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Marriage to a convert and My mother

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    #16
    Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

    Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
    Assalam u alaikum,
    I am here to share a problem to which I really don’t know how to handle. About 7 years ago I met a girl and she was non-muslim and I knew I liked her a lot so I asked her if she would be willing to convert otherwise we will not be able to be together. She read about Islam and said she would convert. I knew that once she converts it would be very hard on her family and I wanted to marry her. I shared this with my parents and they both said no. I tried to convince them for 6 months shared how I feel about her and how she is converted already and I want to marry her now. They did not agree and never wanted to meet her.
    At this time her parents started looking for guys in her religion to marry and the pressure was building. So I married her without my parents being there. This made them very upset but I apologized. I didn’t know who I could turn to. Further I was told that if I wanted to be with her then I would have to keep her outside as she was not allowed in my house and my parents would never accept her.
    Me and my wife started to live on our own. We are very happy mashallah but over the years I have always tried to convince my parents to meet her and talk to her so they can get to know her. My dad is refuse to ever meet her and has never talked to my wife of 7 years now. My mother every time I talk to her says that she is not a good muslim and the only way she will talk to her is if she leaves her parents. She then went on to say that she is a kafir even though my wife has converted. When ever I call my mother to talk to her we always end up fighting because she would call my wife names and swear words that degrades her and when I asked her to stop she doesn’t which then results in a fight and her not talking to me. I have been trying to 7 years now and feel totally lost. The last time I spoke to my mother she said the only way she will be happy is if I leave my wife because she is the problem. she thinks that I have moved away from my deen because of my wife. They have never spent even a day with her to know what she is like.
    Now I am being blamed for leaving the parents. Not caring about them even thought I am the one who always calls them in the seven years I have been married they have never called me to ask how I am doing when will I come to see them. I have always made the effort and will continue but I feel like nothing is enough. I Just want to know if there is something that I am missing or what I can do to fix it. I have talked to my sisters and all they say is she is our mother you should talk to her and spend time with her. How do you spend time with someone who doesn’t accept the biggest part of your life. Who never call you to ask you how are you. I asked them to come and stay with me even come and visit when I bought a new house but they refused and said they would never come as long as my wife is there. My sisters also blame me and say that I have not done enough as being the only son and I have left them ( my parents). However I feel like I have been trying since 7 years to make them a part of my happiness and they keep pushing me away.
    Please help
    Thank you in advance for all the help
    Wa-alaikum Salaam

    You not the only one going through this there are many men from all races and relihions in smmUe/similiar boat.

    I must firstly ask, do you visit your folks even though they dont visit you?

    If not, than, you are showng them that your wife has taken you away from them.

    You must be a better Muslim and keep better ties even though you are living with your wife. This will show that she hasnt corrupted you.

    You mum is hurting hence she is reacting this way. She feels that after all the years of bringing you up and taking care of this women has taken you away.

    You need to she her that it is not the case.

    you wife has rights and so fo your faily and kids.

    Each one doesnt cancel the other.

    If your family doesnt want to interact with your wife that's their choice. but, that doesnt absolve of taking care of your pareants and keeping ties with your relatives.

    you can have a decent family and still keep contact with you family. Infact in some cases it is better and saves a lot of fitnah etc.

    The first step is to show your mum that you do love her and you still care for her and you are still there for her.

    Once she sees this and softens up Insha-Allah everyone else will follow suit.

    Make dua that Allah takes awa all yours and the Ummahs problems.

    Ameen

    Comment


      #17
      Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

      Assalam u alaikum,

      Yes i do visit them. i live in a different city and both my wife's parents and my parents's live in a different city. I had to move due to work. when i go back i do go visit them. but since they have never called me and only when i call them do we ever talk there is a miss connect now where they are unaware of what is happening in my life. i did want to change that and shared a very big happiness with them when i was getting promoted and all i got was ok. it was hurtful as i was very excited and it was a huge deal to me. i am trying my best to always forget about he bad times and the arguments and keep trying to make things better but i do need a different approach as that is not working and i dont want them to use such foul language towards my wife. InshAllah I am hoping that when we have kids it might get better but slowly losing hope in that to

      Comment


        #18
        Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

        Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
        Assalam u alaikum,

        Yes i do visit them. i live in a different city and both my wife's parents and my parents's live in a different city. I had to move due to work. when i go back i do go visit them. but since they have never called me and only when i call them do we ever talk there is a miss connect now where they are unaware of what is happening in my life. i did want to change that and shared a very big happiness with them when i was getting promoted and all i got was ok. it was hurtful as i was very excited and it was a huge deal to me. i am trying my best to always forget about he bad times and the arguments and keep trying to make things better but i do need a different approach as that is not working and i dont want them to use such foul language towards my wife. InshAllah I am hoping that when we have kids it might get better but slowly losing hope in that to
        Brother carry on the way you are. You are doing right by keeping in contact and not cutting ties with your mum. As some posters have said just set boundaries.

