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  • trust issues

    :salams:

    i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:

  • #2
    Re: trust issues

    Originally posted by Qiyaas View Post
    :salams:

    i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:
    i have the same with cunning women lol or women who are not religious but before marriage act all religious etc but i think we need to stop being doubtful and make istikhara and be wise with who we choose and one day i know ill have to marry and if i have this idea of everyone is a [Edited - AA] then i doubt ill go very far
    Last edited by Abu 'Abdullaah; 02-06-17, 06:02 PM.

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    • #3
      Re: trust issues

      when u look around u, do you really see 100% of ALL men like that? If you start to count the awful ones and the ones you've not heard much about, what do u really see?
      I doubt you'll see 100% evil. This can't be true. Yes I see lots of divorced families around me, which does scare me too, but that's not 100%. It is precisely 40%... so I feel I have 60% chance of a good person.

      Try not to look at the evil side only and project on it. There are so many stories that spread around because sadly that's what gets spread around. People don't talk about good examples, neither do good examples make noise about their peaceful marriages.
      *
      *
      * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: trust issues

        Originally posted by Qiyaas View Post
        :salams:

        i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:
        Sister you need to have Tawakkal... put your trust in Allah.

        Anything can happen in a marriage which is why you need to take care of yourself first. Work on strengthening yourself and your relationship with Allah. No one knows what married life will be like or if the person you marry will change or not during the marriage... you can't control that... all you can do is control how you deal with situations and that comes down to personal awareness.

        If you know you have trust issues thats a good start because now you can think about how to work through it. It's like strengthening the foundation before you build a house. At the moment your foundation is sand so anything you try and build on it will crumble because you are already imagining it crumbling. Once your foundation is strong, you can start building.

        Strengthen your relationship with Allah and know that what is meant for you will not pass you and what is not meant for you will not reach out no matter what.

        Our strength is determined by how we manage the situations we are in and you won't know your strength until you are actually in the situation.

        May Allah grant you a righteous, kind and loving husband.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: trust issues

          Originally posted by Qiyaas View Post
          :salams:

          i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:
          :wswrwb:

          Make dua, look for a good husband, and leave the rest to Allah. That's all you can do, really.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: trust issues

            Wa aleiykum salaam

            I have the same problem but u have to make sure u get married to a religious man and trust Allah thats all
            يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

            O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

            Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: trust issues

              Assalaamu Alaikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

              Your concerns are very valid especially since you seem to have seen a lot of bad things around you. Most maybe unsuitable to your needs but there are good men around and they are from those who have taqwa. Pray to Allah ‎ﷻ in Tahajjud. Cry and beg. And don't marry just because you have to marry. Marrying is encouraged and part of Sunnah but marrying the wrong guy is dhulm on self.

              Make your list of questions to ask the possible groom. Ask around about him, colleagues, friends, etc. Put conditions in the marriage contract to protect yourself from possible dhulm. Little known fact isn't it? Islam has protected women but women themselves don't know how about it.

              May Allah ‎ﷻ protect You and grant you a loving husband. Aameen.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: trust issues

                Originally posted by Qiyaas View Post
                :salams:

                i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:
                Now imagine how a man will feel when he reads that?

                It is a scary thing to say you will sabotage your marriage and ruin the mans life, regardless of who is he and what his intentions are.

                You should first correct yourself (your intentions and strengthen your taqwa) before you seek a marriage-partner.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: trust issues

                  simple. dont worry about what ur husband may or may not do. thats not in ur control. only focus on being the best wife u can be. i think if ur good to them and do ur research before marriage then u should avoid such men.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: trust issues

                    وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله و بركاته

                    Dear respected sister,

                    1) Research - Don't get married to any Tom and Harry. Let your family do their checks. You do yours. Try to get as much info on the person as you can. But reality is you will never truly know a person until you live with them. Even then some can put an act on until for years until the mask falls off and you see their real nature.

                    2) Priorities - Ask yourself why you want to get married. Is it because you want to complete your deen and have kids and settle down or is it because you feel you need to get married as you are getting on a little bit and you feel pressure from society and family to get married as you are getting older. Don't just get married for the sake of it. Get married for the right reasond with the right intentions.

                    3) Duaa - Once you feel you are ready to get married. Make lots and lots of duaa. Duaa is a weapon for the believer. Cry in sujood. Ask Allah to give you a righteous spouse. And ask Him to cure you from your lack of trust.

                    4) Tahajjud - Whilst the world is sleeping you get up and get to Allah. Talk to him. And tell him how you feel. Tell him to open doors for you.

