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Pls help me advice this sister (ADULTERY)

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  • Pls help me advice this sister (ADULTERY)

    Assalamu alaykum

    thereís a sister close to me who has recently confided in me & im a bit lost as to what to advise her. Pls if anyone can give any advice that would be great

    the situation is as follows - she has been divorced from her husband a number of times but continued to stay with her husband due to him telling her that the divorces did not count. Having been in a similar situation myself previously, I had advised her on many occasions that she needs to go to the shariah court to get a verdict but she said her husband refused to comply

    She states that deep in her heart, she knew her husband was not extremely angry on all the occasions he had divorced her (5 times explicitly on different occasions) and she feared that the marriage was not valid but due to his negligence and failure to go to the court, she continued to stay with him

    she said that she went to various scholars online who warned her of how grave the matter is & one scholar told her sheís living in zina. Her husband had an online argument with the scholar but still refused to go to a judge or Islamic court

    she continued living like this for a number of years but every now and again would tell her husband to get the matter clarified as it was causing her anxiety and mental turmoil. She couldnít do anything herself as she had to go the Islamic court for them to hear both sides

    now... this is the messed up bit

    she states she feels she was living in zina with him but it wasnít worth it as she didnít love him and had a toxic marriage. after one massive fight with her husband, she decided enough was enough and declared herself to be divorced. She told her husband that she no longer sees herself as his wife as he had divorced her five times and because heís not doing anything about it, she will not treat him as a husband

    unfortunately she fell into sin and started talking to men online. These men would manipulate her and tell her that sheís living In haram and after her third divorce was uttered, she was divorced. She also believed this and not considering her marriage to be valid, she ended up kissing one guy...

    during this time her husband had finally gone to a scholar who said that the divorces do not count and only two count. He said he has to issue this fatwa as if he doesnít they have been living in sin and have had children out of wedlock. The scholar said if they had gone to any other court, they would have dissolved the marriage there & then but he is issuing leniency due to their children

    said friend is going absolutely mental saying she commited adultery whilst married. She states she kissed another man & something is happening to her I feel as though sheís going mental with regret and sorrow. She said she didnít sleep with him but kissed him.

    She since left her husband via khula. She says she was at brink of losing her iman when she was with her husband and fell into sin due to the mental torture of her believeing she was divorced but him taking it lightly. She told me she had so weak iman that she didnít know what she was doing or the consequences of it

    her iman appears to be back again and she is extremely extremely remorseful of what she has done. She states sheís done either two big sins and she doesnít know which is worse

    1) that her marriage with her husband really was invalid after the third divorce and she has been living in sin for five years and has had children in this situation
    or
    2) that her marriage was valid and she kissed another man whilst married. (Thinking her marriage was invalid)

    she is going mental. She keeps on asking me which situation is worse and I donít know what to say (I believe the first scenario is worse) sheís going absolutely mental itís ramadan and all she keeps doing is googling YouTube clicks of adultery talks and keeps saying sheís going to hell

    shes repented for both situations but honestly sheís going mental absolutely mental about what she has done

    i just donít know what to say to her
    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Kissing a non mahram with or without being married is haraam. So I don't understand this part you keep repeating about her that it was a sin because she thinks she was married.

    Also, adultery refers to sexual intercourse by a married person with anyone other than his/her spouse. So, again this is another thing I don't understand. How is the second thing adultery?

    This is a delicate issue where the advice of a scholar is more necessary than a friend's.

    Comment


    • #3
      nvm
      Last edited by sis_on_sunnah; 16-05-19, 10:42 PM. Reason: nvm
      http://www.deenulhuq.wordpress.com

      Don't depend on anyone too much in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness ~ibn taymiyyah

      Comment


      • #4
        Refer to a scholar to find out whats worse

        she shouldnt blame her ex for her minor zina that was her fault and shes responsible for that

        in terms of her guilt well its done now
        If shes made tawba she should leave it at that and just do good deeds to make up for it

        Allah SWT said:

        قُلْ يٰعِبَادِىَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلٰىٓ أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
        "Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
        (QS. Az-Zumar 39: Verse 53)

        * Via Qur'an English http://quran-en.com

        Allah forgives people who have committed shirk(if they make tawba before death) , murder ,riba

        why would Allah not forgive her

        Allah is the most forgiving the most merciful
        When she makes tawba she should beleive that Allah has answered her dua and repentence

        Comment


        • #5
          Reminder to us all
          that even if your good now later on u can easily fall
          Whether its zina, murder or even shirk
          u dont know if you will die muslim
          so everyday make tawba and make duas that your kept steadfast on this deen and on taqwa

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by sis_on_sunnah View Post
            nvm
            Are u and op same person

            Comment


            • #7
              There's not much you can do. Your friend is wracked with guilt.

              She needs to get over it. There is no point in watching YT vids about adultery and zina now. It is also useless to compare which sin is worse than the other.

              She needs to reconnect with her Creator and what better time than Ramadhaan? Tell her to stop moping about her past and focus on her emaan and ibadah In Sha Allaah.


              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
                Kissing a non mahram with or without being married is haraam. So I don't understand this part you keep repeating about her that it was a sin because she thinks she was married.

                Also, adultery refers to sexual intercourse by a married person with anyone other than his/her spouse. So, again this is another thing I don't understand. How is the second thing adultery?

