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  • Choosing a Mate


    Choosing a Mate

    By Sister Safiyyah Yufenu


    Discussions with a close friend were once dominated by her excitement and continuous expressions that she wanted to get married. She told me she had a brother in mind that captivated her with his charm, intelligence, and handsome looks. She said that he was interested in her as well. She spoke about many things about him, but none of what she knew of real substance. To help her think through her quest for marriage, I reminded her about the importance of practicing patience when choosing a mate. However in haste, she drove an emotional whirlwind full of infatuation and excitable hormones straight into the marriage.

    They were not so lucky. Within eight months the marriage was over. Incompatibilities in their practice of Islam, their cultures, and their life goals were key factors in doom of the marriage.





    Because marriage in Islam is so significant, it is important to devote quality time and consideration in choosing the person in which you will spend the rest of your life. Oftentimes, intended couples spend more time planning the wedding ceremony than pre-marital planning. However, more time should be spent getting to know your potential mate. This article will provide basic guidelines that woman should follow when choosing a husband.

    DEVELOP FOUNDATION







    PRACTICE PROPER ETIQUETTE




    When speaking to their potential mate, women should speak in a straightforward manner. Avoid flirtation and any sexually-oriented discussion. Instead, discussion should remain casual and include topics relevant to the pursuit of marriage. Discovering common interests, understanding financial situations, sharing parental techniques and relating to in-laws are examples of allowed topics of discussion. If and when it becomes evident that the potential marriage couple is not compatible, the discussions should end.

    CONSIDER RELIGIOUS COMPATIBILITY


    DISCUSS EXPECTATIONS


    TALK TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS
    Learn about your potential spouse by talking to his family and friends. By doing this you will gain an understanding about his character. Talk to people who know him outside of his family. Ask questions about his manner and how he treats people. Find out about his temperament on various issues. What kinds of activities does he involve him self with in the community? What are his immediate and long term plans? Find out his level of tolerance and accommodation for people different from him. How does he relate to his parents and members of the opposite sex? If he has children, how does he relate to them? Research his character and personality by talking to people that know him.



    LISTEN CLOSELY TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
    Find out why is interested in marrying you. Determine whether or not he is in solely interested in you or if his intentions are superficial. For example, does he want to get married because of all his friends are getting married? Determine if he is genuine, and seriously wants to marry you because he is in love.

    ASK PERSONAL QUESTIONS


    OBSERVE HIM
    Attend community and social activities that he will also attend. Vary the situations and observe him to see how he interacts with people in different settings at different times.

    PONDER THE LONG-TERM


    KNOW YOUR NEEDS


    BE PATIENT


    THINK FOR YOURSELF


    GO WITH YOUR HEART


    My personal experience in choosing a husband was unique because I was extremely particular. I was more particular than my Wali. When making Salah (the five daily prayers), I would ask Allah to grant me a husband that met my list of 44 marital expectations. I considered the list a prescription for a healthy marriage. Although my intended thought my list was somewhat over the top, he agreed to all 44 conditions. We have been married for three years and counting. In fact, we got married three times-first Islamically, second civilly, and third with family and friends present at the Walimah (marriage feast). Alhamdulilah!



    And Allah knows best

    Subhankallahuma wa bihamdika Ashadu ana ilahailla anta Astagfiruka wa'atuubuileika
    FREE Islaamic Courses at:

  • #2
    Re: Choosing a Mate

    What has the world come to?

    Bilal Al Habashi RA went with another sahaabi to propose to some womens parents, for him and his friend, They went and said "If you give them to us, then all praise belongs to Allah, and if you dont, then Allahu Akbar"

    I understand where you are coming from sister, but sometimes, a brother/sister look for all 44 points but end up finding out that not one of the guys/women they've looked into have them, so they're 30 years old, sexually frustrated, feeling lonely, longing for a child, and find it even harder to find a spouse because everyones looking for a younger model, due to the hadith on marrying young virgins or what not.
    (But I, I hasten to add, am not from that category)
    I think, you should get married to whomever you feel is pious, you feel attracted to, and will be a good mother/father to your children.
    There is rest only in the aakhira.
    Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

    - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -

    If you find yourself in a time where speech is regarded as knowledge,
    and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
    then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.

