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Temper problems in potential spouse

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  • #91
    Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
    Lol.

    Hope you're well insha'Allaah.
    Me too inshaAllah

    hope you're well too inshaAllah
    ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
    "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
    :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

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    • #92
      Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
      :salams:

      How can you find out whether a potential has a short temper/anger problems? I imagine this is something they will not admit and keep well hidden. Would friends and family be reluctant to disclose this information?
      Ask them to find something on the internet with a slow wifi connection....

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      • #93
        Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

        I'm not really sure if I can answer this completely, but I suggest you get the gist of how a persons temper is, with how they talk about certain topics, and in which manner. If they seem harsh with their words and actions, then that might be a trigger, but otherwise maybe making statements on what you're looking for in terms of say, children wise, something that requires you to have a different opinion, and see how they react. If they're able to control themselves, and talk through things calmly, then perhaps they're alright, but if they get argumentative then it might be different. However, as people have rightly said its impossible to truly know until you have to live with that person, stress can bring out the worst of even the most calmest people. So, I'd see whether they hold grudges or understand their temper, can they forgive themselves and others, that is the question. Hope this helps.

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        • #94
          Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

          :wswrwb:

          Asking how someone deals with their anger is a good question. We all experience anger and having an answer to this question might answer your question Inshallah.

          You might also ask, how they deal with irritation and frustration. These would be good answers to hear.

          Generally, questions beginning with What... or How... are good for this.
          Last edited by Rifqah; 23-02-17, 08:06 PM.

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          • #95
            Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

            Originally posted by Rumaysah~ View Post
            you don't have to say or do anything just observe and ask questions and don't be shy about asking what needs to be asked, that's basically it. Some people don't like being asked a lot of questions or asked certain things and this may differ from culture to culture and place to place, but if you see signs at this stage then that gives you an idea. If you have brothers or other mahrams to spend time with the potential that can also help.

            As for patience, my family/siblings will be enough to test anyone's patience lol
            Personally i'm not worried about giving the wrong impression, if this is something that is part of my personality then the person might as well know from the beginning. It's not done on purpose most of the time. I don't really care how others see it, nobody is perfect.
            [MENTION=94821]Peony[/MENTION] What's wrong with asking questions? you can ask through a middle person I don't think meetings are right for that.
            There's no way you can go based on trust alone these days. It's not about sounding like a weirdo lol, it's more about the approach than what is said.
            People need to learn to be ok with themselves, even the strange parts of themselves and if it's something bad then change it but you can't change any aspect of yourself if you don't know it's there to begin with.
            I understand where you're coming from, however i don't think its necessary to exaggerate things to the point of testing eachother out. What if he (and i'm sure he doesn't) know of your intentions? He'll just think you're being strange and frankly i believe so too. Its not about changing who you are, by all means be as straightforward as can get. Don't be afraid to voice your opinions and state your facts.

            In refards to anger issues, you'll never truly know unless you ask around and turn to Allah swt for help. Thats the best solution in my opinion.
            All humans are dead, except those who have knowledge.
            And all those who have knowledge are asleep, except those who do good deeds.
            And those who do good deeds are deceived, except those who are sincere.
            And those who are sincere are always in a state of worry.”

            Imam Shafi'i (رحمه الله)

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            • #96
              Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              :salams:

              How can you find out whether a potential has a short temper/anger problems? I imagine this is something they will not admit and keep well hidden. Would friends and family be reluctant to disclose this information?
              You can't.


              There's only one way to find that out, but by that time, it's already too late.

              You can't taste the cookie before you put it in your mouth and chew it.

              Sorry about that. But, that's life.

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              • #97
                Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                Originally posted by Jade Vine View Post
                You can't.


                There's only one way to find that out, but by that time, it's already too late.

                You can't taste the cookie before you put it in your mouth and chew it.

                Sorry about that. But, that's life.

                Jade viiiiiiiiiiine

                i missed u
                ...And he who fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. [65:3]
                "Put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."
                :love: [Al-Imran 3:159] :love:

                Comment


                • #98
                  Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                  Originally posted by RaNdOm View Post
                  Jade viiiiiiiiiiine

                  i missed u
                  Missed you too ;)

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                    :salams:

                    How can you find out whether a potential has a short temper/anger problems? I imagine this is something they will not admit and keep well hidden. Would friends and family be reluctant to disclose this information?
                    Waalaikumussalam ,
                    Simple the more the chatterbox ,less the temper.
                    If she chats a lot with arms waving and all that ,she is probably a very emotional person.

