Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Marriage to a convert and My mother

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Marriage to a convert and My mother

    Assalam u alaikum,
    I am here to share a problem to which I really don’t know how to handle. About 7 years ago I met a girl and she was non-muslim and I knew I liked her a lot so I asked her if she would be willing to convert otherwise we will not be able to be together. She read about Islam and said she would convert. I knew that once she converts it would be very hard on her family and I wanted to marry her. I shared this with my parents and they both said no. I tried to convince them for 6 months shared how I feel about her and how she is converted already and I want to marry her now. They did not agree and never wanted to meet her.
    At this time her parents started looking for guys in her religion to marry and the pressure was building. So I married her without my parents being there. This made them very upset but I apologized. I didn’t know who I could turn to. Further I was told that if I wanted to be with her then I would have to keep her outside as she was not allowed in my house and my parents would never accept her.
    Me and my wife started to live on our own. We are very happy mashallah but over the years I have always tried to convince my parents to meet her and talk to her so they can get to know her. My dad is refuse to ever meet her and has never talked to my wife of 7 years now. My mother every time I talk to her says that she is not a good muslim and the only way she will talk to her is if she leaves her parents. She then went on to say that she is a kafir even though my wife has converted. When ever I call my mother to talk to her we always end up fighting because she would call my wife names and swear words that degrades her and when I asked her to stop she doesn’t which then results in a fight and her not talking to me. I have been trying to 7 years now and feel totally lost. The last time I spoke to my mother she said the only way she will be happy is if I leave my wife because she is the problem. she thinks that I have moved away from my deen because of my wife. They have never spent even a day with her to know what she is like.
    Now I am being blamed for leaving the parents. Not caring about them even thought I am the one who always calls them in the seven years I have been married they have never called me to ask how I am doing when will I come to see them. I have always made the effort and will continue but I feel like nothing is enough. I Just want to know if there is something that I am missing or what I can do to fix it. I have talked to my sisters and all they say is she is our mother you should talk to her and spend time with her. How do you spend time with someone who doesn’t accept the biggest part of your life. Who never call you to ask you how are you. I asked them to come and stay with me even come and visit when I bought a new house but they refused and said they would never come as long as my wife is there. My sisters also blame me and say that I have not done enough as being the only son and I have left them ( my parents). However I feel like I have been trying since 7 years to make them a part of my happiness and they keep pushing me away.
    Please help
    Thank you in advance for all the help

    #2
    Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

    Tl;dr: He met a non-Muslim woman years ago, asked her to convert, and he married her against his parents’ wishes. Now, 7 years later, the parents still don’t accept her. What can he do?

    OP, I would suggest not pushing a relationship with your wife onto your parents. You can still love them and be involved in their life without them wanting to hang out with your wife. It’s hard, but they said from the beginning that they wouldn’t accept her. Keep ties and do what you can for them. One day, maybe they will want a relationship with your wife.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

      thank you. I do realize that they do not want to meet her and I have stopped even mentioning her name when ever I am around my parents but there are times when things are said such as when I bought my new home and I wanted my parents to come and visit me my mother said she will not come to visit the bitch ( my wifes) home. i told her to please if you don't like her to not talk about her and at least not disrespect her. because of these situations there have been alot of disagreements and no matter what I do it ends up bad.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

        Well you knew this will happen, so you have to live with the consequences.
        Do not try anymore, for you have tried enough. Play bit of reverse psychology.
        Stop talking to them about your wife altogether. If your sisters talk to you, tell them, this topic is not to be discussed. Visit them if there is a need, a gathering, a marriage etc, without your wife. Call them every now and then just to keep in touch. You might need to do it for years, before they might get interested to know about her and be involved in your life.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

          Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
          thank you. I do realize that they do not want to meet her and I have stopped even mentioning her name when ever I am around my parents but there are times when things are said such as when I bought my new home and I wanted my parents to come and visit me my mother said she will not come to visit the bitch ( my wifes) home. i told her to please if you don't like her to not talk about her and at least not disrespect her. because of these situations there have been alot of disagreements and no matter what I do it ends up bad.
          Work on setting boundaries. Do this in an assertive but not aggressive way. Make it clear what you will accept behavior-wise, on your own terms. If cursing is a limit, make that be known; that you love them and will always be there for them, but when cursing begins, the conversation ends. Stick to what you say you will do, assert your boundaries. Keep at it, over and over. It doesn’t require raising voice or being harsh, just again make it clear what you are willing to accept. If they don’t want to visit, that is their choice. You cannot force them to interact, and you cannot change other people. What you can do is control how you react to those around you.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

            Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post
            Work on setting boundaries. Do this in an assertive but not aggressive way. Make it clear what you will accept behavior-wise, on your own terms. If cursing is a limit, make that be known; that you love them and will always be there for them, but when cursing begins, the conversation ends. Stick to what you say you will do, assert your boundaries. Keep at it, over and over. It doesn’t require raising voice or being harsh, just again make it clear what you are willing to accept. If they don’t want to visit, that is their choice. You cannot force them to interact, and you cannot change other people. What you can do is control how you react to those around you.
            This


            Also, maybe kids arrivals ( if u want any) can soften their hearts and they change their minds towards your wife .. usually this work with grandparents .

