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Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

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    #16
    Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

    I think one of the greatest benefit of marrying back home is preserving your culture, especially language for next generation. My husband and I speak English 90% of the time with eachother. I fear when we have kids, we won't be able to pass down our mother tongue as well as those kids who have one parents from back home. Also the desire to visit back home for us is much lower & we rather travel to different countries vs. other couple who have immediate relatives & reason to visit back home. Because my inlaws went back home after retirement, we still have reasons to visit but from my side not much reason worth visiting. For girls another great benefit is living close to her family, assuming she wants to be close to them.

    There is lot of struggle with marrying back home but what marriage isn't without struggle. I think the discussion should not be focused on first 5 years of marriage when it comes to back home marriage because those are tough years and unique years that will be over come. I am curious to see what other think of marrying back home in long terms, after 10-15-20 years of marriage? Is there a big difference between the spouse from back home after living in west for 10+ years?

    I see my cousin's wife who came to USA in mid 2000's and I can't tell the difference between her & girls who grew up in USA. She has her whole family here, she went to college here, she has a job, friends, she has kids/playdates/trips, she speaks English with some accent but nothing terrible. the only thing different about her is childhood memory in different country. The men on the other hand, I think I see some difference, the difference stays but tbh I don't know enough male to say anything.

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      #17
      Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

      Originally posted by Kya View Post
      I think one of the greatest benefit of marrying back home is preserving your culture, especially language for next generation. My husband and I speak English 90% of the time with eachother. I fear when we have kids, we won't be able to pass down our mother tongue as well as those kids who have one parents from back home. Also the desire to visit back home for us is much lower & we rather travel to different countries vs. other couple who have immediate relatives & reason to visit back home. Because my inlaws went back home after retirement, we still have reasons to visit but from my side not much reason worth visiting. For girls another great benefit is living close to her family, assuming she wants to be close to them.

      There is lot of struggle with marrying back home but what marriage isn't without struggle. I think the discussion should not be focused on first 5 years of marriage when it comes to back home marriage because those are tough years and unique years that will be over come. I am curious to see what other think of marrying back home in long terms, after 10-15-20 years of marriage? Is there a big difference between the spouse from back home after living in west for 10+ years?

      I see my cousin's wife who came to USA in mid 2000's and I can't tell the difference between her & girls who grew up in USA. She has her whole family here, she went to college here, she has a job, friends, she has kids/playdates/trips, she speaks English with some accent but nothing terrible. the only thing different about her is childhood memory in different country. The men on the other hand, I think I see some difference, the difference stays but tbh I don't know enough male to say anything.
      I think your point on language can't be oversold enough especially to pass down culture. Language is a huge part of our identities and makes us different from the native population. You need to make more of an effort to pass it down. I know this because my parents focused on english with my brother and while he speaks it well, he can't communicate in urdu at all as hard as he tries.

      Yes your point on visiting relatives vs other places is well noted. With that said its honestly an easier trip to do with kids then some other destination. Your relatives can look after them etc. Another point is how expensive plane tickets can get for multiple trips in case there's an emergency.

      Yes girls who come over sooner or later adapt 100%. The only difference between them and a girl who's been here is a slight accent which idm personally. It can be cute. Guys I dunno its weird they tend to have more fobby dressing styles and don't seem to exercise at all (not stereotyping just what I've seen). I feel girls face greater pressure to conform overall.

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        #18
        Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

        Originally posted by Sis_Asiya View Post
        Sad.

        Utilitise yout time for something beneficial as opposed to creating stupid threads. You get married wherever Allah swt decrees and to whom Allah swt decrees.

        All these threads are just completely pointless
        yet you're posting in all of them
        شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
        فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
        وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
        ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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          #19
          Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

          I married someone from 'back home' but he had already been in the UK for 3 years for education. I feel that this made a big (positive) difference. He knew the way of life, how I had grown up etc. When we went back for a few years I had a big culture shock and could see how my husband was different from them. Even religious, "educated" people can be weighed down by culture; not all of it is bad but some very blinkered, ignorant ways of thinking. In honesty I don't think I would want my children (who have grown up predominantly in UK) to marry someone outside the UK, unless they had lived here for several years first.

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            #20
            Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

            No, as of now I wouldn't consider marrying a woman from my country. I am repulsed by them (not in the sense of attraction).

            I don't want them.

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              #21
              Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

              Originally posted by s86ahmed View Post
              Yes girls who come over sooner or later adapt 100%. The only difference between them and a girl who's been here is a slight accent which idm personally. It can be cute. Guys I dunno its weird they tend to have more fobby dressing styles and don't seem to exercise at all (not stereotyping just what I've seen). I feel girls face greater pressure to conform overall.
              Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
              I married someone from 'back home' but he had already been in the UK for 3 years for education. I feel that this made a big (positive) difference. He knew the way of life, how I had grown up etc. When we went back for a few years I had a big culture shock and could see how my husband was different from them. .
              I initially made the comments on how guys after living in west for decades still give off fobby vibes but then I immediately remembered I only know 2-3 such guys and that is not a good sample size. The comment from sister Fatimah reminded me that those who come to west on student visa tend to blend in very well with in few years but those who move to USA via marriage can't seem to blend in. I think it has something to do with age of migration. Average girls from back home move to west in their early 20's & adjust very well. Guys who migrate to west in their early 20's adjust well too. But most guys who move to west via marriage process are not in their early 20's, instead most are in late 20's & maybe that is why they never blend in fully. Maybe its not about girls adopt better than guys in west but teenager/early 20's adjust better than late 20's/30 year olds.