        You cannot make your mum stop using foul language towards your wife. Tell her it's sinful and if she persists then just walk away.

        As hurtful as it is if your parents are nit interested in your success then don't tell them. Someone suggested reverse psychology. Try it for a while. When you ring them dont mention what's happening in your life or anything about your wife. Keep it simple to asking how your parents are. Make the conversation about them and not about you or your wife.

        This is life and everything is not going to be happy families and rosie dosie all the time. Accept they don't accept your wife. Let it be. Make dua to Allah to soften their hearts towards your wife.

        Comment


          #19
          Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

          Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post
          Brother carry on the way you are. You are doing right by keeping in contact and not cutting ties with your mum. As some posters have said just set boundaries.

          You cannot make your mum stop using foul language towards your wife. Tell her it's sinful and if she persists then just walk away.

          As hurtful as it is if your parents are nit interested in your success then don't tell them. Someone suggested reverse psychology. Try it for a while. When you ring them dont mention what's happening in your life or anything about your wife. Keep it simple to asking how your parents are. Make the conversation about them and not about you or your wife.

          This is life and everything is not going to be happy families and rosie dosie all the time. Accept they don't accept your wife. Let it be. Make dua to Allah to soften their hearts towards your wife.
          Thank you.. yes i dont really want to cut ties with my parents as i am there only son which is why i am trying so hard for them to be a part of my life...i always stay away from the subject of my wife but they always some how relate it back to her...i get it as she is my wife alot of what goes on in my life is related to her and i have slowly just stopped sharing anything but i think that might make it worse as they will think its my wife who is asking me not to tell them anything so i am really not sure as to what to do and which way to go i have spoken to other relatives and asked them to talk to my parents but they have failed to convince them otherwise.. InshAllah Allah gives me the strength to fix this and make it better... thank you for all the comments and advise

          Comment


            #20
            Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

            These type of stories really sadden me. I know so many couples who experience this. It's tragic and NOT Islam. Have you tried reaching out to an imam that knows your parents and can talk to them?

            Comment


              #21
              Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

              Originally posted by NYC_Hijab View Post
              These type of stories really sadden me. I know so many couples who experience this. It's tragic and NOT Islam. Have you tried reaching out to an imam that knows your parents and can talk to them?
              I have not as I live n a different city. I did reach out to elders of my family ( sister, uncles ) but they have not listened to anyone of them and just shut me out. Inshallah I hope it gets better

              Comment


                #22
                Re: Marriage to a convert and My mother

                Originally posted by newconvert789 View Post
                Assalam u alaikum,
                I am here to share a problem to which I really don’t know how to handle. About 7 years ago I met a girl and she was non-muslim and I knew I liked her a lot so I asked her if she would be willing to convert otherwise we will not be able to be together. She read about Islam and said she would convert. I knew that once she converts it would be very hard on her family and I wanted to marry her. I shared this with my parents and they both said no. I tried to convince them for 6 months shared how I feel about her and how she is converted already and I want to marry her now. They did not agree and never wanted to meet her.
                At this time her parents started looking for guys in her religion to marry and the pressure was building. So I married her without my parents being there. This made them very upset but I apologized. I didn’t know who I could turn to. Further I was told that if I wanted to be with her then I would have to keep her outside as she was not allowed in my house and my parents would never accept her.
                Me and my wife started to live on our own. We are very happy mashallah but over the years I have always tried to convince my parents to meet her and talk to her so they can get to know her. My dad is refuse to ever meet her and has never talked to my wife of 7 years now. My mother every time I talk to her says that she is not a good muslim and the only way she will talk to her is if she leaves her parents. She then went on to say that she is a kafir even though my wife has converted. When ever I call my mother to talk to her we always end up fighting because she would call my wife names and swear words that degrades her and when I asked her to stop she doesn’t which then results in a fight and her not talking to me. I have been trying to 7 years now and feel totally lost. The last time I spoke to my mother she said the only way she will be happy is if I leave my wife because she is the problem. she thinks that I have moved away from my deen because of my wife. They have never spent even a day with her to know what she is like.
                Now I am being blamed for leaving the parents. Not caring about them even thought I am the one who always calls them in the seven years I have been married they have never called me to ask how I am doing when will I come to see them. I have always made the effort and will continue but I feel like nothing is enough. I Just want to know if there is something that I am missing or what I can do to fix it. I have talked to my sisters and all they say is she is our mother you should talk to her and spend time with her. How do you spend time with someone who doesn’t accept the biggest part of your life. Who never call you to ask you how are you. I asked them to come and stay with me even come and visit when I bought a new house but they refused and said they would never come as long as my wife is there. My sisters also blame me and say that I have not done enough as being the only son and I have left them ( my parents). However I feel like I have been trying since 7 years to make them a part of my happiness and they keep pushing me away.
                Please help
                Thank you in advance for all the help
                PLease have some respect for readers and USE PARAGRAPHS
                "Closer and closer to mankind comes their Reckoning: yet they heed not and they turn away" (21:1)

                Comment

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