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  • A good wife or enabling bad behavior

    Time for my annual review of my living situation. If you want more background information read my old thread on “guide to living with in law”. http://http://www.ummah.com/forum/sh...h-in-law/page2

    In summary, husband was supposed to look for apt before marriage. His sister asked to wait until after the wedding so everything can take place in their elder brother’s house (sounded fine to me). 3 months later, no effort by husband to move out. By 6 month, I have had it, so I start house hunting on my own with help of my brother. After lots of disagreement, we finally found a house a year later. Husband and his family didn’t seem to be ready for the separation, so I gave up. Put the new house on rent & told hubby

    “I will not be the girl that forces you to move & blamed for breaking up your family, but this set up does not make sense to me at all. So I will wait until you come to the logical conclusion on your own. Let me know when and where & I will pack my bags. I am not putting any more effort in house hunting."

    I also said: “until you decide to be an adult, I will not be an adult either. I will not do anything around the house, except for my own area. It's not my house."

    That was almost 1.5 years ago & we made no progress what so ever. I don’t know if I am being a good wife by letting him lead or am I enabling him to be a super lazy bum who lives off his brother & refuse to grow up. Of course his family is weird and the problem is not just him but the entire clan, otherwise why is no one saying a thing to him. I know his mom asked him not to move until his nephews are bit older, but what does older mean & why can't he look after his nephews from across the street if needed be.

  • #2
    Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    Time for my annual review of my living situation. If you want more background information read my old thread on “guide to living with in law”. http://http://www.ummah.com/forum/sh...h-in-law/page2

    In summary, husband was supposed to look for apt before marriage. His sister asked to wait until after the wedding so everything can take place in their elder brother’s house (sounded fine to me). 3 months later, no effort by husband to move out. By 6 month, I have had it, so I start house hunting on my own with help of my brother. After lots of disagreement, we finally found a house a year later. Husband and his family didn’t seem to be ready for the separation, so I gave up. Put the new house on rent & told hubby

    “I will not be the girl that forces you to move & blamed for breaking up your family, but this set up does not make sense to me at all. So I will wait until you come to the logical conclusion on your own. Let me know when and where & I will pack my bags. I am not putting any more effort in house hunting."

    I also said: “until you decide to be an adult, I will not be an adult either. I will not do anything around the house, except for my own area. It's not my house."

    That was almost 1.5 years ago & we made no progress what so ever. I don’t know if I am being a good wife by letting him lead or am I enabling him to be a super lazy bum who lives off his brother & refuse to grow up. Of course his family is weird and the problem is not just him but the entire clan, otherwise why is no one saying a thing to him. I know his mom asked him not to move until his nephews are bit older, but what does older mean & why can't he look after his nephews from across the street if needed be.
    1 mistake: you married a mummy's boy

    2 options:
    1-Suffer with the prospect of having to live with 10 people unhappily and watch your marriage go south.
    2-put your foot down and do something, that will make him take you serious.
    Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

      Originally posted by Kya View Post
      Time for my annual review of my living situation. If you want more background information read my old thread on “guide to living with in law”. http://http://www.ummah.com/forum/sh...h-in-law/page2

      In summary, husband was supposed to look for apt before marriage. His sister asked to wait until after the wedding so everything can take place in their elder brother’s house (sounded fine to me). 3 months later, no effort by husband to move out. By 6 month, I have had it, so I start house hunting on my own with help of my brother. After lots of disagreement, we finally found a house a year later. Husband and his family didn’t seem to be ready for the separation, so I gave up. Put the new house on rent & told hubby

      “I will not be the girl that forces you to move & blamed for breaking up your family, but this set up does not make sense to me at all. So I will wait until you come to the logical conclusion on your own. Let me know when and where & I will pack my bags. I am not putting any more effort in house hunting."

      I also said: “until you decide to be an adult, I will not be an adult either. I will not do anything around the house, except for my own area. It's not my house."

      That was almost 1.5 years ago & we made no progress what so ever. I don’t know if I am being a good wife by letting him lead or am I enabling him to be a super lazy bum who lives off his brother & refuse to grow up. Of course his family is weird and the problem is not just him but the entire clan, otherwise why is no one saying a thing to him. I know his mom asked him not to move until his nephews are bit older, but what does older mean & why can't he look after his nephews from across the street if needed be.
      Life's too short learn to live in peace
      82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

        :salams

        If there are no problems with anyone living in your current house, then what's the dire need to move out? And why doesn't your husband want to move out? What's his reasons?

        Also, please don't say things like "...until you decide to be an adult, I will not be an adult either. I will not do anything around the house, except for my own area. It's not my house." It doesn't help the situation at all.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

          uggh....nightmare stuff :cold:

          sorry sis, I don't have good advice.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

            Inshallah your situation is resolved amicably, but it does beg the question why you married a "super lazy bum who lives off his brother" if you don't like it?
            Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

            None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

              See people...

              You shouldn't fall for the 'we'll only be living here for a short while' it's a trap lol.

