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Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

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  • Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

    Reading in Soapbox, the thread on homosexuality. Would it put you off someone if they were an otherwise, good Muslim but had struggled with and did still struggle with feelings of attraction to their same gender? Even if they had never acted upon those feelings.

    I get the impression that this would be more of an issue (even if someone had never acted upon their attraction) than someone who struggled with other areas of weakness in life.

  • #2
    Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

    I think it's worse for a man then for a women. Meaning, it's worse if the man is a homosexual than a women being lesbian.
    Well in this case , we are talking about tendencies/past experience..
    I would be ok with it, but it would depend on the severity of this person's problem. The question I ask is why would someone reveal this? Though revealing ones struggle is honourable, the past is the past and shouldn't be mentioned unless it is a problem now.

    Allah knows best , that's just my view.

    You must be very careful with such people around children. That is the biggest prey for religious folks with such issues.

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    • #3
      Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

      Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post
      I think it's worse for a man then for a women. Meaning, it's worse if the man is a homosexual than a women being lesbian.
      Well in this case , we are talking about tendencies/past experience..
      I would be ok with it, but it would depend on the severity of this person's problem. The question I ask is why would someone reveal this? Though revealing ones struggle is honourable, the past is the past and shouldn't be mentioned unless it is a problem now.

      Allah knows best , that's just my view.
      Would they not be required to reveal it to a potential spouse for fear of deceiving them? Yes if it was a struggle they might face all their life.

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      • #4
        Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

        Originally posted by drberks View Post
        Would they not be required to reveal it to a potential spouse for fear of deceiving them? Yes if it was a struggle they might face all their life.
        Ideally but I wonder how many typical Muslims would reject them outright for having such desires. It's not an easy fact to swallow.
        Pray. Fast. Zakat. Pilgrimage. Allah.

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        • #5
          Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

          Originally posted by Al-Mualim View Post
          Ideally but I wonder how many typical Muslims would reject them outright for having such desires. It's not an easy fact to swallow.
          Yes I saw the difficulty in the other thread. People finding it hard to make the distinction between feelings of attraction that an individual struggles with but had never acted upon and those who had acted upon them and were trying to justify it as a halal practice when it isn't at all.

          If someone had or does struggle with those feelings then, as I understand it, they haven't done anything wrong if they've never acted upon them

          I think a woman could still love her husband even if she wasn't attracted to him.

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          • #6
            Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

            It's unlikely that a person would disclose this, like the brothers have said, because of how serious the reactions might be. It just made me remember the post by Sr Pippin relating to the different ways different people express and understand love. For a person like this, if they find a spouse who is maybe less in need of physical fulfilment than others, it may somehow work out okay(?).

            Like Br AmantuBillah has said, it depends on the intensity of those feeling, but I'm guessing most people will find it challenging/very challenging to live in that kind of marriage, unless these haraam desires are quite weak and the normal feelings are there also.

            If I'm not mistaken, the question here is knowing that about a person prior to going into the marriage. If it was a case of discovering the husband or wife had these desires after being married to them, you would think it would result in a different way of thinking, especially if things are already working out okay (relatively speaking).

            It goes back to the first point, though - would and should a person mention this about themselves if things are going as well as a person with these desires can reasonably expect from their spouse?

            (Allahu A'lam. Allah Ta'aalaa protect us and grant us all strength to persevere.)
            Last edited by Fakhri; 22-10-16, 03:07 AM.
            LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAH
            -------------------------------
            "And if you would count the graces of God, never could you be able to count them. Truly, God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Qur'aan 16:18)
            NOTE: Please kindly do NOT rep my posts. (Jazaa'akumullah).

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            • #7
              Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

              Yes, it would be off-putting and quite worrying.

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              • #8
                Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                During the process of discussion before marriage, does a person only put forward their strengths and keep quiet about their weaknesses?

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                • #9
                  Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                  No thanks.
                  إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by drberks View Post
                    During the process of discussion before marriage, does a person only put forward their strengths and keep quiet about their weaknesses?
                    I dont think you should because the chick that is going to marry you should completely know what she is getting herself into

                    But of course, boys want to impress the chick they want to marry, so they wanna do their best to show themselves in good light and keep quiet about their weaknesses

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                    • #11
                      Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                      Originally posted by drberks View Post
                      During the process of discussion before marriage, does a person only put forward their strengths and keep quiet about their weaknesses?
                      Sister if a man told you this info, would you be happy to go ahead with the marriage if otherwise he seemed good?

