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Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

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  • Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

    Bismillah alRahman alRaheem:

    I know this may sound weird to some but I'm just going to write it anyway. I have been thinking of searching for a second wife for my husband. The reason being, I cannot give him children. We are saying Alhamdulillah for everything, and he is a good man and a good Muslim, Alhamdulillah. I would like to add that he has never pressured me with this subject.

    I just believe that this is his right and I accept it (this was a big deal for me and hard to swallow a few years ago, but I see how he is with other children and how he treats me, so I felt like I was being selfish and started to pray ALOT about it), and I would love for him to have children inshaAllah. By the way, I spoke with him recently about my point of view in this subject, he remained silent and then told me that we leave everything to Allah. Should I just go to the masjed and ask the Imam? Or is it best to talk with his family to see if they can find him a good muslimah? Or just leave this subject alone.

    Anyway, it is a pleasure to be on this forum. Many blessings to all.

  • #2
    Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

    Originally posted by Ayesha0117 View Post
    Bismillah alRahman alRaheem:

    I know this may sound weird to some but I'm just going to write it anyway. I have been thinking of searching for a second wife for my husband. The reason being, I cannot give him children. We are saying Alhamdulillah for everything, and he is a good man and a good Muslim, Alhamdulillah. I would like to add that he has never pressured me with this subject.

    I just believe that this is his right and I accept it (this was a big deal for me and hard to swallow a few years ago, but I see how he is with other children and how he treats me, so I felt like I was being selfish and started to pray ALOT about it), and I would love for him to have children inshaAllah. By the way, I spoke with him recently about my point of view in this subject, he remained silent and then told me that we leave everything to Allah. Should I just go to the masjed and ask the Imam? Or is it best to talk with his family to see if they can find him a good muslimah? Or just leave this subject alone.

    Anyway, it is a pleasure to be on this forum. Many blessings to all.
    Walaikum sallam sister and welcome to the forum!

    Allhumabarik. May Allah reward u for your efforts ameen.

    Sister have you tried IVF and all those routes first??? And how many years have u been married? Also are you sure YOU'RE the one who can't have kids?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

      :wswrwb:

      Welcome to the forum Ayesha :)

      May Allah reward you for your patience-Ameen
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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      • #4
        Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

        Thank you for the reply. Yes, I'm the one. I was pregnant, and had a miscarriage , we've been married for 11 years alhamdulillah. I had to have my uterus removed, due to endometriosis. We had asked about having a surrogate mother, but was told by an Imam that it was not permitted, so we discarded that idea. Alhamdulillah we're good and accept anything that Allah has for us. Even if it's just the two of us together.

        But I don't know if this is something that has been done by other sisters. Or is it just the men who ask for a second wife. Sometimes I feel like I might be putting myself in a difficult situation. Maybe I should just wait and if my husband is the one who asks me about it, then we can search for it. Right?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
          :wswrwb:

          Welcome to the forum Ayesha :)

          May Allah reward you for your patience-Ameen

          Ameen! And thank you!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

            I agree with the second post. Both yourself and your husband should get tested. My brother and his wife didn't have any children until 5 years after they got married and for a couple of years, his wife was scared that she could be infertile and afraid of getting tested, but it turned out that all she needed was a very minor operation to correct something in her body and after that she didn't have any difficulty getting pregnant.

            Aside from that, NO, I REALLY think you should NOT ask your imam or your in laws to help find someone for your husband. If he was silent on the matter, perhaps he needs time to think about it- perhaps he's not that keen on the idea and will take time to come round, in the meantime you can't pressure him by asking around on his behalf. Only start looking if he tells you he's on board with this. Also be VERY discerning about what kind of wife he gets as many women become jealous and are not happy in a polygamous relationship until they try to push the other wife out of the picture so you need to be very careful and sure that this is what you want and that you find someone suitable for him if he agrees to it.
            The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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            • #7
              Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

              Originally posted by neelu View Post
              I agree with the second post. Both yourself and your husband should get tested. My brother and his wife didn't have any children until 5 years after they got married and for a couple of years, his wife was scared that she could be infertile and afraid of getting tested, but it turned out that all she needed was a very minor operation to correct something in her body and after that she didn't have any difficulty getting pregnant.

