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  • Advice please. I am so lost :(

    AOA,

    I am 26 years old and I am pharmacist graduating next year.
    Unforunately I know we still live in this male dominate society where the guy still has the upper hand to choose his life partner first.
    My parents always been open minded regarding my choice of partner. I always liked someone from my childhood. He knew it however he said just as friend (27).
    Because he said he is not equivalent to my standards. I used to bump into at the supermarkets etc...I was born premature with a shunt from my brain to tummy and my parents wanted a Medical Professional for me maybe because of my health. But I think this is so unfair to me. Maybe the guy I liked was scared of my health or he was a only son out of 3 sisters.

    There is a guy from Pakistan who is a dentist (29). He is ready to marry me. Family of 2 brothers and 2 sisters. His another brother is a Vet doctor. I haven't see his image yet just chatted and talked over the phone. He said told me that has pass DMAT exam in order to practice in US. He wants to be a orthodontist, open his own clinic after some recognition etc.... He seems like a good person and talks to me daily. He doesn't drink or smoke. He says "You must be a beautiful pharmacist and Allah bless you. He has talked with me about some long planning kids, family, career, etc. He knows about my health condition and he said we will ask the neurologist for a nod. Another thing he mentioned was that he said only a educated men will understand you.
    My parents know him from Pakistan. He might come next year on graduation too. I just find it weird to marry a guy back home since I am born in US.

    Majority of my medical professional females friends are getting married to another medical professional like Doctor & Doctor, Pharmacist & Doctor who they knew couple years before finalizing . But I liked a guy who didn't have a profession just a simple guy.

  • #2
    Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

    Were you born with fluid build up in your brain?
    'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
    Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
    علي الحبشي

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

      yes

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

        Originally posted by Sirius View Post
        Were you born with fluid build up in your brain?
        yes

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

          Originally posted by Rubina07 View Post
          yes
          May Allah make things easy for you.

          Marry for character and deen firstly. Be kind to your parents but decisive at the same time. You marry someone for companionship not so they are your physician. They deal with all that headache at work. Trust me, home is meant to be a way to get away from all that.
          'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
          Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
          علي الحبشي

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

            I'm not sure why you think a medical profession is unfair to you? I think being a pharmacist is a great career, very well respected, and clearly your family wanted a bright future for you! At least if marriage never happens, you will not be living on the street! You'll be able to sponsor yourself... look around how many girls out there haven't gotten married and are just sitting at home waiting for the superhero to come along!

            Would you mind elaborating why you think it is unfair? Do you feel if you were uneducated the supermarket guy will accept you? Maybe he just used your career as an excuse? If the guy wanted you, there is nothing that will be in the way of this. Sadly it seems clearly, feelings are from one side. Get him out of your mind, its better for you to think he rejected you because of your health issues and re-adjust your feelings accordingly, than to think your parents have made a mistake making a success story out of you which led to this guy rejecting you! He's not worth your time.. Anyone who rejects you for any valid or invalid reason, is not worth your time.

            I also don't understand what "being friends" is for? You shouldn't be friending someone like that, start going to another supermarket and avoid seeing his face.

            I think you need to give yourself a chance to breath... jumping into marriage when you aren't ready to let go of the other guy, is not a good idea...

            Anyway, the other guy from Pakistan, I suggest you tell him to get his visa sorted out, and when he's here you both will review...
            Last edited by malleat1; 12-06-17, 01:59 PM.
            *
            *
            * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

              Originally posted by malleat1 View Post
              I'm not sure why you think a medical profession is unfair to you? I think being a pharmacist is a great career, very well respected, and clearly your family wanted a bright future for you! At least if marriage never happens, you will not be living on the street! You'll be able to sponsor yourself... look around how many girls out there haven't gotten married and are just sitting at home waiting for the superhero to come along!

