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  • Co-Parenting troubles

    Salaam, I am new here and so glad I found this outlet to express my concerns. I have been up for hours searching for Islamically sound answers for this problem, but I have yet to find anything or the answers I have found were extremely depressing. I was a divorced mom of twin boys, who recently remarried. Even though I am no longer with my ex-husband we still maintain a friendly, co-parenting relationship for the sake of our kids. The problem is my current husband’s jealousy and pettiness keeps getting in the way of my children’s relationship with their father. Anytime I go to drop them off at their dad’s house, he insinuates that there’s something going on between us…astaghfirullah. It’s gotten so bad; I need to have another person with me for simple things like pick-ups or drop offs. I am someone who has always been independent and I hate bothering or burdening anyone for their time. My husband does not have any children of his own, so it’s difficult for him to understand the position he is putting me in. My ex has been very respectful of our boundaries and has never done or said anything to make me or my husband uncomfortable. Things got even worse recently when he went as far as asking me to ask their dad to sign his rights away, which was an absolutely disgusting and foul thing to request. Shutting my children’s dad out of their life because of his insecurity and jealousy is simply not an option for me. A father’s presence is vital, I grew up with my father, and I know how essential that relationship is for children’s growth, especially young boys. My sons love their dad; it hurts to know my husband would try to break that up. Before we got married, I explained to him clearly, that my children’s father would still have a presence in our life, and nothing would ever change that. He seemed okay with it, in fact he even commended me for it, so either he was lying or something changed along the way. I am not insensitive to his feelings at all, I understand how he feels as I had to deal with a very similar situation with my ex-husband as well; he had children with two different women before we met. However, the difference between me and my current husband is that, I had the ability to put my feelings to the side for the sake of the kids. I just wish my husband could do the same. If this continues I believe this would be grounds for divorce, I am so sick of the tension this has created between us. I am embarrassed to seek advice about this in person, as this is my second marriage and I don’t want people to know we are having problems this early on. We have only been married for a year but I have known him for 9 years. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • #2
    Re: Co-Parenting troubles

    Originally posted by Naz50 View Post
    Salaam, I am new here and so glad I found this outlet to express my concerns. I have been up for hours searching for Islamically sound answers for this problem, but I have yet to find anything or the answers I have found were extremely depressing. I was a divorced mom of twin boys, who recently remarried. Even though I am no longer with my ex-husband we still maintain a friendly, co-parenting relationship for the sake of our kids. The problem is my current husband’s jealousy and pettiness keeps getting in the way of my children’s relationship with their father. Anytime I go to drop them off at their dad’s house, he insinuates that there’s something going on between us…astaghfirullah. It’s gotten so bad; I need to have another person with me for simple things like pick-ups or drop offs. I am someone who has always been independent and I hate bothering or burdening anyone for their time. My husband does not have any children of his own, so it’s difficult for him to understand the position he is putting me in. My ex has been very respectful of our boundaries and has never done or said anything to make me or my husband uncomfortable. Things got even worse recently when he went as far as asking me to ask their dad to sign his rights away, which was an absolutely disgusting and foul thing to request. Shutting my children’s dad out of their life because of his insecurity and jealousy is simply not an option for me. A father’s presence is vital, I grew up with my father, and I know how essential that relationship is for children’s growth, especially young boys. My sons love their dad; it hurts to know my husband would try to break that up. Before we got married, I explained to him clearly, that my children’s father would still have a presence in our life, and nothing would ever change that. He seemed okay with it, in fact he even commended me for it, so either he was lying or something changed along the way. I am not insensitive to his feelings at all, I understand how he feels as I had to deal with a very similar situation with my ex-husband as well; he had children with two different women before we met. However, the difference between me and my current husband is that, I had the ability to put my feelings to the side for the sake of the kids. I just wish my husband could do the same. If this continues I believe this would be grounds for divorce, I am so sick of the tension this has created between us. I am embarrassed to seek advice about this in person, as this is my second marriage and I don’t want people to know we are having problems this early on. We have only been married for a year but I have known him for 9 years. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    :wswrwb:

    If everything is as you've said, and you are genuinely not doing anything unislamic to cause these doubts then the problem is not with you, but with your husband. He is the one who needs help and advice, yes we can tell him to tell him about the rights of parents, the need for both parents to be involved but sounds like he knows this already.

    So what needs to be done is he needs to seek help in overcoming his jealousies, which are destroying your bond with him.

    I would also say, are you telling him you feel this badly about the situation? If not then you need to talk to him, let him know how much he is affecting you and how you'd never harm your kids just to please him.
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    • #3
      Re: Co-Parenting troubles

      :salams

      I don't know if this has been applied, but if he has a problem why doesn't he drop them off?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Co-Parenting troubles

        Wslm

        Sadly the jealousy in mand may tend to go over board if we dont know how to control it.
        My take is that your husband needs re-assurance that you will be faithful to him so maybe you shoud give him this.
        Make it known that you could be anywhere else but you choose to be with him.

