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For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

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    #31
    Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

    Originally posted by myeverything View Post
    i just thought it's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

    I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

    they enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. Which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. They shocked and be like " u not being grateful that i married u .. Blah blah .."

    and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

    Something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from allah or from the women themselves?
    Or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. If she's divorced or widow?

    Dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. They should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. Etc
    flush em out...flush em out

    Comment


      #32
      .............
      Last edited by myeverything; 06-12-17, 05:27 PM.
      How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

      Comment


        #33
        Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

        Originally posted by myeverything View Post
        I just thought It's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

        I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

        They enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. they shocked and be like " u not being grateful that I married u .. blah blah .."

        and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

        something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from Allah or from the women themselves?
        or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. if she's divorced or widow?

        dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. they should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. etc
        Originally posted by myeverything View Post
        lol u mean lead em out .. lead em out of ignorance ... educate them.
        YES YES FLUSH THAT poodle poo out of their heads - lovely thread.

        Comment


          #34
          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

          Originally posted by myeverything View Post
          I see



          Not exactly .. reread my posts and others posts...It's more like educational thread.

          I concentrate more on the practical side of the matter(time, way of dealing with wife, financial, responsibilities, tolerance ..etc) and not the feelings or motif behind it ...

          dunno how to explain it lolz

          but maybe the man can think/ feel whatever he wants but he can't act upon these thoughts/ feeling once he get married. In Islam we don't held account of our feelings that we can't control but we held account of our acts. If that makes sense.

          IMO if a man is really feeling this way and just can't help acting upon it, he better avoid marrying with these women and save himself and the woman unnecessary drama.

          Because a woman would never see herself any less no matter how old she is or what her marital status is .. It's all in some men heads.

          So, this thread more about educating them about how women think, the reality of such marriage i.e it's just like any other marriage .. because maybe some men think women think the same about themselves which is wrong, unless the woman has low self- esteem which is different story..



          [MENTION=146009]SisterTA[/MENTION] welcome back dear :)

          but this thread not about polygamy. we don't wanna go down that road i.e discussion.

          aww happy u back welcome again :)
          A couple of points here:

          All of the bolded above will be affected by his feelings about a woman and her past and whether he views her as a charity case.

          Majority of men here are either not married or, if married, not looking into polygamy.

          So, while it is an interesting topic of sorts, I don’t feel it’s a discussion that is applicable to this site, nor can we discuss this topic without considering feelings.

          Comment


            #35
            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

            Point is a man that doesnt fear Allah and isnt righteous is most likely going to take advantage so dont go with him
            If your going to consider this path only go with someone who has taqwa and that doesnt mean pray 5 times a day and wears a thobe

            Comment


              #36
              Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

              Originally posted by myeverything View Post
              I just thought It's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

              I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

              They enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. they shocked and be like " u not being grateful that I married u .. blah blah .."

              and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

              something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from Allah or from the women themselves?
              or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. if she's divorced or widow?

              dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. they should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. etc
              Marrying second wife is hardly Common, at least in the west.

              I don't know a single Brother who has a second wife.

              I do know some who married Divorcees, (Divorcee Brothers and Sisters) and none of them have any such expectations as above.

              :jkk:
              http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

              "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

              – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

              Comment


                #37
                Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                In essence what your saying is that ungrateful and demanding women will never change no matter what...thanks for the heads up :)
                Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

                None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

                Comment


                  #38
                  Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                  Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                  I just thought It's good to shed light on this issue and that married men who consider it should be educated on this matter.

                  I notice that many men marry divorcees with kids or widows; thinking inside they doing charity ( of course they didn't mention it to the women,otherwise they won't accept to marry them)

                  They enter this marriage with weird expectations. They expect that these women to accept less at every level and be grateful 24/7 for them marrying her .. which is insane. Then, when they get married they discover that she's just a woman like any other wife, behaving in a normal way ( not seeing herself as a charity case) wants what normal wife usually want .. they shocked and be like " u not being grateful that I married u .. blah blah .."

                  and the problems start, because he in the first place didn't inter the marriage with good intention ..

                  something makes me wonder if they really want the reward from Allah or from the women themselves?
                  or they choose these women, in particular, thinking they can have extra woman for barely nothing .. if she's divorced or widow?

                  dunno what exactly in their heads but whatever was it .. they should be clear about it to avoid future disappointment and destruction of others lives .. etc
                  Who says "you not being grateful that I married you?"

