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Help me understand repentance, im confused about it.

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  • Help me understand repentance, im confused about it.

    I see this word a lot whenever people discuss certain topics about their past. Its a common word i see whenever i see those threads about zina and virginity and etc. Most of the time i just assumed that it meant that you asked Allah forgiveness and that's it.

    During December i decided that i wanted to become a more practicing Muslim. Before i was always a cultural Muslim, who just stayed away from major sins. A big thing that factor in this decision was during December. I was honestly really interested in starting a relationship with another women, but i felt that i shouldn't since i was muslim and it was haram. So i backed away and just in general stopped talking to the woman. Luckily she understood my decision and left me alone. But after i did that a few days later i started to question myself. I was never fully really practicing. A majority of the 20 years of my life i was a cultural muslim. I wasn't praying five times a day, i wasn't reading the quran often. I was usually praying usually a few times a week including friday prayer. i was a good practicing muslim during Ramadan but after Ramadan i went back to my usual self. After thinking and questioning myself for a couple of days. i decide that i wanted to start actually being a practicing Muslim.

    after making that decision, i had a couple of questions i wanted to ask a sheikh or an imam but the ones at my local mosque were always busy whenever i went to the mosque. so i found this website and decided to ask everyone here my questions. Most of my questions had too do with marriage, being a virgin and what not, so i was able to actually find similar threads that spoke about this stuff. I was really happy at first but i noticed something especially whenever i was going through the threads regarding zina and virginity.

    when i first joined I basically learned that most people who did commit zina repented after they did it. i saw that word a lot whenever a someone had a past of committing zina. the fact they repented was usually shown in that thread. there are numerous threads that i read regarding having preferences for a virgin husband/wife. common responses i have seen "were to never ask questions about virginity", "past is the past" "A women shouldn't answer because her reputation could be slandered". after seeing all those responses i was oh well then being a virgin before marriage isn't really necessary anymore.

    After reading about that i was just confused. I was questioning my entire life up until that point. All my life i stayed away from women, not engaging in relationships, and committing zina, because i thought i was going to commit a terrible sin, that i was going to be a bad muslim. Than i started thinking well now i can go have sex and just repent after wards. everything will be fine after that. I was thinking of this for an entire week after reading through a couple of threads.

    Everyone knows what is haram. especially zina. But people still do these sins. And all they have to do afterwards is repent?. Is that it.? so i can go have some sex right now and just repent afterwards.

    Most of my life i thought virginity was a very important part of islam. I literally thought men who had commited zina were considered undesirable when it came to finding a wife. But now after reading through threads it seems like most women don't really care about it that much atleast from what i have seen. Dudes are still getting married. I haven't seen any threads on brothers who committed zina having a rough time finding a wife. For women its different. Since man slut shame women a lot, many women who do have a past filled with zina usually keep quiet or just lie about their past to a potential, because a man might deny that women if he found out about her past. Double standards are crazy here.


    it honestly looks like being a virgin isn't important anymore. That i can just go have some pre marital sex, repent and live the rest of my life as a practicing muslim.

    I don't plan on doing anything that i mentioned above. These were my thoughts the first week i ever joined this forum. But i originally decided to be a better practicing muslim, so i am still saving myself for marriage.

  • #2
    Allah only forgives people who are sincere. You can't just go have sex and think that if you pray to Allah to forgive you then he will. You need to genuinely mean it . We only say don't worry about peoples pasts if the people genuinely changed and will never do it again .

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    • #3
      Originally posted by aelmo View Post
      Allah only forgives people who are sincere. You can't just go have sex and think that if you pray to Allah to forgive you then he will. You need to genuinely mean it . We only say don't worry about peoples pasts if the people genuinely changed and will never do it again .
      whats bothered me though for the longest was that some people deemed it was inappropriate to ask about someone's past. especially in regards to asking about virginity. Since someone could have truly repented they wouldn't have to speak about those sins ever again, they could just completly hide it, even from people they were planning on marrying.

      It seems pretty scary going into a marriage assuming that your potential is a chaste like yourself but then you end up finding out that they weren't afterwards. of course virginity should be the only reason you marry someone,that's why i brought up chastisty because there are muslim brothers and sister who do everything the right way. But finding out the person you considered chaste wasn't chaste at all is scary.

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      • #4
        What i gathered is that no one has the right to ask you if you are a virgin. No one. if a potential ask you that question than you can just reject them right then and there.

        So is being a virgin even necessary anymore? As long as you truly repent and change your ways for good.

        i seriously thought being a non virgin was a huge disqualifier when it came to marriage.

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        • #5
          Just let them know politely that you want someone who has been chaste their whole life. No need to ask them if they did anything.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
            Just let them know politely that you want someone who has been chaste their whole life. No need to ask them if they did anything.
            yea i learned this from a few threads. But if this is what i was thinking then i know for a fact i wasn't the only brother who was having thoughts like this. Cause with the way i interpreted everything it just seemed like i can have a crazy past but just repent afterwards and everything would be fine.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Luffy1997 View Post

              whats bothered me though for the longest was that some people deemed it was inappropriate to ask about someone's past. especially in regards to asking about virginity. Since someone could have truly repented they wouldn't have to speak about those sins ever again, they could just completly hide it, even from people they were planning on marrying.

