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Do sisters rely on men too much?

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  • Do sisters rely on men too much?

    A lot of sisters act like marriage is the only door to improving their deen, they want a husband who will teach them and their kids, a husband who will help them move, who will answer their questions, correct their mistakes, make sure they pray etc and so on. It's all well and good seeking out someone who can help you in all these matters who is more knowledgeable than you or more active than you in the deen or better than you but why would such people want to marry you if you haven't done anything for yourself and you are waiting on a man to come and 'transform' you?

    For example. people actually expect their spouses to wake them up for tahajjud and fajr lol, if you can't wake up now i doubt a husband or wife is going to change that. If you want someone who prays these prayers, you establish them in your own life first. If you want someone with knowledge, you seek knowledge first. Any good quality you want in a spouse you should find in your own self first. Then naturally you will find yourself surrounded by similar people.

    As for children, the mother is going to be at home with them, she will be teaching them. You can't rely on somebody else for this, so if your deen is dependant on somebody else then what about your kids?

    Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.
    شَكَوْتُ إلَى وَكِيعٍ سُوءَ حِفْظِي
    فَأرْشَدَنِي إلَى تَرْكِ المعَاصي
    وَأخْبَرَنِي بأَنَّ العِلْمَ نُورٌ
    ونورُ الله لا يهدى لعاصي

  • #2
    Do sisters rely on men too much?

    Yes this bothers me a lot. It would be a big burden on me, actually, cause I'm not some perfect holy man. I sin too. She's in for a big disappointment if she expects all this from me.

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    • #3
      Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

      I don't see a problem with any of the above.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

        Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
        A lot of sisters act like marriage is the only door to improving their deen, they want a husband who will teach them and their kids, a husband who will help them move, who will answer their questions, correct their mistakes, make sure they pray etc and so on. It's all well and good seeking out someone who can help you in all these matters who is more knowledgeable than you or more active than you in the deen or better than you but why would such people want to marry you if you haven't done anything for yourself and you are waiting on a man to come and 'transform' you?

        For example. people actually expect their spouses to wake them up for tahajjud and fajr lol, if you can't wake up now i doubt a husband or wife is going to change that. If you want someone who prays these prayers, you establish them in your own life first. If you want someone with knowledge, you seek knowledge first. Any good quality you want in a spouse you should find in your own self first. Then naturally you will find yourself surrounded by similar people.

        As for children, the mother is going to be at home with them, she will be teaching them. You can't rely on somebody else for this, so if your deen is dependant on somebody else then what about your kids?

        Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.

        Agreed. If you're trying to improve your deen then do it for the sake of Allah, and for your own benefit, not for your husband or anyone else.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

          Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
          A lot of sisters act like marriage is the only door to improving their deen, they want a husband who will teach them and their kids, a husband who will help them move, who will answer their questions, correct their mistakes, make sure they pray etc and so on. It's all well and good seeking out someone who can help you in all these matters who is more knowledgeable than you or more active than you in the deen or better than you but why would such people want to marry you if you haven't done anything for yourself and you are waiting on a man to come and 'transform' you?

          For example. people actually expect their spouses to wake them up for tahajjud and fajr lol, if you can't wake up now i doubt a husband or wife is going to change that. If you want someone who prays these prayers, you establish them in your own life first. If you want someone with knowledge, you seek knowledge first. Any good quality you want in a spouse you should find in your own self first. Then naturally you will find yourself surrounded by similar people.

          As for children, the mother is going to be at home with them, she will be teaching them. You can't rely on somebody else for this, so if your deen is dependant on somebody else then what about your kids?

          Are sisters expecting too much from men? doesn't this bother brothers? Agree or disagree. I'm just sharing/writing out some of my thoughts.
          Agreed. We must be the change we wish to see in others.

          The spiritual value of a woman does not depend on who her husband is. Asiyah was a saintly women (one of the four women who attained perfection) and yet her husband was Fir'awn. Likewise, the spiritual value of a man does not depend on his wife. Lot and Noah, peace be upon them, were prophets of Allah and they were both very close to Him. Their wives were treacherous disbelievers.

          Of course, we must look for religiously devout spouses; but we must be aware that everyone has faults; and so long as one finds many flaws within himself, he does not deserve a flawless spouse.