            May Allah make it easy on u
            How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

              Walaykum salam,

              you're being way too soft with your parents. Respecting your parents doesn't mean becoming a doormat and accepting abuse. You need to set boundaries with them. Say to them you will fulfil your duties as a son by keeping ties but that doesn't give them the right to be abusive. At first they will protest and curse about it, but what you do is, every time they call your wife a bad name, you hang up the phone or leave their house so that they know the line is drawn and you wont put up with it... and I mean put the phone down or walk out instantly- don't wait to finish your meal or that sort of thing. If they persist in being abusive then stop visiting them altogether and stop calling them. Send them a letter or a card that says you're still my parents and I will always love you but that doesn't mean I wont tolerate disrespect of my household and my wife is part of my household every bit as much as mum is part of dad's household. I have always been the one to keep ties, to call and stay in touch, even tolerate malicious and disrespectful language for a long time, but now it's your turn. If you want to keep ties then you know my phone number and my door is open to you- it is now up to you whether you want to be a part of my life or not. Then stick with that and again if they get in touch, don't tolerate any bad language from them

              At this point, I strongly suggest regular ruqya over your home, be regular in your prayers and so on because your wife and marriage could potentially become a target for sihr and that sort of thing so you need to be protective, be wary of strange gifts and so on. you have to be prepared to take a stand, draw a line and stick with it consistently. In the meantime you can stay in touch with your sisters or other family to keep tabs on how your family are doing. My guess is your parents will cry and tell the whole community that you're the worst son in the world and you've "abandoned" them in their old age because of your "bitch" wife so be careful of the consequences of such a big step as it could mean that the community will treat you differently too and you may have to consider moving out of town if they make the situation untenable, but that's only in the most extreme circumstance.

              Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
              thank you. I do realize that they do not want to meet her and I have stopped even mentioning her name when ever I am around my parents but there are times when things are said such as when I bought my new home and I wanted my parents to come and visit me my mother said she will not come to visit the bitch ( my wifes) home. i told her to please if you don't like her to not talk about her and at least not disrespect her. because of these situations there have been alot of disagreements and no matter what I do it ends up bad.
              The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                Thank you everyone who has taken the time to read and give advise. I will try my best in being fair to my parents and my wife. I am already being blamed for abandoning them... I have asked for them to please respect my wife and if they can't just not say anything about her but my mother still does and starts hating her more. i have been told by my sisters that the parents are the most important and that i should just ignore the insults that my mother says still talk to her like nothing has happened which is what i am struggling with. InshAllah it gets better
                Last edited by newconvert789; 09-11-17, 07:11 PM.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                  Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
                  Thank you everyone who has taken the time to read and give advise. I will try my best in being fair to my parents and my wife. I am already being blamed for abandoning them... I have asked for them to please respect my wife and if they can't just not say anything about her but my mother still does and starts hating her more. i have been told by my sisters that the parents are the most important and that i should just ignore the insults that my mother says still talk to her like nothing has happened which is what i am struggling with. InshAllah it gets better
                  You see, everything you have written is about someone else - your mother, your sisters, your parents, your wife. This is about YOU. You decide who is in your life and how you will accept to be treated. You make the rules and let the others know what they are, and then THEY work within your parameters or they aren’t active participants in your everyday life. That is what the above posts are addressing. The only person who can take a stand and make that happen is you.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                    will remember that I think i just so badly wanted everything to get better that i didn't stop and just step back and let things happen. I always just thought maybe this time it will get better or if i did this then it can probably be better. but I am realizing now that i need to change how I am going to approach this

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                      I think you are trying too hard to have your cake and eat it. It's quite clear now that there will be no playing happy families between your wife and her in laws no matter what you say or do, no matter how nice you are to them, no matter how much you encourage her to overlook their insults. If you persist with things the way they are, it'll only increase the amount of resentment your parents have for your wife and eventually cause your wife to feel resentful that you're inconsiderate of her feelings that you sit by and let them talk about her like that in front of you all the time. You wont get the best of both worlds no matter what you do so you have to set clear boundaries yourself. Just remember that if your parents don't accept those boundaries then that's them taking themselves out of your life, not you abandoning them. They had a choice to be part of your life and to have a harmonious relationship with you and your wife and they chose to spit in the face of it for 7 years- how is that your fault?

                      Some say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well you've done the same thing going back to your parents over and over tolerating all the abuse and expecting a different outcome. Time to wake up and stop deluding yourself that "one day they'll realise...".