    - Abu Hazim Al Ashja'i (ra) -

    I saw a dog without any clothes on .
    That's right, a nude dog.
    The Deepweb is disgusting.
    - Unknown -


    Links
    The Middle Road - At-Tanzil - Hifz Thread - Muslim Healthy Living
    Inheritors of Qur'aan

    Download Links




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    • #3
      Re: Choosing a Mate

      [QUOTE=1mran]They were not so lucky. Within eight months the marriage was over. Incompatibilities in their practice of Islam, their cultures, and their life goals were key factors in doom of the marriage.[QUOTE]

      heres the issue nothing else except that they did not both adhere to Quran and sunnah as agreed upon by the companions, there is no difference of opinion on what is Islamic practice in marriage, and most of the problems come when peoples hawaa (desires) get in the way, they refuse to live by the rights of one another, for example telling your wife/husband i dont want to u to have children/another wife/we need to save some money/you have to live with my parents and brothers, and rubbish like this, and even worse if they bring more of their "cultural" stuff to the table.

      We are muslims and our culture is Islam, there is nothing in Islam about "marrying your own kind" "marry only your own age group" "marry only virgins" in fact it is the opposite. Islam encomapasses every single part of our life, everything from speaking, manners, having children, taking care of the family, even to how we take a shower,use the bathroom, or brush our teeth, nothing has been left out so apart from a different langauge or different foodstuffs that we eat there is no other "cultural stuff" even getting married we know how to do this islamically, within the limits of Islam and we dont need to bring a load of cutural stuff to the wedding day. I really cannot undertstand how many born muslims justify this type of behaviour.

      when i became a muslim as a westerner i gave up all my cultural ideas,every single one of them, and I embraced and learnt and lived by my Islamic culture, from the way i dress, speak, conduct my buisness, i embraced poligamy and hoped that if i married my husband will marry and take care of my sisters in Islam too, even the way i eat my food has changed, as the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa sunnah advises me to do, so why can born muslims not do the same? why do they insist on bringing their "culture" to a marriage which should be Islamic culture anyway? most of what the ideas of culture that i have seen from born muslims is very peculiar to Islamic values, and originates from jahiliyah times.

      For example "cant marry a divorcee" "cant marry an older woman" "cant marry a woman if shes been married before and u havent" "cant marry a woman who has children" "its not good to have female children,males are more of an honour to the family" "i cant marry someone of a different caste/race/financial position" where do they get these ideas from!? they are so worried about what people in general or their families, or their boss etc will think, that they end up missing out on the many blessings that all the above brings, firstly and most importantly in terms of pleasing Allah ta ala and seeking his reward in good deeds, helping societies ills, and being an example for our children the future of this ummah.

      Islam does not dictate any of these things, it allows all of the above , there is nothing wrong or strange with any of it, but people have turned these strange ideas almost into "islamic obligations " under the guise of "their culture" Marriage cannot fail to work when each of the spouses is only busy in pleasing Allah ta ala, because even if a man doesnt like his wife he has to treat her well and be sweet to her, even if a man divorces his wife he has to treat her well and fear Allah while they live under the same roof during the iddah, even if a woman dislikes her husband she shouldnt hurt his feelings about what it is she dislikes in him, and if a man dislikes something in his wife he better fear Allah and find another 3 things he does like, and not start trying to break her by "straightening her out" (as per hadith of the bended rib). if all else fails there is divorce perfectly permissible as a solution if u fear falling into serious issues. And even then all done on the best terms how can we fail to suceed when we live by such rules? Our life goals should all be the same to live and die as muslims fearing Allah ta ala nothing more nothing less.

      as the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said , Islam began as strange and will endup as something strange give glad tidings (of jannah) to the strangers.

      May Allah guide us all to follow the example of the best of mankind Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam,amin.

      and well said bro jibril, jazakAllahu khair amin
      Last edited by *asiya*; 07-08-06, 03:33 PM.
      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

      The Prophet :saw: said:

      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

      muslim

      Narrated 'Abdullah:

      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Choosing a Mate

        Jazaka'Allaahu khayrn sister, you made some excellent points.

        Here are some Qualities based on Aahadeeth:

        For Females:



        'The Quest of Love and Mercy' by Dr. Muhammad al-jibaly

        What i wanted you to note is that the hadeeth are all general. When the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, [Recorded by at-Tabarani and al-Hakim. Verified to be hasan by Sheikh al-Albaanee (as-Saheehah no. 625]


        and Allaah knows best


        FREE Islaamic Courses at:

        Comment


        • #5
          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

          The Prophet :saw: said:

          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

          muslim

          Narrated 'Abdullah:

          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

          Comment

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