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a youth who needs some advice (help)

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  • a youth who needs some advice (help)

      • my story is quite long but im desperate for help
        i am a girl and i live in uk. when i was 16 years old i met a guy on the bus and we became very close. i am Pakistani and he is afghan. lets just say we fell in love committed some sins and our relationship was a mess..... my parents did not like him at all and my mother on several occasions beat me with my step dad to try to make us apart. we would be in contact and then go months without contact. there was just something about this guy that i could not forget or imagine life without him. call it lust or call it love i still feel the same now as i did when we first met. BUT there were some major things about him that i also over looked his hasn't got his visa yet and in his paperwork he stated in one of his interviews that if he marries a British girl or has a child in UK will he get his visa. this was around 2017 2018. in addition his use to cut himself and also had my initial on his arm from when he used a knife to put my name on his arm. what he told me about his family was a lie and i only found out later. ie parents siblings wife. during our time apart i did speak to another guy to try to forget him as i saw on social media he was at gym and messing with lots of girls. the guy that i was talking to was to distract means we had no intentions to meet we were freinds but we stopped talking after short time when my mum found out. when he first met me he already had a non Muslim Indian girlfriend. but again he told me no. i also believed he may have had a wife back in Afghanistan and again he swore on everything that he didn't. in 2018 april my mum found out i was in contact with him, on that day i left home a went to him. i was still underage so police went crazy trying to find me. i eventually went home with him where my parents said to him fix yourself in 30 days then we will marry you possibly, we believed this and i went home. so now in june 2019 i finally got a phone after 2 years without one. soon after i got back into contact with him. oh also i wanted to say in 2018 wen i ran away we tried to do nikkah but were unable as i was underage and my parents were not there. we always talked about marriage and children. even though our relationship was messy i believe my love for him is real and deep. when we met i wasnt perfect innocent either and nor was he. due to this suspicions of his on countless occasions he would tell me i wasnt virgin or that i was used. before i met him i did have a small relationship with another guy and he did kiss me but nothing else happened ever. ya allah forgive me for my sins. the first thing i spoke to him about when i met him was this other guy the one before i wasnt ready for relationship and was quite strong minded but i fell weak and did everything he wanted me to do. to an extent he did use me. but he also never let me go. my love was too strong. i wanted to marry him but my family didn't like him. his visa case is still pending. so November 2019 i go to university and have 2 free hours so we go out while we were out my mum called and was like where are you. she always would find out. she said come home and at that point i was over it so i said im not coming. we met my real dad and he said to me come and stay with me and when all gets better in a few years get married. but i wanted to just start my married life with him. so on 1st December we had our nikkah and were now husband and wife his family were unaware and my family were not present that guy at the mosque acted as my wali. so now we are happily married and i am contact with my real dad and my borther who i speak to regularly. my dad does not speak to my husband but we hope with time it will get better. i have repented for any sins that i have made in the past and so has he. He has taught me how to pray properly and has increased my knowledge in islam. we pray together and he also reads quran around me and we watch Islamic videos together. i would say that being married to him has bought me closer to allah and i now pray everyday. my heart is pure and i have no intention to ever leave him because his presesce and guidence has bought me close to allah once again. we commited sin. we repented. and now we live our lives in a correct way. i stay home cook clean wash his clothes and he works i go to university but because of cronavirus im in lock down, but he works still at at fastfood place as of right now. his both of our familes know accepted it but arent happy.

        so now.. a couple of weeks ago he told me that he is engaged back home and that he will marry when he goes to Afghanistan. i have seen the girls photos and mashallah shes beautiful. naturally i feel angry jealous and all those emotions. but i dont let it show. he said he wants someone from his land but then why marry me? he said its because he loves me. but i dont believe so. when hes angry he always says to me the girl back home is better. i never talk back at him and he has beat me on several occasions more than i did at home over small things.i feel very low and always compare myself to her like shes better than me and he will love her more because shes from his land and her food tastes the same as his moms and her family and his family have a good relationship. they will have a big wedding and she will get lots of gifts and were beautiful clothes and all the people will be happy and dancing. every girl wants a wedding and for people to be happy and for her family to be around her, i am not materialistic but i do feel it. for example he gave be small amount for mehr. but he gave her incomparably more when fixing the engagement and hes spent very little money on me where with her he will have a big wedding and buy lots of gold and jewelry. tbh the girl deserves it anyway so inshallah she does have it. i dont mean bad for her. in addition he said he will go there for like couple of months a year and leaves me alone with kids. he doesnt even want me to stay with my dad while hes gone he wants me to be alone. Hes really happy im trying to stay positive but i find it very hard. i am 19 and the girl back home is also of similar age maybe 2 years older or younger. she looks older to me and my freinds but he insists she is younger than me i dont know why he wanted to make it out if she was younger and better than me. now i feel old ugly and useless. hes around 25 or 26

        i did ask him on multiple occasions before we got married if he had someone back home already and he always said no and promised me i was the only girl he loved.

        He didnt say he would take a second wife. but he would make hits and then say ohhh im joking.

