raging fire in due time; albeit, that would require the same level of zeal you have right now to meet the practical paths to freedom. Let's shed light on those.

                      See now, you are definitely not alone, and probably one of the thousands of other married men who face this predicament in their lives. And more so, thousands from amongst those men are changing their lives by identifying and confronting how deep this problem really is. My friend, I hope that by now you've realized this problem is more mental than spiritual. What happened in Ramadan was basically you having a change of mindset, changing your psychological gears such that your self-dialogue said "This is a time I will respect, a month I will spiritually capitalize on", and so that whole "other" personality inside you, the addicted guy if we may call it, he sort of went in the back-end. The moment Ramadan ended, slowly the gears went back to the pre-Ramadan state and the self-dialogue also changed accordingly. Consequently, before you knew it, it was all back again. As if it was waiting in the back-end for Ramadan to end, and put you back on the negative track again.

                      If I were you, and since I deal with human psychology, rather than thinking that I was suddenly free after those 30-40 days, I would sort of be prepared that sooner or later it would be back to square one for me. Wanna know why? This is where those "practical paths" to freedom kick in. What you need to understand is how modern fitnahs attack your mind. Digital media like pornography is like this thing that resides in a corner of your mind, and slowly forms connections to your environment in a discreet manner. Consequently, you see something on the road, but that pornography connection is triggered in your mind, and you want to see the same thing, which you saw just walking around or wherever, in an explicit context on the internet. It's a whole 9 yards type of a thing that needs an anti-dote that is equally strategic in its treatment demeanor; namely, therapy which goes right to those corners of your mind, opens up the protective layers on top, which don't allow you to access that foolish personality inside, and then take that mental tendency out of your mind.

                      And now that we've cleared off that this is something that will require psychotherapy, let's analyze you or everyone else in the same predicament. "I know its necessary for me, and that psychotherapy is the easiest and fastest way out, but how do I go about this without getting shamed in the process?" I mean, that's what could become a roadblock here, right?

                      So, first, there's a lot of psychotherapists available on the internet now, who will manage the therapist-to-subject relationship in a online manner, and you can manage it without anyone finding out. I mean, since its Skype that they typically use, you could use it on your cell-phone by turning on the mobile internet while sitting in the privacy of your car, or perhaps you could just shut the door and tell your family you're doing something really important and have your Skype therapy session via a headset etc. For a starting point, you can Google "online psychotherapists" or "psychotherapy online" and it'll give you a range of options that will suit your privacy and financial requirements. Importantly, you need a psychotherapist whose focus area is sex addiction. Some of them go for un-Islamic stuff like therapy via music or similar, but you will know that before beginning anything, so do your homework before finding the right choice. There's websites where hundreds of therapists offer their services and advertise their rates as well, so it becomes a lot easier to make a decision.

                      Here's another roadblock to that process. "Umm...sure I have a problem, but do I really need psychotherapy...I mean, I think I can pop out of this by myself, it'll just be a matter of time before I do." Let's simplify that equation partner. I guarantee you, based on my experience, you only see how deep you are caught in this, once you see the addiction receding, and you can feel those parts of your mind and personality again. Right now, it's way too clouded for you to even decipher how deep this problem goes. 2 sessions with a professional, and I guarantee you that you'll know what I'm talking about. And then two things will happen. First, you'll sort of be like "Really, how did it ever go this deep, even though I never followed a true addict's lifestyle", and secondly "Darn that guy was right about this whole thing." Sometimes you just need to close your eyes and trust a resource who knows his craft...and the answers will come walking to you.

                      The rest, it's pretty much in your own hands. You wanna be free forever? Well, you're going to have to take the necessary steps here. I did give it a overview in one of my earlier posts, that why we, the Muslims of today, suddenly find ourselves in strange habits, even though we follow normal lives otherwise. How modern day influences create these alters inside us without us even realizing it. I mean, a guy prays 5 times a day, community service, healthy stuff like sports and what not...and one day, that moment comes in.."I was only curious and thought it would be a one-off thing"...and that moment becomes years unfortunately. You can read that material here, for better insight

