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  • Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
    We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
    Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
    Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(

  • Amina A
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
    We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements.
    I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
    Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
    Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(
    Dear Sister

    I would strongly advise to take it easy and forget about kids for now. I think due to your disagreements and his behaviour (not being intimate with you), i would just focus on getting to know him a bit better and addressing his unacceptable behaviour. The fact that he is refusing to be intimate with you over this is more of a worry at the moment then his views on parenting which by the way sound very cold - a child does not deserve cruelty in order to learn to value things. I would ensure you both are secure within your relationship first and happy with eachother. If you are arguing like this now over this issue then i would suggest not bringing a child into the world just yet. Many men and women fret and get stressed over things they have not experienced yet and even react completely differently to their previous views when faced with the situation, this is normal but i just think his current behaviour is a bit worrying. Talk to him, try and make him understand avoiding you is not the answer. Also someone mentioned babysitting a nephew/neice - i think this is a great idea. You need to see how he is with children so then you can both talk about it after etc. However bear in mind people always act differently with their own kids.

    Inshallah all will be Ok, just dont rush, be happy with eachother first and the rest inshallah will come easy.

    Leave a comment:


  • Grandad
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

    As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

    Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
    As-Salāmu ‘Alaykum, sister.

    It’s natural for would-be parents to act as you do; to plan, to fret, to imagine. Truth is, that neither of you have any idea how you will behave when – and after – your baby turns up (in šāʾ Allāh). The only sure thing is that your world will be changed; whether for good or ill will, of course, depend on both of you. But all of this is in the future. Better to focus on the present.

    By the way, I’m all for kids walking to school. On the face of it, far healthier. But, of course, even this is subject to circumstance. Your child will not be attending school for several years yet, so why worry about it now?

    Leave a comment:


  • Ikki
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
    We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
    Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
    This is not your problem. This is a symptom of the problem.

    Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever.
    This is your problem. You can read up on pregnany websites regarding this issue. There is plenty of advice. Communicating with your husband is going to be the tricky part that we can't help you with. Not that we dont want to help, its just that we don't know either of you well enough.

    Leave a comment:


  • Plumeria
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    No use in making a hypothetical situation such a big issue. When the time comes In sha Allah, you'll see how you both do. For now, work on making your marriage as strong as possible so that these issues won't cause hindrance down the road.

    Leave a comment:


  • deen1984
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    you both have to compromise. its ok to disagree on matters. besides once the baby comes along inshallah, you will be spending the most time with the child.

    Raising righteous children: https://islamqa.info/en/10016

    Leave a comment:


  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    I understand your point, and thanks for your advise. I know that it might be childish how we're acting, and we do go near each other just mostly can't agree on being intimate and mostly an argument starts. I have to accept I mostly get stressed nowadays due to taking too much tension because I know about some extreme parents which I know my husband won't be but it's too complicated as it's something about our child and I just want to be clear on what we both would be like. Maybe it's not the time, maybe it is, I don't know and I am sorry if I offend by this really didn't mean to. We both actually have little experience with kids even though we both would love one.

    You have experience with kids and with experience you might think of this as too much. How were you like before you had your first born?
    Nothing prepares you for having kids, all the books and ''experience'' is worthless when its your own. You worry when the books say dont, you cant give them back as the ''experience'' of looking after siblings or a neighbours kid

    No amount of sitting down and sayin ''i am going to x y and z'' is going to resolve your issues. Let me ask you this if you are the softy parent and your hubby wants to be the strict one what will you do if your child is autistic? (I have one who is disabled and autistic). Shout at an autistic kid and you will get tired first, give in and thats all you will do all day

    Not wishing ill upon you, Allah swt give you healthy children who the light of your eyes. My point is that to me as a parent your type of argument is infantile at best and if you will allow me to say it I can see you being the disciplinarian because from your posts you seem to come across controlling and wanting your way. Of course I could be wrong and you may just be at the end of your tether

    Best advice i have is stop being silly, both of you, and wasting time. No matter what you think at that moment with a child things can change. You may shout at it because you were tired (not you you here) or had something on your mind. we are humans we make mistakes.
    Never ever tell each other off in front of the child. EVER even if punishment has been OTT. discuss it alone after

    Leave a comment:


  • Ibn Taleb
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    maybe its not really a big deal and ur just overthinking things becasue that's what preggers do yeah... @)

    having a good cop bad cop thing is the way to go!!

    the moderate path is key

    Leave a comment:


  • Mkhaan
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

    I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

    My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

    main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip
    I understand your point, and thanks for your advise. I know that it might be childish how we're acting, and we do go near each other just mostly can't agree on being intimate and mostly an argument starts. I have to accept I mostly get stressed nowadays due to taking too much tension because I know about some extreme parents which I know my husband won't be but it's too complicated as it's something about our child and I just want to be clear on what we both would be like. Maybe it's not the time, maybe it is, I don't know and I am sorry if I offend by this really didn't mean to. We both actually have little experience with kids even though we both would love one.

    You have experience with kids and with experience you might think of this as too much. How were you like before you had your first born?

    Leave a comment:


  • Mkhaan
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by snowtrees View Post
    does he do this right now? like walk to places and only use the car for emergencies?
    He only bought a car like a week before we got married. Even now he likes to walk to places, no longer how far they are or use a bus. Mostly the car is used when I have to go over more than a usual walking distance or he's late for work

    Leave a comment:


  • Fakhri
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
    Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

    I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

    My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

    main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip
    ( :jkk: dear brother. Alhamdulillah. Thank you for this reply, even though you mentioned you wouldn't want to get involved.

    I guess the OP and others like them, if they do happen to read the responses, they would benefit most from those who are themselves parents - such as your self and I believe, those other brothers and sisters mentioned.)

    Leave a comment:


  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

    As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

    Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
    can i ask if you were a first child, only child? not being nosy but it may explain some of what you experienced and why

    Leave a comment:


  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by snowtrees View Post
    there is a difference between fearing someone and respecting their authority. you bully people and eventually, they will be pushed into a corner and make a chose. this may sound really extreme but what you're describing is just as extreme.
    Not to say bullying is good, it isnt, but a child doesnt understand respect. In its early days fear is what it needs and that becomes respect

    I have seen too many times a mother pleading with the child to ''be a good boy/girl'' and stop doing what they are doing and it simply doesnt work. Child knows it can get away with it and will continue

    Leave a comment:


  • nonameakhi
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Fakhri View Post
    Br [MENTION=82080]nonameakhi[/MENTION]
    Br [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
    Br [MENTION=98748]Aloo[/MENTION]
    Sr [MENTION=89596]Muslima London[/MENTION]
    Sr [MENTION=74921]Hannahk92[/MENTION]
    Sr [MENTION=46389]Sister_2009[/MENTION]
    Un. [MENTION=123043]Grandad[/MENTION]
    Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

    I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

    My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

    main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip

    Leave a comment:


  • snowtrees
    replied
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
    that is what I am worried about actually. I don't ever want my husband to be some kind of bad person to them. He thinks that sometimes fear needs to dial in, especially in conditions when the child is completely thinking the opposite and cannot be made to understand. I just think that telling it to him/her with care and love would be more efficient.
    there is a difference between fearing someone and respecting their authority. you bully people and eventually, they will be pushed into a corner and make a chose. this may sound really extreme but what you're describing is just as extreme.

    Leave a comment:

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