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For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

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    For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

    Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
    With all due respect marry for yourself and not because you feel you are doing a down-and-out sister a favour. You are not some type of saviour and if you feel that way it will negatively impact on her feelings to you. A distant relative of mine did this after the Iraqi war (marrying widows with children) and each marriage lasted only a short time. He felt they were "ungrateful" for him marrying them and they were too demanding within their status (ie as a widow with 8 children she should just be grateful with a husband, a house and food and not want anything else) but they didn't see themselves as charity cases so felt he was looking down at them. His children suddenly saw a lot less of him and their financial life halved. Although his wife was fine with it I can't minimize the tension it caused within the family.


    I just thought It's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

    I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

    They enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. they shocked and be like " u not being grateful that I married u .. blah blah .."

    and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

    something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from Allah or from the women themselves?
    or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. if she's divorced or widow?

    dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. they should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. etc
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

    #2
    Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

    Originally posted by Um_Saf View Post
    100% agree with this, no person wants to be seen or treated like a charity case-that's why I mentioned whether you would be able to treat her and your current wife fairly.
    There are lots to consider beforehand like any marriage, because if you go into it, the decision and consequences will affect all the family members not just the adults.
    Finances are a factor but above all how you manage you relationships are the biggest factor there is. I don't think looking at the potentials status is the best approach for marriage period..Once they are your spouse the responsibilities are the same regardless and fairness and kindness are key.
    True. I think many of them not being clear with the women from the get go .. and that's what bring up unnecessary misunderstanding and problems..

    It's just marriage like any other marriage and she's a woman like any other woman.

    If u expect some sort of marriage that's free from duties and responsibilities( from your side), a wife demanding less or dropping rights ..etc and just be content and grateful with whatever u offer, be clear and honest about it before marriage

    and see what she says and take it from there .. but to keep it hidden in your heart and surprised her with it after marriage is just not wise and not fair ..
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

    Comment


      #3
      Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

      Salaam,

      Maybe there are some men like you describe but I'm sure not all of them are doing it for some ego reason. There are those who sincerely care without weird expectations.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

        Originally posted by myeverything View Post
        I just thought It's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

        I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

        They enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. they shocked and be like " u not being grateful that I married u .. blah blah .."

        and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

        something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from Allah or from the women themselves?
        or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. if she's divorced or widow?

        dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. they should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. etc
        I highlighted the very text and commented about men knowing just this.

        On the flip side... whether the wife is 1st ot 4th... the women must realise the part that the men bring in taking care of her needs and that not everything is owed to her.

        For this reason women have been warned about being ungrateful to husbands

        So in my view one sholdnt be making it seem like a favour and on the other the women must acknowledge that the man bring some form of assistance/relief etc and not be ungrateful...

        Comment


          #5
          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

          Originally posted by Ekoor View Post
          I highlighted the very text and commented about men knowing just this.

          On the flip side... whether the wife is 1st ot 4th... the women must realise the part that the men bring in taking care of her needs and that not everything is owed to her.

          For this reason women have been warned about being ungrateful to husbands

          So in my view one sholdnt be making it seem like a favour and on the other the women must acknowledge that the man bring some form of assistance/relief etc and not be ungrateful...
          Both spouses (and not just the wives) should respect and be grateful to each other as they both do things for each other that without the other they would need to do alone Alhamdulillah-surely that is logical within relationships.

          How many men are also ungrateful to their wive's? I think more men then we perhaps realise are ungrateful and think they are owed praise from just doing the things that are generally seen as normal.
          My own experience was like that. I always thanked for everything he did for me even when he started falling short in his responsibilities I saw the positives yet on the other hand he didn't think I did anything/or realise how much I did to require the same respect I showed him. Its not until your without something you start to appreciate it.

          So being ungrateful affects both sexes in different ways in my opinion.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

            Originally posted by Um_Saf View Post
            Both spouses (and not just the wives) should respect and be grateful to each other as they both do things for each other that without the other they would need to do alone Alhamdulillah-surely that is logical within relationships.

            How many men are also ungrateful to their wive's? I think more men then we perhaps realise are ungrateful and think they are owed praise from just doing the things that are generally seen as normal.
            My own experience was like that. I always thanked for everything he did for me even when he started falling short in his responsibilities I saw the positives yet on the other hand he didn't think I did anything/or realise how much I did to require the same respect I showed him. Its not until your without something you start to appreciate it.

