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Advice on parting ways with one's parents

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  • Advice on parting ways with one's parents

    Resently I made the decision to not communicate or see my parents. I massaged them that this was the case. I came to this as I feel they are very toxic and causing me to much stress.

    While I was a child my parents split up but did not divorse. Myself and mother went and stayed with my grandparents. I was 7 years of age when that happened.

    I have always never liked my father for the fact that he is a miser, even though he worked as a lawyer for a charity. For one before I moved to my grandparents I used to go to a top private school where I used to play cricket, but I being trained by an ex national professional player. When I moved, I tryed to continue this passion by joining the new public school team in my grandparents town. When I needed new equipment, my dad did not want to pay or get this for me. As such stopped playing cricket and started to gain weight. Only to have my dad start ridiculing me over this. However I did not take to much as I would only see my dad either on the weekend or when he would take us on holiday.

    However when I was 15 my dad whom suffered head trauma and needed to come back to the UK. So we had moved and here I went to GCSE, college and university.
    Because of howmuch of miser my dad was I could not make any friends because most used to hang out, play football(it was a £2.50 per head to play at goals for the night).
    Also many where playing games on there PlayStation.
    In the UK my dad never got Internet at the house nor did we ever have a TV in the house. I would have to go to the library or free Internet cafe to communicate with people back home in SA. Given that I found it hard to make friends in the UK and lost all my friends in SA.
    I did take to watching movies and TV that I would download while at the internet cafes. The laptop that I bought from my going away gifts and some work I did for the uncle (dads brother) was the old way to consume media.

    While at my grandparents the father figures that did attach to where my uncle (mother's cousin) and neighbors eldest child.
    ​​​The neighbours eldest had passed way due to a car crash 3 years ago and last week resently my uncle.

    I persive the relationship with my parents are toxic.
    - I recently got married to someone I had found. My parents did look for me ever since I got out of university even though I did not want to at the beginning. But love found its way into my heart, and when I was ready ameen Allah brought me what I needed. When I was introducing the two families, they were both my parents kept pushing me to get a prenuptial agreement with the one I chose. It lead to a point where both myself and my spouse nearly broke up. Also my dad kept on talking about how in the current market I would never get a property if both sides of the families do not contribute. One of the days we had gone to the house. I do not know what happened but my dad walked out of my now inlaws the house. He still to this day has not appolgied. Also at the time I got really mad at my dad and kicked him out of the house. If it was not for my mum he would have still been on the streets

    - Normal due to the way my dad is I would always be on mothers side. But resently I have noticed that if I get mad, she starts to cry and say "I'm all alone here in the UK and you can't leave me" and other things on that line.

    Now I have reallised I have been brought up with up by a narcissistic and a Stockholm syndromed emotional blackmailer.

    Around 5 years ago I started to going to the gym and did loose alot weight, got confidence in my life and found my wife. With the confidence I had found a local group of people that played board games and such.
    It seems like they don't like me doing this as they always complained. My mother keep stating that why don't I go for jamat or do more Islamic thing. In all honesty I don't like this as, whenever I went to madresa (islamic school) I would be lacking and become the laughing stock of the students and the Molana (islamic priest). Going to the musjid is not enjoying, as you have to sit on the floor, and which causes me back pain, I my legs get numb and due to my ADD I cannot consintrate. So for me going musjid is to pray namaaz and come out. I get that these are excuses, but I prey my namaaz, make time with my employer for extra time for Friday Jumuh, and when I can go to musjid and have always fast all 29/30 days.

    To be honest it is not easy to make the time to go to namaaz in jamat in weekdays given that I have to go to work, sometimes cook and also help clean the house. For my mother to look at me and say to my child that I am abandoneding him for 3hours to play boardgames mainly after I read majreb. I see me going for namaaz as a similar abandoneding my child.

    Given this resently I had a child of my own.

    As it been Covid, getting my own property, getting married and having a baby, I have gained weight as a result of not being able to get to the gym. But my dad no longer says these things to my face but says it to my mum in gujrathi, which I cannot understand but my wife can. So now my mum keep interating my weight gain. Further one day took my baby and put him on a scale. And in gujrathi my parents talk about how big my childs belly is getting. If you saw him you would see his perfectly avarage for a breastfeed baby.

    Another thing they do is, is given we decide to take the baby to outing like safari and a pantomime. My dad will email myself and my wife how baby's are going to catch Covid. Mind you neither of us have tested positive for the last 2 years.

    I get that they are grandparents but my mother just snatches the child out of our hands. The one time my wife needed to feed the baby (he was 2 weeks old at the time) and she had to play tug of war just so my wife could feed the baby. My mothers retailation was to jokingly say to my wife "when are you so punctual, let me stay longer with my grandchild", poking fun at my wife as she is always late. My mother always does this if you tell her you don't like something she is doing she will at like she took it in and then start giving you comments in a friendly joking tone as if she is playing with you.

    On the day I go to my board games my mother mentioned she needed things from tesco. I stated I'm going to boardgames, but send the list and I will go in my lunch hour the next day. Instead she calls as we are getting ready to go to my in-laws after I just finished work, to go to tesco and further to come sign papers. This was the day we found out my uncle passes away. Given the rush I was in and the hunger i was in as I needed to get to my In laws as we traditionally go every thrusday to eat. I dropped the groceries, signed the papers and rushed. I admit that I was angered as I am grieving and they rushed me.
    The next day a Friday sends me messages and then deletes it 3 times stating how disappointed in me she is that I did not sit with her to grieve.
    On that Friday we enter the house my mom and dad where fight, and for me it is normal as it has always been like that. When they see me my dad starts by say "why you going to boardgames you know..." and I cut him off says I don't want to talk about this. His response was "kill me kill, that is all you want to do, here take the knife" something he always says to me if he can't win a fight with either my mother or myself.

    Now we have been getting vaccined and we can move more freely I have been going back to board games to get myself out of the house and destress a bit. But my mother and father do not approve of me going. One day I noticed before I even left the house my mother while on a WhatsApp call telling my 5month old how bad his dad (me) was leaving him to go play boardgames. My wife stated my mother does this everytime I go and tells her to tell me off.

    Given this I made the choice not talk to either of them by sending this to them “Wish to not come or be in contact with you and mummy anymore. I feel the relationship we have is very toxic and I do not like it. I do not wish to go into details as it keeps angering me and I keep stacking on to the resentment that I have the both of you as parents.

    I cannot keep putting my mental health at risk and further I have to think of my children. I need positivity in my life now, and the only way I will get that is if I am free from seeing or talking to the two of you."

    I don't think my parents are bad people or anything like that.

    But I wanted to come on her as I need advice how to proceed, as I as I understand that in Islam your parents come after after Allah and nabi SAW, and generally you should disband ones parents. But given they do not see me as an adult and constantly putting me down.


  • #2
    I have a feeling your a very nice and passive and soft person, and that ur letting urself be a victim.
    U need to stop letting ppl do whatever they want, if you dont like something say it, dont be a push over, dont make excuses bc ur too scared of wat ppl are going to say. You need to put your foot down, dont give in to what ppl say. Stop letting what ppl say to u get to ur heart, Islamically u r not allowed to separate family ties

    Abu Huraira reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to relate but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they treat me badly. I am forbearing with them, but they are harsh with me.” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللَّهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ ‏
    If it is as you say, then it is as if you threw hot ashes at them. Allah will be with you as a supporter as long as you remain like so.

    Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2558, Grade: Sahih



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