        At the start of my marriage he used to beat me and hit me a lot.He also broke 3 phones and a tv and 2 laptops. he has hit me with a metal pole. and has thrown tea on me. has dragged me to the floor and ripped my dress that i was wearing. he talks foul and says extremely disgusting a inappropriate things. he has also hit me in public 2 times. The reasons he would hit me is becuase of me not studying or not wanting to go to university. Asking him about if he had someone or if he would marry back home (before he told me) washing his clothes too much and us getting late to school. i would say i prefer the physically beating than the foul words and he makes me feel very low and disgusted with myself. but for a while he hasnt been getting angry and beating me. so im not sure if the fact that he was hiding the truth about the other girl was building pressure and making him lash out or that hes got used to me. i can be a little clumsy as well.

        There story was a love one as well they met at the mosque back home before he moved to the UK. he was teaching her quran and her name came up and they both looked at each other. they were also family friends and she would watch him from the window when he would be outside playing cricket. when they mothers used to meet they would also talk to each other. she told him that she liked him and also gave him a hug. there parents found out and things got serious. As they were family friends they sorted it out and got them engaged. they must of had a big celebration for this a well. then days after he left the country.

        his mother called and was saying that the visited the girl and had lots of fun and laughing and joking with her. he told me that the girl has higher capacity than me. as he asked yesterday if i was happy about this and i said im not happy but its okay ive accepted it and it is what it is. he said the girl would just say what you think is best. he often talks about how good and strong the people are there and it makes me feel low because i try my best. he said would you wait 5 years for me. again comparing because she has been engaged to him and is waiting for his return to get married. but theres a difference his family are happy and her family are happy they will have a nice beautiful wedding and she will live with her in laws who love her anyway. if he asked for me and my parents got us engaged and there relationship was good of course i would wait. shes lucky mashallah. he has a great respect for her and a great love for which is not the same for me. i think if he really loved me the would have wanted me to be happy and have a good relationship with my family and would have married me the right way. i could tell u much more on the topic but its all the same sort of thing

        my family is messy my mum and dad had me and my 2 brothers. when i was 9 my mum left my dad and left us with my dad and my grandma. i remember she used to come a see us and go and sometimes even stay but she didnt live with us. my dad tried his best to keep us together but my mum didn't want it. while she was married to my dad she had 2 affairs and would go to meet a guy with me and then tell me to tell my dad we were at her friends house. when my mum fully moved i went with her and was seperated from my brothers. my brothers hate her and i lived with her and didnt have a relationship with my dad brothers or grandma. we lived with this man and i called him dad and she also changed my surname from my dads to his. she also had a baby boy with him and then they had the islamic marriage as my dad was not giving my mum the khula. she said she was never happy with my dad and did not love him, she said she was forced to marry him. my stepdad was nice but overly nice he would want me to sit in his lap give him hugs and kisses and he would often act inappropriately with me infront of my mum and she wouldnt mind it. i remember once her undid mmy bra when i was in the kitchen and i found it very weird but they were all like its a joke. with my dad the most he would do is pat my head and say daughter. since i got married my mum has cut me off and doesnt wanna know me. but i speak to my real dad almost everyday and i also now talk to my grandma and brothers. my grandma and brothers do not know im married they think im living with my mum.

        im in a place now where i feel like ive always been an outsider. my mum started a new life with my stepdad had 2 boys and is also pregnant. she has no relationship with me or my 2 brothers. with my dad i havent had a relationship in so long so i feel like not close and i feel guilt as i should have suppoerted my dad and looked after him and my grandma and borthers i should have taken responsibilty made food and clean as i was the only girl. my grandma is 83 and is alone with men in the house she need a women to look after he and to just talk to, i feel like ive let everyone down. I left my 2 step borther the oldest who was 3 and wo was extemly close to me we would sleep together i would bath him feed him and he was my world if i was gone for even a sort time he would ask where i am. then with my husband im a second wife separate from his family and his life. im sort of alone. my husband told me not to say anything about this to anyone saying its a secret. he said i want your dad to like me and he will not like me if he knows my truth. my dad doesn't like him now anyway.

        recently i have become very self conscious i feel very ugly and that my body is weird. i am 5ft 6 and my husband is also same height. i feel as if im too tall and the guy should be taller. he makes jokes about my nose and now i feel like its too big and ugly. he says i have long long hands and arms even though im a size 8 to 10 uk and the arms fit fine on me. my feet look weird to me and i dont know whats wrong. i dont look the same as i did before i got married. i often think of her comparing every single thing about me with her and shes better in everything and this makes me feel very low. he made me start comparing as he always speaks of her higher than me. and its hurts because im trying. wallah im trying soo hard. im tired i have because very exhusted of all this. Being married has bought me closer to allah and i am trying to become a better muslim and trying to get rid of any negative feelings. i dont feel jealous and im not a very jealous person and i dont wish bad on her either. im just very very hurt
      • I do not know of anyone who i could get to speak to him. the biggest problem is he thinks he is right in all this

        this man has made me feel so low but at the same time has bought me closer to my real dad and grandma. he has increased my Islamic knowledge and i see myself as a better person. i no longer have to lie or hide anything, we pray together and i love him to pieces. if it was not for these very big things that he has done for me i would have left. But i have a great respect and love for him.

