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Severely depressed, don't know what to do

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  • Maria fatima
    replied
    As of now, I'm just afraid of getting married. All my life I tried so hard to be perfect, be kind and humble, study hard, obey my parents just to compensate this flaw of mine but it didn't happen. I see myself as a failure and a loser. I've failed in all walks of life. So far behind my peers and friends. I don't think I'll ever catch up.

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  • Maria fatima
    replied
    Originally posted by rideitout View Post
    Salams,

    How are you today?

    Sister, sorry to hear of your situation....I know its easier said than done but bear patience, I know it gets harder but try to remember that any suffering you encounter will benefit you in the eternal life, sins fall away like leaves of a tree, its hard but you need to keep remembering this, Shaitan will try and break you and make you forget this. Dont look at others, you may have better things coming to you that will last forever hence why you have been given this test, again I know this is hard to comprehend at times when you are going through it.

    YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ASAP - I promise you that it will help a great deal, keep praying and perhaps listen to some Ruqya audio, I am not sure if this helps but if things get really bad and you are unable to speak to someone from the faith an iman etc, try 1-800-273-8255 crisis line. You may be able to use Skype etc to make the call as your in Pakistan. Post back we would love to hear how your getting on inshalah.
    Not doing well. I am diagnosed with a mildest case of hemifacial microsomia (a birth defect, 1 out of 5000 have it, it affects half side of a fetus). It is so mild that I never suffer any health issues, but overtime it has affected half side of my face, half of my jaw didn't develop properly. Now I don't even know whether to thank God that I could have been blind in one eye, deaf, with uneven teeth, facial paralysis on one side of my face, not being able to swallow, missing a lung and kidney, and heart probelms. Or I should be angry with why do I look this way. I have option of surgery in which my jaw will be straightend and implant will be added (is asthetics even worth taking the risk only to be considered as a potential partner?). I'm not ugly but I have facial asymmetry which is noticeable and should be disclosed to potential partner, people here dont understand this issue and just back off like I'm abnormal or something. I don't think anyone would suggest me surgery, lots of doctors told me not to go for it(expect for one surgeon who basically proved I am defected). I must say that God has blessed me a lot in other ways but now I'm too much consumed by this factor. Its like I'm trying to do something and its not happening and I've identified the cause too but the solution is to go under the knife, have 2 surgeries in 3 years and God knows what will happen then. I've had proposals but i don't think they even wanted to marry me, i felt like they were being forced by their parents just because I was financially stronger than them. Why would a man agree to marrying someone with such a problem when there are so many normal looking girls out there? (i wouldn't). My parents are getting older by the day, they r worried for me. I thought I will be their strength at this stage but it seems I am struggling myself and making them more upset. It's not just about me, I am a burden and a trial for my parents. Not to mention the social and cultural pressure, I'm sure all our relatives r actually happy because I'm facing this issue now. Seeing my parents upset because of me makes me want to die. I'm starting to think that it would have been better if I had a fatal disease that would kill me instead of this socially awkward thing that is affecting my life. I'm not ungrateful, I'm just tired now. I'm tired at 26.

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  • rideitout
    replied
    Salams,

    How are you today?

    Sister, sorry to hear of your situation....I know its easier said than done but bear patience, I know it gets harder but try to remember that any suffering you encounter will benefit you in the eternal life, sins fall away like leaves of a tree, its hard but you need to keep remembering this, Shaitan will try and break you and make you forget this. Dont look at others, you may have better things coming to you that will last forever hence why you have been given this test, again I know this is hard to comprehend at times when you are going through it.

    YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ASAP - I promise you that it will help a great deal, keep praying and perhaps listen to some Ruqya audio, I am not sure if this helps but if things get really bad and you are unable to speak to someone from the faith an iman etc, try 1-800-273-8255 crisis line. You may be able to use Skype etc to make the call as your in Pakistan. Post back we would love to hear how your getting on inshalah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Fanta>Mirinda
    replied
    Originally posted by Maria fatima View Post
    Ws. Thank u for this advice. I can't deny the fact that I'm in a living hell. I hope this trial of mine ends soon. I don't feel like doing anything really. I don't want to end my life but each day I think about it and ways to actually do it. I don't know where I'm headed and what I will do. I dont want to do anything to harm myself but I'm struggling emotionally and psychologically. Things shouldn't be like this, I am supposed to be happy. I guess no one can help me. I'm unable to recover mentally. Can't take this burden anymore.
    Allah did not say work and waste your life so you can get mercy. Allah did not say life is meant to suffer. Allah did not say you are doomed because of your birth.

    There is a hadith (forgot which one again) that says whoever saves a human life will be as if he has saved the whole humanity.

