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Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

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  • #46
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    No use in making a hypothetical situation such a big issue. When the time comes In sha Allah, you'll see how you both do. For now, work on making your marriage as strong as possible so that these issues won't cause hindrance down the road.
    Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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    • #47
      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

      Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
      Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
      We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
      Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
      This is not your problem. This is a symptom of the problem.

      Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever.
      This is your problem. You can read up on pregnany websites regarding this issue. There is plenty of advice. Communicating with your husband is going to be the tricky part that we can't help you with. Not that we dont want to help, its just that we don't know either of you well enough.

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      • #48
        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

        Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
        I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

        As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

        Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
        As-Salāmu ‘Alaykum, sister.

        It’s natural for would-be parents to act as you do; to plan, to fret, to imagine. Truth is, that neither of you have any idea how you will behave when – and after – your baby turns up (in šāʾ Allāh). The only sure thing is that your world will be changed; whether for good or ill will, of course, depend on both of you. But all of this is in the future. Better to focus on the present.

        By the way, I’m all for kids walking to school. On the face of it, far healthier. But, of course, even this is subject to circumstance. Your child will not be attending school for several years yet, so why worry about it now?
        'Sometimes, silence is the best answer for a fool.' (Alī ibn Abī Tālib‎)

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        • #49
          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

          Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
          Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
          We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements.
          I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
          Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
          Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(
          Dear Sister

          I would strongly advise to take it easy and forget about kids for now. I think due to your disagreements and his behaviour (not being intimate with you), i would just focus on getting to know him a bit better and addressing his unacceptable behaviour. The fact that he is refusing to be intimate with you over this is more of a worry at the moment then his views on parenting which by the way sound very cold - a child does not deserve cruelty in order to learn to value things. I would ensure you both are secure within your relationship first and happy with eachother. If you are arguing like this now over this issue then i would suggest not bringing a child into the world just yet. Many men and women fret and get stressed over things they have not experienced yet and even react completely differently to their previous views when faced with the situation, this is normal but i just think his current behaviour is a bit worrying. Talk to him, try and make him understand avoiding you is not the answer. Also someone mentioned babysitting a nephew/neice - i think this is a great idea. You need to see how he is with children so then you can both talk about it after etc. However bear in mind people always act differently with their own kids.

          Inshallah all will be Ok, just dont rush, be happy with eachother first and the rest inshallah will come easy.

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