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                #22
                Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

                ^I think it might have something to do with education and ethnicity more than age. I found that Asian men who come for marriage and often end up working in kebab shops/family business always seem to retain a 'villagey' type of persona. This isn't so true of those who come for university, who I assume are more educated and perhaps lived in a city rather than village. Obviously I am generalizing though.

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                  #23
                  Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

                  Originally posted by Kya View Post
                  I initially made the comments on how guys after living in west for decades still give off fobby vibes but then I immediately remembered I only know 2-3 such guys and that is not a good sample size. The comment from sister Fatimah reminded me that those who come to west on student visa tend to blend in very well with in few years but those who move to USA via marriage can't seem to blend in. I think it has something to do with age of migration. Average girls from back home move to west in their early 20's & adjust very well. Guys who migrate to west in their early 20's adjust well too. But most guys who move to west via marriage process are not in their early 20's, instead most are in late 20's & maybe that is why they never blend in fully. Maybe its not about girls adopt better than guys in west but teenager/early 20's adjust better than late 20's/30 year olds.
                  Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
                  ^I think it might have something to do with education and ethnicity more than age. I found that Asian men who come for marriage and often end up working in kebab shops/family business always seem to retain a 'villagey' type of persona. This isn't so true of those who come for university, who I assume are more educated and perhaps lived in a city rather than village. Obviously I am generalizing though.
                  Interesting.
                  So what are the differences in people raised abroad and back home?
                  I am talking about the religious ones, since their “lifestyle”.
                  Or is it just having a different accent, not knowing the place or culture?

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                    #24
                    Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

                    Originally posted by Snippets View Post
                    Interesting.
                    So what are the differences in people raised abroad and back home?
                    I am talking about the religious ones, since their “lifestyle”.
                    Or is it just having a different accent, not knowing the place or culture?
                    Nothing to do with accent or knowing their place. I found that my husband was much less narrow minded than his counterparts. He came to the realization that the world did not revolve around their small home town. One of the lovely things about being in the west is mixing with Muslims from all over the world, which 'normalizes' other countries, colours etc. I was completely shocked how racist and othering my family back home were. They would say "of course everyone is made by Allah, but the blacks all have HIV!" and be really sneery about the food of other nationalities. They were looking down at lots of people and had a "don't mix with those lower than you" mentality. My husband himself said that attending a large, multi national university really opened his eyes and let him see people for what they were. rather than the very narrow stereotypes that he grew up with. My family are considered to be religious btw, all are 'educated' but these notions are heavily engrained into people from a very young age and the cycle continues.

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                      #25
                      Re: Modern marriage taboo 3: Marrying back home?

                      Originally posted by horizon View Post
                      :start:

                      As part of the modern taboos people face concerning marriage, I thought it would be good to continue these discussions with (yet) another thread.

                      If you have missed the other 2 threads, here are the links to them:

                      A modern marriage taboo: Can you cook? : http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...o-Can-you-cook

                      Modern marriage taboo 2: Are you educated? : http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthrea...e-you-educated

                      In this thread, we will be discussing the issue(s) of Muslims born/living in the West who have a cultural-identity linked back home in the East. As most of the users on this forum do reside in the West (and have ties back home), this would be applicable to you.

                      A common example of such scenarios includes a UK-born man/woman who has Pakistani parents who relocated to the UK many years ago. This person speaks their home language (Urdu, etc.) fluently and also identifies with the Muslim-Pakistani diaspora in many ways (food, dress, etc.)

                      However, this person also has a lot of distinctly British traits (football bro, fish and chips, etc.) that distinguishes him/herself from the diaspora back 'home'.

                      Questions(You can answer any of the questions and leave out the others):

                      Brothers:

                      1.1) Under what conditions would you consider marrying a woman from your homeland?
                      1.2) Under what conditions WONT you consider marrying a woman from your homeland?

                      2) Do you feel you will face a number of difficulties assimilating your back-home wife to your British/home-country hybrid culture?

                      3) What benefits/issues do you think you will get with marrying a woman from back home?

                      4) Would you treat your back-home wife differently to a local woman (had you married the local woman)?


                      Sisters:



                      All:

                      - Is discussing the matter of "marrying someone from the homeland" even relevant when Islam is the ultimate guide and the differences between Muslims globally should not be that different?
                      1. Sure, I have never been outside the U.S...but my Islamic family members are from Palestine. I just hope she is kind and sweet..
                      1.2 If the young woman said I had to live there...no thanks.

                      2. I would think anyone who has lived in Palestine and comes to the U.S for the 1st time would be in culture shock lol

                      3. Possibly more religious, more of a family person... it's fine if she works, but I mean...not like these women here who put their career 1st over family.

                      4. I think I would be able to communicate better with someone from here; they would understand the culture here, they would know things I would not have to explain to a "back home" person.

                      The last thing; There are no Muslim women in my area to even consider marrying. There is a small community here but no women within 5-8 years of me who are not married.
                      Last edited by Tide2006; 15-11-17, 03:59 AM.

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