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For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

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    #16
    Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

    This thread aimes at highlighting and correcting the biggest mistake, mindset, thinking, expectations
    that many married men have in mind when considering marrying a divorcee with kids or widows as second wife.


    If they enter the marriage, thinking these women (divorcee, widows)SHOULD/ WOULD :


    - show more gratitude/ appreciation than any other wife.
    - put up with or overlook his flaws/mistakes/ falling short in his responsibilities ..etc more than other women.
    - demand less at all levels( emotionally, financially, time ...etc) than any other wife.
    - pamper him way more than any other wife.
    - drop some of her rights more than other wife.
    - that he can get away with many things in his married life .. that he can't get away with any other woman.

    Then he should be prepared for potential disappointment. Simply because he make decisions that are less likely to lead healthy/ happy marriage.

    Unless there 's some sort of agreement discussed before marriage between them, and things are clear from the get go, that's another story.

    But in general, it's just a marriage like any other and she's a wife like any other wife .. better avoid entering marriage with this mindset to have good marriage insha'Allah.
    Last edited by myeverything; 06-12-17, 05:24 PM.
    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

    Comment


      #17
      Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

      [MENTION=144678]Um_Saf[/MENTION]

      May Allah make it easy for you and others in a similar situation

      Just remember

      An-Nisa' 4:89

      وَدُّوْا لَوْ تَكْفُرُوْنَ كَمَا كَفَرُوْا فَتَكُوْنُوْنَ سَوَآءً* فَلَا تَتَّخِذُوْا مِنْهُمْ اَوْلِيَآءَ حَتّٰى يُهَاجِرُوْا فِىْ سَبِيْلِ اللّٰهِ*ؕ فَاِنْ تَوَلَّوْا فَخُذُوْهُمْ وَاقْتُلُوْهُمْ حَيْثُ وَجَدتُّمُوْهُمْ* وَلَا تَتَّخِذُوْا مِنْهُمْ وَلِيًّا وَّلَا نَصِيْرًاۙ

      They wish you would disbelieve as they disbelieved so you would be alike. So do not take from among them allies until they emigrate for the cause of Allah . But if they turn away, then seize them and kill them wherever you find them and take not from among them any ally or helper.

      ( the first part of the ayat is important for people in this kind of situation)

      Alot of the time u wont realise but people who are disbelievers will try to take u away from your religion consciously or subconsciously ive seen it first hand
      Dont ever fall in that trap of the shaytaan and the disbelievers
      This is a trial and test from Allah to show how steadfast you are
      We cant expect to earn jannah without going through hardship in this world
      But stay firm and ان شاء الله
      Things will change

      Also just incase you didnt know if a muslim women marries a kaafir man she apostates and becomes a disbeliever until she repents which includes leaving that marriage as the Quran states a women can only marry a muslim man
      Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 08-11-17, 06:20 PM.

      Comment


        #18
        Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

        [MENTION=144678]Um_Saf[/MENTION]

        Sister you sound like a strong person mashAllah
        May Allah (swt) always keep your iman strong and keep you guided and never let you go astray Ameen.

        Comment


          #19
          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

          Originally posted by Ekoor View Post
          I highlighted the very text and commented about men knowing just this.

          On the flip side... whether the wife is 1st ot 4th... the women must realise the part that the men bring in taking care of her needs and that not everything is owed to her.

          For this reason women have been warned about being ungrateful to husbands

          So in my view one sholdnt be making it seem like a favour and on the other the women must acknowledge that the man bring some form of assistance/relief etc and not be ungrateful...
          You know ..I think the problem here with some men and not women.

          Because the ungrateful woman who not acknowledging that the man bring some form of assistance/relief etc will just be ungrateful, regardless whether being 1st or 4th...

          In other words, women marital status changes nothing in her thinking, nature, character and way of dealing with husband.

          But It's some men who change their thinking, nature, character and their way of dealing with wife, according to the woman marital status. They think that a divorcee/ widow should be more grateful than other wife ..etc ( as I mentioned in my previous post) which is totally wrong and big misconception that many Muslim men unfortunately have in mind when considering marrying with divorcee or widow.
          How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

          Comment


            #20
            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

            Originally posted by myeverything View Post
            Hey!

            no one cares of how certain men feel nor we discussing that here ..such men can just for a virgins. period.

            Please Please Please don't turn this thread into virgin VS divorcee& widows. This is not what this thread about at all. ( i expect someone to do that)

            We trying to be practical and real here and put things into perspective and say things as they are. FOCUS on the core of topic and not the options that he had before marriage or feelings^^
            I have never considered divorcee or widowed any less than a virgin. She was in a Halal relationship. It’s only those who have had extramarital relations that I would consider less than a virgin.

            Comment


              #21
              ................
              Last edited by myeverything; 06-12-17, 05:25 PM.
              How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

              Comment


                #22
                Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                Was merely making the point to the brother who was saying virgins are more desirable.

                Comment


                  #23
                  Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                  Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                  This thread aimes at highlighting and correcting the biggest mistakes, mindset, thinking, expectations
                  that many married men have in mind when considering marrying a divorcee with kids or widows as second wife.


                  If they enter the marriage, thinking these women (divorcee, widows)SHOULD/ WOULD :


                  - show more gratitude/ appreciation than any other wife.
                  - put up with or overlook his flaws/mistakes/ falling short in his responsibilities ..etc more than other women.
                  - demand less at all levels( emotionally, financially, time ...etc) than any other wife.
                  - pamper him way more than any other wife.
                  - drop some of her rights more than other wife.
                  - that he can get away with many things in his married life .. that he can't get away with any other woman.