            So being ungrateful affects both sexes in different ways in my opinion.
            That's my point... To a great degree the men does do a "favour" to the women by taking her and kids on as his responsibility...

            but he shouldnt be making her hear about it...

            Comment


              #7
              Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

              The Best man to ever walk in the Dunya married a widow older than him and was totally monogamous in that relationship.

              She is one of for women of Paradise.

              You make a good point,actions are judge by intentions

              Comment


                #8
                Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                Originally posted by Ekoor View Post
                That's my point... To a great degree the men does do a "favour" to the women by taking her and kids on as his responsibility...

                but he shouldnt be making her hear about it...
                Yes Alhamdulillah all men who accept responsibilities of another mans children are amazing. Its something that inshaAllah I will have to deal with if I remarry.
                But such a "favour" shouldn't be spoken about or used to control the women. Such a good deed should be done solely for the reward of Allah (SAW) and the wellbeing and happiness of the children and wife. Intention is the biggest factor to consider here.

                Having already been in an abusive marriage it makes me extremely anxious that this might happen again. For example that I will be reminded of how big a charity I am and therefore I should accept anything or less than others would- it makes a person feel worthless to hear a spouse say and think these things. Its why that I am starting to think that perhaps I should not 100% be relying on anyone anymore, because if you put yourself in a vulnerable position-male or female- then you are open to being controlled or abused because of the same vulnerability. Its the sad reality.

                The fast majority of widows and divorcees now are just like me.
                I don't need charity and I can manage alone Alhamdulillah- I just don't want to be alone-the same as everyone else, male/female, single/divorced/widowed.
                (A women can work and take care of herself, just the same as man can take care of himself if needed. There are also many single parents out there whom manage perfectly well alone SubhanAllah). Almost everyone marries mainly for companionship, unless they are blindly matericalistic. At least I think so anyway.

                A good example as already pointed out is Khadjah (RA). She was a women who worked and supported herself on her own means. She turned many wealthy men down for marriage and she was the one asked prophet (PBUH) to marry her as she had love for him. Such a women should be proof that divorced women should not be seen as simply charity but as a women in need of affection and respect the same as a single women. The rights are the same regardless of status. She should not need to show more gratitude then any other wife.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                  Originally posted by Ekoor View Post
                  That's my point... To a great degree the men does do a "favour" to the women by taking her and kids on as his responsibility...

                  but he shouldnt be making her hear about it...
                  When he decides to marry her, he should not think of it as "favour" because in truth she is also doing him a "favour" by allowing him to be part of her family. Before marriage he can think whatever he wants & everyone has their reasons. but after marriage it should be gratefulness from both parts. If the intention is still there, sooner or later some day it wil come out. Human are not made to hide things in our heart from those close to us. It will come out, better not to think of it as favour at all

                  Comment


                    #10
                    For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                    I don't think men can help but feel this way. They could have easily chosen a virgin you know. But I agree that he should not try to use it to emotionally blackmail his wife.

                    Divorcees and single mothers want to be regarded the same as never married virgins, but the truth is they'll never be seen in the same way. From a biological standpoint the never married women are more desirable to men. Usually when a man marries a divorcee or single mother, it's cause she has some outstanding qualities he couldn't find in never married women.
                    Last edited by Stoic Believer; 08-11-17, 03:58 PM.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                      I don't think men can help but feel this way. They could have easily chosen a virgin you know. But I agree that he should not try to use it to emotionally blackmail his wife.

                      Divorcees and single mothers want to be regarded the same as never married virgins, but the truth is they'll never be seen in the same way. From a biological standpoint the never married women are more desirable to men.
                      Brother i think its not so much being seen as equal but not being seen as charity or using her situation as control that's important-at least in my case. I know how the world works.
                      I do understand the desire of a virgin for men from physical side-but then she doesn't stay a virgin forever either- after the first night you no longer have a virginal wife. but yes especially virgin men will want someone of the same generally -that's natural.

                      At the same time prophet PBUH is the best example of men and yet he did not marry a virgin (at first and even the majority of his wives were not virgins). If men think less of women on their status then they aren't following Sunnah. Whatever their desires are and even if they do end up marry a virgin. Thinking less is wrong. That is where intention comes in.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Um_Saf View Post
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        I don't think men can help but feel this way. They could have easily chosen a virgin you know. But I agree that he should not try to use it to emotionally blackmail his wife.

