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  • Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

    Salams

    I am a 28yr old girl who has been looking to marry for some time now. I have some hyperpigmentation and rash on my face and I think that this may have made it difficult for me to pursue anyone, though I cover this up with make up and look normal 🙄.

    My parents have found me someone to marry. I have met him only twice with family. Both of these times the brother was extremely quite and shy and did not look at me. He looked down and only answered my questions and asked me back my questions. Both of the times we were given 30-40 mins to talk to each other and talked only for 5 mins and remained silence in the room because he was shy and quiet, this made me feel awkward. I have met proposals in the past and didn't not have any problem with talking and connecting. His family mentioned that he is an extremely quiet person. I asked the brother if he would like to talk further and or meet more with someone present so that I could know more about him. His response was that he does not want to talk anymore until after marriage.

    Anyway my parents and family are convinced that he is the one for me and that I will live a peaceful life with him. I agree that I think I will be peaceful with him as he is very quite and non judgemental. It has been made clear to me that because of my rash i will not get many other proposals and so this is my last chance, as I am also getting older. However as he does not talk at all I don't know if we will connect or whether I will be happy with him for this reason. I have brought this up with my parents and they think that this is nothing to worry about and insist that i go ahead with marriage.

    All the marriage plans are happening very fast and I feel worried and scared. Mainly because I have been denied of my right to get to know this brother further. I feel frustrated, angry, upset and scared. My mother has advised me not to think too much and go ahead with it and put it all in Allah's hands. I have no problem in trusting Allah, however I think it's unfair that the brother does not want to talk further with me before marriage. He is a complete stranger to me, for this reason I feel no attraction towards him and feel hatred for his decision in not making me feel comfortable.

    As I am not fully happy marrying a stranger, I insisted on having an very small Nikkah, but my parents want a big wedding. I cannot put my mind in enjoying this wedding and just want it over and done with to see what happens to my future marriage life.

    Is it normal to feel like this with an arranged marriage? I was happy to have an arranged marriage but thought that I would be given the chance to know more about someone's personality and thought I would marry someone that I connect with. What happens if I find that I don't like his personality and feel stuck? I don't know if I can cope with living the rest of my life with someone that I don't find mentally attractive and don't connect with.
    Has anyone been in this Situation? Did you like your husband afterwards if you didn't like him before marriage?

    I have istikhara many times and do not see anything.

  • #2
    Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

    :wswrwb:

    What exactly is it that you want to talk to him about? Do you have more questions to ask him?
    Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

    "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
    - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

      I feel like I don't know him at all. I don't know what his personality is like apart from being quiet.

      The main reason is because he was sooo quiet it made me feel awkaward and we both did not talk. We had nothing to say to each other. We sat alone in silence for 30 mins. I have had other proposals in the past and I never sat in silence. In Islam I have heard that we can meet and talk and many times in order to make our decision.

      I guess I want to know if we will connect and be compatible. Is that so wrong? To feel comfortable to marry someone.
      Last edited by Rush89; 07-05-17, 01:58 AM.

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      • #4
        Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

        Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
        :wswrwb:

        What exactly is it that you want to talk to him about? Do you have more questions to ask him?
        I feel like I don't know him at all. I don't know what his personality is like apart from being quiet.

        The main reason is because he was sooo quiet it made me feel awkaward and we both did not talk. We had nothing to say to each other. We sat alone in silence for 30 mins. I have had other proposals in the past and I never sat in silence. In Islam I have heard that we can meet and talk and many times in order to make our decision.

        I guess I want to know if we will connect and be compatible. Is that so wrong? To feel comfortable to marry someone.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

          If he doesn't want to talk, maybe sending him questions over email or something might be a goo option. Asking questions can reveal a lot.
          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

            But, anyways, a man needs to be more confident and stop being overly shy especially in these situations. This guy seems to be a little over the top.
            Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

            "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
            - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

              Before you make any hasty decisions, make sure you make him open up a bit, and do your research about him. Check his Facebook, and ask around about him. This is a life long deal, so you want to make sure you know who you are marrying. He may be shy in front of you and his parents, but people can lead dual lives. Not trying to be cynical, but best to make sure before hand. Make sure to talk about things such as having children, allowing you to go to school (if you want) or work. What he expects of you as his wife, and what you expect of him. Ask him of his likes and dislikes, such as colors, food, and entertainment. Ask about his Islam and how serious he is with it. Heck, make sure you talk about having a pet too (cats are awesome btw). Make sure he looks at your face properly in order to make sure you are both attracted to one another.

