Random thread V3

[arifahze]

arifahze sorry to hear this. Other people's attitude can have a massive affect. I remember when my colleague got married to a very handsome successful guy and I was surprised, glad for her a d didn't think about it much. After sitting with someone who is always looking and comparing with what other people have - having her overreact and be blatantly jealous and commiserate over how good looking he is- I found myself unable to contain my sadness and jealousy (which wasn't even there before!) I cried on my lunch break. People can drag you into a pit if you aren't wary.

Since you're around them so much at work maybe you can keep your relationship friendly but strictly professional and distant? Dont share break times where you have to chat...do something else, be chatty about the job to show friendliness but not too much about personal stuff. Join an islamic circle that you can go to regularly (I haven't done that because they tend to be at times where its harder for me) or now there are zoom circles, listen to lectures on lunch breaks. .not strictly...just some of the time. Just removing the negative influence can make to see clearly again.

Thanks for caring. I too am used to be a person like you. Truly glad for other people's happiness because I used to believe that everyone has their own path and people can have different definition of success and happiness. It wasn't until I came back to my homeland after high school and college for many years. Not to be racist but it's very wide known here that the race from my homeland is just like that- very look and materialistic oriented. Someone is considered valuable if they have the look, money, and worldly possession. And it's not like that I want other people's approval for other qualities outside those two, but just some of them clearly show different attitude when dealing with people that are more attractive/ have more money.

You're right I need to keep some distance with these people. Although I doubted at first because I don't want to have no friends at work too. But I'll try to balance myself. And yes the online community. I have the channel to it actually, but am not really using it. I really should look into it more. Thanks for reminding!

[arifahze]

arifahze sorry to hear this. Other people's attitude can have a massive affect. I remember when my colleague got married to a very handsome successful guy and I was surprised, glad for her a d didn't think about it much. After sitting with someone who is always looking and comparing with what other people have - having her overreact and be blatantly jealous and commiserate over how good looking he is- I found myself unable to contain my sadness and jealousy (which wasn't even there before!) I cried on my lunch break. People can drag you into a pit if you aren't wary.

Since you're around them so much at work maybe you can keep your relationship friendly but strictly professional and distant? Dont share break times where you have to chat...do something else, be chatty about the job to show friendliness but not too much about personal stuff. Join an islamic circle that you can go to regularly (I haven't done that because they tend to be at times where its harder for me) or now there are zoom circles, listen to lectures on lunch breaks. .not strictly...just some of the time. Just removing the negative influence can make to see clearly again.

Just after replying to your response, I joined a whatsapp video call where I got introduced to my new halaqah group (I have a weekly meeting offline/ online where we study the deen together with a mentor). One of the member of the halaqh caught my eyes and I can't help but thinking why some people were born just naturally beautiful like that lol. It's so sad I think for me to have that thought. I have been working and living with my coworker for one year and online and offline everyone, guys, girls, are after appearance and being attractive and stuff.

I know that even beauty is a trial. And there are lots and lots of things to be grateful for. But living in this kinda society is sickening tbh. I know that I really need to find a way to deal with my negative thoughts and wrecked mindset. Wish me luck.

[arifahze]

Arifahze, if it makes you feel better, I ALWAYS get rejected, I'm not exaggerating, I wish I had a record to show you. I hope it helps with your confidence.

Since my early twenties and now I'm in my early thirties and same story so it doesn't actually surprise me when someone sees me and says no. I'm used to it, sometimes I question it but it is what it is.

It's better to not fixate on these things but I understand it can be harder when you're surrounded by people who are vain and put importance on fleeting things that don't offer real value or meaning to our lives. Looks do matter when it comes to marriage but there's no point of wasting energy on it, instead embrace and seek the beauty in what you have been given.

There are people who see religion as a chore, a burden, a restriction and a punishment, they struggle with seeking comfort in the Qur'an or in the remembrance of Allah because they're idol is something else and that idol doesn't have to be a living being. It can be a material things that we put importance on.

The less you care about what people say, the better.

I'm sorry for what you went through. It must be tough. But thanks for sharing. I'm trying to remind myself that Allah will not burden someone with something that they cannot bear. And that for whatever that Allah has put in our lives, it's all for the better because He loves us and only wants goodness for us even though we cannot see it.
I feel like these things are true, but I'm still trying to situate my heart to accept it.

And it's true about the idol part. Not everyone is lucky enough to be blessed all these things and yet lots of time it just gets underappreciated. Sigh.

I try to not care about what people say. But I guess it's not as easy as just saying it.

[Ya'sin]

I'm sorry for what you went through. It must be tough. But thanks for sharing. I'm trying to remind myself that Allah will not burden someone with something that they cannot bear. And that for whatever that Allah has put in our lives, it's all for the better because He loves us and only wants goodness for us even though we cannot see it.
I feel like these things are true, but I'm still trying to situate my heart to accept it.

