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  • Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Salam all of the UF,

    I have recently got in communications with a sister from one of the sites, however I am unsure about her, she looks really decent, doesn't wear hijab though but prays and getting closer to Allah via deen, I had noticed through communications she doesn't seem to say much or ask questions. Not too sure though, I have been asking open ended questions and only get few words as answers.

    Is this how she might be in person as well? She lives close, is younger than me and has same thoughts about having small wedding, nikkah done in Masjid and all that jazz.

    With me if a girl says no, I am fine with that and doesnt hurt me, if I say no it doesn't bother me so I have no attachment to the person. Could it be something wrong with me? I have told my younger sister about her and she seems fine with it, however parents want someone that has been to university and is working, she is working but hasn't been to university. At this point have told my parents about her but I know what they look for in a potential.

    Just wondering if it's worth persevering with this sister or not, granted we have only been talking for maybe a day really. Just feels one sided with me asking questions and she responds and that is all. I don't mind that but doesn't really show how she is though or am I thinking too much into this?

    Just feels strange all of this for me.

    Wsalaam

  • Abu 'Abdullaah
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Deeni Akh View Post
    ...I don't know your circumstances and the girl's fully so I can't really give any further advice.
    /thread

    Leave a comment:


  • innocent-wife
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...


    Brother... you've only talked to her for a day.. how can u make assumptions so quickly..... girls are shy at first and takes them time to feel comfortable enough to open up...

    I say give it some time before you break it up.... and the best way to speed the process is to be 100% honest .... whatever u feel right now you should say it to her... swe if she admits that she's just shy or maybe she gets other situat ions going on..

    Good Luck akhi

    Leave a comment:


  • malleat1
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    (1) any girl would be apprehensive about online marriages, the amount of dodgy ppl online is ridiculous... to expect the lady to lecture in her answers when you've only been talking for 24hours is a bit strange? You've not given her anytime to build an impression!
    Maybe she's looking online cuz she cant start or hold conversations for long! We can only do the guess work! Ask her "what do you want to know about me?" If she says nothing, or i dont know... say "ok when you do, let me know, i'll leave it to that"... maybe she feels you are interrogating her! Who knows! Give her a space and see. <<< again guess work!

    (2) your family seems like strong minded ppl, you've described them several time previously, you've described how they treated you... if you feel a lady without a degree will struggle to please them, then go for someone your family are happy to accept. Marriage isnt about two ppl getting together, but a new member joining the family... are your family happy to have that new member or will make ur life and hers difficult? From what you said in this thread and previous ones... you need to tell them "i am considering a lady without a degree, how do you feel about this"... if they oppose, dont waste your time and hers...
    Last edited by malleat1; 09-04-17, 07:18 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Creamcake
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by ninety1daisies View Post
    inshaaAllah you will find someone who will be in the coolness of your eyes.
    Ameen

    Leave a comment:


  • Deeni Akh
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    If she's not wearing hijab akhi, you're going in for a gamble, not saying she won't change but a possibility is never certainty.

    But I don't know your circumstances and the girl's fully so I can't really give any further advice.

    Leave a comment:


  • Creamcake
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Wa Alaykumussalam
    Brother meet her in real life with her wali at least. Honestly face to face communication with her wali present will give you a much better idea of her in real life.. and vice versa. There could be many reasons as to why she's not communicating a lot via email/text.. it's not permissible, she's busy, doesn't get a lot of access, etc.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sarah5
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
    That is true and I see where you are coming from, I have always listend to my parents because I have hurt them in the past before, have made them cry because of my stupid actions, I always listen to them even though I may be right but they are my parents. I never argue back or say anything bad. I am a quite person actually in person but I talk a little to understand and know the person after that I am quite as mouse.

    I do have trouble trusting others, I had friends in school I relied on to help me and never were there, since then, I dropped my friends and everyone that I met were just there as colleagues and that is all, same with potentials, just don't feel I can trust anyone, I only trust my self, do things independent of others.

    There may not be an age limit to others but in my family there is such as uncles and aunts always ask me same question and tell them I am looking. 30 is not pletny young, I could die at any time and everyone says marriage is half your deen, I have signed up to improve my deen and to focus on that, marriage doesn't seem to be a blockage for me but is for my parents. My career isn't where my dad wants it to be. I have a lot of problems that I need to get over.