              Above all, don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. You have a right to decline the marriage if you don't feel like you're a good match, and no one has the right to force you to do it. Just don't turn him away if hes just shy, but checks out in the religious and dependability department.

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              • #8
                Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                This is nothing, for many years some people didn't even meet or see their spouse until the day of the wedding. So its not entirely weird, although I guess in todays day and age it probably is.
                It is reasonable to believe that perhaps he is just someone who has led a very sheltered life or is so shy that even speaking to his future bride is too challenging for him. Then there are those types of people who believe in superstition and old customs and don't think they should even look at their spouse until marriage (one of my aunts did that on her wedding day) so it could just be that he wants to ensure that he doesn't jinx it by getting too friendly. I would like to think that hopefully he is just playing it safe however I understand your frustration at not getting him to talk.

                But rest assure that men are never the same after marriage as they are before marriage. Without sounding crass a marriage does change a man wholly, he goes from being a boy to a man. And at some point he will come to the realisation that he can't keep quiet forever (I doubt he's planning on never talking to you) so don't let these anxieties get to you. You will get the chance to speak to him, get to know him and become attracted to him after you are married.

                As for the wedding - its your day not your parents. If you want a simple nikah, then tell your parents that it should be your decision.

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                • #9
                  Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                  Also dont think your time for getting married is running out you still have time dont worry
                  Insha Allah everything gets sorted

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                  • #10
                    Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                    Its hard for us to know why he's quiet so we can just guess.
                    Is it due to him not wanting to sin/being overfriendly..
                    Is it because he is shy
                    Is it in his nature to be quiet..

                    Do istkhaarah continue, research on him too fb etc and you cAn meet again with ur wali and give him questions..or email over a list of questions.. Don't feel pressured/rushed, its ur choice.. Insha Allah it goes well :)
                    And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
                    [al-An’aam 6:59]

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                    • #11
                      Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                      There is a difference between being shy and being a mute. A man looking to get married shouldn't be that shy. Does he at least talk to your father/male relatives a little easier? Maybe he's got severe anxiety or he's autistic. It's good to know if he's just reeeaally shy or if there is an underlying issue that should be made known to you.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                        What is he like with your male family members? what do they say about him?
                        These are things you should do
                        1) Ask your brothers to get to know him, they can find out his personality
                        2) Ask all the questions and make sure there are witnesses so they don't go back on their word. eg they say you can work after marriage but then later change their mind
                        3) email or whatsapp, maybe he will be willing to open up. Know your boundaries and keep the wali involved

                        Lastly ISTIKHARA! If he is not meant to be your husband then it won't happen..

                        You said he only spoke to you for 5 minutes, so why didn't you initiate conversation? Why didn't you ask questions or tell him more about yourself. It might have made him offer up a bit more about himself
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                          Wa alaikum assalaam warahmatullahi wabarakat.

                          First and foremost sister, I pray that Allah keeps you in the best of health, and brings peace to your mind regarding this issue. It is apparent it is bringing you great distress. Always make some time to partake in extra dhikr, as this will surely quell the worries of your heart.

                          Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find rest. (13:28)

                          Now, looking at the situation as a whole, I would encourage you not to be put off too much by his apparent shyness. Why? Because there are many cases where a man and woman will be very comfortable talking to each other, but it won't lead to a happy marriage. On the other hand, there are cases where the man and woman spoke very little before getting marriage, and they find within each other the greatest source of comfort they could ever imagine. What this tells us is that it is not necessary to be able to easily "hit it off" and speak comfortably before marriage. I understand you would prefer if communication with this man was easier, but do keep in mind that it isn't necessary. Remind yourself of this beautiful hadith:

                          “Haya (shyness) does not bring anything except good.” (Bukhari) :D

                          There are however, very pressing matters to address. In accordance with the Qur'an and Sunnah, I'm sure you want to make sure that this man is someone who lives his life for the pleasure of Allah. How are his prayers? How does he act with others in his family? Has he studied the rights of a wife? Has he studied the fiqh of Marriage? How are his manners? Does he currently work? How will the living situation be in terms of accommodation? What are his hobbies?