                    5) Chance - If a good proposal comes for you. Don't let your doubts get in the way and ruin your chances. Give the guy a chance. Ask questions. Ask him what He is looking for in marriage etc and if you feel you have the same outlook on life go for it.

                    6) Istikhara - do Istikhara to help you make your decision.

                    7) Stereotypes - A lot of us stereotype us women that we don't know how to cook or drive. And that can be annoying because I am good at both Alhamdulillah to a very good standard. The way we don't like men making critical judgement and stereotyping we need to stop it too. Not all men are the same in the same way not all women are the same.

                    8) Be positive. Don't let your doubts and past affect your present and future.

                    A lot more to say on this but almost iftaar time so maybe some other time I'll continue giving my thoughts...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: trust issues

                      Originally posted by Muslimahghuraba View Post
                      وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله و بركاته

                      Dear respected sister,

                      1) Research - Don't get married to any Tom and Harry. Let your family do their checks. You do yours. Try to get as much info on the person as you can. But reality is you will never truly know a person until you live with them. Even then some can put an act on until for years until the mask falls off and you see their real nature.

                      2) Priorities - Ask yourself why you want to get married. Is it because you want to complete your deen and have kids and settle down or is it because you feel you need to get married as you are getting on a little bit and you feel pressure from society and family to get married as you are getting older. Don't just get married for the sake of it. Get married for the right reasond with the right intentions.

                      3) Duaa - Once you feel you are ready to get married. Make lots and lots of duaa. Duaa is a weapon for the believer. Cry in sujood. Ask Allah to give you a righteous spouse. And ask Him to cure you from your lack of trust.

                      4) Tahajjud - Whilst the world is sleeping you get up and get to Allah. Talk to him. And tell him how you feel. Tell him to open doors for you.

                      5) Chance - If a good proposal comes for you. Don't let your doubts get in the way and ruin your chances. Give the guy a chance. Ask questions. Ask him what He is looking for in marriage etc and if you feel you have the same outlook on life go for it.

                      6) Istikhara - do Istikhara to help you make your decision.

                      7) Stereotypes - A lot of us stereotype us women that we don't know how to cook or drive. And that can be annoying because I am good at both Alhamdulillah to a very good standard. The way we don't like men making critical judgement and stereotyping we need to stop it too. Not all men are the same in the same way not all women are the same.

                      8) Be positive. Don't let your doubts and past affect your present and future.

                      A lot more to say on this but almost iftaar time so maybe some other time I'll continue giving my thoughts...
                      Can't be said more))) well said and in sha ALLAH I hope ALLAH SWT will find her a perfect match

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: trust issues

                        In-sha'Allah.

                        Let's make duaa for our respected sister in deen.

                        [MENTION=134808]abu sayfullah 07[/MENTION]

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: trust issues

                          Originally posted by Qiyaas View Post
                          :salams:

                          i am a sister with major trust issues. i think this is due to experiences in my family and inner circle. i have witnessed righteous women being exploited and betrayed by their men. i have seen fathers who do so much dhulum and screw over their wives of many years. this ihas made me suspicious of men. i don't think men truly prioritise thier family above all else. i think they put their own desires first. i believe that they use the love women have for thier children to take advantage of them. beause of this i am fearful of getting married. i am fearful of becoming pregnant and vulnerable. i need to get married but if i do i know i will sabotage the marriage because i will be waiting for the day he lets me down. i am really sad about this but i don't know what to do about it. i don't need vast amounts of wealth, good looks or status. all i ask is someone who puts me and our kids first at all times. it makes me sad because i think this is too much to expect. i feel that i will end up alone, rearing children with only myself to rely on - after Allah of course. i don't know what to do to rectify my situation because it's all internal. any advice, esp. from sisters who have experienced the same and overcome it would be much appreciated. :jkk:
                          Putting a wife and kids first ALL the time is too much to expect. The man/husband is human too, he needs time for himself too...

                          However, I do understand the rest of your post, but reversed. I have had a bad marriage (now divorced), and I guess I too have trust issues. But for some reason, I don't fear being alone alhumdulillah. I guess in my mind being alone is better than a repeated bad marriage maybe.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: trust issues

                            It's a common psychological problem that humans have. We tend to generalize a group of people by the action of few since our experiences are almost always personal.

                            We Just have to dig deep and realize that not everyone is the same.
                            Stop being apologetic to Kuffars!

                            If I don't engage with you or reply to any of your question, it's likely because I find you racist and a total waste of time.

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