    Unsure about the chemistry, what if there is no to little chemistry at the beggining, how can you be sure that it will grow, shouldn't there be something attractive about the chemistry, like people say "Click" with that person?
    What matters now is that you're trying your best, you will just have to keep telling your parents you're still looking (which you are) and leave it at that.

    And I sensed that you have trust issues due to the fact that you don't want to rely on anyone in fear that any dependence on anyone may put you in a vulnerable situation .. maybe even you feel a loss of control. Deep down inside though, I think you want some dependence but you do not want to admit it (I may be wrong so sorry if I am but that's what I feel is going on).

    Also about the chemistry, you can seek whatever you wish in a wife, it's up to you. You have every right to seek what you want in a potential, but because the whole idea of chemistry is very tricky especially since we aren't allowed to date as Muslims, I was suggesting that you don't focus too much on that aspect only to make your search easier. Personally, I think if you like a persona's character and their level of faith, you can adapt towards one another (at least I speak for myself, but perhaps it's harder for others). Do you have a hard time getting along with other people? (not like getting along in terms of fighting but getting along in terms of feeling comfortable around others)

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslim-Guy
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Sarah5 View Post
    Of course, independence, especially as a man, is highly respectable, especially where we live at an age where everyone gets waited on hand and foot and may Allah ta'ala give you great reward for taking care of your parents. But the beauty of marriage is dependence upon each other for certain things, it makes you grow closer and bond further because you realize you need one another. This isn't a sign of weakness, rather a sign of humbleness. Perhaps you have trouble trusting others?

    Try to ask your parents for help and keep trying to seek a wife. There is no age limit to getting married by the way, and thirty is plenty young alhamdulillah. May Allah ta'ala preserve your health and your family's. Keep making du'aa too, but be consistent and do your fardhs. And don't be too picky, even if you may not have the "chemistry", over time you can develop it in sha'a Allah and no one is perfect. The most important thing is that they cover a couple of very important criteria for you.
    That is true and I see where you are coming from, I have always listend to my parents because I have hurt them in the past before, have made them cry because of my stupid actions, I always listen to them even though I may be right but they are my parents. I never argue back or say anything bad. I am a quite person actually in person but I talk a little to understand and know the person after that I am quite as mouse.

    I do have trouble trusting others, I had friends in school I relied on to help me and never were there, since then, I dropped my friends and everyone that I met were just there as colleagues and that is all, same with potentials, just don't feel I can trust anyone, I only trust my self, do things independent of others.

    There may not be an age limit to others but in my family there is such as uncles and aunts always ask me same question and tell them I am looking. 30 is not pletny young, I could die at any time and everyone says marriage is half your deen, I have signed up to improve my deen and to focus on that, marriage doesn't seem to be a blockage for me but is for my parents. My career isn't where my dad wants it to be. I have a lot of problems that I need to get over.

    Unsure about the chemistry, what if there is no to little chemistry at the beggining, how can you be sure that it will grow, shouldn't there be something attractive about the chemistry, like people say "Click" with that person?

    Leave a comment:


  • ninety1daisies
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
    Not because of parents just don't feel anything inside of me, no excitement, no energy, too much time consuming I think. I will call it off tomorrow and end it there and also I have cancelled my subscription anyways for that site so will end in couple weeks.

    Don't feel content in my heart about her or with any previous ones, so don't know how I will feel with anyone else in the future. I feel I have wasted years not looking properly but then again it will only happen when it's willed, so nothing else I can do.

    Just need to focus on other things and forget about marriage, if parents really want to see me find someone, get married they will tell me and talk to me about it but for now zilch.

    Parents don't know about this one I am talking to because I need to have an incline and nothing so far, seems like I am talking to a brick wall
    inshaaAllah you will find someone who will be in the coolness of your eyes.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslim-Guy
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by ninety1daisies View Post
    I was speaking about potentials that you think are good generally and then you 'lose interest' because of your parents not about this one in particular cause she seems a little unsure about what she wants Allahu Alam.

