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  • extremely confused

    Asalamoalaikum

    I thought a bit before posting this but I am really in need for some guidance. I have been doing ishtikara and will continue.

    I was all set to get married in the coming weeks, the guys family was overseas, my father met him through someone here. Initially they had agreed that it was fine for him to get married here , we had set a date printed cards told our relatives here etc etc they had said that may be a few members of his family would come. however his father health got worse . So they asked that me and my father and anyone else that can go overseas comes and we do the nikkah /walima there for his father to see and we can do what we had prepared here, here.

    The problem is I am still a student , late twenties , so no work means I dont have much money at all. My parents and other younger siblings we're going to help. So basically money is a problem. Another thing is that doing this without my mother and sister is really really difficult for me. Currently with the finances its not possible for everyone to go. So, I dont know what to do.


    Should I go ahead without my family and probably using more money than we have or say to wait a year or two. What I should have done was not have agreed to this to begin with and said I will rather finish my studies first.
    I am actually very inclined to end this , I just dont like their attitude in a few things, but I think they know I was quiet excited about this wedding and somewhat liked this guy. We have not spoken but I have asked his sister how he was doing through his fathers health situation , I was quite happy when he came for the engagement etc , i guess I did let my emotions get the better of me and probably appeared a bit "easy" , as it was liking someone you don't know. It does not really show that your walls are very high.Although in my mind their were high this is someone my father had chosen, he had come for engagement so me being happy made sense. I don't go around flirting with people. Anyway, nothing that we did without my parents knowing or anything but these cues are enough for any sensible person to work out that the other party is interested, may be merely interested in marriage. So I feel a bit silly.

    I actually in all honesty, want this to end.

    Any advice is appreciated.
    ​​​​​​JazakAllah khayr
    Last edited by auser; 09-10-18, 02:34 AM.

  • #2
    If you dont want to marry him just dont. Because it c an be something you will regret. Pray istikhara again, and if you dont have the money to go there can't he chip in?
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    • #3
      One very crucial ruling when doing istikhara is that do it before the decisions are made! You already invited everyone and all arrangements are done and now there is no use of doing istikhara because you won't get the answer because you already made the choice,this is what the scholars of islam say about doing istikhara.Btw sister the best thing for you now is that listen to what your parents say talk to them parents are always right in these type of matters.
      NO RACISM

      Comment


      • #4
        1) seems like you like this guy so maybe don't break it off entirely.
        You said you're in your late twenties so I don't want you to break it off because you might regret it or be resentful for not being married and older. If you don't care about that then ignore what I said lol

        2) Tell them you do not want to get the nikah done without your mother and sister.
        3) Tell them to repropose (if he is still single )after you complete your studies and get a job to earn some money

        Question : How will you get hi to this country if you dont earn enough to apply for a visa? I'm assuming you're in the UK or how will you afford to keep him in the West if he has no money and neither do you or your family?

        Last edited by shay5; 09-10-18, 02:07 PM.
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

        Comment


        • #5
          Walikumsalam,

          Skype? They want their dad to see it so maybe this is the closest you can get. I have seen people talk about Skype nikahs on the forum. Speak to knowledgeable people and find out if nikah will be valid this way or not.

          I personally don't think it's a good idea, I would stay put until the potential comes back. JUST MY OPINION. Obviously I don't know your whole situation or the family.

          You have to be confident with the decisions you make, in this case, not only do you have financial issues but you also have doubts.

          ​​​​

          Someone has to tell them that you are not in a position to visit Pakistan and also that you would want your own mum there too.

          A very high request from the groom's side telling you to go abroad for their dad, so if they can understand your situation it will be very considerate of them. It's only right.

          Remember that you are ALLOWED to make requests too or talk about anything that concerns you as the bride.




          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Don't let anyone pressurise you, if you want more time then discuss this with your family and his.

            How long till you finish studies?

            And is he british or not?

            He better be the one providing for you financially otherwise he shouldn't be seeking a wife
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              If you're not 110% sure you want to marry him, then you may as well call it off.

              Comment


              • #8
                My parents will be able to go , not siblings.He works here and will be the one earning.
                His on a work visa. I have another 2yrs to go after this yr.
                i feel they are doing this because we were expecting him to get married without his family. Because basically his parents cant come here at most his siblings can. If i was to call it off i would just be calling it off because i feel like it which may not be smart. My parents also dont want this to be called off as we have told people here etc.
                the fact that they are saying his father is unwell makes the situation more complicated.

                i could skype it with my siblings. But im still confused abt going ahead with this.
                Last edited by auser; 10-10-18, 02:04 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  Walikumsalam,

                  Skype? They want their dad to see it so maybe this is the closest you can get. I have seen people talk about Skype nikahs on the forum. Speak to knowledgeable people and find out if nikah will be valid this way or not.

                  I personally don't think it's a good idea, I would stay put until the potential comes back. JUST MY OPINION. Obviously I don't know your whole situation or the family.

                  You have to be confident with the decisions you make, in this case, not only do you have financial issues but you also have doubts.

                  ​​​​

                  Someone has to tell them that you are not in a position to visit Pakistan and also that you would want your own mum there too.

                  A very high request from the groom's side telling you to go abroad for their dad, so if they can understand your situation it will be very considerate of them. It's only right.

                  Remember that you are ALLOWED to make requests too or talk about anything that concerns you as the bride.



                  Why do you think its a bad idea?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by auser View Post

                    Why do you think its a bad idea?
                    What if they ask you to say for the sake of their father? What will happen then?

                    Are they cultural in the sense that they want a daughter in law that serves them?

                    I don't know the family so it's hard to tell.

                    Did you speak to your family? Make sure you do so that they can let him know there's some financial issues.

                    I think it's a bad idea because you don't have the money, you have some doubts and you need to be in a position where you are happy with their actions.

                    You mentioned you're not happy with a few things so you have to clear those up and see what they say.

                    People do things differently so that is why it's up to us to talk about it.





                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment

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