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  • Choosing between husband and child

    Asalamu alaikum

    Since I have been away for a long while... I have new issues going on that I would like to share with u all in hopea to receive helpful advice...

    So I'm here backhome with my new husband.. many many many miles away from my child whom I dearly mis so much. I'm trying to stay happy as a new bride...well fairly new bride since it's been months for my marriage... but every time I remember my child I lose control and I wish to fly there the next day... my husband doesn't want me to leave too soon... he begs me to stay... on the other hand my child's begs me to return.... you have no idea how frustrated I am and I just don't know what to do... Ive been with my husband 4 months... is that enough time so that I can return to USA to my child?

    Gash I don't know what's the right thing to do... what's your advice... stay with husband or return to child who is 7 years old stating with my mom...

    Help me choose an action please :(
    :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

  • #2
    Re: Choosing between husband and child

    Is there a reason why you are separated from your child? Why cant you bring the child over? If the only reason because you are married... that would be ok for the first 2 weeks, after that he married a mum, and obviously undersrands that you will be having your child around...

    Your child is also your responsibilty, i'm sure you've already thought carefully what it meant to marry from back home and the struggles of bringing them over...
    *
    *
    * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

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    • #3
      Re: Choosing between husband and child

      I vaguely remember your situation. It was a bit messy if I recall.

      In my opinion, if your new husband still doesn't want you to go back to your kid after a few months, that's wrong. He knew (ideally) knew what he was getting into. And in my opinion, children should always come first. Esp since yours is still pretty young, that's a long time to be without his or her mother.
      Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Choosing between husband and child

        Wslm

        Why cant your child come live with you??

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Choosing between husband and child

          Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
          Asalamu alaikum

          Since I have been away for a long while... I have new issues going on that I would like to share with u all in hopea to receive helpful advice...

          So I'm here backhome with my new husband.. many many many miles away from my child whom I dearly mis so much. I'm trying to stay happy as a new bride...well fairly new bride since it's been months for my marriage... but every time I remember my child I lose control and I wish to fly there the next day... my husband doesn't want me to leave too soon... he begs me to stay... on the other hand my child's begs me to return.... you have no idea how frustrated I am and I just don't know what to do... Ive been with my husband 4 months... is that enough time so that I can return to USA to my child?

          Gash I don't know what's the right thing to do... what's your advice... stay with husband or return to child who is 7 years old stating with my mom...

          Help me choose an action please :(
          Waalaikimussalam
          I know someone went through similar.
          Divorced with two kids ,new husband wanted to spend time alone with her and he lived another country.
          She reluctantly agreed spent s few months apart from kids but is back with them now and husband also is planning to move back.

          It's tough to be in this situation,but men probably don't want distractions for the first few months of marriage I suppose.

          I dont get it though and I cant put a woman through that.
          Doesnt make sense.

          To answer your question few months is enough i suppose.

          Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

          **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

          Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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          • #6
            Re: Choosing between husband and child

            Therrs a war here that's why I didn't want to bring my child along... I didn't want my child to live in this mess listening to bombs all day...its,much safer in USA. Even I'm thinking to leave this country asap.
            :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Choosing between husband and child

              Thank u all for the feedback inshallah I will try to leAve before ramadan... but I'm still hoping to get pregnant before that.
              :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Choosing between husband and child

                Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                Asalamu alaikum

                Since I have been away for a long while... I have new issues going on that I would like to share with u all in hopea to receive helpful advice...

                So I'm here backhome with my new husband.. many many many miles away from my child whom I dearly mis so much. I'm trying to stay happy as a new bride...well fairly new bride since it's been months for my marriage... but every time I remember my child I lose control and I wish to fly there the next day... my husband doesn't want me to leave too soon... he begs me to stay... on the other hand my child's begs me to return.... you have no idea how frustrated I am and I just don't know what to do... Ive been with my husband 4 months... is that enough time so that I can return to USA to my child?

                Gash I don't know what's the right thing to do... what's your advice... stay with husband or return to child who is 7 years old stating with my mom...

