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    Mixing cultures and families

    :salams

    For the sisters who live in this situation with in-laws:

    How common is this expectation to live with in-laws?

    What is the deal regarding privacy? Conversations and disagreements overheard - do the family get involved or do they mostly leave the couple to their own business.

    If the blended living is permanent then what happens when children come along? If the mothers (mother of the children) decision respected or over ruled by the children's grandmother or aunties?

    What about cooking for your husband? Or what if you have to eat different food because you can't have spicy food every day?

    What about romance? (Generally)

    What about your day generally, if you have projects or work from home and you're busy, you can go about your day or you have to be told what to do as it's not your house but someone else's?

    What about hijab and niqab, do you keep them on or off in the house?
    Last edited by Rifqah; 03-11-17, 06:21 AM.

    #2
    Re: Mixing cultures and families

    For the brothers who ask sisters to live with his family:

    What might be your primary reason for asking a wife to live with your family instead of providing her a small place for yourselves together?

    How much does the lack of privacy an issue?

    Does living with in laws cause a strain on newly married couples?

    What do women get upset about and how have you/ would you solve(d) it?

    Generally what are the biggest issues regarding this style of living?
    Last edited by Rifqah; 03-11-17, 06:26 AM.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Mixing cultures and families

      No way would I do this
      It may not be easy, you may not understand it, but you need to have the Imaan to trust Allah when life doesn't make sense.
      "Whoever intends eternal happiness, then let him hold tight to the threshold of servitude.” ibn Taymiyyah.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Mixing cultures and families

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
        For the brothers who ask sisters to live with his family:

        What might be your primary reason for asking a wife to live with your family instead of providing her a small place for yourselves together?
        It's cheaper than getting a place of your own and it adds a new resource in the household.

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post

        How much does the lack of privacy an issue?
        You are restricted to "alone time" in your bedroom.

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post

        Does living with in laws cause a strain on newly married couples?
        If In-laws are great then it will add limited strain, if they are not great then it will add lots. When a relationship is played out in front of others it will always add a layer of complication.

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
        What do women get upset about and how have you/ would you solve(d) it?
        Workload of having to care and cleanup for others. Solution is to get your own place.

        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post

        Generally what are the biggest issues regarding this style of living?
        Building a new relationship has it's own challenges, having to do it while having the whole village around you is claustrophobic.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Mixing cultures and families

          Originally posted by eesa the kiwi View Post
          No way would I do this
          Indeed.
          You think you know more than my scholar's qiyās? He was more learned than you and all other scholars combined. Yeah, the devil was the greatest scholar too and look where his qiyās of fire being better than tīn got him. Sorry.

          You follow your scholar's qiyās, and I will follow the Qur'ān and Sunnah.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Mixing cultures and families

            For the sake of your marriage BOTH dont do it...

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Mixing cultures and families

              Originally posted by Linkdeutscher View Post
              Indeed.
              Son? Is that you (or as we say in nz statue bro)
              It may not be easy, you may not understand it, but you need to have the Imaan to trust Allah when life doesn't make sense.
              "Whoever intends eternal happiness, then let him hold tight to the threshold of servitude.” ibn Taymiyyah.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Mixing cultures and families

                Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                For the brothers who ask sisters to live with his family:

                What might be your primary reason for asking a wife to live with your family instead of providing her a small place for yourselves together?

                How much does the lack of privacy an issue?

                Does living with in laws cause a strain on newly married couples?

                What do women get upset about and how have you/ would you solve(d) it?

                Generally what are the biggest issues regarding this style of living?

                Wont ask and hope Allah SWT doesn't test me with a situation like that InshaAllah.
                Finance is the main issue...cant see anything else.

                Yes in-laws causes strain an if you are not same ethnicity it could be even more trickier.

                Privacy not an issue....you always find a way ..room is where your heart is or sunset in balcony ..possibilities are endless.

                Women get upset over so many things ....be calm and learning to listen might solve a lot of these problems.

                Biggest issue is interference , lack of privacy, petty arguments leading to bigger problems , lack of understanding and judging.

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                  #9
                  Re: Mixing cultures and families

                  Sounds like a nightmare.

                  I think the two primary reasons for living with in-laws are finance and/or taking care of elderly parents. Other than this, I can't think of a reason why anyone would voluntarily choose to live with in-laws.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Mixing cultures and families

                    :wswrwb:

                    Some friends of mine do live with their in-laws, they have their own room/floor. Still some people, may still come in...
                    One sister narrated, that one summer due to visitors and etc. she was 24/7 with her hijab and abaya. Alhamdulillah.

                    I would ask , who else is living there? Non-mahrams? Just, heard interesting, talk where br. advice not to put wife and brothers to live in same house. As, your brother-in-law is dead.[al-Bukhaari 9/330]

                    There are good points, always have company. Children would know their grandparents and their history. Never need to eat alone...
                    If having disagreement does husband be fair and hear both parties or not...I assume this go back to his taqwa.

