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No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

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  • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
    We were talking about my future and I mentioned my plans to get married after finding a job. That's where it began.
    I got marriage brought up to me when I was 17, it has been on and off ever since. But actual search began about year ago.

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    • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
      The reason these are dilemmas are because I think if my parents like her, and both families have good ties, then this will lend stability to the marriage. I want to search solo, but my doing so I may just be sacrificing that.
      So you would choose stability of the marriage over a pious wife?
      ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
      "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
      :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

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      • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

        Originally posted by RaNdOm View Post
        So you would choose stability of the marriage over a pious wife?
        False dichotomy. I want both.

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        • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
          False dichotomy. I want both.
          You made it a dichotomy by saying you may be sacrificing that by searching solo
          ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
          "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
          :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

          Comment


          • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

            Originally posted by RaNdOm View Post
            You made it a dichotomy by saying you may be sacrificing that by searching solo
            But it's not completely impossible that I find someone pious through my parents. I just find it unlikely, or it will take a lot of effort and headache to convince them.

            Here's the dichotomy. Search through my parents, with a low chance of finding someone good, but with a high chance of stability. Or search solo, with a higher chance to find someone good, but a low chance of stability.

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            • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              But it's not completely impossible that I find someone pious through my parents. I just find it unlikely, or it will take a lot of effort and headache to convince them.

              Here's the dichotomy. Search through my parents, with a low chance of finding someone good, but with a high chance of stability. Or search solo, with a higher chance to find someone good, but a low chance of stability.
              But isn't a lot of headache/effort worth it... I mean you are talking about the rest of your life inshaAllah. Wouldn't you rather take that headache/effort on alone rather than bring a wife into the picture to share the burden

              Stability doesn't just come from families getting on. Will you pleased with someone who isn't practicing and doesn't fulfil your rights? That's lack of stability too. As long as her and her parents are on board, I think you shouldn't worry about stability too much. As long as she can talk to you and she can talk to her parents and they are all aware that your extended fam may not be too pleased then that is the stability you need.
              ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
              "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
              :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

              Comment


              • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                Originally posted by RaNdOm View Post
                But isn't a lot of headache/effort worth it... I mean you are talking about the rest of your life inshaAllah. Wouldn't you rather take that headache/effort on alone rather than bring a wife into the picture to share the burden

                Stability doesn't just come from families getting on. Will you pleased with someone who isn't practicing and doesn't fulfil your rights? That's lack of stability too. As long as her and her parents are on board, I think you shouldn't worry about stability too much. As long as she can talk to you and she can talk to her parents and they are all aware that your extended fam may not be too pleased then that is the stability you need.
                We live in turbulent times. Marriages are too brittle nowadays. Of course I am worried about stability.

                I'll reflect on what you've said.

                Comment


                • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                  Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                  But it's not completely impossible that I find someone pious through my parents. I just find it unlikely, or it will take a lot of effort and headache to convince them.

                  Here's the dichotomy. Search through my parents, with a low chance of finding someone good, but with a high chance of stability. Or search solo, with a higher chance to find someone good, but a low chance of stability.
                  If you don't find someone good, then it won't be stable. You won't be happy with her and she won't be happy with you.

                  Can you convince your folks that you are simply "different" from rest of the family and you desire something different. At least it was something my folks noticed it with me and shrugged it off as being "born in white western world" and that their conventional understanding of helping you to have stable marriage will not work, as you want something "different" in the eyes of your parents.

                  Maybe you can achieve to change your parents mentality from "extremists"- type to "just someone with bit different taste" - type. Even that change will make your folks to try look for the type that you are looking for. That such proposals that your folks are suggesting will make you unhappy in the long run.

                  I'm curious, you said your folks are ok with white. Are they generally ok with race-mixing?

                  America seems rough place to live, but I like how you guys can openly carry guns.

                  Comment


                  • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                    Originally posted by HelloEverybody View Post
                    If you don't find someone good, then it won't be stable. You won't be happy with her and she won't be happy with you.

                    Can you convince your folks that you are simply "different" from rest of the family and you desire something different. At least it was something my folks noticed it with me and shrugged it off as being "born in white western world" and that their conventional understanding of helping you to have stable marriage will not work, as you want something "different" in the eyes of your parents.

                    Maybe you can achieve to change your parents mentality from "extremists"- type to "just someone with bit different taste" - type. Even that change will make your folks to try look for the type that you are looking for. That such proposals that your folks are suggesting will make you unhappy in the long run.

                    I'm curious, you said your folks are ok with white. Are they generally ok with race-mixing?

                    America seems rough place to live, but I like how you guys can openly carry guns.
                    Well obviously I will reject anyone my parents find that isn't suitable.

                    They already know I'm different. I don't think they will ever be comfortable with my choice. But who knows.

                    They're not ok with all race mixing. Blacks and East Asians are off the table for them.

                    Comment


                    • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                      We were talking about my future and I mentioned my plans to get married after finding a job. That's where it began.
                      Right, because you're almost done with school. Funny thing is, my mom has never brought up the topic, and I can't imagine her doing so.
                      ***Reminder- It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that RasulAllah :saw: said: Whoever reads Tabaarak allaathi bi yadihi’l-mulk [i.e., Soorat al-Mulk] every night, Allaah will protect him from the torment of the grave.
                      And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror]. [Quran, 14:42]

                      Comment


                      • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                        Originally posted by Thunder94 View Post
                        Right, because you're almost done with school. Funny thing is, my mom has never brought up the topic, and I can't imagine her doing so.
                        She probably still sees you as a baby. Like all mothers do.

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                        • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                          Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                          Well obviously I will reject anyone my parents find that isn't suitable.

                          They already know I'm different. I don't think they will ever be comfortable with my choice. But who knows.

                          They're not ok with all race mixing. Blacks and East Asians are off the table for them.
                          yeah. mine too, no race mixing. But special hate is given to white for some reason. Probably because they assume, white are majority here and I'm drawn to them. Finding a muslim women here is relatively hard.

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                          • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                            She probably still sees you as a baby. Like all mothers do.
                            Yup, that's what I'm thinking. Maybe she'll bring it up after a few years of working.
                            ***Reminder- It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that RasulAllah :saw: said: Whoever reads Tabaarak allaathi bi yadihi’l-mulk [i.e., Soorat al-Mulk] every night, Allaah will protect him from the torment of the grave.
                            And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror]. [Quran, 14:42]

                            Comment


                            • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                              Originally posted by Thunder94 View Post
                              Yup, that's what I'm thinking. Maybe she'll bring it up after a few years of working.
                              Can't you bring it up yourself, if you feel ready? Or is that something you can't do?

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                              • Re: No access to religious families, and other dilemmas

                                Originally posted by HelloEverybody View Post
                                Can't you bring it up yourself, if you feel ready? Or is that something you can't do?
                                Eh, I dunno. I'm not even ready for it right now and probably won't be for at least 2 years or so - maybe I will then.
                                ***Reminder- It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that RasulAllah :saw: said: Whoever reads Tabaarak allaathi bi yadihi’l-mulk [i.e., Soorat al-Mulk] every night, Allaah will protect him from the torment of the grave.
                                And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror]. [Quran, 14:42]

                                Comment

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