I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

[I hate my dad]

Back in Feb my dad got married again. My mom was totally mad and not happy about. But he went and did it anyway. My is still so depressed. She tries to put up a brave face for me but I know she's hurting inside. She feels betrayed by my father. My mother isn't the same person.

I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do to take my moms pain away.

I have grown to hate my father for what he has done. I know it's halal but he knew it would hurt my mother but he did it anyway. My mother will never recover from this.

I'm only civil with my father because I'm forced to stay at home until I marry ( which I don't know think I ever do because I'm pretty much turned off by marriage now. Men disgust men now.).

I honestly do not care if he dies at this point. I know it sounds harsh but that's how much I hate him for doing what he did to my mom.

The other day he asked how did I feel about being a big sister ( I think the other wife must be pregnant or something. He didn't say but th question was out of the blue. So it must be she's pregnant ) I just looked at him like he nut. He's a fool if he thinks I'm all excited about being a big sister to a kid a isn't my moms. And that child will be nothing to me. I refuse to except that child as my sibling.

I know I shouldn't have this much hate for him. But there no way of me respecting him anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for the way I feel because at the end of the day he is my dad.

Is there anyway I can regain respect for him? Anyway to rid myself of this anger.

[cyber_abdullah]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Is there anyway I can regain respect for him? Anyway to rid myself of this anger.

You don't know the reasons for his marrying a second wife. For all you know, your mother may not be fulfilling his rights in bed, or he may want another child which your mother may not be able to provide.

Why don't you ask him. It's quite simple and you will get an answer.

[amalik]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Give it time. you will. the hurt wont ever go away, but the respect will come. give yourself time. do dua. engage yourself. alot. it will sure help. my dad did second marriage 14 years ago, my mum still hasnt forgiven him, neither has she accepted him. i have never the other wife. and i hated my dad (and all men) till about september last year. when i went for aitkaf in ramadan. seriously, it worked miracles for me. alhumdulillah. do try to strengthen your relationship with Allah swt. because a time coes when even the most closest to u, even your parents just abandon u, for no fault of yours, but the only one there to Hold you n provide strength is Allah, so whatever you do, never give up on Him, be hopeful.
iA life will turn out to be good. as for repulsion from men, if that worries you, and if it helps, i just got married. ;)
the feelings of hurt, anger, lack of trust, abandonment or even severe depression are all normal, ive been there, done that. but have faith in yourself, you will survive. =)
and do support your mom morally and also dont be rude to your dad. as you said, he still is your dad. you can never change that. =)
may Allah swt helps at every step =)

[abubakarbristol]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Firstly your Mum will recover from this initial pain, it hasn't been 3 months let alone a year since the 2nd wife arrived.

You can support your Mum without taking on her views, your Dad is permitted to take another wife but you are not permitted to disrespect him because he does something Halal.

I doubt very much that your Dad married again just to hurt your Mum.

You dont know the ins and outs of your parents marriage.

[stered8888]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

I can feel your pain.

And of course there's gonna be MEN answering this thread, as if the OP doesn't have enough to deal with, duh...

Sis, there's really nothing to do about the situation now that it already occured. But your mom may want to consider divorce.
No one is supposed to live a life of grief and resentment towards the one they were meant to love and be loved by, if that person makes him/her unhappy. No one should have to stand that no matter what reasons.

Divorce is better than living a life full of sadness. A woman should not sacrifice herself for the enjoyment of her husband. She should not keep up a smile and go on living with him just to obey him, if that makes her unhappy!

And guys, please. You go on marrying a 2nd and 3rd and 4th wife and who cares right, you can enjoy all of them - both keep the cookie and eat it... Then when the 1st wife get heartbroken you go on give her bad conscience by telling her how it is your right. Ya Allah...! There was initially a reason for men to marry several wives in the SIXTH century, they didn't do it for pleasure of having more than one woman... Such reason's doesn't exist in todays society! But yeah go on telling yourself that if it feels better.

[SimSituation]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Salams,

I am in a similar situation.
My father married again towards the end of last year. He never told my mum or his kids.
He never supported my mum for there nearly 40 year marriage. She survived on benefits to feed her kids while my father chased other mens daughters/wives. My mum would make meals and my dad would invite his friends to eat and there would be either nothing or just a small amount left for my mum and 4 kids! The food was bought from benefit money. My dad did not give hr anything. He stole money from my mum and his kids and has built a nice place back home on which this 2nd wife resides and he has sold some land of which most was bought from mum & brothers money which is of the value of 70k now. He is feeding and sheltering this 2nd wife with this money when he could not support his first family! He abused my mum and kept her away from the family she had in this country. What advice would one give for someone with a very cunning father and how to get this money back for my mother iA?

[She_Bittersweet]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Salams,

I am in a similar situation.
My father married again towards the end of last year. He never told my mum or his kids.
He never supported my mum for there nearly 40 year marriage. She survived on benefits to feed her kids while my father chased other mens daughters/wives. My mum would make meals and my dad would invite his friends to eat and there would be either nothing or just a small amount left for my mum and 4 kids! The food was bought from benefit money. My dad did not give hr anything. He stole money from my mum and his kids and has built a nice place back home on which this 2nd wife resides and he has sold some land of which most was bought from mum & brothers money which is of the value of 70k now. He is feeding and sheltering this 2nd wife with this money when he could not support his first family! He abused my mum and kept her away from the family she had in this country. What advice would one give for someone with a very cunning father and how to get this money back for my mother iA?

try and go to coart? And get the money back legal way. Women really need to stop letting herself to get abused like this.

