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  • Advice please only married couples

    Recently got married husband says thinks like you have had it before have you etc he also i feel played around pretending like it wont go in then went to sleep. Feel like he was degrading and mocking me and does not really see me as a wife. He has said i sound stupid and emotional and am sensitive.

    how do i deal with him with dignity? These are not good signs so early on in the marriage. Is he not sincere?

    i have spoken to him normally after that like nothings happened but now i realize the way he treats me is a big deal basically he gives the impression that your nice to touch but thier are no genuine feelings involved
    And i dont think he thinks iam pretty im very plain looking
    how do i confront him

    when i asked if i was his first and last he said first sounded good but last sounds negative and nothing is the end of the world etc

    what exactly is he trying to say?

    and what abt asking if i had ever had it before do i forgive that
    Last edited by auser; 15-11-18, 04:06 AM.

  • #2
    Sit down with him and have a chat to see what he really feels, my husband also had some issues with me being emotional because he never seen those things in his female relatives so it was new to him, but as we getting to know eachother more he understands it better etc. Comunicating is important and both wanting to be in the marriage and wanting to put an effort is very important

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    • #3
      Wa alaykumus salaam,

      This could be nothing, him goofing around but it might not be.

      Men when they laugh and joke with each other will often be quite cruel in our humour, it's almost never meant personally nor is it usually taken that way. It could also be a way of deflecting from his own insecurities. But getting married this can be shocking to someone that their jokes can now cause serious hurt to someone's feelings.

      If this is the case, a few short talks later most men usually get it, and start learning where the lines are with this new individual, and what they can and cannot joke around with.

      However some people, especially if they've grown up around families that follow this pattern will use cruelty and putdowns as a way of boosting their own self-esteem, and some families can be quite toxic but when confronted, 'oh it's just a joke' defense comes up.

      Such people can and do change, but it takes a long time and only if they're willing to do so.
      FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

      www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by auser View Post
        Recently got married husband says thinks like you have had it before have you etc he also i feel played around pretending like it wont go in then went to sleep. Feel like he was degrading and mocking me and does not really see me as a wife. He has said i sound stupid and emotional and am sensitive.
        Your husband is accusing you of being in past relationships?

        Did you not look at his character before you married him? Nip this in the bud before it escalates. Make sure you tell him he can't speak to you like this, its slander and not a joke. Threaten to get parents involved if he continues to disrespect you. Im only saying this because if he is doing this early on in the marriage then God knows what else he may accuse you of.
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
          Wa alaykumus salaam,

          This could be nothing, him goofing around but it might not be.
          .
          A muslim man accusing his wife of being with others is not goofing around?

          Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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          • #6
            Originally posted by shay5 View Post

            A muslim man accusing his wife of being with others is not goofing around?
            I didn't read it that way, but that he was not denying being with other women before, but not confirming it either.

            What he said was pretty atrocious, but some men are absolute idiots and don't have a clue when they get married and best to find out what is happening with him first before we advise her to kick him out don't you think?
            FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

            www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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            • #7
              Very sorry you are in this situation because this husband of yours isn't some young lad, he is old enough to be mature and have common sense.

              Some men are losers and it should be illegal for them to marry.

              Forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't this the highly educated fiance? Who had an ill father abroad?

              So much for being educated

              ​​​​​​
              I would say don't let him convince you or think less of yourself. You have to have confidence sister, he doesn't sound like a catch in the slightest. Prove him wrong. It's laughable he is calling you stupid but behaves like a complete moron himself.

              Be firm how you approach him and tell him that you don't appreciate these accusations and disrespectful behaviour towards you. If that's his sense of humour he will have to get a new one because it isn't doing him any favours. He has to understand all this.

              Explain to him you want a good relationship with him as it's important for both of you and your families.

              Tell him what your expectations are and please don't potray yourself as a weakling. Remind him you are his wife and he should treat you right.

              ​​​​Is he interested in religion?

              There are tonnes of marriage PDFs on kalamullah website where it teaches men to treat their wives properly, it would do him good if he read those.

              How is his father? I'm sure the last thing he'd want is to worry his father about marriage.

              Last edited by Ya'sin; 15-11-18, 08:10 PM.
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                Very sorry you are in this situation because this husband of yours isn't some young lad, he is old enough to be mature and have common sense.

                Some men are losers and it should be illegal for them to marry.

                Forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't this the highly educated fiance? Who had an ill father abroad?

                So much for being educated
                Some of the dumbest people I've met have been highly educated. memorising and passing on knowledge is a totally different thing to absorbing and making that knowledge part of you and how you present yourself to the world.

                FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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