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Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

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  • #46
    Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

    Originally posted by _Sapphire View Post
    Just because he doesn't want to talk to her online doesn't mean he isn't ready. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to lots of women online, because it may take a while to find someone. I actually find it better that they're two women speaking to each other because they may talk more freely and ask questions. Being behind a screen doesn't mean you lose your haya.

    Just sayin :D
    I still don't buy it. This isn't a situation to be shy in. There's no face to face contact, you're just dropping a message to a sister registering your interest in her for marriage. That's it.


    If you get shy about something as miniscule as that, then boyyy ohhh boyyy, God help him on his first night.
    They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

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    • #47
      Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

      AsSalaamu Alaikum

      I don't think this is an absolutely terrible thing as if this is genuine, then it does sound beautiful. It looks as if you're already head over heels with his picture, so we can't say much there.

      The only place I'd ask you to be cautious in, as I would advise my own sister in this situation, be very aware of how much control the potentials parents have over his life. Many women have ended up marrying their husbands mum as well as their husband, and that won't be a problem if you like love triangles. Just a heads up.

      As a general rule, you don't know anything about someone you've only conversed with online. Don't go on feelings or vibes. Whatever the mother has said, test the son on these questions. Please do your background checks and don't be wooed by the perfect family picture. Those are the ones with the biggest skeletons in the closet. I know of a sister who fell for the trap of the family acting religious and they blatantly lied about it all to her face.

      We really do want you to get married, only giving you sincere advice as its your right. May Allah grant you success in your marriage.

      Comment


      • #48
        Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

        Assalamu alaykum wr wb,

        This is not a respond to the OP but a question on a side note. Can a man and a woman even talk by themselves on matrimonials because a lot of repliers here are okay with that and Islam is strict about a woman and a man not talking alone?

        Like how some people are saying that a man is not in control until he speaks for himself but I feel that a man who has not been with a female alone privately should not be so forward with a potential normally, no?
        Last edited by Climbing; 03-10-17, 08:46 PM.

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        • #49
          Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

          In terms of online stuff i would guess its not common but I wouldn't describe it as abnormal...the guy may just be protecting himself from unnecessary situations which is kind of sensible. However, for what its worth my inkling is that the odds are against you being a match. In any case, by all means have your meeting and you should have the opportunity to ask him directly why he chose the initial interactions to be with his mother. Also be frank and clear about yourself and also your expections of your spouse and married life etc etc and listen carefully to his answers and the kind of questions he asks you. As mentioned get your family to do some background checks and find out as much as possible about him. If you think he has potential you may consider the services of a private investigator.
          Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

          None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

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          • #50
            Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

            Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
            sounds dodgy, you don't even know their names, how are you meeting someone whose name you don't know
            and the fact that his mother is running his affairs and acting like his 'wali' says a lot, that has nothing to do with being shy, sounds more like a problem with his character, a major problem.
            He can't lead his own way through the marriage process, how is he going to lead a family.
            Yeah, what a loser. He should be messaging non mahram women himself like a real man.

            Comment


            • #51
              Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              Yeah, what a loser. He should be messaging non mahram women himself like a real man.
              So let me get this straight, are you saying the guy would be sinful if he messaged her saying something along the lines of:

              "Salam sister, I saw your profile and based on what your interests and what you're looking for in a husband I think that we would be compatible, could I get your walis number so we could perhaps have a meeting to get to know each other a bit more." Something like that.

              Straight to the point. You telling me that's sinful?
              They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

              Comment


              • #52
                Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                Originally posted by ibzy View Post
                So let me get this straight, are you saying the guy would be sinful if he messaged her saying something along the lines of:

                "Salam sister, I saw your profile and based on what your interests and what you're looking for in a husband I think that we would be compatible, could I get your walis number so we could perhaps have a meeting to get to know each other a bit more." Something like that.

                Straight to the point. You telling me that's sinful?
                No. But I am more so making fun of the idea that he is not a real man if he chooses to take the safer route and have his mother talk to these women and set up meetings on his behalf.

                Comment


                • #53
                  Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                  Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                  No. But I am more so making fun of the idea that he is not a real man if he chooses to take the safer route and have his mother talk to these women and set up meetings on his behalf.
                  I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that matter.
                  They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                    Originally posted by Climbing View Post
                    Assalamu alaykum wr wb,

                    This is not a respond to the OP but a question on a side note. Can a man and a woman even talk by themselves on matrimonials because a lot of repliers here are okay with that and Islam is strict about a woman and a man not talking alone?

