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Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

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  • #31
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Hannahk92 View Post
    Sister don't think about it too deeply ... I'm pregnant with my first right now and I too worried initially ... but for a good couple of years we had discussed this and to be honest you're not going to agree on everything
    children need discipline and I honestly think that is what's wrong with the youth today..: they lack respect for their parents elders peers superiors etc usually in parenting there's always one softer than the other lol
    you've only be married for 8 months ... I would suggest you enjoy each other first ... make sure you know each other properly inshaAllah
    Congratulations!!!!! Really, on your pregnancy. May Allah bless you with a beautiful child who grows up to be a beautiful human :)

    Comment


    • #32
      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

      Originally posted by snowtrees View Post
      going off your post, you don't have kids, right? then this really means nothing. I know plenty of people who talk tough before having children, but when the kids come, they're opposite of what they said. Also, this nonsense about what parent being strict while the other being soft is odd, so one parent does all the yelling and beating while the other does all the sweet talk and hugging? highly doubt the kids have an equal love for them if not hatred for one. there is a big difference between having a fair parent then some bad cop/ good cop thing.
      Originally posted by Jade Vine View Post
      I also think you worry too much.
      I am soft with kids and I think my husband will be something like Stalin with them :D but I will be there to comfort them.
      Another good thing; kids will love you, and hate him, but they will be disciplined :D
      that is what I am worried about actually. I don't ever want my husband to be some kind of bad person to them. He thinks that sometimes fear needs to dial in, especially in conditions when the child is completely thinking the opposite and cannot be made to understand. I just think that telling it to him/her with care and love would be more efficient.

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

        Originally posted by Grandad View Post
        As-Salāmu ‘Alaykum, sister.

        It seems premature to be arguing about how you will punish your child when you have yet to give birth.

        When I was a kid (late 1940’s and early 50s!) discipline was left to the father (in the main). I can’t remember how often I misbehaved, but it was almost always followed by: ‘Wait ‘til your father gets home!’ I knew then that I was for it. This turned my father into someone to be feared; someone whose homecoming was a cause for dread, rather than happiness. All I could hope was that my mother would forget my ‘offence’ by the time he arrived; or at least would not report it. The uncertainty – and the anticipation of a beating – was punishment enough, I can tell you that.

        You’re right – love is required when it comes to raising kids (and by the spade full); but love without discipline is a form of neglect. There has to be some form of discipline – some form of punishment for unacceptable behaviour – otherwise a kid will run rings around you. It’s natural for them to push against the boundaries….to see what they can get away with. This never stops. Left unchecked a kid will come to believe that ‘bad’ behaviour is ok, and that it’s perfectly fine to exhibit such behaviour in the world at large. Unfortunately, the world at large is rather inclined to hit back; often a lot harder than you, or your husband, might do.

        Punishment does not need to be physical, of course; deprivation of a favourite treat; or time in the ‘naughty-zone’ can do just as well. You, and your husband, will know the most effective punishment to administer, when the time comes.

        Your husband is wrong to say that a child should not be given everything it needs. Why would you deprive a child merely to teach him that the world can often be cruel? The world will do that without your help; of this you may be sure. A child has a right to have its needs met. It’s the never-ending ‘wants’ we have to watch out for!

        Have a great week, and very best regards.
        I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

        As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

        Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
        Last edited by Mkhaan; 23-01-17, 03:10 PM.

        Comment


        • #34
          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

          You need a balanced approach to raising them. Raise them in a loving environment, but obviously there are times when you have to be strict, other times you don't. As long as you also take an active role in giving them a proper Islamic upbringing, teaching them Quran & Sunnah, and setting a good example, then Insha'Allah, they'll turn out okay.

          The Prophet :saw: is the best example to follow in how he raised his children and he dealt with them.

          I don't like this approch of some men that you must be strict and cold with them and show them no love or w.e

          I'm not a parent myself, but i've observed a lot over time so....
          Allah is always watching [VIDEO]

          How To Weep For The Fear Of Allah

          Please remember to share these links with people you know so they can also benefit from them. :jkk:

          Comment


          • #35
            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

            Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
            I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

            As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

            Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
            does he do this right now? like walk to places and only use the car for emergencies?

            Comment


            • #36
              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

              Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
              that is what I am worried about actually. I don't ever want my husband to be some kind of bad person to them. He thinks that sometimes fear needs to dial in, especially in conditions when the child is completely thinking the opposite and cannot be made to understand. I just think that telling it to him/her with care and love would be more efficient.
              there is a difference between fearing someone and respecting their authority. you bully people and eventually, they will be pushed into a corner and make a chose. this may sound really extreme but what you're describing is just as extreme.

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                Originally posted by Fakhri View Post
                Br [MENTION=82080]nonameakhi[/MENTION]
                Br [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
                Br [MENTION=98748]Aloo[/MENTION]
                Sr [MENTION=89596]Muslima London[/MENTION]
                Sr [MENTION=74921]Hannahk92[/MENTION]
                Sr [MENTION=46389]Sister_2009[/MENTION]
                Un. [MENTION=123043]Grandad[/MENTION]
                Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

                I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

                My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

                main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                  Originally posted by snowtrees View Post
                  there is a difference between fearing someone and respecting their authority. you bully people and eventually, they will be pushed into a corner and make a chose. this may sound really extreme but what you're describing is just as extreme.
                  Not to say bullying is good, it isnt, but a child doesnt understand respect. In its early days fear is what it needs and that becomes respect

                  I have seen too many times a mother pleading with the child to ''be a good boy/girl'' and stop doing what they are doing and it simply doesnt work. Child knows it can get away with it and will continue

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                    I understand what you're saying exactly. My husband says that children wouldn't fear him as if they behave he would definitely not just be strict. My husband can actually become a softie like some people said here after childbirth, even when I married him I had thought he was not exactly a very calm or romantic guy but I was wrong there and I actually do think he will be soft but here it's about his view of method of raising children, coming from himself so that's what gets me worried and he doesn't even want me worried or stressed at all during pregnancy. He treats pregnancy as some my-wish-his-command type thing so doesn't want us to disagree during that.