[Mikha�eel]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

I can feel your pain.

And of course there's gonna be MEN answering this thread, as if the OP doesn't have enough to deal with, duh...

Sis, there's really nothing to do about the situation now that it already occured. But your mom may want to consider divorce.
No one is supposed to live a life of grief and resentment towards the one they were meant to love and be loved by, if that person makes him/her unhappy. No one should have to stand that no matter what reasons.

Divorce is better than living a life full of sadness. A woman should not sacrifice herself for the enjoyment of her husband. She should not keep up a smile and go on living with him just to obey him, if that makes her unhappy!

And guys, please. You go on marrying a 2nd and 3rd and 4th wife and who cares right, you can enjoy all of them - both keep the cookie and eat it... Then when the 1st wife get heartbroken you go on give her bad conscience by telling her how it is your right. Ya Allah...! There was initially a reason for men to marry several wives in the SIXTH century, they didn't do it for pleasure of having more than one woman... Such reason's doesn't exist in todays society! But yeah go on telling yourself that if it feels better.

It is the right of the man to marry multiple women if he so pleases. it was made halal for all times - so this excuse there was a reason back then and ther eisn't one now doesn't hold any water at all.

At the same time, it is the duty of the man to fullfill the rights of all his wives, and be just to them.

As for the sister who started this topic. Perhaps you should just tell ur father how ur mother is feeling. Ask him why did he marry again.

[suhailc]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Back in Feb my dad got married again. My mom was totally mad and not happy about. But he went and did it anyway. My is still so depressed. She tries to put up a brave face for me but I know she's hurting inside. She feels betrayed by my father. My mother isn't the same person.

I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do to take my moms pain away.

I have grown to hate my father for what he has done. I know it's halal but he knew it would hurt my mother but he did it anyway. My mother will never recover from this.

I'm only civil with my father because I'm forced to stay at home until I marry ( which I don't know think I ever do because I'm pretty much turned off by marriage now. Men disgust men now.).

I honestly do not care if he dies at this point. I know it sounds harsh but that's how much I hate him for doing what he did to my mom.

The other day he asked how did I feel about being a big sister ( I think the other wife must be pregnant or something. He didn't say but th question was out of the blue. So it must be she's pregnant ) I just looked at him like he nut. He's a fool if he thinks I'm all excited about being a big sister to a kid a isn't my moms. And that child will be nothing to me. I refuse to except that child as my sibling.

I know I shouldn't have this much hate for him. But there no way of me respecting him anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for the way I feel because at the end of the day he is my dad.

Is there anyway I can regain respect for him? Anyway to rid myself of this anger.

Well a second wife is normally not a wonderful surprise for the first wife and children. However as cyber_abdullah pointed out there may be many reasons for it, and here's some very common ones:

Some women lose their sex drive, esp after kids and work and what not. Men generally don't lose theirs until much later in life and so instead of committing haram choose the halal option of another wife, usually a much younger one.

Another aspect is companionship. Some men are more romantic than their wives(would you believe it!) and wanna play romeo with their juliet. People may think that's sad but some men, even very old ones, like romance. They don't just want a wife who looks after the kids and does the cooking/cleaning/shopping. They want someone to make them feel alive.

Another reason is when a man comes across a women who needs assistance. I know friends who've considered second wives who lost their husbands and needed a man in their life for themselves and their kids. This is by far the most admirable and reward-able. In my opinion it should be encouraged because everywhere I look I see scores of unmarried sisters who may never end up getting married because there's more women than men available. And that's a fact.

And lastly some men do it to wind up their existing wife for whatever reason.

So basically desire, companionship, charity and revenge/create jealously.

If its any of the first three I'd say give your father a break. If it's the fourth I'd say you are correct to be angry with him.

Lastly as a general message to all married Muslim women - if you want to try and do your best to prevent your husband marrying again, keep him super happy in bed(which may also mean keeping yourself in shape), be romantic(if he responds well to it), and support him if he wants to help another woman and her kids. And don't wind him up so much that he'll want to make you jealous.

[oz99]

Re: I have anger and resentment towards my father for getting a 2nd wife.

Why is everyone defending the father here?

Just because polygamy is permissible does not mean it is right in all instances.

Personally, I would file for a divorce if I was your mum.

[AnnaM]

SimSituation it is not possible to receive benefits when someone has 70k+ savings. Bit confusing really. Also you should have more respect for your father even though your mother doesn’t have any.

[Fakhri-bin-Ali]

( br Abu 'Abdullaah - post #11 - no report button)

[RuthlessSoftie]

( br Abu 'Abdullaah - post #11 - no report button)

5 years too late son

[notEVOLVED]

5 years too late son

Such was the state of the forum.

Before the Sons brought civility and order.

[RuthlessSoftie]

Such was the state of the forum.

Before the Sons brought civility and order.

Wasn't that the RAS son or whatever it was called