                  Then he should be prepared for potential disappointment. Simply because he make decisions that are less likely to lead healthy/ happy marriage.

                  Unless this is some sort of agreement discussed before marriage between them, and things are clear from the get go, that's another story.

                  But in general, it's just a marriage like any other and she's a wife like any other wife .. better enter marriage with this mindset, otherwise blame no one but yourself lol if things go south, which more likely to happen.
                  sorry sister I was simply responding to a question I didn't think it would have turned into such a personal post from me Anyway it may be good for the brothers to get an idea of how a divorcee thinks anyway inshaAllah

                  Comment


                    #24
                    -
                    Last edited by Abu Zaytun; 17-12-17, 08:45 PM.

                    Comment


                      #25
                      Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                      Don't ever be a second wife, I wouldn't advise it to any of my sisters or friends. Why?

                      Because times have changed, the men of today unless they're exceptional in their character and have a great personality and are able to be just with two women, can not handle 2 wives. Perhaps back a few decades ago, but not today.


                      Even if divorced, I feel its better you go for a divorced man rather than a man seeking a second wife.
                      I have a family member who has been looking for marriage for a very long time, almost 2 years now, and undoubtedly the worst potentials have been the ones seeking second wives, most are not serious and they're looking for a second wife for their sexual gratification, not for a real marriage. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.


                      It is a Sunnah, and has many practical uses, however the people of today in my opinion can not handle 2 women, and 2 sets of responsibilities. It is possible but quite rare that you'll find both women happy with the situation.

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        I don't think men can help but feel this way. They could have easily chosen a virgin you know. But I agree that he should not try to use it to emotionally blackmail his wife.

                        Divorcees and single mothers want to be regarded the same as never married virgins, but the truth is they'll never be seen in the same way. From a biological standpoint the never married women are more desirable to men. Usually when a man marries a divorcee or single mother, it's cause she has some outstanding qualities he couldn't find in never married women.
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        I understand. It's demeaning to be regarded as a charity case, especially when you were doing just fine before marriage.

                        Well, then how do you want to be seen? I imagine you just want to be treated like any other woman, virgin or otherwise.

                        It doesn't matter that she's only a virgin temporarily after marriage. The appeal of virgins is the lack of being touched by another man previously, and the lack of possible emotional baggage from previous relationships.

                        Hey!

                        no one cares of how certain men feel nor we discussing that here ..such men can just for a virgins. period.

                        Please Please Please don't turn this thread into virgin VS divorcee& widows. This is not what this thread about at all. ( i expect someone to do that)

                        We trying to be practical and real here and put things into perspective and say things as they are. FOCUS on the core of topic and not the options that he had before marriage or feelings^^
                        Not sure what you're on about. This thread is all about how men feel (i.e. that they feel they're doing a charity by marrying these sisters, and that you disagree with these feelings).

                        Comment


                          #27
                          Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                          Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post
                          Interesting topic. I feel this comes back to really knowing who you are getting involved with and the issue of some women not seeing themselves as more than a charity case. There are decent men out there, who do not become fixated on someone’s past, and they are secure men, or men who are secure with themselves. When a woman is secure with herself as well, she will generally attract similar men. So, decide who you are, what you want in a man, how you want to be treated, and move in that direction.

                          That's true. But usually such men keep this attitude/ mentality hidden, for fearing to scare the woman out, not accepting him ..or for whatever reason. They only show it after marriage.

                          Although, sometimes there 're some signs, situations or red flags that can give a woman glimpse of how he views her even before the marriage.. but it's not always the case, mostly they hide it, as i mentioned earlier.



                          I think this topic is important. A great number of Muslim men who consider polygamy with ( divorcee / widows) need to be educated about this matter. I haven't seen it discussed here before. Maybe u can write something about it in your blog [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
                          How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                            Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post
                            [MENTION=144678]Um_Saf[/MENTION]

                            Sister you sound like a strong person mashAllah
                            May Allah (swt) always keep your iman strong and keep you guided and never let you go astray Ameen.
                            JazakAllah Khairan,
                            inshaAllah my imaam will only increase. I do not feel strong at all-in fact I am one of the weakest in reality. For any of my actions Allah will judge me, I simply want my child to have a fair chance in her deen inshaAllah same as any parent would want really.

                            But I hope it will be a reminder to brothers that the divorcee isn't in need of charity or sympathy, but rather if anything respect as a sister as she no doubt had no choice but remain strong as you say whatever she has had to face before- potentially at the displeasure of cultural opinion.

                            All brothers and sisters just want to be seen on character alone (no want wants to be seen as charity-especially to their spouse ) and women in these situations should not feel we like we should be anymore grateful for a happy marriage than any other brother or sister should inshaAllah

                            Comment


                              #29
                              Re: For married men who consider divorcee or widow as second wife

                              Originally posted by myeverything View Post
                              That's true. But usually such men keep this attitude/ mentality hidden, for fearing to scare the woman out, not accepting him ..or for whatever reason. They only show it after marriage.

                              Although, sometimes there 're some signs, situations or red flags that can give a woman glimpse of how he views her even before the marriage.. but it's not always the case, mostly they hide it, as i mentioned earlier.



                              I think this topic is important. A great number of Muslim men who consider polygamy with ( divorcee / widows) need to be educated about this matter. I haven't seen it discussed here before. Maybe u can write something about it in your blog [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
                              Time and patience... this alone will reveal so much about a person, or along the lines of, if you give them enough rope, they will hang themselves (reveal it).

                              Comment


                                #30

                                ...............
                                Last edited by myeverything; 06-12-17, 05:27 PM.
                                How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

                                Comment

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