                  Never even remotely heard this before,

                  And can you list exactly what expectations your talking about?

                  Pretty sure there is a hadith telling us that we ought to marry Virgin or Divorcees cause they have less demands

                  Have asked Sheikh and will post reply inshallah.
                  http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                  "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                  – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                  Comment


                    #39
                    Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                    Originally posted by SisterTA View Post
                    Don't ever be a second wife, I wouldn't advise it to any of my sisters or friends. Why?

                    Because times have changed, the men of today unless they're exceptional in their character and have a great personality and are able to be just with two women, can not handle 2 wives. Perhaps back a few decades ago, but not today.


                    Even if divorced, I feel its better you go for a divorced man rather than a man seeking a second wife.
                    I have a family member who has been looking for marriage for a very long time, almost 2 years now, and undoubtedly the worst potentials have been the ones seeking second wives, most are not serious and they're looking for a second wife for their sexual gratification, not for a real marriage. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.


                    It is a Sunnah, and has many practical uses, however the people of today in my opinion can not handle 2 women, and 2 sets of responsibilities. It is possible but quite rare that you'll find both women happy with the situation.
                    Interesting.

                    Comment


                      #40
                      Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                      I don't think men can help but feel this way. They could have easily chosen a virgin you know. But I agree that he should not try to use it to emotionally blackmail his wife.

                      Divorcees and single mothers want to be regarded the same as never married virgins, but the truth is they'll never be seen in the same way. From a biological standpoint the never married women are more desirable to men. Usually when a man marries a divorcee or single mother, it's cause she has some outstanding qualities he couldn't find in never married women.
                      Why didn't they choose a woman who was never married before then? did someone hold a gun up to their head and force them to accept a divorcee or a widow?
                      It's not right to make other people pay for your choices. Such men are obviously not capable of polygamy and should stay out of it for everyone's good.

                      Sometimes it helps to think "if I had a daughter and she ended up as somebody's second wife, how would I want him to view her. This is somebody else's daughter, her value isn't less than anybody else's because she has kids or because her first marriage didn't work out or because her previous husband died.
                      شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                      فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                      وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                      ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                      Comment


                        #41
                        Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                        Sisters are to blame too, are we going to ignore the fact that so many of you wouldn't accept your 'equal' as a co-wife. If there is ever to be a another wife you want her to be an old widow with 10 kids, you make it as if these are the only women your husbands can marry after you, you yourself (us sisters) see them as charity cases,
                        "oh my husband is helping her out" lol,
                        "the sister was in need, she couldn't find a husband",
                        "if there was a woman in need and my husband could look after her, then I would be ok with it".
                        but all hell breaks loose if he marries a young attractive girl whose not 'in need' of anything, now he's evil and "only cares about his own desires". Maybe he married her for the same reasons he married the first wife.

                        If you want second wives to stop being seen as charity cases, sisters stop talking about them in such a negative way, side chicks, home wreckers, in need, etc.
                        Some sisters themselves think their co-wife should just be grateful that someone is looking after her with all her kids and baggage. I'm sorry but both sides are to blame for this one.
                        شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                        فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                        وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                        ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                        Comment


                          #42
                          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                          Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                          Why didn't they choose a woman who was never married before then? did someone hold a gun up to their head and force them to accept a divorcee or a widow?
                          They could have. If all the males did that then where would the other women go?
                          It's not right to make others pay for your choices but like what stoic said, the feeling is naturally there.
                          ┳┻|
                          ┻┳|•.•) Hello, Assalamu Alaikum! Check out this topic! #makethechanges
                          ┳┻|⊂ノ
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                          Comment


                            #43
                            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                            Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                            That's true. But usually such men keep this attitude/ mentality hidden, for fearing to scare the woman out, not accepting him ..or for whatever reason. They only show it after marriage.