                Help me choose an action please :(
                Hey hun. Congratulations I hope i get the blessing of having a 2nd husband some day... maybe you can prep me sis :love: perhaps next year lol.

                Well I would say to u sis that you FaceTime ur kid every day or several times a a day when you are usually with him if u were at home; for example bed time... give him a kiss good night and make sure u see him in his bed etc... tell him he can face time u any time.

                And i would say stay another month or so. I'm personally weary about back home marraiges sis so I'm hoping to Allah that Allah has blessed you with a good man whose character is good and his deen is good. Ameen.

                So I would say stay... enjoy ur marriage because once u get back ul be missing ur husband and flying back on demand isnt really an option hun.

                But if u strongly feel going back to ur child then that's the maternal instinct, u should listen to it. I would say though for some comfort that rasululah used to spend his early years with a stranger who became his foster mother (Halima) so don't feel too guilty. It takes a village to raise children and accept the help you can get and enjoy the few pleasures and break you can get once in a while. These times won't come back sis. Enjoy :)
                "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Choosing between husband and child

                  Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                  Thank u all for the feedback inshallah I will try to leAve before ramadan... but I'm still hoping to get pregnant before that.
                  Sister I don't advise u get pregnant before u can bring ur husband over. The law has become so strict in the west many mothers and fathers are finding it impossible to bring their spouses over. You'll be left between a hard place and a rock.
                  "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                  "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Choosing between husband and child

                    Originally posted by candyapple View Post
                    Hey hun. Congratulations I hope i get the blessing of having a 2nd husband some day... maybe you can prep me sis :love: perhaps next year lol.

                    Well I would say to u sis that you FaceTime ur kid every day or several times a a day when you are usually with him if u were at home; for example bed time... give him a kiss good night and make sure u see him in his bed etc... tell him he can face time u any time.

                    And i would say stay another month or so. I'm personally weary about back home marraiges sis so I'm hoping to Allah that Allah has blessed you with a good man whose character is good and his deen is good. Ameen.

                    So I would say stay... enjoy ur marriage because once u get back ul be missing ur husband and flying back on demand isnt really an option hun.

                    But if u strongly feel going back to ur child then that's the maternal instinct, u should listen to it. I would say though for some comfort that rasululah used to spend his early years with a stranger who became his foster mother (Halima) so don't feel too guilty. It takes a village to raise children and accept the help you can get and enjoy the few pleasures and break you can get once in a while. These times won't come back sis. Enjoy :)
                    That's what I've been trying to do... but to be honest it's very very hard... as soon as my husband leaves the house I see my child's face and I can't stop my self from crying... I can't enjoy myself knowing my child is far away missing me... my mother tells me the same u just said.. to enjoy my self as she's the one taking care of my child... but it's just hard.. I won't be able to enjoy my self without my child... it makes.me.feel guilty and selfish... ive decided my child needs me more then anything else in this world.. I understand.it's hard and.I will be missing my husband the way I miss my child... but maybe because I've been through this situation before maybe it wont be as hard inshallah. I apprecise your kind feedback sis and I pray that you find a good husband inshallah soon :)
                    :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Choosing between husband and child

                      Originally posted by candyapple View Post
                      Sister I don't advise u get pregnant before u can bring ur husband over. The law has become so strict in the west many mothers and fathers are finding it impossible to bring their spouses over. You'll be left between a hard place and a rock.
                      That's true... but waiting for my husband is gonna take a few years.. I might as well have a child at least to kinda forget the distance between us a little and to kinda just be busy with the child... and I'm sure my first child would be so happy to have a little brother or sister... but because I made a really big mistake by getting that depo shot into my system I don't think its,possible to get pregnant anytime soon... I'll just leave it to allah sbw
                      :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Choosing between husband and child

                        Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                        That's what I've been trying to do... but to be honest it's very very hard... as soon as my husband leaves the house I see my child's face and I can't stop my self from crying... I can't enjoy myself knowing my child is far away missing me... my mother tells me the same u just said.. to enjoy my self as she's the one taking care of my child... but it's just hard.. I won't be able to enjoy my self without my child... it makes.me.feel guilty and selfish... ive decided my child needs me more then anything else in this world.. I understand.it's hard and.I will be missing my husband the way I miss my child... but maybe because I've been through this situation before maybe it wont be as hard inshallah. I apprecise your kind feedback sis and I pray that you find a good husband inshallah soon :)
                        You're lucky sis that your mum is looking after ur kid, who is better or more experienced? At the end of the day Alalh is taking care of all of us, I know the feeling of guilt hun. But I'm a firm believer in if mommy is happy then her kids would benefit from a happy mommy.