And it's true about the idol part. Not everyone is lucky enough to be blessed all these things and yet lots of time it just gets underappreciated. Sigh.

I try to not care about what people say. But I guess it's not as easy as just saying it.

It's alright, I was always the 'ugly' one in my circle of school kids, cousins, colleagues etc ...

I agree it is easier said than done but try to look at people like myself (no sympathy or self pity) that are basically told their ugly

Then it may help with your confidence and appreciate your natural beauty, even if you don't meet societies standard of beauty which is always changing and will never be satisfied

Also, i try to remind myself if us women aren't able to defeat societies pressure when it comes to looks, we won't be able to spot dajjal's deceptions, hence men are advised to keep their women away during these times of trials and tribulation We don't even know if this has started as we speak because plenty of women are invested in their looks, who would have thought certain procedures would be available to the average person and not just celebrities

I don't want to look the same as other people so I try to seek the nice features I have in me and even if I do see someone pretty it doesn't mean much to me because I'm in my thirties now and a pretty face will be the last thing I will be worrying about, I'm nearer to death now

We all know death can take place any time now but being good looking won't be on my priority

I'd rather Allah rewards me for the trauma I had to go through because on the day of judgment people will wish to come back to earth so they can be tested

It's good to be tested when we know that there are people who don't even have food and water for the day

So every time difficulty strikes I push myself to remember, this is nothing

[Al-Mualim]

[arifahze]

It's alright, I was always the 'ugly' one in my circle of school kids, cousins, colleagues etc ...

I agree it is easier said than done but try to look at people like myself (no sympathy or self pity) that are basically told their ugly

Then it may help with your confidence and appreciate your natural beauty, even if you don't meet societies standard of beauty which is always changing and will never be satisfied

Also, i try to remind myself if us women aren't able to defeat societies pressure when it comes to looks, we won't be able to spot dajjal's deceptions, hence men are advised to keep their women away during these times of trials and tribulation We don't even know if this has started as we speak because plenty of women are invested in their looks, who would have thought certain procedures would be available to the average person and not just celebrities

I don't want to look the same as other people so I try to seek the nice features I have in me and even if I do see someone pretty it doesn't mean much to me because I'm in my thirties now and a pretty face will be the last thing I will be worrying about, I'm nearer to death now

We all know death can take place any time now but being good looking won't be on my priority

I'd rather Allah rewards me for the trauma I had to go through because on the day of judgment people will wish to come back to earth so they can be tested

It's good to be tested when we know that there are people who don't even have food and water for the day

So every time difficulty strikes I push myself to remember, this is nothing

I know right. That's also the guilt that I feel when being faced with the fact that a lot of people actually suffer, and I really mean suffer in their life. It's like I completely forget and neglect all this blessings that Allah has showered me with and that a lot of people wishing to have and would make use of these blessings, while me complaining about thing as shallow as looks.

But as much as I feel guilty, I cannot push my feeling away too cause these are real emotion.

Right now I'm just trying to battle these negative feeling with reminders from the Qur'an but I know for sure those feeling will resurface in the future and I just need to keep holding on to the faith and keep getting back up and keep turning back to Allah no matter how short or long that vortex of sadness/ anger lingers. Just wish that Allah will always help me in my hardest time and I know that He will.

[arifahze]

^That rejection must be hard Ya'sin. I remember when I was looking for work and kept being rejected for jobs again and again and this went on for a couple of years. It was disheartening and really dented my self esteem and my view of my self worth. Looking back, it seems silly to take it so personally or see it as a reflection of my self worth, but emotions don't follow logic. I can't imagine how it would feel to be rejected as a life partner again and again- it must be awful. One thing I do remember though is that when it comes to rishta searching in our 20s, there was only a finite amount of it that me and didi could do. I mean we'd try for a number of months and then it's like time and time again when you meet unsuitable people or things don't work out, it made us fed up of even trying and it becomes emotionally draining that eventually you HAVE TO take a break.

I remember when didi decided to move to Japan and my mum complained to her that what about finding a husband cos you wont find anyone there and she said I haven't been able to find anyone here in England all these years either and didi came to the conclusion that if Allah (swt) means for it to happen, it'll happen regardless of where I am and I can't put my life on hold for what may or may not happen. It was while she was in Japan that she met her husband online so she had a point (they're divorced now but that's not the point).

I haven't been rejected for my looks but I have been rejected cos of my disability and found that disheartening as well. I went through a phase about 8 years ago when I decided I should look for someone to marry in spite of the disability and shouldn't just wait until I recover cos I might never recover. I asked around the people I knew to keep a look out for men looking to marry etc but nothing ever worked out. Eventually I had to just stop looking cos it became painful to try and that was when I knew I had to stop. It's not that I've completely given up hope (it's more like a fantasy than a hope tbh) of ever getting married, but I'm not actively going round asking anymore. I now have the attitude that people know where to find me if they're interested but I'm not really holding my breath- if it happens it happens and if not, then it wasn't meant to be.