              It seems pretty scary going into a marriage assuming that your potential is a chaste like yourself but then you end up finding out that they weren't afterwards. of course virginity should be the only reason you marry someone,that's why i brought up chastisty because there are muslim brothers and sister who do everything the right way. But finding out the person you considered chaste wasn't chaste at all is scary.
              Just judge these things based on the person that is in front of you. If they seem like they don't care about religion, and have done it all and don't feel sorry about it, then don't be with them. But if you meet someone who seems very genuine about religion and changing then don't go around asking about her, because that will make you see her in a way that she isn't in the present. If you care about someones past and don't care about if they repented or not then do as stoic believer said and imply that you want someone who was chaste their whole life.

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              • #8
                Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah. Bismillah, walhamdulillah, wassalatu wassalamu ala rasulillah. Congratulations. Narrated Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Whoever takes a path upon which to obtain knowledge, Allah makes the path to Paradise easy for him." Dear Brother. During the life of Our Beloved Prophet (ﷺ), He had a total of 11 wives. None of them were virgins, except for one of them, `Aisha (R). Sinning (i.e. zina) causes distance between us and Allah (SWT). And distancing us from Allah (SWT) doesn't bring joy nor happiness. Repentance (tawbah) is turning back to Allah (SWT), regretting what you have done. Tawbah (repentance) comes from the heart, not from the tongue. A man that has an intention of commiting a sin, and then making tawbah, is that sincere tawbah? Tawbah has to be a sincere act in order to be accepted. Congratulations, Dear Brother, and may Allah (SWT) KEEP you on Siratal-Mustaqim. The more "up", or "straight" you go, the more you will SEE, and understand. Jazakallahu Khairan.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Luffy1997 View Post

                  yea i learned this from a few threads. But if this is what i was thinking then i know for a fact i wasn't the only brother who was having thoughts like this. Cause with the way i interpreted everything it just seemed like i can have a crazy past but just repent afterwards and everything would be fine.
                  Do you know how many people go astray thinking they'll repent later

                  this isn't just about you being able to get married with a past what about your hereafter

                  if the angel of death comes for you while your drunk in a motel room with some trashy girl do you think he'll accept I was going to repent later

                  the graves are full of people who thought they would practice Islam when they were old
                  Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. It takes courage for a person to listen to his own goodness and act on it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Saadeh View Post
                    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah. Bismillah, walhamdulillah, wassalatu wassalamu ala rasulillah. Congratulations. Narrated Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Whoever takes a path upon which to obtain knowledge, Allah makes the path to Paradise easy for him." Dear Brother. During the life of Our Beloved Prophet (ﷺ), He had a total of 11 wives. None of them were virgins, except for one of them, `Aisha (R). Sinning (i.e. zina) causes distance between us and Allah (SWT). And distancing us from Allah (SWT) doesn't bring joy nor happiness. Repentance (tawbah) is turning back to Allah (SWT), regretting what you have done. Tawbah (repentance) comes from the heart, not from the tongue. A man that has an intention of commiting a sin, and then making tawbah, is that sincere tawbah? Tawbah has to be a sincere act in order to be accepted. Congratulations, Dear Brother, and may Allah (SWT) KEEP you on Siratal-Mustaqim. The more "up", or "straight" you go, the more you will SEE, and understand. Jazakallahu Khairan.
                    Thank you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by eesa the kiwi View Post

                      Do you know how many people go astray thinking they'll repent later

                      this isn't just about you being able to get married with a past what about your hereafter

                      if the angel of death comes for you while your drunk in a motel room with some trashy girl do you think he'll accept I was going to repent later

                      the graves are full of people who thought they would practice Islam when they were old
                      Well said. I definitely don't want to be one of those

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by eesa the kiwi View Post
                        the graves are full of people who thought they would practice Islam when they were old
                        This gave me goosebumps.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Asmaa19 View Post

                          This gave me goosebumps.
                          My mother told me something similar to this once. Scared me when I was a kid

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                          • #14
                            Committing a sin while planning to repent later is one of the ways the heart becomes corrupt.
                            Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? And let them not be like those who were given the Scripture before, and a long period passed over them, so their hearts hardened; and many of them are defiantly disobedient. (57:16)

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                            • #15
                              The most important thing is to think about yourself first. ''Allah has forbidden Zina, have I followed His command''? If yes, then thank Allah for His guidance & pray for steadfastness. The fact that Allah has opened doors of mercy to a fornicator does not in anyway undermine your religiosity. I hope the following hadith will answer your enquiry:



                              ليتني أموت على ما ماتت عليه عجائز نيسابور

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