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  • Co - Wife.....

    Be careful with your words, they go back in to world and come and hit you right back in the face!

    What kind of things needs to be considered in a polygamous marriage?
    وَالْعَصْرِ

    إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

    إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

    "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

    "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

    Khanqah Habibiyah

  • #2
    Re: Co - Wife.....

    Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
    Be careful with your words, they go back in to world and come and hit you right back in the face!

    What kind of things needs to be considered in a polygamous marriage?
    Kinda a huge issue. Would suggest you narrow it down a bit, or at least allow spin off threads dealing with different aspects of this topic otherwise this thread will become way too messy and unwieldy.
    FOLLOW THE NEW BLOG - GINGERBEARDMAN - Muslim, father, husband, writer, defender of ginger rights!

    www.facebook.com/outreach4Islam - Outreach4Islam have been working together in Leicester, calling the not yet Muslims to Islam since 2006.

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    • #3
      Re: Co - Wife.....

      Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
      Kinda a huge issue. Would suggest you narrow it down a bit, or at least allow spin off threads dealing with different aspects of this topic otherwise this thread will become way too messy and unwieldy.
      If a brother approached you/your wali about you being his potential 2nd wife....

      .....do you run in the other direction or do you actually consider it? And what kind of things do you need to think about?

      Do all polygamous marriages end up as horror stories?
      وَالْعَصْرِ

      إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

      إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

      "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

      "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

      Khanqah Habibiyah

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Co - Wife.....

        Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
        If a brother approached you/your wali about you being his potential 2nd wife....

        .....do you run in the other direction or do you actually consider it? And what kind of things do you need to think about?

        Do all polygamous marriages end up as horror stories?
        You consider like you would if any other brother proposed.
        You talk about what you would talk about with a single man? Why not? Obviously you would also need to talk about how exactly it is all going to work out, where the other wife lives (same country or abroad), your expectations, if he can afford it, the kids he has from his other marriages, how much time he is able to give you, if he is willing to provide you your own place etc
        شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
        فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
        وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
        ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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        • #5
          Re: Co - Wife.....

          I know quite a few sisters in polygynous marriages. One thing I noticed is that the first wife is often initially very enthusiastic about the perceived "new family" she will have. Things are often great in the beginning but then the cracks start to show. it is really important to remember that you are not in a relationship with your husband's wife. Whilst that sounds really obvious many sisters get disappointed when their co-wife does not want to be their best friend. You need to remember that their marriage is something between them, it doesn't concern you (although it will affect you)

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          • #6
            Re: Co - Wife.....

            Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
            I know quite a few sisters in polygynous marriages. One thing I noticed is that the first wife is often initially very enthusiastic about the perceived "new family" she will have. Things are often great in the beginning but then the cracks start to show. it is really important to remember that you are not in a relationship with your husband's wife. Whilst that sounds really obvious many sisters get disappointed when their co-wife does not want to be their best friend. You need to remember that their marriage is something between them, it doesn't concern you (although it will affect you)
            This is rather surprising. I've never heard of a woman being enthusiastic about sharing her husband. Are you sure it's not just that individual ?

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            • #7
              Re: Co - Wife.....

              Originally posted by itsgiise View Post
              This is rather surprising. I've never heard of a woman being enthusiastic about sharing her husband. Are you sure it's not just that individual ?
              No, they are all reverts actually. I have never found this amongst others lol.... If you google polygyny blogs there are lots by sisters like this as well. Starts off great then turns into a train wreck subhanAllah.

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              • #8
                Re: Co - Wife.....

                Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
                I know quite a few sisters in polygynous marriages. One thing I noticed is that the first wife is often initially very enthusiastic about the perceived "new family" she will have. Things are often great in the beginning but then the cracks start to show. it is really important to remember that you are not in a relationship with your husband's wife. Whilst that sounds really obvious many sisters get disappointed when their co-wife does not want to be their best friend. You need to remember that their marriage is something between them, it doesn't concern you (although it will affect you)
                Maybe it's not the wisest idea to make the co wife your best friend...
                شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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                • #9
                  Co - Wife.....

                  I'd be wary if my wives were best friends. They could plot against you lol.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Co - Wife.....

                    Originally posted by Jenicca View Post
                    If a brother approached you/your wali about you being his potential 2nd wife....

                    .....do you run in the other direction or do you actually consider it? And what kind of things do you need to think about?

                    Do all polygamous marriages end up as horror stories?

                    I would be asking why he is seeking a second wife, if he has been married before (in polygyny) and if he is intending to take more. There are "serial polygynists" that use "the sunnah" in order to fulfill a gap in their lives. I have two acquaintances with husbands like this, they feel unfulfilled in life for whatever reason, look for a new wife, get married then several weeks later accuse her of having a jinn/sihr or that she wasn't honest, so he divorces and the cycle repeats. You also need to establish whether he intends to support you or he expects you to rely on state benefits as a single mother. I heard this is quite an issue in the UK.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Co - Wife.....

                      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                      I'd be wary if my wives were best friends. They could plot against you lol.
                      MashaAllah these sisters really wanted it for the sake of Allah. They felt they were helping their husbands to fulfill/revive a sunnah, may Allah bless them. They wanted to be one big family, but were shocked that the co-wife didn't want the same thing.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Co - Wife.....

                        Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
                        No, they are all reverts actually. I have never found this amongst others lol.... If you google polygyny blogs there are lots by sisters like this as well. Starts off great then turns into a train wreck subhanAllah.
                        They aim very high Masha allah. Thought even the prophets wives were jealous of each other. Whilst it's good to be passionate i think reverts need to be reminded that they need to take things one step at a time and pace themselves. It's very easy to bite more than you can chew and find yourself in a situation you thought you could handle but really can't.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Co - Wife.....

                          Originally posted by itsgiise View Post
                          They aim very high Masha allah. Thought even the prophets wives were jealous of each other. Whilst it's good to be passionate i think reverts need to be reminded that they need to take things one at a time and pace themselves. It's very easy to bite more than you can chew and find yourself in a situation you thought you could handle but really can't.
                          MashaAlah they really wanted for their sister what they had for themselves. I think it was their husbands who bit off more than they could chew.....lol

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                          • #14
                            Re: Co - Wife.....

                            Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
                            MashaAlah they really wanted for their sister what they had for themselves. I think it was their husbands who bit off more than they could chew.....lol
                            wait, what ? how was it the husband. Thought you said the new wife was the problem.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Co - Wife.....

                              Originally posted by itsgiise View Post
                              wait, what ? how was it the husband. Thought you said the new wife was the problem.
                              Although wife ~1 was disappointed, the marriage usually went very pear shaped because the man got bored of responsibility. I think he thought that having another wife would mean double the fun, but forgot that it is double the duties. So both wife 1 and the husband were disillusioned by the whole thing.

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