        You are not the only couple that is going through this.

        If you reassurance fails than I suggest you get an Aalim or a counsellor that you both have confidence in to arbitrate. There could be comething you doing which you see as harmless that spurs the jealousy on.

        See this as a positive... Some man are just shamelessly not worried about their wives.
        May Allah grant you both complete ease.Ameen

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        • #5
          Re: Co-Parenting troubles

          Originally posted by Winter View Post
          :salams

          I don't know if this has been applied, but if he has a problem why doesn't he drop them off?
          :salams:
          I think this brother has a point. Not justifying your husband's jealousy but there has to be a way for your ex to see the kids without You being involved. Let your husband know he can take them if it's such an issue
          :salams:
          The sunnah is like the ark of Noah, whoever embarks upon it reaches salvation and whoever refuses is drowned.
          ~ Imam Malik (may Allah have mercy on him)

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          • #6
            Re: Co-Parenting troubles

            Originally posted by Winter View Post
            :salams

            I don't know if this has been applied, but if he has a problem why doesn't he drop them off?
            My sister actually suggested this, and it would have been a good idea, unfortunately they have had their fair share of arguments and tension in the past so my husband really doesn't like to be around him.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Co-Parenting troubles

              Originally posted by Naz50 View Post
              My sister actually suggested this, and it would have been a good idea, unfortunately they have had their fair share of arguments and tension in the past so my husband really doesn't like to be around him.
              There should be no reason why you should be dropping your children off and meeting your husband, even if it is for a few mins of drop off....men have something called protective jealousy and I would be concerned if your husband didn't get jealous....Your ex should come pick them up, preferably with your husband present....they both need to put aside their dislike for each other and act like grown adults ...children will pick up on the tension and negativity....Sorry sister but I side with your current husband on this one......
              Also...I don't understand how your husband can be extremely jealous on one hand but then refuse to drop them off himself?
              Telling the bio father to give up his rights is wrong but maybe your husband's anxiety is making him say crazy things...
              Last edited by shay5; 18-10-16, 08:26 PM.
              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Co-Parenting troubles

                Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                There should be no reason why you should be dropping your children off and meeting your husband, even if it is for a few mins of drop off....men have something called protective jealousy and I would be concerned if your husband didn't get jealous....Your ex should come pick them up, preferably with your husband present....they both need to put aside their dislike for each other and act like grown adults ...children will pick up on the tension and negativity....Sorry sister but I side with your current husband on this one......
                Also...I don't understand how your husband can be extremely jealous on one hand but then refuse to drop them off himself?
                Telling the bio father to give up his rights is wrong but maybe your husband's anxiety is making him say crazy things...
                I have never heard of this term, I understand jealousy that's normal to an extent,but within reason when it in excess it can undermine me as a person too.We all have schedules to work around, I know there might be days were their dad is busier than others so it might not be feasible for him, we are flexible with each other for these reasons. So sometimes I drop them off at his house, and he picks them up here. As far as the dislike goes, sadly it is one sided, my sons father doesn’t have any problems with my husband. I believe my kids are starting to pick up on it, which is precisely why I choose to deal with him myself.It might not be the best situation but I believe its the lesser of two evils at this point.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Co-Parenting troubles

                  Originally posted by Naz50 View Post
                  My sister actually suggested this, and it would have been a good idea, unfortunately they have had their fair share of arguments and tension in the past so my husband really doesn't like to be around him.
                  Your husband can't have it both ways. Either he takes the responsibility of dropping them off or he should be quiet
                  Communicate this to him (be a lot more tactful than how I put it)
                  The sunnah is like the ark of Noah, whoever embarks upon it reaches salvation and whoever refuses is drowned.
                  ~ Imam Malik (may Allah have mercy on him)

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                  • #10
                    Re: Co-Parenting troubles

                    If you are serious about your marriage get someone else to drop the kids off, end of story.
                    Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

                    None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

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                    • #11
                      Re: Co-Parenting troubles

                      Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                      If you are serious about your marriage get someone else to drop the kids off, end of story.
                      This
                      I'm not married but I believe if I was in your situation and my husband calls or meets his ex wife even if it's for the sake of kids I would go crazy and turn the house upsidedown on his head lololz .

                      There should be a way that they take care of their kids but not contact or meet in person at all. They 're his kids but she's not his wife anymore.

                      I'm with ur husband in this regard.
                      Regards asking u to ask the father to give up his rights I guess he doesn't mean it literally. He just said it without thinking out of his frustration.

                      He doesn't want u to meet or contact ur ex .peroid
                      and for me it's not jealousy.It's his absolute right and normal thing.
                      How merciful Allah on me by giving me respite,and I persist in my sins and Allah shields me

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