        i have sent this message above to a few sisters at the start of this year. the sisters on here gave me good advice and also all of them warned me and told me to get help. just after Ramadan this year i got pregnant. i was really happy when i found out i was pregnant and he seemed to be too. during the time married to him he got full access on my student money and used almost all of it. from what i am aware of now he sent around 3000 pounds to him family in afg. used about 1200 on a scooter and used to withdraw around 300 pounds every week at least. the 9k maintance loan that i recieved he used. the whole 9 months i was with him he only used his money for food shopping and small things he was also working and sent his money to his family.
      i was also told by my family that he does black magic and i remember him showing me a box with my hair in it. he also had a doll in his house which he told me belonged to the pervious home owner. i found it weird that he kept it however never saw it again. after i left home in end of 2019 and came to his place i saw i ball of hair on top of the boiler i remember asking him to throw it away and he did but after that i completely forgot about it. on his arm he also had my initial witch he did by engraving my initial with a hot knife. for some reason i never belived them and still dont sometimes. but the fact that i cant get him out of my head after all is what is confusing.

      i got in contact with my mum in early september told my mum everything and she got me. my family made me go to the police and tell them about the violence as well as the physical and financial abuse. the got arrested twice and was released due to lack of evidence. i got a restraining order and now he is contesting it. my family left me with no other choice but to get an abortion i was around 16 to 18 weeks. i had no choice as no one in my extended family or our community was aware and if they found out i had a child it would be a big dishonor. in addition he would try to take the child away from me and send it to afg and i would never see it again. it would have meant having permanent ties with him. i really didnt want to end the pregnancy and it breaks me everyday.

      i was living with my mum and stepdad and by little brothers. around a month ago my grandma got really ill and passed away. since my grandma passed im at my dads house with my full brothers who are around my age. my brothers and dad are aware of everything.

      im sorry if this was vey long i just need help and advice my family have been really supportive and dont bring it up or talk about it and im doing uni online and trying to get on with life. the nikkah was not wriiten so there was no evidence but the iman he did our nikah did remember us and knew him as he goes to the mosque. he just gave me a khula divorce after my mum explained the situation. i dont know if that can even be done. but my husband or ex husband knows that im with my family. he doesnt know about the abortion. not one person ever liked him or thought he was a good man thats why they rejected him at the beginning. he lied to me about having a wife in afganistan had pictures of girls on his phone had girls calling him and messeging him. he used to leave me alone all day and night, he only came to eat and sleep he would claim to be at work or with freinds till 5 in the morning. he is very violent and beat me badly on many occations. on eid al fitr he gave me a black eye and when speaking to his family in the moring showed them, they seemed to be angry but i dont know. he then left and didnt come back till late night. he also used all my student money and sent it to his family. despite all this he used to pray and read quran really well he watched all the islamic videos on youtube and would also tell me about religion. i was a good wife i looked after him respected him and didnt annoy him. can someone help me becuase i dont know why i still love him. i imagine his voice and think about him. part of me even wants to get in contact but i know he is bad so why do i still love him.

  • #2
    Allah is most forgiving and merciful

    Never forget that his mercy far exceeds anything that we can comprehend.

    You still think about him because you've spent alot of time with him even if it wasn't always great and you've always had a difficult life - you don't love him as .much as you love the idea of him and what he represented in your life all you need is a replacement and soon he'll be forgotten like a vague memory in the past.
    Treat people like rivers always moving where the current takes them. Follow your heart towards good and don't let other people stop you from doing that

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    • #3
      salam alaykum wa rahmat allah
      while i was reading the begining of your post i knew that if you marry this guy it going to be a disaster . the man is not stable at all i advice you to divorce him as soon as you can before he kills you and go live with your father .study islam and raise your children properly on the teaching of islam dont repeat the mistake you parents dont focus on materialistic side when raising your children like buying them clothes taking them to doctor while neglecting the most important part wich is raising them to be a good muslims.
      for sisters reading this you should learn from her experience you all need to understand that men dont look the same way you look at them while you might have innocent intention of marriage or feelings of love men will only think of consuming you and moving on once they get bored the only exception is the man who knocks on the door of your family and ask your father for your hand .and even if a man proposed you should still make sure that he maintain all hes daily fard prayers on the masjid on time especialy fajr and if he dosent be sure that he will waste your rights just like he wasted hes prayer if someone dosent give allah subhanahu wa talaa hes right of being worshiping he for sure wont give anyone hes rights

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      • #4
        It's called ego. By blaming it on "love" you don't have to admit to yourself the truth. It's not uncommon and many women in similar situations getting brutalised, humiliated and abused will use the same "but I love him" excuse.

        He was just a guy on the bus who paid you some attention. Some on here will paint him out to be some kind of machiavellian evil genius who duped you, but the fact is it was all there in front of you. You need to take ownership of everything that transpired and just admit to yourself all the huge blunders and mistakes you made by getting involved with such a damaged individual, learn from them and move on.

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