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Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

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  • Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

    Salam,

    A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

    So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

    The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

    Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?

  • #2
    Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

    Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
    Salam,

    A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

    So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

    The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

    Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
    :wswrwb:

    He sounds like a good man. Him wanting you to dress modestly is a sign of his gheerah (protective jealousy) over you. Also him wanting to you to text him your location is another sign of his protectiveness.

    As for the birth control, I believe there is a difference of opinion among the scholars on the matter. Wallahu alam. Discuss your concerns with him.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

      Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
      .

      Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
      Alhamdulillah. He seems like a good husband. There are certain things that we can't compromise on as Muslims.
      InshaaAllah, it will become easier for sister to become more accustomed to certain things.

      May Allah Ta'aalaa grant barakah.
      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
      -------------------------------
      "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
      NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

        Walaikum As-Salam,

        The requirements he is laying down are part of Islam. If he doesn't lead his family in the right direction, this will also come back on him. I'm a revert myself, so I understand what you're going through. This stage is basically like you are being raised again and brought up differently as a child. It takes a few years to grasp this. Once you do, you will wish you had this your whole life. It comes from a space of love and caring. But, I would suggest that you keep learning about Islam and try implanting things on your own, without his prompting; otherwise, it may become like a parent-child relationship, which is not what most want in marriage.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

          Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
          Salam,

          A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

          So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

          The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

          Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
          I was a little startled to read your post sis as I'm newly converted and didn't realise about some of these things. I can understand letting him know where you are. I can understand the dress (jeans) but maybe you can choose your own alternative clothes?

          I was a bit surprised about the baby issue. I agree if the contraception is haram but I have read that The Prophet :saw: was asked about this issue and remained silent. So you can imagine there are differences of opinion on the issue of preventing pregnancies.

          I realise as a couple you both have to decide together about children but ultimately the man needs to realise it is your body that will carry the children.

          I think I'd have a gentle discussion with him and allow him to know what your feelings are. He can think on it and make an informed decision. He seems thoughtful and pious sis, I'm sure you can both come to some compromise.

          May Allah Ta'aalaa grant barakah.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

            Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
            Salam,

            A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

            So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

            The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

            Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
            If your husband agrees to using contraception then you can.
            A woman can use a means of protection if for example if she is ill and cannot cope with a pregnancy every year, or she is physically unfit, or there is some other reason that getting pregnant every year may harm her.(Islam qa fatwa)
            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

              Ugh. These are things you should've discussed before marriage. You're already pregnant now so too late you all failed.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                Originally posted by quark View Post
                Ugh. These are things you should've discussed before marriage. You're already pregnant now so too late you all failed.
                Hello quark.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                  :salams

                  Is he telling you in a nice manner or is he being aggressive about these things?

                  Anyways this is something you should've look into, your new to Islam it's understandable somethings won't make sense too you and something may take awhile before you start a change yourself. You should've focused on Islam first and then looked for someone. He's not wrong in what he's saying, as long as he isn't being aggressive and is saying those things in fear of Allah (swt) and for your honor.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                    Well sis birth controll or not, if Allah has a baby written for you the baby will come the exact time Allah planned it anyway
                    يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ

                    O mankind, worship your Lord, who created you and those before you, that you may become righteous

                    Surah Al Baqarah ayah 21

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                      Walaykum salam and welcome to the deen sister :)

                      I hate to say it but really these are the sorts of issues that should've been discussed before marriage. So far he hasn't said anything that would be considered wrong/haram Islamically so at least in that sense there isn't a red flag and I hope it's just a matter of adjusting to the new circumstances, though at the same time I worry that these differences are signs of other concerns. Didn't he ever say before marriage that he expects his wife to wear loose clothes etc? It's better for people to lay out their requirements for marriage beforehand so that there aren't any surprises afterwards and it's more common for men to say beforehand "I want a wife who wears jilbab" or "I want my wife to wear niqab" often even before the first meeting these things tend to be mentioned. I realise it's not easy to discuss life plans with a stranger when you've only met a handful of times but the purpose of these meetings are to talk about both peoples expectations of marriage.

                      I can imagine for a convert, the thing about having to tell someone where you're going and how long for must be very difficult as I'd imagine you were used to a lot more independence/autonomy before this. The Islamic view on this is that it's because he feels responsible and protective of you and isn't something to be concerned about unless it escalates into paranoia or unfounded accusations of wrongdoing (that would be a red flag). You should also bear in mind that often when people are practising, it is not considered appropriate to have friends of the opposite gender (even cousins) and it's not appropriate to be informal with them in terms of hugging, joking, banter etc though it's perfectly fine to be informal and on good terms with mahram relatives (your siblings, parents, parents' siblings, grandparents, nephews and neices) unless they are hostile/abusive about Islam.