                    You just have to weight pros and cons and see what is kheir for you.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Mixing cultures and families

                      I hope that i never have to move in with in laws إن شاء الله

                      If you do freemixing might become normalised brothers in law etc

                      Also i would be married to my mum in law more then my husband, no alone time, not being able to do WHAT i want, regarding food, decorating, working out just being free etc.
                      يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                      O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                      Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Mixing cultures and families

                        Originally posted by aynina View Post
                        I hope that i never have to move in with in laws إن شاء الله

                        If you do freemixing might become normalised brothers in law etc

                        Also i would be married to my mum in law more then my husband, no alone time, not being able to do WHAT i want, regarding food, decorating, working out just being free etc.
                        When brothers get married, I always advise them that the new wife will want to make the place her own, redecorate or at least will move all the furniture around. This is just usually in their nature, so moving into a house which is already established with a woman already there there is going to be a clash even with the best of people involved, it's a recipe for disaster when people fall short of this.

                        Brothers, just don't do it. If your family is difficult and you know is going to cause problems for and the new wife and you cannot afford your own place then think again about marrying as in reality you cannot afford it and fulfill the rights of the wife at the same time.
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                          #13
                          Re: Mixing cultures and families

                          Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                          For the brothers who ask sisters to live with his family:

                          What might be your primary reason for asking a wife to live with your family instead of providing her a small place for yourselves together?

                          How much does the lack of privacy an issue?

                          Does living with in laws cause a strain on newly married couples?

                          What do women get upset about and how have you/ would you solve(d) it?

                          Generally what are the biggest issues regarding this style of living?
                          1) The primary reasons are: expensive to build/rent (and yet many of the families built big houses in the past, precisely because they assumed the sons - or at least 1 - would live with them); seeing to the husbands parents in their old age; sharing responsibilities of the upbringing of the children (grandparents help out too)

                          2) Its a major one, especially if brother in-laws are still in the same house and unmarried. Unlike in their own house where husband/wife can express intimacy (eg. cuddling on the sofa) openly or where monster-in-law goes through daughter-in-laws things, etc. Sometimes it is best to have your own "section"/wing in the house (so that nobody is up in the face of everyone else all the time)

                          3) Different people work differently. For some girls, they are used to big families/homes, so adjusting isn't too hard. For others, who are used to being/living alone, to suddenly have to deal with 2-10 extra people can become taxing

                          4) Women can be irrational at any given time. For the man who can answer the question "what do women get upset about", he may have unlocked the mysteries to life itself

                          5) Refer back to answer 3. Different people work differently. I assume, because you are European (or grew up with European culture), where families are smaller (1-4 people in the house at most), that this style of living may be extremely difficult for you to adjust to.

                          Generally speaking though, living with the extended family is no longer the norm. It shouldn't be, as there is great reward for the husband to look after his old parents (and probably 100x the reward for his wife), but even parents realize that in order to keep the peace, it is better for their children to live alone.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Mixing cultures and families

                            I lived with my IL's for 18 months, but not until we had been married for several years and had 2 children, so different from someone who gets married directly into their household (which I would never recommend!)

                            Too many cooks spoil the broth and too many women definitely cause a lot of tension in the household. In my case I lived in the downstairs floor with my husband, children, MIL and 2 unmarried SIL's. That was quite enough of a recipe for issues, but two BIL's also had a floor each and were married with 5+ children each and everyone tended to congregate on our floor. I lost count of the number of times that I set fire to my prayer clothes (that I practically wore 24/7) whilst cooking with them on. There was zero privacy too, which isn't so much an issue after children but as a newly married couple it would be very difficult. There was so much cooking/cleaning to be done as 12+ children in one room understandably make a lot of mess.
                            I was born and raised in UK and have British mannerisms I suppose in terms of keeping schtum when annoyed however culturally Mediterranean people are more outward and volatile when annoyed so that was a big learning curve. There was also a massive gossip culture, women would be leaning out of windows watching who was coming/going, what bags they had with them so there was always a lot of speculation about other peoples lives which got very exhausting.

                            It does have its positives too though, my SIL married in the household (a one bedroomed apartment with her husband, MIL and SIL) and stayed with them for 6 years. For them it worked out well, she was used to that arrangement growing up so didn't feel it was difficult. They used this time to save up to buy their own flat which they couldn't have done otherwise and they got free childcare as both of them worked full time. When it came to her daughters getting married though she stipulated that they must have their own place.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Mixing cultures and families

                              Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
                              When brothers get married, I always advise them that the new wife will want to make the place her own, redecorate or at least will move all the furniture around. This is just usually in their nature, so moving into a house which is already established with a woman already there there is going to be a clash even with the best of people involved, it's a recipe for disaster when people fall short of this.

                              Brothers, just don't do it. If your family is difficult and you know is going to cause problems for and the new wife and you cannot afford your own place then think again about marrying as in reality you cannot afford it and fulfill the rights of the wife at the same time.
                              Youre right, its like we have to make our own habitat or smt, makes us comfortable i guess
                              In the end we will be home way more then the husband so i guess it would be nice if he let the wife choose the deco and furniture
                              يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                              O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                              Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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