                        Sis I know that motherhood changes a person from a girl to a woman. So I have full conviction you know best your situation and where u are at life and what u want from life. But I'm saying this from a mother to another mother, having a baby isn't easy sis and the last thing is want to see is u suffer with another pregnancy and birth especially if it husband wouldn't be around to support u. Would u be able to wait til ur husband comes over hun so u guys can enjoy the pregnancy together? Especially if this will be ur husbands first experience wouldn't u want him to feel the locks and massage ur feet when u get cramped up sis? Please think about it.
                        "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                        "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Choosing between husband and child

                          Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                          That's true... but waiting for my husband is gonna take a few years.. I might as well have a child at least to kinda forget the distance between us a little and to kinda just be busy with the child... and I'm sure my first child would be so happy to have a little brother or sister... but because I made a really big mistake by getting that depo shot into my system I don't think its,possible to get pregnant anytime soon... I'll just leave it to allah sbw
                          Ok sis don't hate me... and please understand I'm thinking about u first... do u know how hard it would be to give birth and raise the baby as a single mother for the child's first few years of its life? And what if it husband can't wait a few years?

                          Please have this convo with him sis.
                          "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                          "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Choosing between husband and child

                            Originally posted by candyapple View Post
                            Ok sis don't hate me... and please understand I'm thinking about u first... do u know how hard it would be to give birth and raise the baby as a single mother for the child's first few years of its life? And what if it husband can't wait a few years?

                            Please have this convo with him sis.
                            The thing is... ive donw it before with alot of help from my family it actually went pretty smooth and easy.. my child is now 7 yes old... but I admit that it would have been more.enjoyable with the daddy along... my husband is actually the one encouraging me to get pregnant... at first I strictly denied the idea and that's how I got the depo shot... but now I feel like I'm ready for the next child if allah is willing to get this nasty stuff out of my system anytime soon... do u know any sisters that got the depo shot before... I have so many questions to ask them :/
                            :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Choosing between husband and child

                              Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                              The thing is... ive donw it before with alot of help from my family it actually went pretty smooth and easy.. my child is now 7 yes old... but I admit that it would have been more.enjoyable with the daddy along... my husband is actually the one encouraging me to get pregnant... at first I strictly denied the idea and that's how I got the depo shot... but now I feel like I'm ready for the next child if allah is willing to get this nasty stuff out of my system anytime soon... do u know any sisters that got the depo shot before... I have so many questions to ask them :/
                              Can I tell you sis my story so u understand what my concern is. I don't know if ur ex was from Pakistan too? Or was he from your hometown?

                              My husband did everything he could to get me pregnant when I was 17. He would take me clinics everyday and pressure me until he made me believe I was infertile (with his subtle digs) until I was distraught and thought there was something wrong with me. Then I REALLY wanted a baby (the concept of not being able to have a baby is scary) to please him. I was desperate.

                              He put amulets and everything so I conceive.

                              His agenda ofcourse was that I bring him to this country. And if I didn't get pregnant by the time i left then he was paranoid I would see him for who he was and I would delay the process of bringing him over. There wouldn't be an urgent need to bring him over.

                              I think that your husband might be playing along the same line of thinking sis. If he's here to stay he can wait and the smartest thing u can do is wait hun. Even if u really want a baby now. There are so many complications that can happen in pregnancy, I wouldn't advise u do that to itself or ur son until ur husband comes over and u guys can support each other. I'm sorry sis this isn't something u would want to hear but its something u need to hear to save u from potential heartache.
                              "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                              "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

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