                      Islamically, whatever money you have from your earnings or inheritance is yours and he doesn't have the right to any of it and can't spend it without your permission. What he earns is to provide for the whole household in terms of the roof over your head, basic food, clothing, utilities etc, but what you own or earn belongs only to you. He also can't tell you what to spend your money on unless you plan to spend it on haram such as alcohol then he can say you can't do that but other than that, if you want to buy something and it's permitted then it's not his place to tell you not to buy it.

                      I think you may be new to Islam and so it would be a good idea to spend time learning more and reading more about it so that you're more informed about the rights and responsibilities of spouses within a marriage. There is some difference of opinion regarding children in Islam, though it is recommended to have many children. My understanding on this is that it's also recommended to have a gap between one child and the next of at least 3 years. This allows the mother's body to recover from the difficulties of childbirth and also allows her to breastfeed for longer as the sunnah recommendation is to breastfeed for up to two years and pregnancy can disrupt this as some say it can affect the milk. Abortion is a major no no. Admittedly I don't have children so have not looked into this in depth. I'm sure there are more experienced muslimah mothers who are better versed and qualified to let you know about evidences on this issue. Congratulations on the pregnancy btw. May Allah (swt) make your child pious and a source of joy for you both- ameen.
                      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                        As for the babies, you can make him change his mind!

                        - when the baby needs poop changing, make sure he shares the responsibilities
                        - when the baby freaks out in the middle of the night, ask him to get up too to deal with it!
                        - when u need to be out, leave the baby with him and go!

                        I'm sure he'll stuff you with birth control pills by then :rofl1:
                        Taking care of kids is both parents responsibility...
                        *
                        *
                        * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                          Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
                          Salam,

                          A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

                          So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

                          The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

                          Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
                          All of the "issues" you raised ate non-issues according to Islam.

                          All of those things you mentioned tour husband wants are in accordance with Islamic principles.

                          I advise you to listen to him, as he sounds like very good Muslim,

                          :jkk:
                          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                            Originally posted by IrishMuslimah View Post
                            Salam,

                            A year ago I went to a sister I knew very well at my masjid and she helped me find a husband as it is very difficult for more traditional practicing muslim reverts to find a spouse here in the UK. I met the man a few times in company and we did the marriage properly, however that means most of the vetting had to be done by my friend's family. The man I married is amazing and I love him but I feel there were some expectations he had for me that I did not see coming. I said I wanted a practicing muslim husband who was more traditional so I guess I should have seen some of these issues coming beforehand, but life is a work in progress lol.

                            So the first issue is that he wants me to essentially announce to him everytime I am going away from the house, for instance if I want to see my sister or pick up groceries for the week he wants me to send him a text of where I am at and how long I will be. The second is he is VERY strict about my dress. I have always worn hijab since I became muslim and I do not love it but he does not like the jeans I wear or some of the other clothes. Out of respect for him I do not wear them anymore but the clothes he bought me to replace them are not the most "western" lol and do not blend into the surroundings much here.

                            The biggest issue is family planning. He does not believe that any form of man made birth control are halal. I wanted to wait at least until next year when I finished my graduate degree to start a family. That plan is already out as I became pregnant very quickly after marriage (mashallah I know its a blessing im not complaining haha). But I am concerned for the future, as I expected to only have 2-3 children but it appears if the trend continues that will not be the case lol.

                            Let me know what you guys think I should do? Am I being too picky or is he?
                            It'll be okay . Just do a distance learning course. Like Teaching Assistant Level 2 or something and when you want to emmigrate to your TEFL course and be on your way.

                            The rest will fall into place.

                            Life is too short to worryabout how many kids you are going to have. So many more important things to think about.
                            Last edited by Arsalan; 08-04-17, 09:06 AM.
                            "Closer and closer to mankind comes their Reckoning: yet they heed not and they turn away" (21:1)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Does anyone have suggestions for a newly married revert muslimah?

                              Originally posted by Arsalan View Post
                              It'll be okay . Just do a distance learning course. Like Teaching Assistant Level 2 or something and when you want to emmigrate to your TEFL course and be on your way.

                              The rest will fall into place.

                              Life is too short to worry about how many kids you are going to have. So many more important things to think about.
                              I'm not sure that's entirely true brother. For some women the balance of having children and how many is a very worrying issue as they know, from evidence around them, that having children can sometimes mess up a woman's body (beyond which they can control such as diet and exercise), and that can sometimes be catastrophic to a marriage. There are many men who complain that after babies their wife "isn't the same" and they are not attracted to her in the same way any more. It's a huge balancing act for women and some women choose one or the other because of this.

                              I'm not saying for one moment this is the sisters issue at all, but it's one of the many important issues that I know women think about a lot that can affect the rest of a woman's marriage.

                              Comment

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