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Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

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  • #16
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Originally posted by Indefinable View Post


    Your husband may say all these things now, but once you physically have a new-born in your lives, everything changes, he'll probably become a softie.

    And you don't actually start disciplining until they are around a year old and running around. So why worry about something which isn't even an issue?

    I THINK it is kind of wise to at least draw a frame for something to come. Later on you can color within the frame what needs to be colored so to say.
    "...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves..." Qur'an 13:11

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    • #17
      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

      AsSalaamu Alaikum.

      Be patient. You don't need to fight about a scenario that is 16years in the future. Take the days as they come. With the daily reminder that you are not each other's enemies but most intimate allies. Whatever dispute cannot be resolved between you both, bring it back to Allah and His Messenger's advice. Eg smack a child (lightly) if they do not pray at age 10.

      Do not be an extremist. Love is not the answer to all situations, nor is discipline. Allah is the one who has set a balance. Be just to the child and do not oppress them. (Yes complete love can be oppression when you raise a spoilt child). Mostly, fear Allah with regards being argumentative. Winning every argument does not make you right.

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      • #18
        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

        You need to relax, this topic is really unnecessary between you and him... at what age is the child ready to understand? 5 years? And you two are fighting for something that could happen in 5 years? We might be all dead by then...

        chill my dear... it really isn't that of a big deal... you don't need to agree... my parents are different... one is strict and one isn't...they both pplay vital role in our lives... when we need someone to set us straight, there is my dad, when we need a lovely heart, there is my mum!

        when you have a child, he will love and spoil him/her more than you would... you all are just taking to a whole new level unnecessarily...
        *
        *
        * typing from my phone, excuse the mess

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        • #19
          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

          going off your post, you don't have kids, right? then this really means nothing. I know plenty of people who talk tough before having children, but when the kids come, they're opposite of what they said. Also, this nonsense about what parent being strict while the other being soft is odd, so one parent does all the yelling and beating while the other does all the sweet talk and hugging? highly doubt the kids have an equal love for them if not hatred for one. there is a big difference between having a fair parent then some bad cop/ good cop thing.

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          • #20
            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

            Originally posted by quark View Post
            I gotta be honest. Anything less would be unfair to you. When someone says they're a "self made man and must show their children how bad life can be so they can grow up tough" then this gives me bad vibes. I can only go from your descriptions since I don't know him, but from what I'm reading it's not looking good.
            There really is nothing wrong with making kids understand the value of a dollar. Maybe she just worded it differently but ideally, kids shouldn't have everything handed down to them on a golden platter.
            Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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            • #21
              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

              Br [MENTION=82080]nonameakhi[/MENTION]
              Br [MENTION=99637]Gingerbeardman[/MENTION]
              Br [MENTION=98748]Aloo[/MENTION]
              Sr [MENTION=89596]Muslima London[/MENTION]
              Sr [MENTION=74921]Hannahk92[/MENTION]
              Sr [MENTION=46389]Sister_2009[/MENTION]
              Un. [MENTION=123043]Grandad[/MENTION]
              Last edited by Fakhri; 23-01-17, 03:42 AM.
              LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
              -------------------------------
              "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
              NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

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              • #22
                Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
                There really is nothing wrong with making kids understand the value of a dollar. Maybe she just worded it differently but ideally, kids shouldn't have everything handed down to them on a golden platter.
                [MENTION=127346]quark[/MENTION] likes to believe everything he says is the 100% truth.
                ***Reminder- It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that RasulAllah :saw: said: Whoever reads Tabaarak allaathi bi yadihi’l-mulk [i.e., Soorat al-Mulk] every night, Allaah will protect him from the torment of the grave.
                And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror]. [Quran, 14:42]

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                • #23
                  Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                  Originally posted by Thunder94 View Post
                  [MENTION=127346]quark[/MENTION] likes to believe everything he says is the 100% truth.
                  True that. I keep forgetting how much smarter he is than everybody else. Big dummy, I am.
                  Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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                  • #24
                    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                    Originally posted by quark View Post
                    I gotta be honest. Anything less would be unfair to you. When someone says they're a "self made man and must show their children how bad life can be so they can grow up tough" then this gives me bad vibes. I can only go from your descriptions since I don't know him, but from what I'm reading it's not looking good.
                    :salams

                    "he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too"

                    Brother I believe the sister said her husband is a self made men, hence she feels he wants to be tough on their future kids, not that he said he's self made man and that being the reason for him wanting to discipline the children etc.