I just wanna say that the more I know or hear or read about the story of other people, the more I realize that everyone has issues, problems, struggles, that they have to dealt with. It's just that I got to face my problems and issues everyday while seeing other people doing okay. And so it would felt like, why am I the one who feeling like living is just so heavy? It doesn't help with the condition that I am not an open person irl, I am not used to talk about my feelings as a child and even when I grow up, and so yeah I gotta deal it on my own

But yeah, knowing that other people have the struggle that might even be harder than mine and that they still carry on and get through it, it kinda sends a little bit of push inside my heart to also put one feet in front of the other, and just try deal with it, mentally, emotionally, and just try be patient with myself

[neelu]

Honestly when it comes to rishtas (and a lot of things), yes it's true that a lot of people are shallow and selfish and it's really hard to find someone, but the bottom line is if it's meant to happen it'll happen and if it isn't, then it wont, no matter how much you strive for it and your parents try to pressure you into it. I went through a phase when I felt disgruntled that I knew I was being rejected cos of my disability so I kept thinking if only I wasn't disabled- then I remembered that I didn't find anyone before I became disabled either... and it's not like I didn't look good enough either. My health problems started when I was about 28 years old, so I'd been looking to marry for years before ill health took over my life.

Besides, I know plenty of nice women from decent families who are much older than me and never got married. One of my cousins is a successful doctor (probably in her late 50s now) from a good family and she never got married. Her parents tried introducing her to people for years but nothing ever worked out. Two of her female first cousins are close to her age and never married- they are well educated from good families, I don't understand why things never worked out for them.

There's also a really nice person who lives locally. She's also well educated, from a good family and she's in her 50s as well but never got married. I think she still lives with her mum. I think she's quite good looking as well so that's not an issue. The problem is: she's the eldest daughter and whenever rishtas turned up at her house, they'd ALWAYS prefer one of her younger sisters. The mum was SO extremely stubborn about insisting that the eldest must get married first, that she'd completely refuse to entertain the idea of letting the younger sisters marry first. This went on for decades and the younger sisters didn't get married until they were over 40 years old- thankfully at least they're settled down with their families now alhamdullilah. Anyway the eldest sister is still unmarried now and it just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe she's just a bit reserved and not chatty whereas her sisters are confident and talkative, but considering her great prospects as a decent, well raised person from a good family with a good education and career and is good looking- I find it shocking that she never found anyone in all this time, even after her sisters got married. It doesn't make sense except to draw the conclusion that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be and if it was meant to be- it would've happened by now.

It's partly saddening but also oddly comforting to know we're not alone with this and sometimes we think the problem is "it's because I'm disabled" or "it's because I'm not good looking" when actually there are women who have what you don't have and even they experience just as many problems in finding someone to marry.

[Ya'sin]

I just shared my picture and am waiting for the outcome LOL
but I've noticed every time I do share it, I get so much anxiety and my heart beats so fast

Wish I didn't feel that way

[Ya'sin]

I agree with you both neelu and arifah
it's one of those things, hard to explain

Although I have worry too and when I read about what neelu wrote about that 50 year old lady, automatically I thought at least she has financial security so she will also have her own accomodation it she can arrange that.

I guess it is in our nature to always look for a reason and make ourselves seem helpless.

[neelu]

I agree with you both neelu and arifah
it's one of those things, hard to explain

Although I have worry too and when I read about what neelu wrote about that 50 year old lady, automatically I thought at least she has financial security so she will also have her own accomodation it she can arrange that.

I guess it is in our nature to always look for a reason and make ourselves seem helpless.

Having financial security can be a problem as well as financial vulnerability. I have a distant relative who is a dentist in her 50s. When she was in her 40s, she met a guy for marriage and really liked him. He was well educated, well spoken and charming. She brought him round our house for tea cos her parents had died and my parents are the closest to elders she has in the UK and he seemed nice enough. He told us he was divorced with kids and they seemed to like each other.

A couple of months later, she got in touch with us and told us some disturbing things. First of all, it turned out he was still married to his first wife and seemed flaky about whether he was even going to divorce her or not and secondly.... he seemed to have his eye on our relative's house and wealth. I can't remember what he said exactly as it was a long time ago but it just sounded wrong- like he had no intention of leaving his first wife and seemed to be using this potential second wife for her money. She was very emotionally attached to him cos he was so charming but eventually had to break things off. Once she made it clear that she isn't offering him anything financially- let's just say he became less charming and more mean and that really put her off.