                      http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...p-Hopelessness

                      I pray that Allah helps you realize the depth of this problem and take the right step. Take my word on this, psychotherapy won't just rid you of this problem. You'll come across a new you..that you didn't know existed, and then watch the positivity flow within, Insha'Allah.
                      Last edited by Mr.President; 22-08-14, 11:46 AM.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                        Assalam-ul- Aliekum !
                        I'm a young man unmarried currently in his early 20's struggling with a very particular sexual deviation which crept into me since when I was like 6 yrs old. I even remember the traumatic experiences I had faced, related to it, when I was 4-5 yrs old. The thing which upsets me so much is that I always have haten nudity and pornography from the very start and have always avoided such things ( I found such things nasty and shameful and still do ) but this extremely powerful fetish of mine took over my life throughout puberty and became a daily routine to be indulged into, I regard this a profound accident / mishap.
                        There are many people out there that are actually suffering from paraphilias and fetishes and it's upsetting that these have not been given much consideration from religious aspect despite people suffering with them in their daily lives and they keep it secret. My question is if someone has odd fetishes / paraphilias what should he do, it is a disorder that takes place in a person during his early years (childhood) just like homosexuality mainly due to trauma experiences...

                        Quite many of them are really disturbing and clearly "spiritual oppression" might be somehow involved. Note that all of these are real and can be searched on web if doubts exist.

                        A list of fetishes and paraphilias : http://www.psychforums.com/fetishes/topic143984.html

                        Practical Cases Examples / Link.
                        - An example from a muslim forum Crush fetish : http://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/234980886-fetishes/
                        - Balloon fetish https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/questio...6230053AAEA1SE
                        - bubblegum blowing fetish : https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...3121341AAyS0HC
                        - Vomit fetish : https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/questio...6134628AApHeWj
                        http://www.psychforums.com/fetishes/topic128782.html
                        - Foot Fetish (Muslim forum) http://www.yanabi.com/index.php?/top...ish-and-islam/
                        -Scat / watersports https://answers.yahoo.com/question/i...6170807AA0yPpl

                        There are innocent ones too but still one may wonder if shaitan might be at work to spread infliction and damage...
                        There are many ways that spiritual/demonic oppression may manifests itself. Paraphilias, fetishes and unhealthy obsessions may just be a few of the symptoms. They may attach via the endocrine and nervous system, feeding off of excitement and fear. And in turn drive our thoughts and behaviors… commonly sexual ones.
                        During my struggle from the past year I sometimes remembered the years of my early childhood (before this deviation), when life was pure and blissful, and I burst into tears. It seriously feels like a burden, a curse.

                        These are apparently serious topics which require insight from a spiritual side..Ive spent a lot of times researching on this topic from a psychological side and below is some data which I have accumulated which could be knowledgeable and of significant use to many.

                        -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        A person may be acting out of their severe past trauma which the brain was unable to cope with. The term "dissociation" fits well into the context. Dissociation is the ability of the mind to hide a memory, a feeling, or a body sensation for a short or a long time.The mind does this quickly when it feels that what is happening is too much for us to handle. The mind acts like a light switch and turns off all or parts of the event. It also keeps this event apart from other information with which it would usually be joined. Dissociation is a way for the mind to deal with the very hard things of life. Dissociation can be a symptom of an illness such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , Generalized Anxiety ,Disorder etc. This suggests that the wiring of the immature developing brain get messed up (glitch) and as a result has dire consequences for the mind itself. Repeated exposure to such distressing events reinforces the "medication" circuits inside the brain making them prominent ( the fetish ) which then is very difficult to be modified i.e the brain becomes hardwired to response like that in such situations.
                        http://www.caritas.ab.ca/NR/rdonlyre...ssociation.pdf

                        Wikipedia gives information on crush fetishism by explaining " The main reason that crush fetishes form is that the child/adolescent who acquired it, experienced a situation in which they deemed shocking or had an impact on their life while experiencing puberty. The brain performs a mental substitution for the person forming the fetish and links it to sexual stimulation. Later on, when a similar experience is performed, the neurotransmitter phenylethylamine (chemical responsible for infatuation and love) is activated and provokes sexual arousal. Continued thoughts and exposure to such scenarios strengthens the connection increasing the likelihood of it becoming permanent." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk%3ACrush_fetish
                        A crush fetishist presents his views " “It’s my oldest fetish with no known origin, and I like it for about the same reason as eproctophilia. Maybe that I also disliked seeing people kill bugs as a kid, while also finding it arousing." https://drmarkgriffiths.wordpress.co...rush-fetishes/