              Sister if I was you I would put my foot down, you will be treated how you allow time be treated.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                Inshallah your situation is resolved amicably, but it does beg the question why you married a "super lazy bum who lives off his brother" if you don't like it?
                Hindsight, it's great isn't it
                I have no idea what to say but hope things became much better for you sister and everyone else too.
                :conf06:

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                  salaams to all

                  as a self professed mummys boy, i must say that i think this husband of yours is stupid
                  and i wonder about you too, why did u EVER marry him?

                  i think you should go home to your parents(if thats possible) until he wakes up.
                  in a situation like this, that seems the correct response

                  insha allah things will improve for u soon.

                  and Allah ta'ala knows best
                  jazakallah
                  Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                  very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                    :salams:

                    may Allah swt make your situation easy for you, all I can say is remember Allah Azzawajal..
                    Dont do anything silly and make a lot of dua to Allah.
                    The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It will be said to the companion of the Qur’an: ‘Read, and ascend, and recite as you used to recite in the [previous] world, for your status will be according to the last verse that you recite.’” [At-Tirmidhi (2914) and Abu Dawood (1464)]

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                      Originally posted by Sis_Asiya View Post
                      Life's too short learn to live in peace
                      What kind of advice is this.

                      She's a grown woman who has rights to her own accommodation. Why should she live with non mahrams.

                      OP Like I said before, put your foot down. I personally wouldn't stand for that.

                      Life is sooooo much better when you have your own private space. You don't mind, in fact it feels great to clean your own home. Not clean after a bunch of other people.

                      You can look how you want at home without fear of a non mahram seeing you, or even the parent in laws lol.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                        Too many women love to lie down and just take crap.

                        OP I do not think you are one of them. Ma shaa Allah you gave your husband many chances, now it's time to give him a wake up call.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                          Originally posted by lonelyniqabi View Post
                          uggh....nightmare stuff :cold:

                          sorry sis, I don't have good advice.
                          Same here. I prefer keeping my mouth shut , fearing to say something that may cause more problems in your marriage.

                          May Allah ease your situation soon.

                          In your story there's a good a lesson to women who don't want live with inlaws:


                          First, make it clear before marriage.

                          Second, never ever be lenient to move with inlaws, not even for one day in the beginning of your marriage. Because that one day, month ..etc may prolong to years .. who knows? and it happens a lot. Move directly to your own place from day 1 .


                          [MENTION=82174]InTheBegining[/MENTION] agree with u .
                          How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me :crying2:

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                            Originally posted by Kya View Post
                            Time for my annual review of my living situation. If you want more background information read my old thread on “guide to living with in law”. http://http://www.ummah.com/forum/sh...h-in-law/page2

                            In summary, husband was supposed to look for apt before marriage. His sister asked to wait until after the wedding so everything can take place in their elder brother’s house (sounded fine to me). 3 months later, no effort by husband to move out. By 6 month, I have had it, so I start house hunting on my own with help of my brother. After lots of disagreement, we finally found a house a year later. Husband and his family didn’t seem to be ready for the separation, so I gave up. Put the new house on rent & told hubby

                            “I will not be the girl that forces you to move & blamed for breaking up your family, but this set up does not make sense to me at all. So I will wait until you come to the logical conclusion on your own. Let me know when and where & I will pack my bags. I am not putting any more effort in house hunting."

                            I also said: “until you decide to be an adult, I will not be an adult either. I will not do anything around the house, except for my own area. It's not my house."

                            That was almost 1.5 years ago & we made no progress what so ever. I don’t know if I am being a good wife by letting him lead or am I enabling him to be a super lazy bum who lives off his brother & refuse to grow up. Of course his family is weird and the problem is not just him but the entire clan, otherwise why is no one saying a thing to him. I know his mom asked him not to move until his nephews are bit older, but what does older mean & why can't he look after his nephews from across the street if needed be.
                            As salamu alaikum Sis,

                            I am very surprised at your behaviour and the comments other sisters have made.
                            As a wife it is not your responsibility to run around and find houses and try to move out.
                            At the end of the day if your husband is happier staying at his parents home and you are not harmed then why is there such an issue.
                            Furthermore, interest is haraam and you've gone out your way to buy a house on mortgage which you may never move into which doesn't make you a better person does it?
                            You are not obliged to cook, clean etc.. and serve your in laws but you also need to feed your own stomach and your husband.
                            If you do things you will be rewarded and you will please your husband more.
                            If you sulk and become angry and move away from everyone you will make the time in the house very difficut.
                            And it doesn't mean if by doing this you might manage to move out because even if you do there will always be a clear divide between you and his parents etc...
                            The thing is sis a persons habits and character do not change so he will most likely remain himself.
                            What I would like to know is:-
                            Are you and your husband both praying?
                            Because for obvious reasons our prophet reminds us to marry someone of religion?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: A good wife or enabling bad behavior

                              For all the people saying 'why did you marry him,' please have some common sense. When we marry someone, we are not able to judge what kind of person they will become a year, 5 years, 10 years after marriage. For the record, marriage changes people and it's stupid and pointless to say 'why did you marry him?!' It isn't our business to know why they got married, for all we know, he could be an overall great guy with a bunch of redeeming qualities. Nobody is perfect, people. We all have our flaws.

                              [MENTION=43833]Kya[/MENTION], sometimes men just get lazy about stuff like this I think. They think they if something good is going, let it go for as long as possible. The best thing I can say is have a rational discussion with him and pray he gets it.
                              Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

                              Comment

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