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Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

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  • #31
    Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

    Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
    Is it possible that his lack of effort could be that he is being forced/coerced into the marriage and this is his way of telling you this? Even the most shy person surely would attempt to make a bit of an effort (if he was happy to proceed)?
    If a man is being forced and he can't speak up for himself,

    Then sisters should avoid such "men"
    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

    – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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    • #32
      Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

      Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
      If a man is being forced and he can't speak up for himself,

      Then sisters should avoid such "men"
      My thesis was on arranged marriage practices of second generation Asians in UK. A lot of brothers (and sisters) get horribly blackmailed by their parents/extended family into marriages that they are not happy with. They are conflicted as they want to make their parents happy, so it isn't necessarily a case of him not being a "man". He is trying to fulfill his parents' wishes.

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      • #33
        Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

        Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
        My thesis was on arranged marriage practices of second generation Asians in UK. A lot of brothers (and sisters) get horribly blackmailed by their parents/extended family into marriages that they are not happy with. They are conflicted as they want to make their parents happy, so it isn't necessarily a case of him not being a "man". He is trying to fulfill his parents' wishes.
        You should avoid people who're forced into marriage. There were some threads on here which led to divorce.

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        • #34
          Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

          Originally posted by Umm Fatimah View Post
          My thesis was on arranged marriage practices of second generation Asians in UK. A lot of brothers (and sisters) get horribly blackmailed by their parents/extended family into marriages that they are not happy with. They are conflicted as they want to make their parents happy, so it isn't necessarily a case of him not being a "man". He is trying to fulfill his parents' wishes.

          A man that cannot stand up for himself isn't a man,

          He's supposed to be the shepherd, and lead his family, and he can't stand up for himself,

          Fulfil his parents wishes?

          If he agrees with his parents choice of spouse then that's not a forced marriage,

          Your mixing two issues together,

          All marriages are arranged, and there is nothing wrong with a parent arranging their son or daughters marriage,

          Problem is with forced marriage,
          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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          • #35
            Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

            It isn't forced in the sense that they are holding a gun to his head, more years of constant "if you love me you will marry X", "you are making your mother ill by refusing her choice of wife", "your father's angina is because of you not agreeing to X".

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            • #36
              Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

              Originally posted by Cptn._.Mario View Post
              You should avoid people who're forced into marriage. There were some threads on here which led to divorce.
              The thing is that these people often don't see it as a forced marriage. They see it as their cultural duty to marry who their parents have chosen. Often it isn't until they start seeking knowledge about Islam that they realize it was as good as forced.

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              • #37
                Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                Originally posted by Rush89 View Post
                JazakAllah for your answer, this really helps.

                The first important thing that I am looking for in a partner is Islam and both having an interest in learning more. However as a Muslim that is our duty and requirement. We should have that anyway. I agree that it is important to have that connection you speak off, I never had that with him. Which is why i am frustrated. The only thing was that he was very quiet i didn't have any disagreements because of it.

                I feel like I will be living this marriage on my own. Some people I know may think that I am being desperate and want some sort of a relationship or feeling, but to be honest I don't, I am happy with an arranged marriage. I want to keep this halal and receive Allan's blessing from it. I am not asking to have any relationship or to know him fully, all I wanted was to be confident in this moment, that we will get on and reassurance from him that it will be okay. But he is silent and shy like a child. I wanted to know that I will be looked after but he has given me no resssurance. I feel like I will have to do everything and wear the pants whilst he is shy and quite. If he doesn't not talk to me and is shy on the wedding evening then I refuse to talk to him too because he makes me feel awkward.

                I feel upset and like I have been robbed of feeling content and okay. Like I have been robbed of enjoying planning a wedding. I have lots of family who will come to the wedding and make the most of and enjoy it, whereas I will have to sit there with a false smile whilst inside I am dying because I cannot imagine a happy future.
                yes what u are saying is raising red flags for me. first man should be leader and act like one. when i went to my wifes home for first time or spoke with her for first time, i made the effort to start conversation and make her laugh etc. even though i am also sometimes quiet and shy. also when i agreed to marry her and take the proposal to her and her family, i knew in my heart 100% she was right for me because i evaluated her character, values, looks, deen, family, education, personality, chemistry etc. when ur considering spouse somethings are logical like how much he makes or how he look or his job his education his deen. but somethings u feel inside like how do u get along, his family etc. if something gives u a bad feeling then thats not good. do istikhara and if u dont feel content in ur heart and have logical reasons for that like hes quiet or no chemistry etc then dont go ahead. ur relation hasnt even started and ur already like this which is red flag.

