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  • How would you deal with an informal setting?

    :salams

    You are invited somewhere and it's a bit intermingled. (This has happened to me twice now) how would you deal with that in someone's family home?

    Would you just explain that you don't mix, even a little bit.

    What if on top of that, you get the feeling that there's some discrete 'checking out' going on and a soft meeting kind of thing. How would you deal with that too?

    :jkk:

  • #2
    Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

    Wa aleiykum salaam

    Ithink the next time you meet with them you should say you prefer not to mix with the men this time and she should understand, but if you come in a new place where u havent been before and u notice men are around you could just ask whoever your with if you can go somewhere more private in the house maybe?
    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

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    • #3
      Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

      :wswrwb:

      Tell them you are uncomfortable with it and would prefer a more formal meeting.

      Checking out? Hmm if he is looking at your body or something like a scumbag he can go back to the scumfill he came from.

      If it's an innocent look then that's fine because he is just looking at you as a potential wife.

      Tbh you don't know what is going on his head :wacko:

      I'm used to these settings, they come to see me, I sit there like some weird statue and job done.

      :rotfl:

      Mil does the checking out.

      Height- check
      Elasticity of skin- check

      I hope that was helpful
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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      • #4
        Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

        :wswrwb:

        I would be upset. The situation where there is a guy checking someone out, trying to make conversation, even if it is supposedly innocent, is disrespectful. I would have gone to the house to socialize with the women I know, to converse, and then find out there are men there and someone who might be interested. Ugh. No. Unfortunately, I would feel duped and would find a way to politely minimize contact with those people, including no more visits. It would feel like a breach of trust.

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        • #5
          Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

          I find it a bit disrespectful to bring someone in completely unaware to be sized up and gawped at by a group of people, unless they are both aware that they are going to be introduced. I don't go to mixed gatherings and neither do my family, but if I were to find myself in that situation and I was aware that there was a plan to 'check me out' I would utilise every form of non-verbal communication to show him that I am completely and utterly oblivious to his presence, and that I couldn't be less interested in him if I tried ( that's always fun). I don't care for approval from strangers, least of all men. If someone's interested they can arrange a formal, respectable meeting, where the 'checking out' will be mutual.

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          • #6
            Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

            Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
            :salams

            You are invited somewhere and it's a bit intermingled. (This has happened to me twice now) how would you deal with that in someone's family home?

            Would you just explain that you don't mix, even a little bit.

            What if on top of that, you get the feeling that there's some discrete 'checking out' going on and a soft meeting kind of thing. How would you deal with that too?

            :jkk:
            :wswrwb:

            You will normally find in many scenarios where there are gatherings that have both men and women (eg. like an Eid gathering of the family). The general principle is for the men and women (non-mahram) to avoid contact as much as possible (which they tend to do by men eating/sitting on 1 side, women on the other).

            If the men and women are sitting/eating/speaking together, this is obviously wrong (again, the non-mahrams).

            As for the part where the event is used as an opportunity to gawk prospects for marriage, if you are unaware of it you may think this is a deception (which it kind of is) but you must also understand that perhaps this is how they operate in their culture (whether that is right or wrong, I don't know - as different cultures do things differently).

            Maybe next time come with your wali and if any Kanye-bro tries to approach you, then direct him to your wali :)

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            • #7
              Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

              Originally posted by AleaIactaEst View Post
              I find it a bit disrespectful to bring someone in completely unaware to be sized up and gawped at by a group of people, unless they are both aware that they are going to be introduced. I don't go to mixed gatherings and neither do my family, but if I were to find myself in that situation and I was aware that there was a plan to 'check me out' I would utilise every form of non-verbal communication to show him that I am completely and utterly oblivious to his presence, and that I couldn't be less interested in him if I tried ( that's always fun). I don't care for approval from strangers, least of all men. If someone's interested they can arrange a formal, respectable meeting, where the 'checking out' will be mutual.
              Interesting. I'd do the same too. It doesn't sound very comfortable at all.

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              • #8
                Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                If you are in close contact with the checking-you-out guy, I would suggest an eye-roll. It works best in getting people put off by you so they will stay away (without even talking).. In the meantime, try to turn your back away from the men and lean more towards the women.

                There will be feelings of guilt inside of you where sometimes it can be hard to be friendly with women/detached with men at the same time. Istighfar works best during these moments.
                Last edited by nudgetheputri; 14-10-17, 04:41 PM.

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                • #9
                  Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                  Go to the kitchen and sort the dishwasher. That might help..
                  Pray. Fast. Zakat. Pilgrimage. Allah.

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                  • #10
                    ...............
                    Last edited by myeverything; 07-12-17, 10:35 AM.
                    How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

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                    • #11
                      ................
                      Last edited by myeverything; 07-12-17, 10:36 AM.
                      How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                        Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                        :salams

                        You are invited somewhere and it's a bit intermingled. (This has happened to me twice now) how would you deal with that in someone's family home?

                        Would you just explain that you don't mix, even a little bit.

                        What if on top of that, you get the feeling that there's some discrete 'checking out' going on and a soft meeting kind of thing. How would you deal with that too?

                        :jkk:
                        :wswrwb:
                        Subhana'Allah, how awkward situation. Can you kindly decline and say it isn't your scene.
                        I wouldn't go, it is so uncomfortable....isn't there any other room where women could eat by themselves ....kitchen.

                        Obviously, they think in their odd ways good for you.."let's find nice boy for her" lol

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                          Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                          :salams

                          You are invited somewhere and it's a bit intermingled. (This has happened to me twice now) how would you deal with that in someone's family home?

                          Would you just explain that you don't mix, even a little bit.

                          What if on top of that, you get the feeling that there's some discrete 'checking out' going on and a soft meeting kind of thing. How would you deal with that too?

                          :jkk:
                          :wswrwb:

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                          • #14
                            Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                            Originally posted by Rifqah View Post
                            :salams

                            You are invited somewhere and it's a bit intermingled. (This has happened to me twice now) how would you deal with that in someone's family home?

                            Would you just explain that you don't mix, even a little bit.

                            What if on top of that, you get the feeling that there's some discrete 'checking out' going on and a soft meeting kind of thing. How would you deal with that too?

                            :jkk:
                            I'm curious by what you're talking about. Are you talking about a social gathering of families like an eid party? A wedding? To me it depends on how much mingling there is. In most cases guys and girls stick to each other at separate tables as far as I know. So yes people can see each other but don't really mix apart from basic pleasantries.

                            If there is checking out going on, I personally don't care as long as its not too overt. You can never be sure what's in people's heads anyway. Just ignore it and move on. Avoid such gatherings in the future if it makes you that uncomfortable.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How would you deal with an informal setting?

                              Just ask when you're invited if this is a mixed event and explain that you don't partake in mixed gatherings. This way you won't be surprised.
                              Ya Rab! When you give me wealth, do not take away my happiness. When you give me strength, do not take away my intelligence. When you give me victory, do not take away my humility. When you give me humility, do not take away my dignity.

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