              Would you mind elaborating why you think it is unfair? Do you feel if you were uneducated the supermarket guy will accept you? Maybe he just used your career as an excuse? If the guy wanted you, there is nothing that will be in the way of this. Sadly it seems clearly, feelings are from one side. Get him out of your mind, its better for you to think he rejected you because of your health issues and re-adjust your feelings accordingly, than to think your parents have made a mistake making a success story out of you which led to this guy rejecting you! He's not worth your time.. Anyone who rejects you for any valid or invalid reason, is not worth your time.

              I also don't understand what "being friends" is for? You shouldn't be friending someone like that, start going to another supermarket and avoid seeing his face.

              I think you need to give yourself a chance to breath... jumping into marriage when you aren't ready to let go of the other guy, is not a good idea...

              Anyway, the other guy from Pakistan, I suggest you tell him to get his visa sorted out, and when he's here you both will review...
              Not a very nice way to say about women who choose to be housewives.They are equally deserving of respect even when they choose not to be indepedant. After all, it is their Islamic right for Muslim women to be provided for by their caretakers.

              Those "sitting at home waiting" are prob memorising quran or reading up on their Islamic duties to make sure they are well informed of their duties and rights. And this should be encouraged too
              Last edited by nudgetheputri; 12-06-17, 04:37 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
                Not a very nice way to say about women who choose to be housewives.They are equally deserving of respect even when they choose not to be indepedant. After all, it is their Islamic right for Muslim women to be provided for by their caretakers.

                Those "sitting at home waiting" are prob memorising quran or reading up on their Islamic duties to make sure they are well informed of their duties and rights. And this should be encouraged too
                Honestly not many do the bolded part and just because you're not a career minded individual doesn't mean you have to stay at home a lot. I mean we will be accountable for our free time.
                وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


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                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                  Originally posted by nudgetheputri View Post
                  Not a very nice way to say about women who choose to be housewives.They are equally deserving of respect even when they choose not to be indepedant. After all, it is their Islamic right for Muslim women to be provided for by their caretakers.

                  Those "sitting at home waiting" are prob memorising quran or reading up on their Islamic duties to make sure they are well informed of their duties and rights. And this should be encouraged too
                  I think you've missed the point. Waiting for something that may happen and may not happen is a risk. Choosing to be a housewife doesn't mean while you're waiting to be a housewife you don't try to secure your future. Who knows for how long your parents will be around to support you, and who knows if your brothers will ever knock on the door to check on you. These days brothers are too busy with their wives and children.
                  Having an alternative option is a survival technique.

                  I have said before in this forum I have nothing against anyone actually full time committed to study sharia to spread it amongst other women and be useful to others or those full time bringing up children or taking care of their older parents who can't help themselves. But anyone who's sitting down just waiting like that, no. You have a duty towards your Muslim community to be an effective member who brings in a value.
                  Last edited by malleat1; 12-06-17, 05:37 PM.
                  *
                  *
                  * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                    Originally posted by malleat1 View Post
                    I think you've missed the point. Waiting for something that may happen and may not happen is a risk. Choosing to be a housewife doesn't mean while you're waiting to be a housewife you don't try to secure your future. Who knows for how long your parents will be around to support you, and who knows if your brothers will ever knock on the door to check on you. These days brothers are too busy with their wives and children.
                    Having an alternative option is a survival technique.

                    I have said before in this forum I have nothing against anyone actually full time committed to study sharia or those full time bringing up children or taking care of their older parents who can't help themselves. But anyone who's sitting down just waiting like that, no.
                    I see what you mean. It's good to be realistic by securing yourself financially. Its just that there are circumstances that can put women off the workforce and they have to be dependant. And also I was refuting the stereotype that housewives are lazy and aren't productive, which I inferred from user's post.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                      Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post
                      Honestly not many do the bolded part and just because you're not a career minded individual doesn't mean you have to stay at home a lot. I mean we will be accountable for our free time.
                      True. It depends on the woman..

