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With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

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  • With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

    :start:
    :salams

    Allah (swt) is ultimately in control of everything.

    However, on an everyday level with practical issues in marriage. Who is in control of what and of whom? What is too much control and not enough? When does it become controlling in a negative way?

  • #2
    Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

    Walaikumus salaam waRahmatullahi waBarakatuhu.

    I think with the word 'control' you quickly land yourself into a mess. Maybe 'authority' or 'haqq' are more suitable?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

      If wife is a homemaker then she should be in control of the entire domain in the home. Everything from what colour of furniture we buy to how many spices that go into a curry.

      Hubby can of course have his recommendations which may or may not be implemented at the discretion of the wife. :1popcorn:

      Hubby can be in control of what colour car we buy or which school our kids go to.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

        Each person should identify their strengths and take lead in that particular field. Generally women are better with home and kids, men are better with finances and investment.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

          Originally posted by Snippets View Post
          Each person should identify their strengths and take lead in that particular field. Generally women are better with home and kids, men are better with finances and investment.
          you mean RESPONSIBILITIES, who should be responsible for what part of life in a family. As the post above says, look at both persons strength and weakness and assign task accordingly as much as possible. You can break things down in to categories & see who fits best where. Not every man is better with finance than women or every women is better with home than man. you have to see what works for the two individual person involved. Some categories I have seen are

          1) Finance - who is better at remembering to pay the bills on time? Who is better at budgeting and keeping track of expense. It depends
          2) Investment/Saving - who is more interested in saving and investing. Who will spent hours looking for deals to save money or spent hours reading journals to find halal stock to invest in. It depends
          3) Home maintenance - who is better at fixing up the leaky pipe or faulty faucet. especially if you are a home owner, there are lot of maintenance activity in the house. Much more than changing a light bulb, but even for renters there needs to be someone looking for structural issue with the house and dealing with landlord on getting it fixed ASAP
          4) Cleaning the house including laundry - who is better at it? who is home more? Most case its female but if there are kids involved she might not have time & he might be more efficient or get a maid
          5) cooking - Most will say women but there are some men who are better cook than their wife and teaching the wife is hopeless case,. Again depends
          6) Running errands including grocery shopping - who has the time to do this and doesn't mind. Who can run to laundry mat, drycleaner, grocery store, take kids to doctors, drop kids off to school, masjid, soccer practice... in many household its the mens job but if he doesn't have time for all those after work then maybe women are better handling this.
          7) what else am I missing,, oh making phone calls to relative is a big responsibility in my house hold. I hate making calls, it is a real struggle.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

            Islam gives a bit of authority to one gender and the kid who was being bossed around by his mum his entire life now hears that he has the right to be obeyed etc so he runs with it and starts micro-managing his family after marriage or becomes very controlling lol.
            You have women with the same problem too, she wants to control how her husband dresses, what he eats, where he goes, what time he is back, what he does with his money, his time etc.

            Generally the wife is in control of the house and the children, and the husband is control of the entire family/household and their wellbeing. In between these there are grey areas.
            Everybody has their 'red line' you know, the thing that they regard as being 'too much control', it differs.
            In my opinion a wife controlling her husband's free time, his decisions, his finances outside of what he provides for her etc is 'too much', others may disagree. And a husband meddling into the affairs of the home, the cooking, cleaning, children, even the interior design, furniture etc is 'too much'. Leave each person to what they are good at.

            'Not enough' control as a husband could be allowing your wife/children/family to fall of track in their deen and general wellbeing while you just watch from the sidelines instead of making some decisions and having some ground rules in places.

            'not enough control' as a wife is a bit more tricky. I would say not advising your husband when he is falling short in something, not prioritising your children as you should, not looking out for your best interests and instead letting other people's opinions of your marriage influence you can come under not having 'enough control'. Whether that's them telling you to leave a good marriage or stay in a bad one.

            Obviously I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't have experience but this is how I see it right now.
            You can never control the individual himself/herself by force, going down that road leads to a dark place.
            شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
            فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
            وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
            ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

              All major decisions should be made in consultation with one another, with the husband having the final say. And a wise husband allows his wife to have her way in some of these decisions and other times he has to take a stand for the good of the family. These include things such as big purchases, moving houses/cities/countries, switching jobs, kids' names, kids' education, travel, etc.

              For things such as cooking and interior design of the house, then the wife is responsible, but keeping in mind the likes and dislikes of the husband.

              For provisions and financials, the husband is responsible, but keeping in mind the needs and wants of the wife.

              Lot of diplomacy and politics involved in marriage, kids.
              Last edited by abdulsidd; 04-10-17, 09:16 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                Him: Money, keep it coming

                Her: Cooking, keep it edible

                This is just a simplified version but it's not a fit for all

                I agree, it's not about control, just about responsibilities and you knowing which ones you should carry. Team work.

                :zzz:

                Honestly, if people are capable of working with people outside the home, they can work with their spouse to make things successful. It seems money is our only drive that makes us work hard but when it comes to love and being selfless, flipping gel hard work or what

                Hope that was helpful
                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  Him: Money, keep it coming

                  Her: Cooking, keep it edible

                  This is just a simplified version but it's not a fit for all

                  I agree, it's not about control, just about responsibilities and you knowing which ones you should carry. Team work.