Whilst I know that financial vulnerability can be a huge problem for women because it becomes twice as hard to leave an abusive spouse if you're financially dependent and have nowhere to go- sometimes being financially affluent can attract the wrong sort of people as well... and the wrong sort of people are doubly attracted if they know that the woman doesn't have a father figure in her life.

Also one of my cousins in Pakistan was a divorcee in her 30s or 40s and quite well educated. Her mum arranged her marriage the traditional way with a divorcee who had two kids. Soon after they got married, he started beating her up. His kids really loved her and kept telling him to stop hitting her. He kept saying that they should all move to her mum's house and she kept saying that's a stupid idea I'm not doing that. Her mother is elderly, a lone parent and I think was battling cancer at the time. Anyway my cousin divorced him and eventually they realised he only married her out of greed because he wanted to move into her mother's house and intimidate her and her mother into signing over the house to him. The elderly mother had been divorced a long time so seeing two lone women, attracts people like that (I think her brothers were living abroad at the time though one of them has moved back to Karachi since then). In that case, my cousin didn't even have that much money of her own, but just knowing her mum had the stability of her own house was enough to attract the wrong person.

There is so much wisdom in the Islamic rule of having a wali to try and prevent such situations from arising but sadly it's hard for us to be appreciative cos we see too many examples of bad walis who make the wrong decisions as well. Speaking of which Ya'sin, as a divorcee, you're not obliged to get a wali's permission to get married anymore. If you find someone whose deen is good from a different background and seems compatible, you're within your rights to marry him without your father's consent if you want. I know that you're unlikely to do that, but still it doesn't seem fair that it's so incredibly difficult for you to find anyone as it is and your elders put these needless barriers in the way due to unIslamic prejudice.

[notEVOLVED]

Son.

Why'd you leave?

[Abu julaybeeb]

Having financial security can be a problem as well as financial vulnerability. I have a distant relative who is a dentist in her 50s. When she was in her 40s, she met a guy for marriage and really liked him. He was well educated, well spoken and charming. She brought him round our house for tea cos her parents had died and my parents are the closest to elders she has in the UK and he seemed nice enough. He told us he was divorced with kids and they seemed to like each other.

A couple of months later, she got in touch with us and told us some disturbing things. First of all, it turned out he was still married to his first wife and seemed flaky about whether he was even going to divorce her or not and secondly.... he seemed to have his eye on our relative's house and wealth. I can't remember what he said exactly as it was a long time ago but it just sounded wrong- like he had no intention of leaving his first wife and seemed to be using this potential second wife for her money. She was very emotionally attached to him cos he was so charming but eventually had to break things off. Once she made it clear that she isn't offering him anything financially- let's just say he became less charming and more mean and that really put her off.

Whilst I know that financial vulnerability can be a huge problem for women because it becomes twice as hard to leave an abusive spouse if you're financially dependent and have nowhere to go- sometimes being financially affluent can attract the wrong sort of people as well... and the wrong sort of people are doubly attracted if they know that the woman doesn't have a father figure in her life.

Also one of my cousins in Pakistan was a divorcee in her 30s or 40s and quite well educated. Her mum arranged her marriage the traditional way with a divorcee who had two kids. Soon after they got married, he started beating her up. His kids really loved her and kept telling him to stop hitting her. He kept saying that they should all move to her mum's house and she kept saying that's a stupid idea I'm not doing that. Her mother is elderly, a lone parent and I think was battling cancer at the time. Anyway my cousin divorced him and eventually they realised he only married her out of greed because he wanted to move into her mother's house and intimidate her and her mother into signing over the house to him. The elderly mother had been divorced a long time so seeing two lone women, attracts people like that (I think her brothers were living abroad at the time though one of them has moved back to Karachi since then). In that case, my cousin didn't even have that much money of her own, but just knowing her mum had the stability of her own house was enough to attract the wrong person.

There is so much wisdom in the Islamic rule of having a wali to try and prevent such situations from arising but sadly it's hard for us to be appreciative cos we see too many examples of bad walis who make the wrong decisions as well. Speaking of which Ya'sin, as a divorcee, you're not obliged to get a wali's permission to get married anymore. If you find someone whose deen is good from a different background and seems compatible, you're within your rights to marry him without your father's consent if you want. I know that you're unlikely to do that, but still it doesn't seem fair that it's so incredibly difficult for you to find anyone as it is and your elders put these needless barriers in the way due to unIslamic prejudice.

You shouldn't just go and tell people that they can get married without a wali so simply

Instead it is safer to find an alternative wali
Rather then doing it alone which can be risky and should be done last case scenario

even an imam in the masjid being the wali is better than having no wali at all

[Abu julaybeeb]

Allah will deal with these people on yawmul qiyama for oppressing others and not letting them get married for rotten reasons such as racism or older sibling first

[Kiro]

I can always count on Neelu on giving us stories for us to read.