                This is a delicate issue where the advice of a scholar is more necessary than a friend's.
                She believes that because she kissed the other man that this is adultery. Myself & another friend have already advised her that adultery as per the shariah and which would require the hadd would be intercourse and kissing whilst a big sin wouldnít be classified as adultery but she doesnít seem to comprehend this, saying that surely everything that leads to adultery, is adultery.¬*


                ¬*
                https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                  There's not much you can do. Your friend is wracked with guilt.

                  She needs to get over it. There is no point in watching YT vids about adultery and zina now. It is also useless to compare which sin is worse than the other.

                  She needs to reconnect with her Creator and what better time than Ramadhaan? Tell her to stop moping about her past and focus on her emaan and ibadah In Sha Allaah.

                  Sheís saying she had incredibly weak iman (this is a sister who has been strong in the religion for 15 years) and she suddenly slipped up. Her sins appear to have made her closer to Allah as I have never ever seen anyone in this state before but her constant voice notes that she leaves daily about the same thing is just making me feel so helpless, like I really want to help her but I donít know what else to say¬*
                  https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                    Refer to a scholar to find out whats worse

                    she shouldnt blame her ex for her minor zina that was her fault and shes responsible for that

                    in terms of her guilt well its done now
                    If shes made tawba she should leave it at that and just do good deeds to make up for it

                    Allah SWT said:

                    قُلْ يٰعِبَادِىَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلٰىٓ أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
                    "Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
                    (QS. Az-Zumar 39: Verse 53)

                    * Via Qur'an English http://quran-en.com

                    Allah forgives people who have committed shirk(if they make tawba before death) , murder ,riba

                    why would Allah not forgive her

                    Allah is the most forgiving the most merciful
                    When she makes tawba she should beleive that Allah has answered her dua and repentence
                    Is it really minor zina though? Worryingly, she wants her marriage with her x husband to be seen as invalid so that she does not have the burden of zina whilst married in her shoulders but she doesnít realise that if her marriage was indeed invalid thatís 5 years of sin and plus children born out of zina authobillah¬*
                    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Layla_ View Post

                      Sheís saying she had incredibly weak iman (this is a sister who has been strong in the religion for 15 years) and she suddenly slipped up. Her sins appear to have made her closer to Allah as I have never ever seen anyone in this state before but her constant voice notes that she leaves daily about the same thing is just making me feel so helpless, like I really want to help her but I donít know what else to say¬*
                      It's understandable you want to help her. But in this situation - ignore her when she talks about the same problem again and again. Tell her it is repetitive and boring.

                      Maybe she will stop with the voice notes?

                      It might seem harsh, but it might be the wake up call she needs.

                      (But this could potentially backfire and you may end up losing her as a friend).

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        The thing is, she doesnít have anyone else to turn to. I believe her isolation is what led her to sin in the first place as she kept the fact that her husband divorced her five times to herself and only made a couple of us aware of it after ages¬*
                        i do feel like ignoring her at times as I donít know what else to say Cus she keeps on asking me which sin is worse but seeing her in this state is sad so I wouldnít want to neglect her. Sheís definitely learnt her lesson. I just keep messaging her saying repent and turn back to Allah and all I keep getting back every single voice note is ĎIím the worst muslim in the world nobody is worse than me Iíve transgressed, how could I have done this, how will I face Allah on judgement day, why did I do this after 15 yearsí etc etc literally every single voice note is her saying the same thing But I guess this is a sign of her repentance allahu aalaum
                        ¬*
                        https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Layla_ View Post

                          She believes that because she kissed the other man that this is adultery. Myself & another friend have already advised her that adultery as per the shariah and which would require the hadd would be intercourse and kissing whilst a big sin wouldnít be classified as adultery but she doesnít seem to comprehend this, saying that surely everything that leads to adultery, is adultery.¬*


                          ¬*
                          Tell her to speak to a scholar to finally get her answer and give this some closure.

                          If the scholar says it was Zina then she will have to accept it but continue to seek forgiven from Allah daily.

                          She can give charity and it is the month of good deeds and we get extra rewards for it, therefore, she should make the most out of it.

                          Can't turn back time so tell her that this should be taken as a lesson and she should never go back to that.

                          She should also conceal her sins. She shouldn't be sharing it with everyone. Tell her to start fresh and guard her chastity.

                          She sounds very distressed so it will take her time to accept all this.¬*

                          As long as she knows it was wrong and to never do it again for her own akhirah.

                          ¬*
                          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Sis the problem here is that she had already been to scholars before who told her that her marriage with her husband was invalid but she continued to live with him but what her husband done was shopped around for a shaykh who issued an extremely lenient fatwa saying their marriage is valid. On top of this the imam admitted that had she gone anywhere else, they would have dissolved their marriage. I just find it a bit strange that she wants her marriage with her husband to be invalid and she doesnít see that her living with him in potential sin and having children is as bad, if not worse, as her kissing someone if she was married ...
                            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
                              Sis the problem here is that she had already been to scholars before who told her that her marriage with her husband was invalid but she continued to live with him but what her husband done was shopped around for a shaykh who issued an extremely lenient fatwa saying their marriage is valid. On top of this the imam admitted that had she gone anywhere else, they would have dissolved their marriage. I just find it a bit strange that she wants her marriage with her husband to be invalid and she doesnít see that her living with him in potential sin and having children is as bad, if not worse, as her kissing someone if she was married ...
                              It's nice of you for being a real friend and not ditching her when she needs support the most. It requires patience but you have done your best.

                              You could suggest her to seek therapy just to give her a helping hand to get out of this vicious cycle.
                              ¬*
                              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                              Comment

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