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Do sisters rely on men too much?

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  • #16
    Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

    Originally posted by quark View Post
    Why would anyone have to work in an ideal world?
    in my world of ideals, still a world we're getting tested , no point of dreaming about perfection

    he should have gheerah (the leadership, the urgency to provide and protect his family) and not pressure me to work but instead give me a choice to work if i want in a suitable environment

    men want a dual income, i dont want to be superwoman doing everything, i want a healthy balance - ideally
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    • #17
      Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

      Originally posted by quark View Post
      I don't think that's particularly common, so it doesn't bother me.
      This.

      I don't think this is a common thing that you expect your husband to transform you.
      82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

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      • #18
        Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

        :salams

        I don't see anything wrong or worrisome with the things listed. It's sort of the man's job to lead the family and make sure they are fulfilling their obligations/getting correct guidance Islamically. Men actually feel "manly" and more like a leader, which is their role in the family, when they can advice, answer, protect, provide, have someone to rely on, etc.

        Obviously, we are assuming that the other person is actually mature and not childish that this turns into something like a parent-child relationship where the father has to remind his daughter to pray on time, dress appropriately, etc.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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        • #19
          Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

          Carry heavy things for me? Well yes.

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          • #20
            Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

            Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
            ...Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.
            Yes, they are often expecting too much from men, and no it wouldn't bother me too much as it's better to try to understand why people get into these thought patterns.

            If shaitan despairs of leading you into major sins, or more of them he will seek to distract you with lesser good deeds, or make you procrastinate before doing good deeds, this seems to be part of this method by making a woman spoil part of her life in waiting, not learning or acting upon that learning. This is especially damaging as these days we are delaying marriage as a community for our younger adults.

            Also, lets be blunt, our communities are often in a mess when it comes to provision of sisters deeni education, and I've never seen a situation where sisters have access to knowledge in the same way brothers do. Even in a community where lots of classes are available for sisters, there is never parity.

            Finally, a man is meant to be the leader of the household, I think it's natural a sister would want her husband's help, to yearn and desire that leadership, just as long as she doesn't let that cripple her in her own search for knowledge either before or after marriage.
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            • #21
              Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

              Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
              A lot of sisters act like marriage is the only door to improving their deen, they want a husband who will teach them and their kids, a husband who will help them move, who will answer their questions, correct their mistakes, make sure they pray etc and so on. It's all well and good seeking out someone who can help you in all these matters who is more knowledgeable than you or more active than you in the deen or better than you but why would such people want to marry you if you haven't done anything for yourself and you are waiting on a man to come and 'transform' you?

              For example. people actually expect their spouses to wake them up for tahajjud and fajr lol, if you can't wake up now i doubt a husband or wife is going to change that. If you want someone who prays these prayers, you establish them in your own life first. If you want someone with knowledge, you seek knowledge first. Any good quality you want in a spouse you should find in your own self first. Then naturally you will find yourself surrounded by similar people.

              As for children, the mother is going to be at home with them, she will be teaching them. You can't rely on somebody else for this, so if your deen is dependant on somebody else then what about your kids?

              Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.
              Originally posted by lonelyniqabi View Post
              Agreed. If you're trying to improve your deen then do it for the sake of Allah, and for your own benefit, not for your husband or anyone else.

              :jkk:
              Indeed we belong to Allah,
              and indeed to Him we will return.


              Quran 2:156

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              • #22
                Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                Originally posted by Gingerbeardman View Post
                Yes, they are often expecting too much from men, and no it wouldn't bother me too much as it's better to try to understand why people get into these thought patterns.

                If shaitan despairs of leading you into major sins, or more of them he will seek to distract you with lesser good deeds, or make you procrastinate before doing good deeds, this seems to be part of this method by making a woman spoil part of her life in waiting, not learning or acting upon that learning. This is especially damaging as these days we are delaying marriage as a community for our younger adults.

                Also, lets be blunt, our communities are often in a mess when it comes to provision of sisters deeni education, and I've never seen a situation where sisters have access to knowledge in the same way brothers do. Even in a community where lots of classes are available for sisters, there is never parity.