                            Although, sometimes there 're some signs, situations or red flags that can give a woman glimpse of how he views her even before the marriage.. but it's not always the case, mostly they hide it, as i mentioned earlier.



                            I think this topic is important. A great number of Muslim men who consider polygamy with ( divorcee / widows) need to be educated about this matter. I haven't seen it discussed here before. Maybe u can write something about it in your blog [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
                            Maybe I've got a slightly different take on things and can certainly add it to the growing list of things which need blogging on...

                            I totally get your point about men marrying certain women then expecting gratitude, it's thoroughly reprehensible and I've seen it again and again, right from the times I was first being told to get married 15 years ago when I reverted, and people said to marry an orphan... that way she is not only grateful but has no family to go back to if I mistreat her. Yes this was the advise from some 'practicing' brothers.

                            So this is not something new, and I doubt it was new then and men have been thinking like this for a long time and taken to the extreme it's way marriage bandits and those with controlling, or even narcissistic personality traits might target the widows and divorcees (as well as reverts) is because they expect them to be grateful, and tell them how great they are, that they to some level know they are crappy males so having someone less likely to run away when that is exposed, and feel they have to stay and make it work is a big plus for them.

                            So some men stink at this stuff, but here is where I might part company with some of you. Though their motivation is wrong, I don't see anything wrong in a good, stable man marrying someone with less advantages in life or downright suffering and seeing that as an act of charity on his part, but the messed up matter of his motivation is that if he is doing it for the reasons listed in the above couple of paragraphs then he's already destroyed his good deeds, he's done it for the dunya, not the akhirah.

                            The reward in an act of charity is with Allah, we destroy our deeds as soon as you start reminding the recipient of our generosity and cashing in on that upper hand you have and often because it is a power dynamic not only are we capable of destroying our act of charity, we are capable when we do this of being a dhalim and I see this again and again with new Muslims who go through marriage difficulties, the non-revert spouse will almost always bring up the fact they even married them as if it was some sort of favour which is a currency they feel they are deserving of being paid for the rest of the lives and it is outrageous this new Muslim (or widow / divorcee / orphan) might not do so.

                            So yes, it can be a charity to marry one person over another, but that is for the sake of Allah, not for ourselves and our own advantage, and as soon as we are married our spouses should be treated with all the dignity, respect and love that any other wife would want, that they deserve and should if not given demand from their husbands.

                            Once again, marriage is about building the other person up, making a better relationship through both individuals working together to improve, not just one doing the other down to feel bigger or better about themselves and people with those attitudes need to stay out of marriage to anyone never-mind marriage to someone who has already had difficulties in their life.
                            FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                            www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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                              #44
                              Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                              Originally posted by Cptn._.Mario View Post
                              They could have. If all the males did that then where would the other women go?
                              It's not right to make others pay for your choices but like what stoic said, the feeling is naturally there.
                              The other women would find men who don't think that way or they would marry single men
                              شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                              فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                              وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                              ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                              Comment


                                #45
                                Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                                Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post
                                A couple of points here:

                                All of the bolded above will be affected by his feelings about a woman and her past and whether he views her as a charity case.

                                Majority of men here are either not married or, if married, not looking into polygamy.

                                So, while it is an interesting topic of sorts, I don’t feel it’s a discussion that is applicable to this site, nor can we discuss this topic without considering feelings.
                                Trust me, the majority of men, whether married or unmarried still have polygamy on their minds at times even if they are perhaps more realistic and know it's unlikely in their case.

                                So it is applicable, as it is possible the opportunity could come there way, so better they get their heads in the right place now than rush into things and make even more of a mess of it later on.
                                Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 09-11-17, 05:20 AM.
                                FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

                                www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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