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                      • #12
                        Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                        Originally posted by Amaana View Post
                        Sister if a man told you this info, would you be happy to go ahead with the marriage if otherwise he seemed good?
                        If he was psychologically strong, knew his issues (we all have some issues) and he was able to be honest and open with me and I loved him, then hopefully, yes. If his values (from religion) were solid and he was otherwise stable.

                        Some people struggle with being in debt, showing affection, being lazy, keeping themselves in shape, lying, drinking, being out with the boys too much, being secretive on social media....

                        That's the way I view it....pick your issue because there's bound to be one at least. I would be thinking also that he'd got to this place without acting on his desires, so that shows strength and commitment. Being married could only help him probably.
                        Last edited by Rifqah; 22-10-16, 10:26 AM.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                          Originally posted by drberks View Post
                          If he was psychologically strong, knew his issues (we all have some issues) and he was able to be honest and open with me and I loved him, then hopefully, yes. If his values (from religion) were solid and he was otherwise stable.

                          Some people struggle with being in debt, showing affection, being lazy, keeping themselves in shape, lying, drinking, being out with the boys too much, being secretive on social media....

                          That's the way I view it....pick your issue because there's bound to be one at least. I would be thinking also that he'd got to this place without acting on his desires, so that shows strength and commitment. Being married could only help him probably.


                          JazakAllah khair sis. Very commendable of you.

                          However, you are being naive.

                          How about your psychology? If you have never been married sis let me tell you, women want their husbands to want them. I think it's damaging to a woman to know 100% that her husband is NOT into her.

                          It's not a matter of oh I'll change my style up, or lose weight. He'll just NEVER be into you.

                          Marriage is there to save us from fitna.
                          Nothing is likely to happen in this kind of marriage, and if you are a woman with normal feelings then you'll probably die of frustration.

                          Marriage is more than a charity sis.
                          Last edited by Amaana; 22-10-16, 10:44 AM.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                            [MENTION=135616]Amaana[/MENTION]

                            It's not so commendable because I might be afraid at the last moment and wig out of the discussion. If I fell in love with him, I'd hope I would be made of stronger stuff though, only Allah (swt) knows what we would do so I was reluctant to give a definite.

                            I don't think I'm being naive but I accept I could be and not realise it.

                            It is the easiest thing for a man to want a woman, most men don't find that part difficult. Then ,for some women, after marriage (I've read the marriage section lol) , the man can have other issues that she wasn't aware of, such as, being irresponsible and in debt, overspending on games and gadgets. Then it becomes an issue not of whether he wants her, but if she wants him. Once you lose respect for someone it can be difficult for the woman to 'want' him in that way and excuses start to be made because of stress about the situation.

                            It's possible that if this person was humble, a good Muslim and knew how to work through issues with another, that could help them in this situation.

                            I don't think that they would never be into their spouse. I think love could possibly grow, maybe not the hot kind that might be apparent in regular relationships, but certainly the loving kind where you generally love that other person and would do anything for them.

                            No matter what the issue is, if you have respect for each other and have a quality spouse in deen, that seems like it could overcome anything.

                            Maybe I'm an idealist lol I'll accept it if my views are unrealistic.
                            Last edited by Rifqah; 22-10-16, 11:10 AM.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Marriage with a male or female who struggles with gay feelings

                              Originally posted by drberks View Post
                              Reading in Soapbox, the thread on homosexuality. Would it put you off someone if they were an otherwise, good Muslim but had struggled with and did still struggle with feelings of attraction to their same gender? Even if they had never acted upon those feelings.

                              I get the impression that this would be more of an issue (even if someone had never acted upon their attraction) than someone who struggled with other areas of weakness in life.
                              Very few people who I have known who are homosexual are 100% that way, often they still have sexual attraction towards the opposite gender but a matter a preference.
                              As well as this there are more ex-homosexuals than homosexuals. i.e more people who self-identity as homosexual at some point in their life and then retract that than those who continue with it and are still in that lifestyle.

                              So it wouldn't be a deal breaker, or shouldn't be. I would see it as a matter of where more questions need to be asked and a need to be wary, but if just about everything else is in order then yes still worth pursuing the marriage and making it work if Allaah wills.
                              Last edited by Gingerbeardman; 22-10-16, 11:27 AM.
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