                  :zzz:

                  Honestly, if people are capable of working with people outside the home, they can work with their spouse to make things successful. It seems money is our only drive that makes us work hard but when it comes to love and being selfless, flipping gel hard work or what

                  Hope that was helpful
                  Alhamdulillah, well said ukhti. Working together not against each others....not like she or he is your enemy, but loving spouse.:)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                    marriage is about give and take, compromise and understanding, kindness and mercy, that is if both spouses understand marriage within the islamic framework. On an every day level neither should feel they are controlling or being controlled. If either spouse feels particularly strongly about something, it should be discussed in a mature and considered manner, weighing up pros and cons etc in order for an amicable decision to be arrived at. The concept of control should only arise if one or both parties is exceeding the set bounds. Try to avoid marriage to know it alls, arrogants and ego maniacs and you should be fine.
                    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

                    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                      Control? Hmm funny Word to use.I agree with others it's not about controlling but more about shared responsiblilities
                      82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                        Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                        Islam gives a bit of authority to one gender and the kid who was being bossed around by his mum his entire life now hears that he has the right to be obeyed etc so he runs with it and starts micro-managing his family after marriage or becomes very controlling lol.
                        You have women with the same problem too, she wants to control how her husband dresses, what he eats, where he goes, what time he is back, what he does with his money, his time etc.

                        Generally the wife is in control of the house and the children, and the husband is control of the entire family/household and their wellbeing. In between these there are grey areas.
                        Everybody has their 'red line' you know, the thing that they regard as being 'too much control', it differs.
                        In my opinion a wife controlling her husband's free time, his decisions, his finances outside of what he provides for her etc is 'too much', others may disagree. And a husband meddling into the affairs of the home, the cooking, cleaning, children, even the interior design, furniture etc is 'too much'. Leave each person to what they are good at.

                        'Not enough' control as a husband could be allowing your wife/children/family to fall of track in their deen and general wellbeing while you just watch from the sidelines instead of making some decisions and having some ground rules in places.

                        'not enough control' as a wife is a bit more tricky. I would say not advising your husband when he is falling short in something, not prioritising your children as you should, not looking out for your best interests and instead letting other people's opinions of your marriage influence you can come under not having 'enough control'. Whether that's them telling you to leave a good marriage or stay in a bad one.


                        Obviously I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't have experience but this is how I see it right now.
                        You can never control the individual himself/herself by force, going down that road leads to a dark place.
                        I'm not really referring to tasks and responsibilities but more what this sister has posted above.

                        As I read, these things seem to cause problems in the marriage threads. A woman or a man overstepping their boundaries and upsetting the balance for the other person.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                          Many areas mentioned are addressed in Islam. I believe major issues begin when secular versus Islamic values meet. For example, a woman has her own income, and her husband wants to split it. Money is a common feuding point, but in a case such as this, we have the answer. He may be influenced by where he’s living, friends, etc. Another example would be a woman going out with makeup or perfume, and her husband says no. This man’s behavior could be viewed as controlling to one and loving to another. From an Islamic perspective, this is loving behavior. Having said that, the foundation of advice may be correct, but one must look at the delivery of the advice. That is yet another troublesome area. This topic really is why, in my opinion, it’s crucial for a married couple to have the same belief system, be it Islam, Christianity, etc., as this sets a guideline, or third party if you will, to be the deciding factor.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                            The mother in law. Obviously.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: With regards to the married couple, who should be in control and of what?

                              Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                              Islam gives a bit of authority to one gender and the kid who was being bossed around by his mum his entire life now hears that he has the right to be obeyed etc so he runs with it and starts micro-managing his family after marriage or becomes very controlling lol.
                              You have women with the same problem too, she wants to control how her husband dresses, what he eats, where he goes, what time he is back, what he does with his money, his time etc.

                              Generally the wife is in control of the house and the children, and the husband is control of the entire family/household and their wellbeing. In between these there are grey areas.
                              Everybody has their 'red line' you know, the thing that they regard as being 'too much control', it differs.
                              In my opinion a wife controlling her husband's free time, his decisions, his finances outside of what he provides for her etc is 'too much', others may disagree. And a husband meddling into the affairs of the home, the cooking, cleaning, children, even the interior design, furniture etc is 'too much'. Leave each person to what they are good at.

                              'Not enough' control as a husband could be allowing your wife/children/family to fall of track in their deen and general wellbeing while you just watch from the sidelines instead of making some decisions and having some ground rules in places.

                              'not enough control' as a wife is a bit more tricky. I would say not advising your husband when he is falling short in something, not prioritising your children as you should, not looking out for your best interests and instead letting other people's opinions of your marriage influence you can come under not having 'enough control'. Whether that's them telling you to leave a good marriage or stay in a bad one.

                              Obviously I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't have experience but this is how I see it right now.
                              You can never control the individual himself/herself by force, going down that road leads to a dark place.
                              Can I just have the wife be in charge do everything and I just chill?
                              I'll go to work but that's about it....ill keep that cash coming in. I just wanna do my own thing.

                              Comment

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