                        Divorcees and single mothers want to be regarded the same as never married virgins, but the truth is they'll never be seen in the same way. From a biological standpoint the never married women are more desirable to men.
                        Brother i think its not so much being seen as equal but not being seen as charity or using her situation as control that's important-at least in my case. I know how the world works.
                        I do understand the desire of a virgin for men from physical side-but then she doesn't stay a virgin forever either- after the first night you no longer have a virginal wife. but yes especially virgin men will want someone of the same generally -that's natural.

                        At the same time prophet PBUH is the best example of men and yet he did not marry a virgin (at first and even the majority of his wives were not virgins). If men think less of women on their status then they aren't following Sunnah. Whatever their desires are and even if they do end up marry a virgin. Thinking less is wrong. That is where intention comes in.
                        I understand. It's demeaning to be regarded as a charity case, especially when you were doing just fine before marriage.

                        Well, then how do you want to be seen? I imagine you just want to be treated like any other woman, virgin or otherwise.

                        It doesn't matter that she's only a virgin temporarily after marriage. The appeal of virgins is the lack of being touched by another man previously, and the lack of possible emotional baggage from previous relationships.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                          Interesting topic. I feel this comes back to really knowing who you are getting involved with and the issue of some women not seeing themselves as more than a charity case. There are decent men out there, who do not become fixated on someone’s past, and they are secure men, or men who are secure with themselves. When a woman is secure with herself as well, she will generally attract similar men. So, decide who you are, what you want in a man, how you want to be treated, and move in that direction.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                            I understand. It's demeaning to be regarded as a charity case, especially when you were doing just fine before marriage.

                            Well, then how do you want to be seen? I imagine you just want to be treated like any other woman, virgin or otherwise.

                            It doesn't matter that she's only a virgin temporarily after marriage. The appeal of virgins is the lack of being touched by another man previously, and the lack of possible emotional baggage from previous relationships.
                            How do I want to be seen?
                            Simply as a women who is trying to live as a muslimah and raise pious children same as every other person I guess. I can manage alone if needed though.

                            For what it is worth -particularly for reverts -the end of one marry sometimes creates a situation where they end up abandoning the deen completely-it is after all easy fall back into haram and possibly zina, when you are lonely and desire a relationship but still many in the muslim ummah see the non-virgin status so negatively or a charity rather than just a women, despite the teaching of islam . Its difficult to know how you are now seen when your situation is not you fault at all SubhanAllah. And its not Easy to remarry as a women (so i am told anyway)

                            Alhamdulliah even after i have been though so much I am continuing to increase my imam when fitna still affects me, I am lonely and I do not claim otherwise. On top of that I am isolated and my family have tried to encourage me to "forget" islam and to just date and then I wouldn't be lonely. In the past when i have been very low I have thought if I should reconsider non-muslim men or just give in and conform to my family completely astaghfirullah.

                            But then I quickly remind myself that i reverted because i believed Alhamdulillah and I left an abusive marriage full of disagreements on shirk/bidah in the hope my child and myself will become better muslims for it inshaAllah.
                            As a mother I have the duty for my child to marry a man who will now become her only male muslim role model inshaAllah . I never wanted to be divorced-who does (or widowed for that matter). i just had no other halal options left.

                            At the same time I do not want to repeat my first marriage and accept a situation just because of the loneliness. Polygamy has became something I will consider even more than before InshaAllah. I know my only option is a man whom is divorced/widowed or polygamy.
                            Strangely my Ex husband has told me to go find the apparent pious man that i want- though he doesn't think a pious brother will accept me- said if another marriage doesn't work out he will take me back-and hes waiting for that day to say he told me so. Ya Allah! He also said its good that we divorced as one of us would have ended up dead by now as there was no compatibility.

                            It doesn't matter that she's only a virgin temporarily after marriage. The appeal of virgins is the lack of being touched by another man previously, and the lack of possible emotional baggage from previous relationships - Ah but then a virgin woman is less likely to accept a polygamy situation for the very same reason. Like I said its natural to want the same as you are.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              ..................
                              Last edited by myeverything; 06-12-17, 05:21 PM.
                              How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

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