                    Like how some people are saying that a man is not in control until he speaks for himself but I feel that a man who has not been with a female alone privately should not be so forward with a potential normally, no?
                    I was also thinking this. As even when asking a women something in relation to a marriage it has to be in the presence of a wali. Yet people here seem to think it's perfectly fine just communicating online. Ajeeb
                    82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                      Originally posted by ibzy View Post
                      So let me get this straight, are you saying the guy would be sinful if he messaged her saying something along the lines of:

                      "Salam sister, I saw your profile and based on what your interests and what you're looking for in a husband I think that we would be compatible, could I get your walis number so we could perhaps have a meeting to get to know each other a bit more." Something like that.

                      Straight to the point. You telling me that's sinful?
                      And when 2 people are alone shaytaan is the 3rd person u could have good intentions but a couple sweet words could lead to tenptations not being resisted

                      So thats why a wali should be present
                      To prevent any haram happening
                      Also is there a harm to a wali being present no so why why not

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                        Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                        And when 2 people are alone shaytaan is the 3rd person u could have good intentions but a couple sweet words could lead to tenptations not being resisted

                        So thats why a wali should be present
                        To prevent any haram happening
                        Also is there a harm to a wali being present no so why why not
                        Yeah thats what i meant by the meeting, a wali should be present
                        They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                          Yeah, what a loser. He should be messaging non mahram women himself like a real man.
                          Well firstly, I didn't really say anything about his manhood as whole, maybe I touched on some aspects of it which he may possibly be missing. That's my opinion. I don't know what the agreed upon definition of a 'real man' is but a man whose thinking straight wouldn't send his mother to deal with another man (the girl's wali). Maybe it's normal in some cultures to do it this way, or maybe his mother will talk to her mother, I don't know, but it doesn't sit right. His mother can suggest people but he should take initiative.

                          As if I would encourage messaging random women. There's nothing stopping him from getting in contact with her wali himself or at least getting his father or other male relatives involved to speak to her wali.
                          It's not haram to express interest in someone, I don't think the sahaba sent their mothers round to speak to potentials and marry them off either, I'm pretty sure they took charge of that themselves by going straight to the wali or the family.
                          Last edited by Rumaysah~; 04-10-17, 02:29 AM.
                          شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                          فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                          وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                          ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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                          • #58
                            Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                            Theres no harm in him getting his mothet to communicate with her

                            Alao since its online its different to physically going up to someone and asking them but online there is a big chance of fitna if one person is not religious so getting his mother to initially speak is wise

                            I dunno bout the not saying name thing thats weird

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                              Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                              Well firstly, I didn't really say anything about his manhood as whole, maybe I touched on some aspects of it which he may possibly be missing. That's my opinion. I don't know what the agreed upon definition of a 'real man' is but a man whose thinking straight wouldn't send his mother to deal with another man (the girl's wali). Maybe it's normal in some cultures to do it this way, or maybe his mother will talk to her mother, I don't know, but it doesn't sit right. His mother can suggest people but he should take initiative.

                              As if I would encourage messaging random women. There's nothing stopping him from getting in contact with her wali himself or at least getting his father or other male relatives involved to speak to her wali.
                              It's not haram to express interest in someone, I don't think the sahaba sent their mothers round to speak to potentials and marry them off either, I'm pretty sure they took charge of that themselves by going straight to the wali or the family.
                              But his mother isn't dealing with her wali. Unless I missed something? She's just talking with the OP.

                              Usually what happens is the mother talks to the girl's mother, and then they get both families to agree to a meeting.

                              I know women generally like it when the guy shows a clear, direct interest in them. Is that what bothers you? I can see how this can be misconstrued as him lacking initiative or even not being interested. But it's clear he's interested since he agreed to a meeting.

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                Re: Online: Marriage prospect's mother contacts me on his behalf, is this normal?

                                Originally posted by LA3 View Post
                                AsSalaamu Alaikum

                                I don't think this is an absolutely terrible thing as if this is genuine, then it does sound beautiful. It looks as if you're already head over heels with his picture, so we can't say much there.

                                The only place I'd ask you to be cautious in, as I would advise my own sister in this situation, be very aware of how much control the potentials parents have over his life. Many women have ended up marrying their husbands mum as well as their husband, and that won't be a problem if you like love triangles. Just a heads up.

                                As a general rule, you don't know anything about someone you've only conversed with online. Don't go on feelings or vibes. Whatever the mother has said, test the son on these questions. Please do your background checks and don't be wooed by the perfect family picture. Those are the ones with the biggest skeletons in the closet. I know of a sister who fell for the trap of the family acting religious and they blatantly lied about it all to her face.

                                We really do want you to get married, only giving you sincere advice as its your right. May Allah grant you success in your marriage.
                                ^ This is good advice.

                                The fact that he communicates with you through his mother is not really a problem (although to be fair I would be uncomfortable too), but the fact that you don't even know his name is so bizarre to me. In any case, make sure your wali does a thorough background check on the family before you proceed with the marriage.

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