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Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

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  • Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
    We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
    Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
    Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(

  • #2
    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

    Also, another thing he says is that even though all humans have been given the ability to reason, still hell is also made so that if not the love for Janna fear of hell can get them on the right path whenever I tell him about loving children and it's importance in islam. Same way he would love his children but would be strict.

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    • #3
      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

      I think it's fine for a child to have one 'strict' parent and one 'friendly' parent. It's good for them to have a strict parent to discipline them and sort them out if they get out of line. And also a friendly parent who they can have fun with and talk to. Your husband could be their disciplinarian and you could be their friend. Your different parenting styles could actually compliment one another and balance each other out.

      I don't see any point in you and your husband arguing over this now. See how things go when you have a child inshaAllah.

      By the way, some kids take advantage and become spoiled if you're too nice with them. Being strict is necessary sometimes. You can notice when a child is badly behaved because the parents are too soft.

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      • #4
        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

        I try to observe and question people who have raised their own children. I also look at the behavior of children. What i have come to know is ..they only want your time. Play with them, spend time with them, but do draw boundaries if they want to step over those boundaries.

        There is no reason of being strict or else they will NEVER see their father as someone to talk to. A boy will NOT come to his mother to talk about boy things (when older), rather he will go to his friends instead. So it is very important that the father also builds a bond with his son(s).

        i have seen my own nephews. Although i visit them not that often, seeing them grow up, they really are fond of me being there. What have i given them all those time? Just giving them my time to talk to them listen to them and play with them. Indeed they will test you, but you have to be strict that moment and later on have a 1 on 1 talk with him and tell him why you did what you did or say. They will understand you and respect you. At first if you bring presents or so, they look at the presents and they are happy, but just by observing it, they are more happy that i spend time with them.

        I remember that the eldest of the two once said, it is like having a elder brother (referring to me).

        So i would say talk to your husband and reason with him that they children don't care about being rich or poor, they only want your time. Let them talk to you and listen to what they are saying.
        "...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves..." Qur'an 13:11

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        • #5
          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

          Describing yourself as "self made man" is a red flag.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

            This couldn't have been discussed before marriage? Why not babysit a niece or nephew over the weekend and maybe you will learn a thing or two about each other and your parenting styles....
            Or get your husband some books on disciplining children ....a child will act up for a number of reasons.......you can use the naughty step, take away a favorite toy etc All these methods work ...you do not have to resort to physical punishment...


            Originally posted by quark View Post
            Describing yourself as "self made man" is a red flag.
            :rofl1:
            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

              Originally posted by Simple_Person View Post
              I try to observe and question people who have raised their own children. I also look at the behavior of children. What i have come to know is ..they only want your time. Play with them, spend time with them, but do draw boundaries if they want to step over those boundaries.

              There is no reason of being strict or else they will NEVER see their father as someone to talk to. A boy will NOT come to his mother to talk about boy things (when older), rather he will go to his friends instead. So it is very important that the father also builds a bond with his son(s).

              i have seen my own nephews. Although i visit them not that often, seeing them grow up, they really are fond of me being there. What have i given them all those time? Just giving them my time to talk to them listen to them and play with them. Indeed they will test you, but you have to be strict that moment and later on have a 1 on 1 talk with him and tell him why you did what you did or say. They will understand you and respect you. At first if you bring presents or so, they look at the presents and they are happy, but just by observing it, they are more happy that i spend time with them.

              I remember that the eldest of the two once said, it is like having a elder brother (referring to me).

              So i would say talk to your husband and reason with him that they children don't care about being rich or poor, they only want your time. Let them talk to you and listen to what they are saying.
              He said that a 8-12 year old child can barely reason his thoughts so talking might not always be the best option and it has to ordering sometimes. And if the child becomes spoiled, then at 16-17 age it's not right to raise hand on him as he would an almost grown man that time and needs to already know that his parents should be respected strictly and followed

