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How would you deal with abusive relatives?

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  • How would you deal with abusive relatives?

    I have a few relatives who are very disrespectful and toxic with me. I tried to play along for many years but unfortunately I have had enough. Interacting with them is not good for my mental and emotional health.

    I know that cutting them off is not an option and it is a major sin in Islam. So, I am just keeping a distance for now. I may message them twice a year (two Eid Mubaraks). That's pretty much it.

    Is this enough? How should one deal with this situation?

  • #2
    I think what you're doing is fine...messaging them twice a year. If things get physical and you need some backup feel free to give me a shout..I'm currently 3-0 in the streets..granted two of them were heavily pregnant but it still counts 👍

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    • #3

      Better would be maybe to have in addition some short meeting with them. Buy them maybe a good gift, like a good book or two, ask them for health, if they need some kind of help etc.
      Keep short and productive.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Muhammed_Abdullah View Post
        I have a few relatives who are very disrespectful and toxic with me. I tried to play along for many years but unfortunately I have had enough. Interacting with them is not good for my mental and emotional health.

        I know that cutting them off is not an option and it is a major sin in Islam. So, I am just keeping a distance for now. I may message them twice a year (two Eid Mubaraks). That's pretty much it.

        Is this enough? How should one deal with this situation?
        I think you're doing the right thing.

        Regarding cutting relatives it could actually be permissible depending on your relation with them for example if they are some distant cousins they can most likely be cut off because they are not amongst those it is obligatory to keep ties with.

        It is wise to keep your distance with people who spread toxicity in your life, keep boundaries when you need to interact with them, basically just be polite yet firm with them.
        Last edited by hasan2013; 20-09-21, 12:04 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
          I'm currently 3-0 in the streets..granted two of them were heavily pregnant but it still counts 👍
          Pregnant woman are two people. So technically you are 5-0.
          Pregnant lady><Eorlingas

          ~Bub

          Apologies for the joke, Muhammed_Abdullah. I agree with the other posters that you are handling the situation well. Maintain family ties. No matter how big of a jerk a certain relative may be.
          From the Many, One

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Murid View Post

            Better would be maybe to have in addition some short meeting with them. Buy them maybe a good gift, like a good book or two, ask them for health, if they need some kind of help etc.
            Keep short and productive.
            Walaykumus salam.

            I tried doing those additional meetings. But, it is hard to maintain that when things are not respectful. It is a matter of self-esteem and dignity. Also, I have put up with these for almost a decade.

            ​​​​​​​=========================================== ============================

            Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
            I think what you're doing is fine...messaging them twice a year. If things get physical and you need some backup feel free to give me a shout..I'm currently 3-0 in the streets..granted two of them were heavily pregnant but it still counts 👍
            Thanks.

            ​​​​​​​=========================================== ============================

            Originally posted by hasan2013 View Post

            I think you're doing the right thing.

            Regarding cutting relatives it could actually be permissible depending on your relation with them for example if they are some distant cousins they can most likely be cut off because they are not amongst those it is obligatory to keep ties with.

            It is wise to keep your distance with people who spread toxicity in your life, keep firm boundaries when you need to interact with them, basically just be polite yet firm with them.
            Thanks. Problem is they are not my distant relatives. Very close relatives from mostly my mom's side (uncles, aunts etc.). Just typical toxic desi relatives.

            ​​​​​​​=========================================== ============================

            Originally posted by BubbleGum View Post

            I agree with the other posters that you are handling the situation well. Maintain family ties. No matter how big of a jerk a certain relative may be.
            Thank you. May Allah (SWT) make it easy for me. Just a very tricky situation for me.



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            • #7
              Originally posted by Murid View Post
              Walaykumus salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Muhammed_Abdullah View Post

                Walaykumus salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

                Please look this hadith:
                https://sunnah.com/search?q=will+not...n+mustard+seed

                Can you explain please difference in English between self esteem and pride?