                          These are questions that will give you a good indication as to what kind of man he is. And you have to make sure that these questions get answered. If he seems too shy to answer these himself, no worries! Your parents seem eager to get this marriage going, so use that to your advantage! Tell them "mum, I need to know the answer to these questions to bring me complete peace of mind. Then I will happily get married if the answers are satisfactory". No doubt your parents will hasten to get you these answers, as they want you to be happy in this union. And remember, it is you right to ask these questions, so do not give up this right! If you wish to ask, ask! It doesn't have t be directly at him, but it is your right to request these answers before giving full consent.

                          As for the matter of him being overly shy, remember once again that his piety is what really matters. Everything else is extra. Nobody is perfect. Not you, not him, not me, nor anyone else on earth. We each have our disadvantages, our weaknesses, but what matters is weather or not we intend to live good lives, and better ourselves for the sake of Allah. If we have that, then inshaAllah that's a good start. Marriage will take work. Be it with this man or any other, remember that there will always be things that are not ideal. You can work on those things together inshaAllah :) At times, we may find that we are unhappy with something Allah has given us, only to later realize that it was in fact a blessing, or a source of some benefit, but we did not perceive it to be such at the time. And a verse comes to mind which may bring you some comfort:

                          But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)

                          Once you have the answers to these important faith based questions, continue to make istikhara, and know that whatever decision you make, Allah will always be there for you. Place your trust in Him, and He will never let you down. But also know that the final decision is with you. Evaluate the situation, ask Allah to guide you, and ease the worry that you carry in your heart, and remember that after assessing everything, it is your right to say yes or no, and nobody can take away from you that right, which Allah has given you. May Allah make it easy for you to choose the best decision, and bless you with a husband who will be the coolness of your eyes, the means for you to get closer to Allah, the source of your motivation, and the ideal father of your future children, inshaAllah.

                          And whosoever puts their trust in Allah, He shall be enough for them (65:3)

                          And Allah knows best :)
                          Brothers and sisters, i started a blog! (First try)
                          Give it a read, inshaAllah, if you're just twiddling your thumbs and have nothing better to do :D
                          http://ahmedmahfuztablet.wordpress.com/
                          Assalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakat

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                          • #14
                            Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                            miskeeen the brother is coming across as very shy! maybe he lacks confidence who knows
                            "O you who are patient! Bear a little, just a little more remains

                            Enter your emotion and it gives you a dua!

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                            • #15
                              Re: Arranged marriage - brother doesn't want to talk before wedding

                              Originally posted by Rush89 View Post
                              I feel like I don't know him at all. I don't know what his personality is like apart from being quiet.

                              The main reason is because he was sooo quiet it made me feel awkaward and we both did not talk. We had nothing to say to each other. We sat alone in silence for 30 mins. I have had other proposals in the past and I never sat in silence. In Islam I have heard that we can meet and talk and many times in order to make our decision.

                              I guess I want to know if we will connect and be compatible. Is that so wrong? To feel comfortable to marry someone.
                              Why would you know him?

                              The marriage of a Muslim is supposed to be Jose they never had any pre-marital relationship with,

                              This girlfriend and boyfriend business is Haraam filth, so is dating,

                              If you have further questions, by all means arrange another meeting and ask him in the presence of a Wali/parent/guardian

                              Get the message accross and ask him why he's so shy, he's supposed to be more confident, as he's the shepherd that leads the family,

                              Do Istikhara as well a d ensure he practices the basics of Islam, has good character etc, ask your brothers to do their homework and find out about this character,

                              :jkk:
                              Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 07-05-17, 03:50 PM.
                              http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                              "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                              – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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