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  • Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

    Hello,

    I am writing here to gain some perspective on my situation.

    I am a male in my early 30s; wanting to get married to a girl I have been getting to know for about 2 years.

    When we went over to their house to start the ristha process, her mum
    caused a lot of issues. Her mum has been divorced twice and is maybe bipolar. The girl doesn’t like her mum most times.

    During a phone conversation with my mum, this lady told my mum that she was
    divorced and my mum replied that she wouldn’t tell her husband (my dad –
    reason below). When we went over to the house, the lady said to my dad ‘’Baji said she wouldn’t tell you, but I am telling you anyway. I am a divorcee etc’’.

    Obviously, this didn’t go down well with my mother and issues have been happening ever since. However, this lady is quite head strong, controlling and quite dominant. She doesn’t want her daughter to get married to me for whatever reasons and tried her best to put us off.

    However, her daughter stopped talking to her and she has now apologised and wants to move forward with the marriage.

    Previously, in phone conversations between my mother and this lady, she has been disrespectful and didn’t want to hear what my mother had to say.
    However, I am not sure what my mother has said neither as this lady
    apparently hasn’t liked some of the things my mum has said but I am pretty sure my mother hasn’t behaved the way this mother has.

    I really dislike this woman and want no relationship with her, which her daughter has agreed with. I won’t have a issue with her seeing her mother any time she wants but I just won’t be going with her or having a relationship with her as she might cause issues with me, my family or my marriage.

    The thing is, my parents don’t have a conventional marriage either. The basically don’t like each other, argue and just don’t get along but we live under the same household. My mum is the dominant one and also can be quite
    controlling. My dad keeps himself to himself and just doesn't care about anything. So I don’t know how my mother or my father will be after I get married neither but I think it should be fine. I am the last child, so it
    will only be me, my wife and my parents living in the house. My brothers
    have married and moved out.

    There are a lot of rules in the house, that I think only this girl will be
    okay with as she comes from a broken home herself. I really like her so I do want to marry her but I don’t know whether her mum will cause issues?

    What would you advise?

    I am thinking that maybe I should find someone else?

    Thank you

  • #2
    Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

    if that girls mum made it clear that she does not want you to marry her daughter, then better just to quit and move on.
    Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

    -Quran (57:20)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

      Your first mistake was to get your parents to meet her AFTER 2 year of getting to know her...you shouldnt do things like this...
      She needs the permission of her wali to get married, so you need to track down her father, grandfather etc ....if her father/grandfather agrees to it..... Two reasons why I think you should marry her is because you've spent two years talking to her and secondly if her mother is the type to say no to every man then it makes no difference that she does not approve of you...

      ‘’Baji said she wouldn’t tell you, but I am telling you anyway. I am a divorcee etc’’.
      lol, but your mother should not keep secrets from your father... you explained your parents do not like each other...but still...
      One thing that bothers me is that you have two parents who hate each other yet you have no issue bringing your future wife into this distressing environment, what a horrible mindset to think just because she comes from a 'broken' home that she will be ok living in your toxic home...Maybe this poor girl needs a break...I would advise you not to move her in with your parents...your mum's controlling behavior will drive her crazy, she will move from one volatile home to another..
      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        2 years lol? I would say that if the girl isn't all over you just ditch her. You don't need a woman who takes 2 years of shopping to make a choice.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

          I don't understand why this girl would be ok with you cutting ties with her mother whilst bringing her into a chaotic home. The responsibility of a husband is to protect his wife and family... you say she is from a broken home so why bring her into more harm?

          I also don't understand how you can get to know someone for 2 years without the families being involved... and then so flippantly say "shall I find someone else".

          It is not my place to say whether or not you should marry her but I know what it feels like to have tension between your parents... if you are adament you want to marry this girl I suggest you find a separate place to live... you do not have to live with your parents if the environment is as toxic as you say.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

            sorry brother, I think the girl should be looking somewhere else... the last thing a girl from a broken house wants to live in another miserable and also a broken house!!

            I can't believe your mum said she won't tell the husband the other is divorced!! why?? what is wrong with her being divorced? did she commit a crime? or is being divorced is a shameful status?? She showed absolutely no respect to the lady... At least this divorced lady has control of her life, not living with a husband in a hateful relationship in fear of being called "divorced" !!

            I really hope the girl will find another man and a way better home than this.
            *
            *
            * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

              Originally posted by Somali_sister88 View Post
              I don't understand why this girl would be ok with you cutting ties with her mother whilst bringing her into a chaotic home. The responsibility of a husband is to protect his wife and family... you say she is from a broken home so why bring her into more harm?

              I also don't understand how you can get to know someone for 2 years without the families being involved... and then so flippantly say "shall I find someone else".