    No matter what I say your mind will not change unless you feel that there is a ray of hope in this dunya. And there is. It starts from finding the meaning of your life. Why do you have a deformity that has put you at a disadvantage. The answer seems obvious- you are cursed. But there is no such thing as bad omen (qupte hadith, forgot which one). Everything has a purpose. I can guarantee you. But i know what is causing you to think this way and guess what, that turd is winning. I truly don't have the answer as to why your life has been such a disaster and why there are millions of other spending trillions every month on 'fashion' or 'fake charity' but I do know that Allah LOVES every and He has promised everyone the best. (quote Qur'an)

    Leave a comment:


  • Eorlingas
    replied
    We are told to ponder and reflect on our faith, but these parents have such a superficial and child like approach its baffling. Anyway, I'm sure there must be many men with a disfigurement or disability who are in the same situation, would u not consider them? 

    Leave a comment:


  • Maria fatima
    replied
    Ws. Thank u for this advice. I can't deny the fact that I'm in a living hell. I hope this trial of mine ends soon. I don't feel like doing anything really. I don't want to end my life but each day I think about it and ways to actually do it. I don't know where I'm headed and what I will do. I dont want to do anything to harm myself but I'm struggling emotionally and psychologically. Things shouldn't be like this, I am supposed to be happy. I guess no one can help me. I'm unable to recover mentally. Can't take this burden anymore.

    Leave a comment:


  • Fanta>Mirinda
    replied
    Salaam,

    So you've mentioned two major problem thats superceding other problems- 1)unable to find a spouse and the burden imposed by it on your parents and 2) Unable to secure a future financially due to a shortage of work opportunity.

    For #1, if you want someone to love you for who you are maybe since conventional methods haven't worked go via unconventional methods. Seek everywhere, and hope to make some sacrifices. Know that you are not responsible for your birth and there's always a way out. For every illness there is a cure however in your case the alternative to cure may be safer. Marriage is not a necessity as one may think, financial independance is. Perhaps find a professional field where you can work from home or in close quarters such as an office which may be better than field work.

    Allah says in surah Nisa: 29 "O ye who believe! Eat not up your property among yourselves in vanities: But let there be amongst you traffic and trade by mutual good-will: Nor kill yourselves; for verily Allah hath been to you Most Merciful.

    My suggestion would be
    1) Eliminate pressure points in your life, eg tell your parents to stop feeling so burdened. You are a human being not a commodity who needs to transferred. If Allah has decreed that you will not find hubby in 10 more years they have to accept it. You and them have to be strong. Think out of the box.
    2) Find Allah's mercy in His decree. Your situation is unique and unique situation presents with unique opportunities. I mean that if you have been deprived in one sector perhaps Allah has gifted you in another- you just have to find it. That may end up becoming your support for life.

    I hope you find some peace. Suicide is never the answer.

    Regards

    Leave a comment:


  • Maria fatima
    replied
    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
    Sister - just remember that you will get married when Allah has destined for you to get married - not a day earlier and not a day later. Endlessly stressing over it is not going to help your situation in the slightest. Get rid of the negative thoughts.

    If you're certain that you're being rejected just because of your facial deformity, then you can consult a few expert doctors in the field if a risk-free surgery is possible. You can also take the advice of ulamas in this matter.

    However, you should know that it is not a barrier to marriage. People with disabilities and genetic disorders get married all the time. So, inshaAllah, your knight in shining thobe , your Mr. Right will soon come along too.

    Shallow people who haven't realised your true worth and value may reject you, but that's alright because they don't deserve a precious gem like you. You have to wade through the trash that floats on the top of the ocean before you can find real gold at the bottom. So, be patient.

    Pray to Allah sincerely to bless you with a righteous spouse. Wake up during the last third portion of the night to supplicate . The dua made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss it's target.

    "Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqir)” [Qur’an, 28:24] and "Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin wa'j` alna li'l muttaqina imama)” [Qur'an, 25:74] are 2 very powerful and effective duas for people who are seeking spouses.

    Be cheerful and positive and hold an optimistic outlook . People are attracted towards those qualities. Strive to live the virtuous qualities you are looking for in a spouse. Occupy your time with a beneficial and productive activity.

    May Allah bless you with the very best in both worlds.
    Thank u for these kind words. I myself have seen people with far more disabilities living happily. I just feel so guilty seeing my parents in distress because of me. May God make this trial easy for them. May God give me patience and forgive me for my wrongdoings

    Leave a comment:


  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    Sister - just remember that you will get married when Allah has destined for you to get married - not a day earlier and not a day later. Endlessly stressing over it is not going to help your situation in the slightest. Get rid of the negative thoughts.

    If you're certain that you're being rejected just because of your facial deformity, then you can consult a few expert doctors in the field if a risk-free surgery is possible. You can also take the advice of ulamas in this matter.

    However, you should know that it is not a barrier to marriage. People with disabilities and genetic disorders get married all the time. So, inshaAllah, your knight in shining thobe , your Mr. Right will soon come along too.

    Shallow people who haven't realised your true worth and value may reject you, but that's alright because they don't deserve a precious gem like you. You have to wade through the trash that floats on the top of the ocean before you can find real gold at the bottom. So, be patient.

    Pray to Allah sincerely to bless you with a righteous spouse. Wake up during the last third portion of the night to supplicate . The dua made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss it's target.

    "Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqir)” [Qur’an, 28:24] and "Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin wa'j` alna li'l muttaqina imama)” [Qur'an, 25:74] are 2 very powerful and effective duas for people who are seeking spouses.