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                • #38
                  Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                  Originally posted by Rush89 View Post
                  I have never had a problem in the past talking to anyone, yet he makes it very awkward by being very quite and looking down. I am happy with an arranged marriage and don't need to know someone in and out, I just wanted to be able to hold a conversation. That was all ��
                  i had an arranged marriage and i spoke with her for a month or two before deciding we are right for each other. u can have an arranged marriage and still get to know them and see how u get along and evaluate each other. u should be able to tell within a week or two if there is chemistry or not.

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                  • #39
                    Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                    Originally posted by Rush89 View Post
                    JazakAllah. He mentioned that he is religious and that is important to him. Currently the only similarity we have is the valuing religion. That is it.

                    However I do not know if I will have patience with his quiteness. It makes me feel upset and annoyed and sorry for him at the same time.

                    I don't want to feel sorry for someone that I am marrying, I want to feel confident and look forward to spending time. However I don't look forward to spending time with him if he is going to sit in silence. I am an outgoing person and like to have bubbly people around me. He is the opposite. I don't want to Baby a husband, I want him to be manly and take lead.

                    When we sat down to talk and he sat in silence it annoyed me, because how does he think he is ready to marry if does not talk. Marriage is not just about having a woman who cooks and sleeps with you, shouldn't he have the common sense to make an effort. I worry that it is only after marriage I will know his character and what if I don't like it? I am generally patient person, but I have waited soo long patiently to marry a man, yet he doesn't seem like a man.

                    I don't have a choice at the moment but to marry him. I have brothers and sister around my age who are looking to marry and my parents are fed up of me being single.

                    I have prayed istikhara many times but do not see anything. I am worried that I will be single forever or get too old.

                    it's better to be single and alone than marrying a man baby

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                    • #40
                      Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                      Originally posted by Rush89 View Post
                      JazakAllah. He mentioned that he is religious and that is important to him. Currently the only similarity we have is the valuing religion. That is it.

                      However I do not know if I will have patience with his quiteness. It makes me feel upset and annoyed and sorry for him at the same time.

                      I don't want to feel sorry for someone that I am marrying, I want to feel confident and look forward to spending time. However I don't look forward to spending time with him if he is going to sit in silence. I am an outgoing person and like to have bubbly people around me. He is the opposite. I don't want to Baby a husband, I want him to be manly and take lead.

                      When we sat down to talk and he sat in silence it annoyed me, because how does he think he is ready to marry if does not talk. Marriage is not just about having a woman who cooks and sleeps with you, shouldn't he have the common sense to make an effort. I worry that it is only after marriage I will know his character and what if I don't like it? I am generally patient person, but I have waited soo long patiently to marry a man, yet he doesn't seem like a man.

                      I don't have a choice at the moment but to marry him. I have brothers and sister around my age who are looking to marry and my parents are fed up of me being single.

                      I have prayed istikhara many times but do not see anything. I am worried that I will be single forever or get too old.
                      If this is how you feel, I don't think you should marry him. Its the rest of your life, you aren't that old. Look for someone else you actually could talk to and laugh with.
                      "And surely this brotherhood of your is a single brotherhood, and I am your Lord and Cherisher. Therefore fear Me and no other. But people have broken their religion into sects, each group rejoicing in that which is with them. But leave them in their confused ignorance for a time." (23:52-54)

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                      • #41
                        Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                        Assalaamu Alaikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

                        After reading all your posts, I feel his behavior is to the extreme. Shyness is a great trait and part of deen but this man is just too much if he is how you described. Before marriage everything is discussed so as to avoid arguments later. For example where will you live, with his family or he will take a separate house. Just knowing that he is a practicing Muslim and of sound Aqeedah is not enough. The details need to be discussed.

                        Many couples fight after marriage because wife wants to work and husband doesn't like it. Why didn't they discuss this before marriage? Many couples fight due to inlays. Many fight over parenting techniques. Talking before marriage is important and it is not dating or flirting. Marriage is a life long partnership and you need to know what you're getting into.

                        Ask around about him. Even "spying" is allowed in this case to know if something is being hidden. Please don't take it the wrong way. :) there is no such thing as Prince Charming. This is real life and we need to be practical. His behavior is not going well with me. A pious brother will also talk a bit to know if you have the same expectations of each other. A man has to look at the lady to make sure he really wants to marry her. Did he even do that?

                        Women are raised to be accepting of anything and everything. Parents just want to get them married and finish off some responsibility. Well girls aren't a burden. It's better to get married late to the right guy than marry blindly and end up in a divorce. Seen a lot of that happen around me.

                        May Allah ‎ﷻ help You with this.

                        Ps: you will not "see" anything after istikhara. You make the decision and do istikhara and proceed, if Allah ‎ﷻ thinks It's right for you then it will happen, if not then you will get negative feelings or things just won't work out. Istikhara is no crystal ball sweetie, like we are made to believe by inauthentic books.
                        Last edited by River Rhein; 02-06-17, 08:13 PM.

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