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Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

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  • #61
    Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

    Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
    Well firstly, I didn't really say anything about his manhood as whole, maybe I touched on some aspects of it which he may possibly be missing. That's my opinion. I don't know what the agreed upon definition of a 'real man' is but a man whose thinking straight wouldn't send his mother to deal with another man (the girl's wali). Maybe it's normal in some cultures to do it this way, or maybe his mother will talk to her mother, I don't know, but it doesn't sit right. His mother can suggest people but he should take initiative.

    As if I would encourage messaging random women. There's nothing stopping him from getting in contact with her wali himself or at least getting his father or other male relatives involved to speak to her wali.
    It's not haram to express interest in someone, I don't think the sahaba sent their mothers round to speak to potentials and marry them off either, I'm pretty sure they took charge of that themselves by going straight to the wali or the family.
    In a lot of cultures the men of both potentials speak to each other and the women of both potentials speak to each other in order to vet respective families out. Only once the vetting is done do the potentials get to see and speak to each other in the presence of wali or both families. Then it proceeds if it's destined to do so. This is a much more reliable and respectable way of doing things as it shows commitment and the correct intent otherwise why would someone bring their family round to others house? Also there will be background checks in the community being carried out. The female shouldn't have to do the groundwork ie the vetting
    82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

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    • #62
      Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

      Originally posted by Sis_Asiya View Post
      In a lot of cultures the men of both potentials speak to each other and the women of both potentials speak to each other in order to vet respective families out. Only once the vetting is done do the potentials get to see and speak to each other in the presence of wali or both families. Then it proceeds if it's destined to do so. This is a much more reliable and respectable way of doing things as it shows commitment and the correct intent otherwise why would someone bring their family round to others house? Also there will be background checks in the community being carried out. The female shouldn't have to do the groundwork ie the vetting
      But it's mostly lead by the men from both sides usually, especially the man's side. The mother can talk to the daughter but when they go over to the girl's house, she has to take a back seat and let her son continue it from there. Some mothers don't do that.
      These days I see the children bringing the potentials to their parents rather than the parents bringing the potentials to their kids.

      'vetting' means different things from place to place, in some places vetting is about your family name/lineage or what village you come from. Sometimes parents (who grew up back home) and children (who grew up in the west) don't have the same idea/definition of 'vetting' so maybe it's not always wise to leave that aspect all to the parents.
      شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
      فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
      وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
      ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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      • #63
        Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
        But his mother isn't dealing with her wali. Unless I missed something? She's just talking with the OP.

        Usually what happens is the mother talks to the girl's mother, and then they get both families to agree to a meeting.

        I know women generally like it when the guy shows a clear, direct interest in them. Is that what bothers you? I can see how this can be misconstrued as him lacking initiative or even not being interested. But it's clear he's interested since he agreed to a meeting.
        The worry for some sisters is that his mother is the overbearing type and that he lacks the confidence to run his own affairs. And that he doesn't know what he wants in a wife, his mother might be picking potentials based on her idea of what a good wife is. Maybe you guys are right about the initial stages, maybe it's not a big deal if the mother gets in contact with someone for her son but after that it should be him leading the process. Otherwise it comes across like his mother will forever be intruding into the marriage just like she did in the marriage process and he may not be able to find a balance between wife and mother. A common problem.

        It's not so much about interest or lack of interest imo, it's more about seeing how independent he is, how he communicates with her family, how he makes decisions etc.
        شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
        فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
        وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
        ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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        • #64
          Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

          Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
          But it's mostly lead by the men from both sides usually, especially the man's side. The mother can talk to the daughter but when they go over to the girl's house, she has to take a back seat and let her son continue it from there. Some mothers don't do that.
          These days I see the children bringing the potentials to their parents rather than the parents bringing the potentials to their kids.

          'vetting' means different things from place to place, in some places vetting is about your family name/lineage or what village you come from. Sometimes parents (who grew up back home) and children (who grew up in the west) don't have the same idea/definition of 'vetting' so maybe it's not always wise to leave that aspect all to the parents.
          I disagree. I think it's wiser to leave it to the parents they have more network links contacts more knowledge generally of the world and won't be easily fooled whereas a potential may not have those resources to hand.

          Also the son doesn't take over like I said previously both sets of parents or elders do most of the talking then the guy gets to ask questions to the female in the presence of either everyone or just her wali. Generally that's the norm
          82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

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          • #65
            Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

            Originally posted by Sis_Asiya View Post
            I disagree. I think it's wiser to leave it to the parents they have more network links contacts more knowledge generally of the world and won't be easily fooled whereas a potential may not have those resources to hand.

            Also the son doesn't take over like I said previously both sets of parents or elders do most of the talking then the guy gets to ask questions to the female in the presence of either everyone or just her wali. Generally that's the norm
            depends on age too, an 18 year old isn't the same as a 28 year old.
            شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
            فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
            وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
            ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

            Comment


            • #66
              Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

              Originally posted by LA3 View Post
              AsSalaamu Alaikum

              I don't think this is an absolutely terrible thing as if this is genuine, then it does sound beautiful. It looks as if you're already head over heels with his picture, so we can't say much there.

              The only place I'd ask you to be cautious in, as I would advise my own sister in this situation, be very aware of how much control the potentials parents have over his life. Many women have ended up marrying their husbands mum as well as their husband, and that won't be a problem if you like love triangles. Just a heads up.

              As a general rule, you don't know anything about someone you've only conversed with online. Don't go on feelings or vibes. Whatever the mother has said, test the son on these questions. Please do your background checks and don't be wooed by the perfect family picture. Those are the ones with the biggest skeletons in the closet. I know of a sister who fell for the trap of the family acting religious and they blatantly lied about it all to her face.

              We really do want you to get married, only giving you sincere advice as its your right. May Allah grant you success in your marriage.
              Well said.

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