              Aside from that, NO, I REALLY think you should NOT ask your imam or your in laws to help find someone for your husband. If he was silent on the matter, perhaps he needs time to think about it- perhaps he's not that keen on the idea and will take time to come round, in the meantime you can't pressure him by asking around on his behalf. Only start looking if he tells you he's on board with this. Also be VERY discerning about what kind of wife he gets as many women become jealous and are not happy in a polygamous relationship until they try to push the other wife out of the picture so you need to be very careful and sure that this is what you want and that you find someone suitable for him if he agrees to it.
              Thank you for the advice! I really appreciate it. JazzakAllah Khair! I needed to see things from another perspective

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

                Originally posted by Ayesha0117 View Post
                Thank you for the reply. Yes, I'm the one. I was pregnant, and had a miscarriage , we've been married for 11 years alhamdulillah. I had to have my uterus removed, due to endometriosis. We had asked about having a surrogate mother, but was told by an Imam that it was not permitted, so we discarded that idea. Alhamdulillah we're good and accept anything that Allah has for us. Even if it's just the two of us together.

                But I don't know if this is something that has been done by other sisters. Or is it just the men who ask for a second wife. Sometimes I feel like I might be putting myself in a difficult situation. Maybe I should just wait and if my husband is the one who asks me about it, then we can search for it. Right?
                Sister SubhanAllah I truly respect you for loving and caring for your husband enough to put this to him. May Allah reward you with jana firdows ameeen!

                I would not ask his family to help look for a second wife unless he allows you to. This is a really difficult situation, you can only proceed with this IF he says you can because ultimately this other woman will be his responsibility if he marries her. She will be more than a baby making person, she will be his other life partner so please consider all of this before you push your husband into this. Of course I know your intentions are obviously pure alhamdulilah.

                Have a really frank convo with your hubby and ask him straight forward questions such as 'do you want biological kids?, do you think you are ready for the responsibility of another family?, if we adopted a new born would that be enough for you?' Etc etc.

                Have you guys discussed adoption sister?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

                  Originally posted by Amaana View Post
                  Sister SubhanAllah I truly respect you for loving and caring for your husband enough to put this to him. May Allah reward you with jana firdows ameeen!

                  I would not ask his family to help look for a second wife unless he allows you to. This is a really difficult situation, you can only proceed with this IF he says you can because ultimately this other woman will be his responsibility if he marries her. She will be more than a baby making person, she will be his other life partner so please consider all of this before you push your husband into this. Of course I know your intentions are obviously pure alhamdulilah.

                  Have a really frank convo with your hubby and ask him straight forward questions such as 'do you want biological kids?, do you think you are ready for the responsibility of another family?, if we adopted a new born would that be enough for you?' Etc etc.

                  Have you guys discussed adoption sister?
                  Wow, I didn't think about adoption. I was so absorbed with my own self, and what was happening to me, I didn't consider this. I will take your advise though, and discuss about adoption. When reading all the replies, I think I should put the second wife idea on the back burner, and wait for him to bring up the subject, if it ever comes to that. You opened my eyes to a whole new other possibility which would be giving a home to an orphan. I'm so glad I came to this forum, Alhamdulillah.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

                    Originally posted by Ayesha0117 View Post
                    Wow, I didn't think about adoption. I was so absorbed with my own self, and what was happening to me, I didn't consider this. I will take your advise though, and discuss about adoption. When reading all the replies, I think I should put the second wife idea on the back burner, and wait for him to bring up the subject, if it ever comes to that. You opened my eyes to a whole new other possibility which would be giving a home to an orphan. I'm so glad I came to this forum, Alhamdulillah.
                    Awww alhamdulilah!

                    Yes, in shaa Allah discuss adoption with him.

                    I pray Allah gives u a solution which makes you both happy, ameen!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

                      Asalaamu alakum sister,

                      I just joined this forum today and decided to reply to your thread as it's so inspiring and beautiful to see such a sweet sister who loves her husband dearly. Allahumabarik may Allah SWT give you the best of this world and the next, Amiin. May He reward you both for your sabir, Allahuma amiin.

                      I def agree with the sister who said look to adoption options, as the reward for looking after an orphan is such a great one.

                      I love you for the sake of Allah SWT sister X

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

                        Asalamu alaykum sis,

                        Firstly, I'm talking from experience.
                        Once your husband approves, you personally choose his second wife. Not him, not his family.
                        You need to have a good connection and friendship with her more then anyone.

                        For you to even consider this for your husband, I can tell your heart is pure. Therefore you deserve for his second wife to have the same heart.
                        Sis being in a polygamy relationship is very difficult. The only thing that can make it slightly easier for you is her.. it's all about HER.

                        I can't stress enough how important it is sis.
                        You need to be able to form a friend ship or sister bond with her, if your husband makes a mistake, you need HER to remind your husband of his rights on you.
                        Wallah I don't want to see another sister hurt the way I was. Polygamy is hard sis, but if your heading that direction may Allah reward you

                        Comment

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