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                • #9
                  PS
                  found this
                  https://www.shoutoutuk.org/2015/01/0...coming-versus/

                  http://www.differencebetween.net/mis...d-self-esteem/

                  Sadly, there are a lot worse people.
                  Some unorthodox "muslim" spiritualist love dhulm and attacking dignity even by lies etc., they even ask for sort of shirk, when you ask dua, that you ask them, that their dua is more pwerful, that they have quwwah etc.
                  Interestingly they love the self esteem of themselfs, but other muslims "have shaytanic hearts".
                  they do not respect namaz or fasting with their naudhubillah sexualisations. They even curse the Allahs name.
                  Real dhalims.

                  Just an example.

                  Focus please on good but know that such sorts exist.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Murid View Post


                    Please look this hadith:
                    https://sunnah.com/search?q=will+not...n+mustard+seed

                    Can you explain please difference in English between self esteem and pride?
                    Originally posted by Murid View Post
                    PS
                    found this
                    https://www.shoutoutuk.org/2015/01/0...coming-versus/

                    http://www.differencebetween.net/mis...d-self-esteem/

                    Sadly, there are a lot worse people.
                    Some unorthodox "muslim" spiritualist love dhulm and attacking dignity even by lies etc., they even ask for sort of shirk, when you ask dua, that you ask them, that their dua is more pwerful, that they have quwwah etc.
                    Interestingly they love the self esteem of themselfs, but other muslims "have shaytanic hearts".
                    they do not respect namaz or fasting with their naudhubillah sexualisations. They even curse the Allahs name.
                    Real dhalims.

                    Just an example.

                    Focus please on good but know that such sorts exist.

                    Walaykumus salam. Thanks.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      If you only message them twice a year on Eid then I don't see what the problem is cos you already hardly have any contact with them as it is. I don't know what form of toxicity you're dealing with so it's hard to know how best to respond. A key question here is: if they are your mum's relatives, are they bullying her as well? If they are using their attitude to target you then that's one thing, but if they are using it to cause problems for the other members of the family especially your mum and if she feels subservient to them cos she is younger or she feels intimidated by them, then at the very least you'd have the right to speak out for the sake of defending your family. Even then, you have to watch out for the fallout cos such relatives will use the excuse of "lehaz" to try and get away with everything and label you as the terrible rude nephew who looks religious but has no manners.

                      On the other hand, if your mum really honours them and looks up to them then that makes things quite complicated cos then you don't want to react in a way that'll upset her either. If they speak to you in a condescending or offensive way you could respond to them with passive aggressive hadiths such as the one about how the believer should say good things or remain silent. If you do that they'll try to push your buttons by being increasingly offensive but stick with this tactic, respond with hadiths along similar lines and it'll frustrate them.
                      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                      Comment


                      • #12

                        Sorry for rereplying, but in the first message link, there is a hadith explaining pride (please scroll down):
                        https://sunnah.com/search?q=will+not...n+mustard+seed

                        We should not in my opinion be even passive agressive, if I understand well these hadith:
                        https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyh...dness-al-latf/

                        Neelu, please read and write what you think.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Murid View Post

                          Sorry for rereplying, but in the first message link, there is a hadith explaining pride (please scroll down):
                          https://sunnah.com/search?q=will+not...n+mustard+seed

                          We should not in my opinion be even passive agressive, if I understand well these hadith:
                          https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyh...dness-al-latf/

                          Neelu, please read and write what you think.
                          The sister said nothing wrong though, being overly nice with rude/toxic people most often just emboldens them to become worse so why deal with that aggro?
                          Last edited by hasan2013; 21-09-21, 02:11 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14

                            Maybe I'm wrong. I left it open.
                            We should be thinkers and reevaluate our stances.

                            We have these ayah:
                            https://corpus.quran.com/translation...er=41&verse=34

                            https://corpus.quran.com/translation...er=41&verse=35

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Murid View Post

                              Sorry for rereplying, but in the first message link, there is a hadith explaining pride (please scroll down):
                              https://sunnah.com/search?q=will+not...n+mustard+seed

                              We should not in my opinion be even passive agressive, if I understand well these hadith:
                              https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyh...dness-al-latf/

                              Neelu, please read and write what you think.
                              I don't know why you are bringing up the word "pride" here. You are confusing self-esteem with pride (both are not same).

                              That pride hadith is not applicable here I feel.

                              Self-esteem is more like not feeling low; it is about taking care of yourself. Pride is something else.

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