    Be cheerful and positive and hold an optimistic outlook . People are attracted towards those qualities. Strive to live the virtuous qualities you are looking for in a spouse. Occupy your time with a beneficial and productive activity.

    May Allah bless you with the very best in both worlds.

    Leave a comment:


  • UmmAbdullah86
    replied
    Originally posted by Maria fatima View Post

    Ws, thank u. I do believe all this u have said, everything is already decided for us and life for sure is uncertain, only God knows if we will even be able to see another day. If I'm not decreed to get married then no matter what I do I won't get married. Its just that sometimes I get really worried and distressed and need someone to talk to. Please make dua for me that I bear this test with patience and may God make it easy for me.
    I understand sister.  May Allah swt give you the best and make you content with it.  With every hardship there is ease.

    Leave a comment:


  • Maria fatima
    replied
    Ws, thank u. I do believe all this u have said, everything is already decided for us and life for sure is uncertain, only God knows if we will even be able to see another day. If I'm not decreed to get married then no matter what I do I won't get married. Its just that sometimes I get really worried and distressed and need someone to talk to. Please make dua for me that I bear this test with patience and may God make it easy for me.

    Leave a comment:


  • UmmAbdullah86
    replied
    Assalamo alaikum sister

    Remember that Allah swt wrote your fate before you were born; your time of birth, time of death and everything in between.  This includes the trials and tests that you have been afflicted with.  Your marriage is something that has been written too; we can all sit and wring hands about not getting proposals etc but Allah swt in His wisdom knows best.  What he has decreed for you will not pass you by alhamdulillah.  When you remember that Allah tests those who He loves this is a big blessing in disguise.  Sadly some societies put such a stress upon marriage, you are only 26, it is most definitely not too late for you!  My first piece of advice is to renew your thought processes around this test,  it is a gift from Allah swt for you and nothing in this life happens without it being decreed.  This makes it so much easier for us as Muslims.  Do not fret about marriage and to be blunt your parents need to get a bit of a grip.  You are 26, you have plenty of time so there is no need for them to be seriously stressed about it either.  Everybody's life is uncertain: I could have 2 fully functioning legs today and tomorrow be in an accident and be paralysed for life.  Work on your relationship with Allah swt, move forward, do what you can to better yourself for this life and the next.  Regarding your surgery, I would only suggest you go for it if YOU really want it.  You are very right that someone needs to accept you for you, do not compromise on that and make that very clear if you see someone else for marriage again.  It is much better IMO to remain unmarried than to be stuck in an abusive/unhappy marriage.  
     

    Leave a comment:


  • Maria fatima
    started a topic Severely depressed, don't know what to do

    Severely depressed, don't know what to do

    This is going to be a long post, just saying. So, I'm a 26 year old female from Pakistan. I have a facial deformity since I was a teenager. it Requires surgery to be corrected but its risky. This deformity Made me self conscious and insecure, still I've been strong and made it this far. But now I'm having difficulty in finding a spouse. This deformity is not affecting my health in any way and only affect the way I look. My parents are worried about how to get me married. Its been 3 years but everyone keeps rejecting me. At first they seem interested but then reject me after seeing me again. Now I already know that whoever is coming will reject me. This is taking a toll on my psychological and mental health. I feel like I'm physically and mentally ill. I've lost all self confidence and I feel like I'm a burden on my parents. They r immensely worried because of me. My existence is making them suffer. I feel like I'm always crying. I can't take it anymore, unable to eat and sleep. I'm thinking about ending my life but I'm a coward, can't do that either. I pray that Allah sends a nice person who'll accept me for who I am (this doesnt seem possible as in Pakistan marriage is all about the looks of a girl). I'm trying to be independent but thats also not working in my favor. All my efforts to find a good job are not working. Thats another aspect in which I'm facing failure. Everyone around me is getting married or engaged and having kids. Like all other girls my age, I also had dreams of getting married and having kids and being happy. Looks like its not gonna happen for me. I'm not hopeless, this is just what reality looks like. Not having a proposal in 3 years, what can I expect in the future. I've seen girls rejecting men just to find the right one and here I m not even getting an option to accept or reject. I got a proposal from a nice person a few years back but he got married to someone else (long story but I believe he wasn't mine or we would've been together). I regret that too sometimes. I also fear that if someone does marry me because of my status, he'll just do it forcefully and he wont be able to have love for me. So I dont just want a husband, I want him to accept me and love me for what God made me. I'm not being ungrateful for all the other blessings in my life but seeing my parents like this kills me inside. I used to be a happy person despite all this and my friends loved me but reality hit hard and I can't turn my face away from it foever which I've been doing for so long. My hopes are fading and I'm losing myself, I've got no one to talk to, severely depressed, uncertain of future, fear of ending my life in a haram way. Please try understand my fears. should I go for surgery to solve this deformity (risk of facial paralysis), people r getting it in the west but should I do it? What if things go wrong? I'll be paralysed for life on the right side of my face. Guide me and make dua for me. I'm in dire need of help and dua. JazakAllah khair

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