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                        Originally posted by Rubina07 View Post
                        AOA,

                        I am 26 years old and I am pharmacist graduating next year.
                        Unforunately I know we still live in this male dominate society where the guy still has the upper hand to choose his life partner first.
                        My parents always been open minded regarding my choice of partner. I always liked someone from my childhood. He knew it however he said just as friend (27).
                        Because he said he is not equivalent to my standards. I used to bump into at the supermarkets etc...I was born premature with a shunt from my brain to tummy and my parents wanted a Medical Professional for me maybe because of my health. But I think this is so unfair to me. Maybe the guy I liked was scared of my health or he was a only son out of 3 sisters.

                        There is a guy from Pakistan who is a dentist (29). He is ready to marry me. Family of 2 brothers and 2 sisters. His another brother is a Vet doctor. I haven't see his image yet just chatted and talked over the phone. He said told me that has pass DMAT exam in order to practice in US. He wants to be a orthodontist, open his own clinic after some recognition etc.... He seems like a good person and talks to me daily. He doesn't drink or smoke. He says "You must be a beautiful pharmacist and Allah bless you. He has talked with me about some long planning kids, family, career, etc. He knows about my health condition and he said we will ask the neurologist for a nod. Another thing he mentioned was that he said only a educated men will understand you.
                        My parents know him from Pakistan. He might come next year on graduation too. I just find it weird to marry a guy back home since I am born in US.

                        Majority of my medical professional females friends are getting married to another medical professional like Doctor & Doctor, Pharmacist & Doctor who they knew couple years before finalizing . But I liked a guy who didn't have a profession just a simple guy.
                        I don't quite understand what advice you are looking for.

                        You complain about a "male dominant society" but you have received a good proposal from a man already.

                        The first man (your childhood acquaintance) turned you away (for whatever reason). You shouldn't dwell on those reasons. The other man seems like a good suitor and it is up to you and your family to evaluate his sincerity.

                        There are many fickle people in this world (who reject others for the smallest of ailments/disabilities). You are fortunate that even though the man is aware of your condition, it hasn't turned him away (I say fortunate because a lot of other men/women seeking marriage get turned away due to medical issues out of their control).

                        If this guy is sincere, then it shouldn't matter if he is Pakistani (or anything else).

                        From what you have said, it kind of seems like you ideally wanted some idealized "power couple" matching of doctor/pharmacist.

                        I'm not sure how else you can be helped, except to say that you should pursue this opportunity and see where it goes.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                          Originally posted by Sirius View Post
                          May Allah make things easy for you.

                          Marry for character and deen firstly. Be kind to your parents but decisive at the same time. You marry someone for companionship not so they are your physician. They deal with all that headache at work. Trust me, home is meant to be a way to get away from all that.
                          This guy said to me after marriage he prefer physical relationship with "protection" like once a week. But no pregnancy due to the shunt. He doesn't want any harm to my health. I said its okay without protection. If something happens they will replace the shunt if it gets malfunctioned during pregnancy. He said No and said Marriage is not just about having a baby.
                          He said he wants to explore the world with me. Go places, movies, vacations, eat outside. Just spend time with the partner. He said he wants physical intimacy because its a natural need for you and me.

                          He has goals about this career too.


                          Now I am confused about this guy?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                            Originally posted by Rubina07 View Post
                            This guy said to me after marriage he prefer physical relationship with "protection" like once a week. But no pregnancy due to the shunt. He doesn't want any harm to my health. I said its okay without protection. If something happens they will replace the shunt if it gets malfunctioned during pregnancy. He said No and said Marriage is not just about having a baby.
                            He said he wants to explore the world with me. Go places, movies, vacations, eat outside. Just spend time with the partner. He said he wants physical intimacy because its a natural need for you and me.

                            He has goals about this career too.


                            Now I am confused about this guy?
                            Well if you want kids and he does'nt the its a big decision factor. Think about that..

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Advice please. I am so lost :(

                              In a marriage it is a spouses marital right to have a child so a man cant deny a wife who wants to have kids

                              Comment

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