                        Basically paraphilias / fetishes in their simplest form can be " The experience of pleasure with deep rooted psychological pain. "

                        Pain can take multiple forms :
                        -Sadness / Upsetting
                        -Anger
                        -Humiliation
                        -Fear
                        -Shocking

                        The human mind can be divided in to two parts i.e the conscious and the subconscious.
                        -> Conscious = consists of everything inside of our awareness
                        -> Subconscious = psychic activity just below the level of awareness

                        The pleasure is in his conscious part of the mind. The traumatic primal pain is in the subconscious part of the mind. This is the reason why he feels like he is experiencing 100 % pleasure with 0% pain , but the truth is the pain is too deep rooted into his subconscious to make him realize / feel it at all while being "medicated" with the pleasure.
                        Conscious--> Pleasure
                        Subconscious---> Primal Pain

                        Fetishes are connected to neurochemical imbalance because they are not about sex / romance / intimation. They are a primal pain management strategy, especially toxic shame.

                        Abandonment trauma ( percieved) is the root of all addictions. This causes repression of psychological pain (pathological)..and has dire consequences for the brain. Fetishes reconstruct unfinished patterns connected to deep emotional stuff. Compulsive acting out of fetishes aren't "tastes", it's about medicating pain...and they come from a very foundational part of the personality.

                        Where Does The Fetish Come From?
                        There's no definitive answer as to why someone is or isn't precluded to having a fetish. Most remember having some kind of early childhood memory connected to the fetish.

                        Fear, excitement, curiosity, pleasure are powerful emotions that are felt in the body. The body remembers the charge physiologically and for some of us those moments become eroticized on a subconscious level. Even scary childhood moments. We protected ourselves by sexualizing the powerful feelings. Generally the feelings lay dormant until we become sexually active. Then out of nowhere, we connect our original moment of excitement and experience to a powerful erotic charge. This feeling is so strong that our sexuality is linked to that early sexual/excitement/fear moment.

                        For example, someone who likes spanking might have heard someone else get a spanked or they were spanked themselves. While the event wasn't necessarily enjoyable at the time, it made great impact. It was charged moment that later became sexualized. How does that happen? Spanking is done behind closed doors, undergarments are taken down and there is a certain degree of intimacy about the act. Hence, powerful emotions are evoked.

                        These powerful emotions linked to the fetish are stored in the subconscious mind. They are connected to a part of our brain that produces sexual stimulation. When puberty strikes these thoughts and feelings may re-emerge. Before we realize what's happening we are associating our childhood fear/excitement to adult sexual feelings.

                        Source http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html
                        Last edited by UsiGX; 17-10-14, 01:48 AM.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                          Wa'Alaikum as'Salam

                          The question or topic of "fetish" is becoming increasingly important as the world we live in evolves into a world super-charged with tribulations thrown our way. I'm glad that you've made a decent effort to educate yourself about this specific area of sexual addiction. As a matter of fact, I'll tell you something interesting from experience in law enforcement psycho-forensics. That one of the fundamental factors that can shape a serial rapist or killer into becoming one is a fetish for something that they see as being fulfilled or reaching completion only via the poor victim. Hence, it's something that's serious enough to have chapters of its own in psychotherapy.

                          Think of fetishes as a distortion in the already distorted area of "perversion.' So if perversion was the beginning of the problem, fetish is Problem 2.0. Its like a more refined version of the core. The question that a psychotherapist helps you answer by gauging your specific situation first is how that core got refined into what it is. Was it trauma that fueled the twist in perversion, or was it a genetic predisposition....It's really a case-by-case type of a thing. But the factors you've pointed out are indeed generally what are the catalysts in the background.

                          May Allah accept your zeal towards identifying your problem and may He run a miraculous debugging code in your neuro-circuitry that can tone out the fetish problem from its core :) Ameen!