              It is not my place to say whether or not you should marry her but I know what it feels like to have tension between your parents... if you are adament you want to marry this girl I suggest you find a separate place to live... you do not have to live with your parents if the environment is as toxic as you say.
              The OP sounds like the same ol childish guys who waste the time of girls and has no consideration for the in laws whatsoever.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                Blimey!
                https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                  Hello

                  Thank you for all your replies. I know what you guys mean about the mindset of ‘‘it’s okay because she is from a broken home’’, but I have told her about everything and she said that it doesn’t sound as bad as it has been living in her own home. I don’t know whether she is being naive but every time I try to call it off, she begs me and has been praying 7 times a day just so she can marry me as she believes I am the only person that can make her happy.

                  The reason I said she comes from a broken home and will understand my household situation better, is because a person from a happy home won’t understand and will want to move out. I cannot leave my parents. They are old. I don’t expect my wife to run or look after them, that is my job but I also want to be happy too.

                  I have tried to call it off numerous occasions but she really really wants to marry me and I also want to marry her too.

                  Yes my mother should have told my dad but my dad likes to gossip so that is the reason she didn’t want to tell him. This girl mum has been really rude to my mother on the phone as she never lets my mum speak or says what she wants to say and puts the phone down before my mum has a chance to say what she wants to. I haven’t been around many of the conversations but the last time, which was last weekend, this lady rang my mother and basically said this daughter is mine, she is mine.

                  It is a hard situation but I feel like I am in a no win situation. I could end it and find a girl from a loving family who won’t want to be around my parents.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                    Originally posted by Hunky View Post
                    Hello,

                    I am writing here to gain some perspective on my situation.

                    I am a male in my early 30s; wanting to get married to a girl I have been getting to know for about 2 years.

                    When we went over to their house to start the ristha process, her mum
                    caused a lot of issues. Her mum has been divorced twice and is maybe bipolar. The girl doesn’t like her mum most times.

                    During a phone conversation with my mum, this lady told my mum that she was
                    divorced and my mum replied that she wouldn’t tell her husband (my dad –
                    reason below). When we went over to the house, the lady said to my dad ‘’Baji said she wouldn’t tell you, but I am telling you anyway. I am a divorcee etc’’.

                    Obviously, this didn’t go down well with my mother and issues have been happening ever since. However, this lady is quite head strong, controlling and quite dominant. She doesn’t want her daughter to get married to me for whatever reasons and tried her best to put us off.

                    However, her daughter stopped talking to her and she has now apologised and wants to move forward with the marriage.

                    Previously, in phone conversations between my mother and this lady, she has been disrespectful and didn’t want to hear what my mother had to say.
                    However, I am not sure what my mother has said neither as this lady
                    apparently hasn’t liked some of the things my mum has said but I am pretty sure my mother hasn’t behaved the way this mother has.

                    I really dislike this woman and want no relationship with her, which her daughter has agreed with. I won’t have a issue with her seeing her mother any time she wants but I judge ust won’t be going with her or having a relationship with her as she might cause issues with me, my family or my marriage.

                    The thing is, my parents don’t have a conventional marriage either. The basically don’t like each other, argue and just don’t get along but we live under the same household. My mum is the dominant one and also can be quite
                    controlling. My dad keeps himself to himself and just doesn't care about anything. So I don’t know how my mother or my father will be after I get married neither but I think it should be fine. I am the last child, so it
                    will only be me, my wife and my parents living in the house. My brothers
                    have married and moved out.

                    There are a lot of rules in the house, that I think only this girl will be
                    okay with as she comes from a broken home herself. I really like her so I do want to marry her but I don’t know whether her mum will cause issues?

                    What would you advise?

                    I am thinking that maybe I should find someone else?

                    Thank you
                    Assalaamu Alaikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

                    You answered your own question in your last line brother.


                    Ps: please don't do this "after getting to know her for 2 years" thing. You know what I mean.
                    Last edited by River Rhein; 02-06-17, 09:03 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                      Originally posted by Dinobot View Post
                      The OP sounds like the same ol childish guys who waste the time of girls and has no consideration for the in laws whatsoever.
                      Do us a favor and just stay away from this forum

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                        Originally posted by malleat1 View Post
                        sorry brother, I think the girl should be looking somewhere else... the last thing a girl from a broken house wants to live in another miserable and also a broken house!!

                        I can't believe your mum said she won't tell the husband the other is divorced!! why?? what is wrong with her being divorced? did she commit a crime? or is being divorced is a shameful status?? She showed absolutely no respect to the lady... At least this divorced lady has control of her life, not living with a husband in a hateful relationship in fear of being called "divorced" !!

                        I really hope the girl will find another man and a way better home than this.

                        I don't think that's true. Girl from broken house will get along just fine with guy from broken house as long as they both are sensible. In fact that will bond them. The problem will only be when one of them inherited the crazy genes!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                          Originally posted by River Rhein View Post
                          Do us a favor and just stay away from this forum
                          i am disinclined to acquiesce to your request

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Issues with Potential In Laws...Advice needed

                            I knew this wasn't gonna end well when I read "I have been getting to know for about 2 years."

                            I would tell you to move along and all but you know 2 years is a long time.

                            But I will give you this advice I have bipolar and I always think I'm right even when I'm probably not. So you have to find a certain way to talk to her mom without making it sound like she's wrong.
                            Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

                            Comment

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