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                    • #25
                      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                      Why are you unnecessarily stressing over something which hasn't even happenened yet???
                      and causing unnecessary stress in your marriage. Its good that you are thinking about how to raise a c hild so early on but i think you might be overthinking.

                      your both right in this. A child needs abundant love AND they need firmness, boundaries, rules.
                      Even your little toddler needs to be told in so many ways (not discipline!!) that this is naughtty, you dont do that. Chidlren thrive when they have boundaries , and children who dont have boundaries dont learn to respect rules . Regarding the 'poor lifestyle' maybe that means that the child doesn't get everything and anything and only within measure. nothring wrong with that.

                      There are some really good islamic books arouund parenting. Why dont you both find a book that you feel comfortable with and read it together.

                      http://www.virtualmosque.com/relatio...-on-parenting/
                      Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                      __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                      If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                      You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



                      please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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                      • #26
                        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                        Sister don't think about it too deeply ... I'm pregnant with my first right now and I too worried initially ... but for a good couple of years we had discussed this and to be honest you're not going to agree on everything
                        children need discipline and I honestly think that is what's wrong with the youth today..: they lack respect for their parents elders peers superiors etc usually in parenting there's always one softer than the other lol
                        you've only be married for 8 months ... I would suggest you enjoy each other first ... make sure you know each other properly inshaAllah
                        ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

                        ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

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                        • #27
                          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                          I also think you worry too much.
                          I am soft with kids and I think my husband will be something like Stalin with them :D but I will be there to comfort them.
                          Another good thing; kids will love you, and hate him, but they will be disciplined :D

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                          • #28
                            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                            Originally posted by Hannahk92 View Post
                            Sister don't think about it too deeply ... I'm pregnant with my first right now and I too worried initially ... but for a good couple of years we had discussed this and to be honest you're not going to agree on everything
                            children need discipline and I honestly think that is what's wrong with the youth today..: they lack respect for their parents elders peers superiors etc usually in parenting there's always one softer than the other lol
                            you've only be married for 8 months ... I would suggest you enjoy each other first ... make sure you know each other properly inshaAllah
                            Congrats on your pregnancy :)

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                            • #29
                              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                              Originally posted by Thunder94 View Post
                              [MENTION=127346]quark[/MENTION] likes to believe everything he says is the 100% truth.
                              Yes sorry, clearly two people with complete opposite views on how children should be raised make for an optimal situation. Definitely. There's nothing worrying about that at all.

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                              • #30
                                Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                                Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                                Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
                                We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
                                Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
                                Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(
                                As-Salāmu ‘Alaykum, sister.

                                It seems premature to be arguing about how you will punish your child when you have yet to give birth.

                                When I was a kid (late 1940’s and early 50s!) discipline was left to the father (in the main). I can’t remember how often I misbehaved, but it was almost always followed by: ‘Wait ‘til your father gets home!’ I knew then that I was for it. This turned my father into someone to be feared; someone whose homecoming was a cause for dread, rather than happiness. All I could hope was that my mother would forget my ‘offence’ by the time he arrived; or at least would not report it. The uncertainty – and the anticipation of a beating – was punishment enough, I can tell you that.

                                You’re right – love is required when it comes to raising kids (and by the spade full); but love without discipline is a form of neglect. There has to be some form of discipline – some form of punishment for unacceptable behaviour – otherwise a kid will run rings around you. It’s natural for them to push against the boundaries….to see what they can get away with. This never stops. Left unchecked a kid will come to believe that ‘bad’ behaviour is ok, and that it’s perfectly fine to exhibit such behaviour in the world at large. Unfortunately, the world at large is rather inclined to hit back; often a lot harder than you, or your husband, might do.

                                Punishment does not need to be physical, of course; deprivation of a favourite treat; or time in the ‘naughty-zone’ can do just as well. You, and your husband, will know the most effective punishment to administer, when the time comes.

                                Your husband is wrong to say that a child should not be given everything it needs. Why would you deprive a child merely to teach him that the world can often be cruel? The world will do that without your help; of this you may be sure. A child has a right to have its needs met. It’s the never-ending ‘wants’ we have to watch out for!

                                Have a great week, and very best regards.
                                'Sometimes, silence is the best answer for a fool.' (Alī ibn Abī Tālib‎)

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