          A man once asked his friend who was an old bachelor. "Why are you still unmarried?" The bachelor replied: "I spend forty years of my life searching for a flawless wife; until finally, on the top of a mountain, I met the woman of my dreams." "Why did you not marry her then?" "Alas", said the bachelor, "She was also looking for a flawless man."

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

            Definitely true and worrying.. yes we all want religious husbands who will guide and lead and encourage us..
            But we are changing and improving for Allah s.w.t not for the purpose of marriage.
            Some sisters see marriage as the be all and end all and this attitude has seriously got to change.. of course it's a significant part of one's life that is beautiful.. but your husband does not become your whole life.. if you're not interested in transforming religiously for your lord,how will a husband help you do this.. after marriage it's not about chilling at home n getting married just so you don't have to work.. there will be responsibilities, a whole other person and children. All of your inner problems within yourself and amongst family and friends, don't just dissapear because you've moved out.. they could amplify. Your happiness is not just dependent on your husband.. yes you are both one, but you are individual beings too. You still have your own family and friends,your own passion, interests and goals. Your life will change of course but you don't just transform as a different person. Be the person that you want to be, this life is short.. who knows what's around the corner.. Maybe marriage isn't in your destiny.. Feeling like you're lacking something is understandable, but if its deficits in you (lol no ones perfect so I don't mean minor things), then do you really want to enter someones life, feeling like that?
            And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
            [al-An’aam 6:59]

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            • #7
              Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

              I don't think that's particularly common, so it doesn't bother me.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                Looks like some sisters need baby sitting...
                Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                  No, I will just rely on him for the monthly bills to be paid.
                  I think that's fliipin reasonable, i'm not ASKING FOR HIS BLOOD but you know some men :wacko: they want it ALL from YOU and nothing from them
                  suck it ALL OUT OF HER , take, take and TAKE MORE.

                  ajeeb, PROPER ajeeb mate :1popcorn:

                  just looking for a normal out of this world man

                  but I think some people do have these types of fantasies where they will get married and wake up together, hold hands and skip to the park and look at one another's eyes forever :wacko:

                  I am sorry to those that are like this, sorry, but hey, at least we have donuts to make us happy. If you need therapy after reading this then, all the best.
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                    just to add, it's not only women who have these expectations
                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                      Hmmm interesting

                      i used to be like this

                      but I realised then u give up too much of yourself to someone else and it makes u less proactive and if actions are by intentions - the reward is going to be from using your own intiativd moreso than doing it cos someone said you should

                      having said that, it's also a blessing if Allah swt blesses you with someone that will guide you to good

                      the husband and wife would both benefit if they act like guardians of each other's hereafter
                      ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
                      "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
                      :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                        In an ideal world, he is the breadwinner and the provider, Islamically too.

                        In the real world, you are both providers. Things have changed.
                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                          Well a practising spouse is a blessing and indeed makes practising deen easier. I can say for men, one big source of fitnah is instantly removed when they get married. And they are protected from that angle in most reasonable marriages. Secondly, I face this issue a lot that for example, when I am in my home country where I can hear Adhaan, where mother reminds to pray and there is an environment then I pray at Masjid. In foreign lands, its difficult. One sometimes prays towards the middle or end at home. I can imagine that having a wife to remind or if I can remind her can benefit both. Besides that, if both are practising then there will be a natural feeling of shame if you do not get up for fajr. Its like a peer pressure. Ideally, we should be mindful of Allah all the time. But realistically having a companion who reminds us of Allah helps a lot.

                          And many sisters may have practical issues in practising alone. Such as if they worry about jobs and then they are afraid to take Hijab. And they do not have the time to learn Islam. I know some who only demand that if husband earns and brings food on the table then it can help them practice Hijab, have more time to learn Islam instead of having to work etc.

                          So many sisters can seriously learn Islam only after marriage(if husband provides alone). Well they may still have duties at home. But one can surely find more time to learn Islam as a house wife than as a working woman. Also if the husband is knowledgeable and she is less then she can always take the guidance from him. Same goes for waking up for Tahajjud etc.

                          In a nutshell, a healthy Islamic marriage can upgrade your practice of Deen by a LOT.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                            In an ideal world, he is the breadwinner and the provider, Islamically too.

                            In the real world, you are both providers. Things have changed.
                            Why would anyone have to work in an ideal world?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Do sisters rely on men too much?

                              Waking up one another for fajr alternately seems quite possible though.
                              Last edited by DerGläubiger; 22-02-17, 10:53 PM.

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