                    Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYk...dE4pHzSid7Lr0w

                    **** Smiling won't cost you now is it ****

                    Zawjati ,“Uhibbuki mithla mâ antê” “Uhibbuki kaifamâ kunteee”“Wa mahmâ kâna mahma sâra”

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                    • Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                      There are some things you never know about a person unless you marry him/her.

                      During marriage meetings, people would most likely give politically correct answers. Even if a question irks them, they will still remain calm & polite. There's no foolproof method to gauge the akhlaaq or adab of a potential. Also, not many people would honestly admit their weaknesses , even if they do, they will downplay them.

                      There are many, many people in this world who are extremely nice, friendly and affectionate with almost everyone but are simply horrible to their spouse - a sad reality.

                      They'd be willing to overlook & forgive a big fault made by a stranger, but when it comes to a little fault made by their spouse, they lose their temper, snap at him/her, throw a fit etc.

                      Hence, never rely completely on people's testimonies about a potential.

                      I once read a piece on some of the world's most well-known personalities & humanitarians - they were famous worldwide for reaching out & helping those in need, but their wives were not happy with them as their behaviour was not good towards them. They were a different person outdoors and a totally different person indoors.

                      That's why the hadith of Rasoolullah :saw: states that the best person is the one who is best with his family.

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                      • Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                        Originally posted by Ikki View Post
                        Ask them to find something on the internet with a slow wifi connection....
                        Haha, I could imagine that ruling out many. Make them download something if you really want to test them.

                        Though in answer to the OP, a couple of factors could help: family upbringing and just being honest with them (i.e. ask outright- 'how do you handle stressful/ complicated situations?').

                        I say family upbringing because we really do underestimate how it affects us as adults. If you know your wife to be has come from a turbulent home life where she's witnessed abuse or even, Allah forbid, experienced it herself, more likely than not, it will have left a lasting imprint. What imprint that is- only she can say.

                        Secondly, if you know it won't cause a big scene, ask outright. I know I did and I think that was one of the first things I asked, even. He was fine with that question and didn't take it as an insult. You have to, in this day and age, when even people's family will hide conditions and whatnot from potentials. Because of that, people have grown and are a lot more understanding than we give them credit for. And hey, if they get angry at the question- well... you can take that as a sign I suppose...?

                        I would say a third category is find out if they have social media (including an UF account- hurhur, since it is one of the largest Muslim forums) and check. This is good for all sorts: finding info on their habits, friendship groups, interests (that they otherwise would have hidden from you). It shows you a real representation of them, which could be the difference between going ahead and cutting things off.
                        ⚔ Even in death may you be triumphant ⚔
                        U.F Sadaqah Jariyah Project

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                        • Re: Temper problems in potential spouse

                          Originally posted by Meriadoc View Post
                          Haha, I could imagine that ruling out many. Make them download something if you really want to test them.

                          Though in answer to the OP, a couple of factors could help: family upbringing and just being honest with them (i.e. ask outright- 'how do you handle stressful/ complicated situations?').

                          I say family upbringing because we really do underestimate how it affects us as adults. If you know your wife to be has come from a turbulent home life where she's witnessed abuse or even, Allah forbid, experienced it herself, more likely than not, it will have left a lasting imprint. What imprint that is- only she can say.

                          Secondly, if you know it won't cause a big scene, ask outright. I know I did and I think that was one of the first things I asked, even. He was fine with that question and didn't take it as an insult. You have to, in this day and age, when even people's family will hide conditions and whatnot from potentials. Because of that, people have grown and are a lot more understanding than we give them credit for. And hey, if they get angry at the question- well... you can take that as a sign I suppose...?

                          I would say a third category is find out if they have social media (including an UF account- hurhur, since it is one of the largest Muslim forums) and check. This is good for all sorts: finding info on their habits, friendship groups, interests (that they otherwise would have hidden from you). It shows you a real representation of them, which could be the difference between going ahead and cutting things off.
                          The thing about asking is one thing but getting a true picture is another. What's someone who really has an issue with temper going to say? More than likely they are going to keep quiet about it, knowing that in all likelihood if he mentions it then it's going to bring an end to proceedings. The same for a woman, if she has a short fuse what's she going to be like with a couple of small children and a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I'm guessing most men would move on so again she'll do her best to play it down.

                          The background checks from friends and families is the only real solution, that and the wali spending some extended time with the person and even then you might never find out.

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