    I dunno I just feel if a girl has good character and she is kind to her in-laws even if they are a bit distant from the beginning, I just feel that most in-laws are won over.
    Not because of parents just don't feel anything inside of me, no excitement, no energy, too much time consuming I think. I will call it off tomorrow and end it there and also I have cancelled my subscription anyways for that site so will end in couple weeks.

    Don't feel content in my heart about her or with any previous ones, so don't know how I will feel with anyone else in the future. I feel I have wasted years not looking properly but then again it will only happen when it's willed, so nothing else I can do.

    Just need to focus on other things and forget about marriage, if parents really want to see me find someone, get married they will tell me and talk to me about it but for now zilch.

    Parents don't know about this one I am talking to because I need to have an incline and nothing so far, seems like I am talking to a brick wall

    Leave a comment:


  • Sarah5
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
    I understand however I am nearly 30 and parents have only been looking for me in the last couple or so years, they have spent 5/6 looking for my brother on and off since he finished Uni. I know marriage is difficult, I didn't say it was and it's probably one of these reasons I don't feel compelled to find someone maybe it's a phase but I just don't feel any clicks with this one or any one else.

    I don't know what people say when they JUST KNOW. I know the partner is to help you when you are on your lowest point, when you are sick and stuff, I have always done things by my self don't rely on anyone only but Allah that is all. I don't like to ask for help, like to do things by my self.

    For example today, went food shopping with mum, had a lot of food, asked my brother to help and he said he was busy eating, asked sister to help, she said im studying, so I just did it by my self. When I had laid out the stuff from the bag, towards the end, sister asked if she can help, I said no, I can do it my self, I asked your help at the beginning and you said no so just leave me to it.

    I do things on my own intiative don't rely on anyone. I.e doing house chores, hoovering, cleaning, cleaning kitchen. I do it my self because parents are in old age, brother is too busy talking to his wife, sister is busy with studies, that leaves me to help out around the house.

    Maybe I am waffling who knows.
    Of course, independence, especially as a man, is highly respectable, especially where we live at an age where everyone gets waited on hand and foot and may Allah ta'ala give you great reward for taking care of your parents. But the beauty of marriage is dependence upon each other for certain things, it makes you grow closer and bond further because you realize you need one another. This isn't a sign of weakness, rather a sign of humbleness. Perhaps you have trouble trusting others?

    Try to ask your parents for help and keep trying to seek a wife. There is no age limit to getting married by the way, and thirty is plenty young alhamdulillah. May Allah ta'ala preserve your health and your family's. Keep making du'aa too, but be consistent and do your fardhs. And don't be too picky, even if you may not have the "chemistry", over time you can develop it in sha'a Allah and no one is perfect. The most important thing is that they cover a couple of very important criteria for you.

    Leave a comment:


  • ninety1daisies
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
    Nope my parents aren't like that, seeing things at the end no, they want someone face value that shows good character and what not. Don't feel comfortable with the opposite gender. I am only asking questions that I want to hear, might just end it tomorrow as she seems too busy to say few words or ask any questions.
    I was speaking about potentials that you think are good generally and then you 'lose interest' because of your parents not about this one in particular cause she seems a little unsure about what she wants Allahu Alam.

    I dunno I just feel if a girl has good character and she is kind to her in-laws even if they are a bit distant from the beginning, I just feel that most in-laws are won over.

    Leave a comment:


  • sajid
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Originally posted by Muslim-Guy View Post
    My sister knows and I told her give me couple days to see if it's all okay and if so I will tell my parents and ask the girl to tell her parents and set up a meeting.
    hmm..ok..apart from that talking to her issue which is another discussion altogether

    If you not feeling it despite the effort you are putting in...walk away and don't waste any further time..no point in putting your full effort in if people are not willing to engage back or close /shut you off..

    Leave a comment:


  • Linkdeutscher
    replied
    Re: Unsure about a potential, first one that seems interested in me in a while...

    Hair is nakedness for a woman.

    Just because we have been desensitized to this due to immoral women uncovering their hair at large nowadays doesn't negate this reality.

    A woman with her hair uncovered is partially naked.

    Are you fine with your wife being partially naked in front of other men?

    Leave a comment:

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