                      Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
                      will remember that I think i just so badly wanted everything to get better that i didn't stop and just step back and let things happen. I always just thought maybe this time it will get better or if i did this then it can probably be better. but I am realizing now that i need to change how I am going to approach this
                      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                        thanks I agree with you as well.. that is what i have been doing stepping back and watching to see how much my parents want to be in my life... at that point i was criticized so i wanted to actually get a unbiased opinion

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                          Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
                          Assalam u alaikum,
                          I am here to share a problem to which I really don’t know how to handle. About 7 years ago I met a girl and she was non-muslim and I knew I liked her a lot so I asked her if she would be willing to convert otherwise we will not be able to be together. She read about Islam and said she would convert. I knew that once she converts it would be very hard on her family and I wanted to marry her. I shared this with my parents and they both said no. I tried to convince them for 6 months shared how I feel about her and how she is converted already and I want to marry her now. They did not agree and never wanted to meet her.
                          At this time her parents started looking for guys in her religion to marry and the pressure was building. So I married her without my parents being there. This made them very upset but I apologized. I didn’t know who I could turn to. Further I was told that if I wanted to be with her then I would have to keep her outside as she was not allowed in my house and my parents would never accept her.
                          Me and my wife started to live on our own. We are very happy mashallah but over the years I have always tried to convince my parents to meet her and talk to her so they can get to know her. My dad is refuse to ever meet her and has never talked to my wife of 7 years now. My mother every time I talk to her says that she is not a good muslim and the only way she will talk to her is if she leaves her parents. She then went on to say that she is a kafir even though my wife has converted. When ever I call my mother to talk to her we always end up fighting because she would call my wife names and swear words that degrades her and when I asked her to stop she doesn’t which then results in a fight and her not talking to me. I have been trying to 7 years now and feel totally lost. The last time I spoke to my mother she said the only way she will be happy is if I leave my wife because she is the problem. she thinks that I have moved away from my deen because of my wife. They have never spent even a day with her to know what she is like.
                          Now I am being blamed for leaving the parents. Not caring about them even thought I am the one who always calls them in the seven years I have been married they have never called me to ask how I am doing when will I come to see them. I have always made the effort and will continue but I feel like nothing is enough. I Just want to know if there is something that I am missing or what I can do to fix it. I have talked to my sisters and all they say is she is our mother you should talk to her and spend time with her. How do you spend time with someone who doesn’t accept the biggest part of your life. Who never call you to ask you how are you. I asked them to come and stay with me even come and visit when I bought a new house but they refused and said they would never come as long as my wife is there. My sisters also blame me and say that I have not done enough as being the only son and I have left them ( my parents). However I feel like I have been trying since 7 years to make them a part of my happiness and they keep pushing me away.
                          Please help
                          Thank you in advance for all the help
                          Wa alaykumus salaam,

                          You seem torn between two different obligations, one is being a dutiful son and the other is being a good husband but in reality there is no contradiction here.

                          You be good to your parents, kind and loving as our deen teaches her, but at the same time defend your wife's honour in her absence as is your duty. The problem with doing so is your family have shown they will not accept that, so there is a cultural or personal barrier it seems to even being amicable but separate.

                          I can see two approaches to this problem.

                          1. The issues are in their understanding of the deen, so rather than confront the problem directly, look at how to change that cultural / personal misunderstanding of the deen, for example you said she called your wife a bitch, so rather than saying not to say that about your wife, spend some time working on showing them the daleel against foul language and backbiting without bringing up the context of your wife.

                          2. Whenever they start this evil speech, politely get up and walk away from them. You are not obliged to listen to profanity, nor is it dutiful to the parents or anyone else to stop with them whilst they do so.

                          Finally... I would make it clear your wife and any future kids come as a package, if they don't accept one there is no relationship with the other and you don't want your kids around people who might poison them against their mother or put a strain on that relationship.
                          FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                          www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                            Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                            This


                            Also, maybe kids arrivals ( if u want any) can soften their hearts and they change their minds towards your wife .. usually this work with grandparents .

                            May Allah make it easy on u
                            I've noticed that with revert marriages, when problems occur on either the Muslim or non-Muslim side, almost always when grand-kids arrive they soften up.

                            However as others have mentioned, he has to be firm and not let them have access to the grand kids if they are going to poison them against their mother, or use foul language, or do other evil acts around them.
                            FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                            www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                              Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
                              Wa alaykumus salaam,

                              You seem torn between two different obligations, one is being a dutiful son and the other is being a good husband but in reality there is no contradiction here.

                              You be good to your parents, kind and loving as our deen teaches her, but at the same time defend your wife's honour in her absence as is your duty. The problem with doing so is your family have shown they will not accept that, so there is a cultural or personal barrier it seems to even being amicable but separate.

                              I can see two approaches to this problem.

                              1. The issues are in their understanding of the deen, so rather than confront the problem directly, look at how to change that cultural / personal misunderstanding of the deen, for example you said she called your wife a bitch, so rather than saying not to say that about your wife, spend some time working on showing them the daleel against foul language and backbiting without bringing up the context of your wife.

                              2. Whenever they start this evil speech, politely get up and walk away from them. You are not obliged to listen to profanity, nor is it dutiful to the parents or anyone else to stop with them whilst they do so.

                              Finally... I would make it clear your wife and any future kids come as a package, if they don't accept one there is no relationship with the other and you don't want your kids around people who might poison them against their mother or put a strain on that relationship.
                              This

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X