                Finally, a man is meant to be the leader of the household, I think it's natural a sister would want her husband's help, to yearn and desire that leadership, just as long as she doesn't let that cripple her in her own search for knowledge either before or after marriage.
                It's actually really shameful how little there is available for sisters here. The amount of times we've seen the masjid bring in scholars and or hold good classes and they say "sorry brothers only"...
                and for sisters, they get some small half an hour to an hour class on tajweed maybe, something on being a good wife maybe, some little meet up where sisters just talk etc. Nothing really compared to what is offered to brothers. I think that's one of the reasons sisters feel the way they do and see marriage as the only option left, it's all well and good to see it like that and I would encourage sisters to aim high when seeking a spouse but at the same time you have to start doing something yourself, you have to at least try, make dua and try. A husband is an addition, a helping hand maybe but he can't be relied upon for all your knowledge and worship.
                شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

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                • #23
                  Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                  Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                  It's actually really shameful how little there is available for sisters here. The amount of times we've seen the masjid bring in scholars and or hold good classes and they say "sorry brothers only"...
                  and for sisters, they get some small half an hour to an hour class on tajweed maybe, something on being a good wife maybe, some little meet up where sisters just talk etc. Nothing really compared to what is offered to brothers. I think that's one of the reasons sisters feel the way they do and see marriage as the only option left, it's all well and good to see it like that and I would encourage sisters to aim high when seeking a spouse but at the same time you have to start doing something yourself, you have to at least try, make dua and try. A husband is an addition, a helping hand maybe but he can't be relied upon for all your knowledge and worship.
                  Are there no female scholars to teach equally good classes
                  [SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][B][U][CENTER]Oh Allah, in your name, I die and live.[/CENTER][/U][/B][/FONT][/SIZE]
                  [CENTER]:):lailah::lailah::lailah::lailah::)[/CENTER]

                  [B][CENTER]Ya Allah, Grant Me A Heart That Sees[/CENTER][/B]

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                  • #24
                    Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                    Originally posted by zantz View Post
                    Are there no female scholars to teach equally good classes
                    nope
                    and if there are their husbands are probably keeping them at home or they are busy with kids etc
                    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
                    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
                    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
                    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                      Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
                      A lot of sisters act like marriage is the only door to improving their deen, they want a husband who will teach them and their kids, a husband who will help them move, who will answer their questions, correct their mistakes, make sure they pray etc and so on. It's all well and good seeking out someone who can help you in all these matters who is more knowledgeable than you or more active than you in the deen or better than you but why would such people want to marry you if you haven't done anything for yourself and you are waiting on a man to come and 'transform' you?

                      For example. people actually expect their spouses to wake them up for tahajjud and fajr lol, if you can't wake up now i doubt a husband or wife is going to change that. If you want someone who prays these prayers, you establish them in your own life first. If you want someone with knowledge, you seek knowledge first. Any good quality you want in a spouse you should find in your own self first. Then naturally you will find yourself surrounded by similar people.

                      As for children, the mother is going to be at home with them, she will be teaching them. You can't rely on somebody else for this, so if your deen is dependant on somebody else then what about your kids?

                      Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.
                      Agreed. This is something important for women to at least be cognizant of. Women are generally more easily influenced by men than vice versa. If she goes into marriage with this mindset and her husband becomes weaker in deen, this puts her in a position to be influenced in the wrong direction; that's why it's important to have a good base on your own. Now, some will think, well, she shouldn't marry someone whose iman gets weak. Truth is, he might be great in the beginning, but life happens and iman fluctuates.

                      I can see the importance of this also in other aspects of life, even outside of religion. For myself, before I was married, I had this idea that my life was stopped until I found a husband. It got very real, to the point that I wouldn't buy furniture for my house, just a bare house with not even a sofa, or make friends or anything because I thought my husband would do that for me. It was like a switch...get married and instant life happens.

                      Well...I was fairly blessed to get into a situation that played out that way pretty much, but I had to step it up because I wasn't feeling right about being a baby of sorts. Husbands are good, many won't make a complaint, but it can feel bad to put this person kind of in charge of your happiness. Ideally, a balanced individual before marriage will make an easier transition for everyone involved.

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                      • #26
                        Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                        , i heard somewhere but i am not sure. Ie husband is responsible for his wife's sins but wife is not responsible for her husband's sins.

                        I do not know the whole context, i have to reconfirm it though

                        anyone heard this?
                        Please Please Please Make Dua for these [URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?455964-Plz-Make-Dua-for-these-members&p=6715010&viewfull=1#post6715010"]Click Here[/URL] JazakAllahi

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                        • #27
                          Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                          As has been mentioned above, due to the relatively lesser islamic classes and facilities that's available for sisters, it's understandable why they'll rely to a certain extent on the men of their family to help them in their deen who on the contrary are a lot more exposed to islamic activities and classes in mosques, etc.

                          However, on the day of judgement everyone will each receive their own book and no one will take responsibility for the other therefore it's imperative that one should constantly work to improve their own iman and increase in their actions.

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                          • #28
                            Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                            I find this strange... never seen a woman like that... i have seen both men and women wanting someone more religious to help them continue or get better... but not someone who knows nothing expecting classes from their partners...

                            We all have limitations, some might be more consistent giving sadaqah, others more consistent with their prayers, others might be better at remembering Allah during the day... wanting someone who will complement your limitations is a good thing...
                            *
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                            * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

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