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                            #14
                            Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                            What's up Mr . Prezident ! ! Hope you guys are all doing well. I was just reading up on detox. An according to a site 'Detoxification (“detox”) has broad connotations ranging
                            from the spiritual to the scientific, and has been used to describe practices and protocols that embrace both
                            complementary (fasting, colonic cleaning) and conventional (chelation or antitoxin therapy) schools of medical thought -- as well as some that push the boundaries of scientific
                            plausibility . '
                            Interesting definition. So anyways , a thorough Islamically compliant Fetish Detox Program (a term i made up, lool. ) with would do the trick.
                            Last edited by Aj2; 10-11-14, 06:56 AM.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Perverted Addictions: Why Can't I Just Quit!

                              My opinion would be for men addicted to pornography etc to also change their way of thinking about things which can have a strong effect. mind over matter as they say. If you realise the hardships many porn stars etc go through, things that push them into this, how many women and even children are sold as sex slaves, the men who make the pornography are obese , sick perverted men (like Ron Jeremy) who couldn't get women as youngsters and go into making porn where they can use, abuse and show these women they get all over the world. Showing that now they are in a position to use, abuse and humiliate women. If you think of it as something your sisters, family members could be in if they were not part of your family. Those women are someone's mothers, daughters... Porn is a DARK DARK world and it traps men (and even women these days) and turns people into sexual deviants in the long run. Making you think you like something you naturally don't. I mean how many people dream of love and romance as teens which with constant watching of porn turns into simply sex and seeing women as those objects that can fulfill all sorts of strange unreal fantasies. However it always leaves you unfulfilled, because your physical may like it but mentally and emotionally you feel empty which is why marriage is the best thing for sex but I don't think men should marry to try to stop porn addiction as that only puts his wife in a difficult position. He should stop his addiction, purify himself, his thoughts then marry otherwise he would unwittingly treat his wife like a porn woman and not feel satisfied as his body is so used to stimulation with pics, vids etc.
                              The prophet pbuh said biggest fitnah left behind is women and in these times, it is very visible why. Many men develop all sorts of sexual medical problems when it comes to watching porn, this is researched and recorded, why porn is so widely available is no mystery. It is the EASIEST way to control people's minds, particularly men which then relates to women. Building the hatred for porn through thinking about it in reality would probably put you off it if you keep thinking that way, rather than seeing it as they portray it ( that women enjoy it or are there for mens satisfaction) I saw a documentary of a man who was a pornstar who said women threw up, cried, sobbed prior to video takes...they hated what they did. He felt bad for having to go through with things with them!!! So imagine THAT is the reality of porn not the fantasy you see. Only the feeling of love between a couple brings sexual fulfillment. Every time you see it, some woman has been going through her personal hell to have reached that stage. A TED TALK by Ran Gavrieli on why he stopped watching porn is good for a man to watch.
                              Remember your mind was pure to begin with, the thoughts you think now have been projected, instilled into your mind through another person...and if it is porn you watch then that horrible stuff you think is put there by another human being, some loser who couldnt get girls, he humiliates women and puts HIS fantasies into YOUR originally PURE mind. How DARE someone do that? How CAN you allow your mind, the most AMAZING part of you to be affected and brainwashed by filthy men who are literally like ANIMALS and want to make human beings into animals rather than the strong minded self respecting humans that Allah made us. That is what Shaytan loves, when we become addicted and unable to control ourselves, we can't control our minds...Shaytan loves that. Don't let him win your mind. That is only yours and yours alone to shape. Your mind makes you who you are and there is nothing more attractive in a man or a woman than discipline or a mind strong enough to overcome baser desires. Military men seem attractive to women because they have discipline (many may not in reality when it comes to women) but they exude discipline in their lifestyle.
                              I have gone on a bit but I am studying psychology and addictions and this saddens me greatly. The more we think about it if we truly put our mind to it, we are losing our minds to senseless things and in that process the world is becoming lost to us not only as Muslims but also as human beings. A man should be strong mentally and build a love for a woman through her character and goodness rather than watch this stuff as it really has damaging long term consequences. So many men now can't relate to real women because of it and also don't even find real women attractive! May Allah help all people who are suffering from the compulsions, addictions and ill effects of society. Aameen.

                              Mr President, May Allah reward you for helping the Muslim community and making an indepth online program for people to follow.
                              The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it."

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