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                Originally posted by quark View Post
                Describing yourself as "self made man" is a red flag.
                That's such a stupid thing to say! Seriously. First of all understand what I said, my husband is a self made man. I said that, I know about his childhood and a lot of things you have no clue at all about. I request you to not insult or talk in any insulting way...Don't need your advise so if you don't have anything that's not insulting to say don't.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                  Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                  He said that a 8-12 year old child can barely reason his thoughts so talking might not always be the best option and it has to ordering sometimes. And if the child becomes spoiled, then at 16-17 age it's not right to raise hand on him as he would an almost grown man that time and needs to already know that his parents should be respected strictly and followed
                  Did you both grow up in the west, or just you, or are you both first gen immigrants? Because culture means a lot. A westerner saying that a father should be strict is very different from a middle easterner saying the same thing. Some muslims' views on parenting are quite flawed.
                  Last edited by quark; 22-01-17, 05:59 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                    Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                    That's such a stupid thing to say! Seriously. First of all understand what I said, my husband is a self made man. I said that, I know about his childhood and a lot of things you have no clue at all about. I request you to not insult or talk in any insulting way...Don't need your advise so if you don't have anything that's not insulting to say don't.
                    I gotta be honest. Anything less would be unfair to you. When someone says they're a "self made man and must show their children how bad life can be so they can grow up tough" then this gives me bad vibes. I can only go from your descriptions since I don't know him, but from what I'm reading it's not looking good.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                      You can be nice and he can be strict. I was raised with one lenient parent and one strict one it doesn't translate to love. You both love them equally.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                        Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                        Before marriage we both knew we both would want children, we obviously did not talk about anything more than that. And we both are close to Islam.
                        We've been married 8 months now and now we're into a lot of disagreements. I love him and I know he loves and we both really really want kids but I am strictly against being strict, especially raising our hand on them. He on the other hand feels that is a necessity, not like abusing but if kids misbehave or anything. He says just showing love gets the kid spoiled while I feel the opposite. I tell him that love is the only thing required when it comes to kids and I want to be more like a friend to kids, while he says being a friend is never gonna happen with him. He's going to be just a father and strict whenever he feels necessary.
                        Just to make it clear, he's not saying to abuse the child in anyway but like a slap on bum when he does something wrong or more when he's older. Besides that he feels that he would not want to get his kid everything he needs and would want to teach him a bit about poor lifestyle so he's ready for everything, my husband's a self made man too. This has caused quite a number of fights between us.
                        Also, because we still don't agree to anything and because he doesn't want me to have stress in pregnancy, he has stopped getting intimate at all. I never really knew how to start by myself so nowadays I stay even more moody than ever. We've been talking about it since the last 3 months when we both were ready for a kid just after a month of marriage :(


                        Your husband may say all these things now, but once you physically have a new-born in your lives, everything changes, he'll probably become a softie.

                        And you don't actually start disciplining until they are around a year old and running around. So why worry about something which isn't even an issue?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                          Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                          Your husband may say all these things now, but once you physically have a new-born in your lives, everything changes, he'll probably become a softie.
                          Yes because that's how real life works(it's not).
                          Last edited by quark; 22-01-17, 06:46 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                            Originally posted by Indefinable View Post


                            Your husband may say all these things now, but once you physically have a new-born in your lives, everything changes, he'll probably become a softie.


                            Since I have seen marriages on the verge of breaking up due to different parenting styles...this isn't something I would take lightly....the first year he will be a softie but once the terrible twos arrive he will be tested greatly!
                            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Disagreement in raising of our child, causing problems. HELP

                              Originally posted by Mkhaan View Post
                              He said that a 8-12 year old child can barely reason his thoughts so talking might not always be the best option and it has to ordering sometimes. And if the child becomes spoiled, then at 16-17 age it's not right to raise hand on him as he would an almost grown man that time and needs to already know that his parents should be respected strictly and followed
                              If you have read my comment carefully i said, set boundaries and "[BI]ndeed they will test you, but you have to be strict that moment and later on have a 1 on 1 talk with him and tell him why you did what you did or say.[/B]". I have not said reason with children, especially at that age and below 10 years old. I may have missed some information regarding my previous comment. My nephews are now around 11 and 12 years old and i have spent time with the at least for the last 5-6 years. In the past i spend time with them and without knowing, i set boundaries. They want to test you at some situations, but you show them who is the boss. However if one is hurt by what you said or maybe what you did, you later on you separate him from the rest, you calmly talk with him. You also involve them in the fun that you for example are having with others after your talk. That is the signal that he gets that there are certain things i should not do, but for the rest it is fun being around him.

                              An important think i observed is they are unbelievably hunger for knowledge. If you are some dude who knows nothing of this world, they will also pity you. They ask a lot of questions and you better have a good answer with an good argument for it or else they will figure you out as some dumb person. They will see you as a role model and will ask you for help with things. So my advice also on this is, start educating your self how you would debate an atheist and any other religion. Pure logic and rationality. They might at first just say oooh oke..and nod..later on in their life they will ponder about what you have told them. Know your stuff, don't act as many of our parents and grandparents that knew little to nothing about Islam and understood little to nothing of Islam.

                              BTW, girls and raising them.. i will not touch that subjected with a 100 feet pole. Women by default can't understand themselves many of the times and also as men we shouldn't try to bend them our way. With raising girls, my niece (little sister of those two nephews)..i know how women for bigger part work, but girls that is just a box of everything thrown inside and mixing things up. They however what i till now have observed NEED UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF attention. They will talk and talk and talk and talk you just listen and now and ten..ask a little question about what she is talking about. However her friends at school also influenced her a bit, so she did become very rebellious (although being 9 years old)..She sub'han'Allah has changed in half year, become more calm. Although i am not sure if that is just for the show or really has calmed down. Do beware and REALLY DO NOT GOSSIP!!.. Girls especially will listen and broadcast to other people what they have heard. I am not sure if this is because my own niece knew people will listen and give her attention when telling others what she has heard.

                              At a young age set boundaries and do NOT mix those boundaries. (before 5 years old that i do not know in general, so i will not give you my observation of it, because i have none of it). Although i THINK it is also setting boundaries as be strict when needed then loosen up when the child is not near those boundaries. Just look at how we learn of our own Deen. Allah(swt) is strict when it comes to boundaries, but his mercy is greater when we distance our selves from those boundaries.
                              "...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves..." Qur'an 13:11

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