                    As for punishing, I just think we can really talk with them with care and understanding and they'll understand. My parents never really punished me and it worked with me. I am just wanting it to work for my children too.

                    Also, I said needs but I meant not the basic needs but the opinion based "needs". For example, some might say rather than bad buses, or walking long distances to reach school children should have a car to drop them by. My husband says he would like to walk them there and teach his kids how to live without a car for as long as needed. We do have a car by the way, which my husband wants to use as reward or during holidays or emergencies.
                    can i ask if you were a first child, only child? not being nosy but it may explain some of what you experienced and why

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                      Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
                      Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

                      I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

                      My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

                      main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip
                      ( :jkk: dear brother. Alhamdulillah. Thank you for this reply, even though you mentioned you wouldn't want to get involved.

                      I guess the OP and others like them, if they do happen to read the responses, they would benefit most from those who are themselves parents - such as your self and I believe, those other brothers and sisters mentioned.)
                      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
                      -------------------------------
                      "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
                      NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                        Originally posted by snowtrees View Post
                        does he do this right now? like walk to places and only use the car for emergencies?
                        He only bought a car like a week before we got married. Even now he likes to walk to places, no longer how far they are or use a bus. Mostly the car is used when I have to go over more than a usual walking distance or he's late for work

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                          Originally posted by nonameakhi View Post
                          Akhie I dont like to get involved in these always because my initial reaction is if they are acting like kids then how will they cope with a kid. I know it sounds rude but to fall out over this to the point they wont go near each other???

                          I have 7 kids and each one is different. My wife is as soft as they come and i am quite strict. But being strict doesnt mean i beat up a 1 year old. If anything I let them get away with more when they are very young and get older. With my current almost 5 year old simply starting counting is enough and if i raise my voice he knows its trouble. Never had to lay a finger on him

                          My wife has learnt to be strict because she found out, as all parents do kids are clever little blighters. They WILL play you off against each other given the chance

                          main thing is that parents need to understand that you are raising a child and its for the childs benefit. The only time discipline becomes an issue is if YOU the parent are on a power trip
                          I understand your point, and thanks for your advise. I know that it might be childish how we're acting, and we do go near each other just mostly can't agree on being intimate and mostly an argument starts. I have to accept I mostly get stressed nowadays due to taking too much tension because I know about some extreme parents which I know my husband won't be but it's too complicated as it's something about our child and I just want to be clear on what we both would be like. Maybe it's not the time, maybe it is, I don't know and I am sorry if I offend by this really didn't mean to. We both actually have little experience with kids even though we both would love one.

                          You have experience with kids and with experience you might think of this as too much. How were you like before you had your first born?

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                            maybe its not really a big deal and ur just overthinking things becasue that's what preggers do yeah... @)

                            having a good cop bad cop thing is the way to go!!

                            the moderate path is key
                            The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death
                            https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgE...kS-Qi3nf3tcvPw

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                              Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                              I understand your point, and thanks for your advise. I know that it might be childish how we're acting, and we do go near each other just mostly can't agree on being intimate and mostly an argument starts. I have to accept I mostly get stressed nowadays due to taking too much tension because I know about some extreme parents which I know my husband won't be but it's too complicated as it's something about our child and I just want to be clear on what we both would be like. Maybe it's not the time, maybe it is, I don't know and I am sorry if I offend by this really didn't mean to. We both actually have little experience with kids even though we both would love one.

                              You have experience with kids and with experience you might think of this as too much. How were you like before you had your first born?
                              Nothing prepares you for having kids, all the books and ''experience'' is worthless when its your own. You worry when the books say dont, you cant give them back as the ''experience'' of looking after siblings or a neighbours kid

                              No amount of sitting down and sayin ''i am going to x y and z'' is going to resolve your issues. Let me ask you this if you are the softy parent and your hubby wants to be the strict one what will you do if your child is autistic? (I have one who is disabled and autistic). Shout at an autistic kid and you will get tired first, give in and thats all you will do all day

                              Not wishing ill upon you, Allah swt give you healthy children who the light of your eyes. My point is that to me as a parent your type of argument is infantile at best and if you will allow me to say it I can see you being the disciplinarian because from your posts you seem to come across controlling and wanting your way. Of course I could be wrong and you may just be at the end of your tether

                              Best advice i have is stop being silly, both of you, and wasting time. No matter what you think at that moment with a child things can change. You may shout at it because you were tired (not you you here) or had something on your mind. we are humans we make mistakes.
                              Never ever tell each other off in front of the child. EVER even if punishment has been OTT. discuss it alone after

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                              • #45
                                Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                                you both have to compromise. its ok to disagree on matters. besides once the baby comes along inshallah, you will be spending the most time with the child.

                                Raising righteous children: https://islamqa.info/en/10016
                                Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

                                -Quran (57:20)

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