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My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

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  • #31
    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

    Originally posted by Cubic View Post
    Honestly...how many of us men can actually say we can afford to have more than one wife?
    If UF sisters are the measure then I think lots of brothers can afford it. Sisters here are often saying they crave the simple life...simple wedding, simple living etc etc. If that is the case and not just mindless waffle then it's very much possible I would have thought.

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    • #32
      Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
      If UF sisters are the measure then I think lots of brothers can afford it. Sisters here are often saying they crave the simple life...simple wedding, simple living etc etc. If that is the case and not just mindless waffle then it's very much possible I would have thought.
      i doubt if they don't want to live with in-laws that they would want to live with a co-wife. Also "simple" could mean differents things to people. what is simple to a middle class person, is different to an upper middle class and a poor person.

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      • #33
        Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

        From one side, the conditions sound good.

        But what if the husband is going to marry a 2nd wife only because of his desires/lust.
        Then as a first wife, from the emotional side, I would feel treated unfairly, and I would prefer a divorce.

        Is something which cannot be set before marriage?

        I think I would be able to accept polygamy only for reasons different than lust.

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        • #34
          Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

          Originally posted by InTheBegining View Post
          I like how some sisters are so full of it. They come on like ''oh my condition is this and that''. But in actuality they don't even need to be told neither are their ''conditions'' binding in any way. In most cases these conditions are there just to make the process harder if not impossible.

          Instead of laying down these self loathing, scrap book conditions you're better of saying from the get go if this is something you are willing to be apart of or not. There is no point saying 'yes you can have a 2nd wife but she must be a shade darker than me, weight around 7kg more than me'' and all that silliness.
          Exactly its not up to the wife at all, the husband doesn't even need to tell her ( though I would advise against it.

          To be fair OP's conditions seem fair ,depending on what she means by "nobody lives off of the state"

          Would that mean private education as well, if so seems a bit unfair and harsh,

          Comment


          • #35
            Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

            Originally posted by Atwork. View Post
            i doubt if they don't want to live with in-laws that they would want to live with a co-wife. Also "simple" could mean differents things to people. what is simple to a middle class person, is different to an upper middle class and a poor person.
            Most people here are working class plebs. Most of the planet is. You can deduce simple from that first meet so you both know exactly what it means. However, to me simple would be going back to "basics"...getting rid of much of what you think you need today.

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            • #36
              Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

              Originally posted by Alina15 View Post
              From one side, the conditions sound good.

              But what if the husband is going to marry a 2nd wife only because of his desires/lust.
              Then as a first wife, from the emotional side, I would feel treated unfairly, and I would prefer a divorce.

              Is something which cannot be set before marriage?

              I think I would be able to accept polygamy only for reasons different than lust.
              If he told you it was for other reasons, would you accept it (the reason that is)? I think a woman is going to kick off regardless of what he says...logic/reason will go out the window.

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              • #37
                Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
                Most people here are working class plebs. Most of the planet is. You can deduce simple from that first meet so you both know exactly what it means. However, to me simple would be going back to "basics"...getting rid of much of what you think you need today.
                basics by what standards? 7th century? back home? neither of which people who live comfortably would want. and when i see comfortably i mean having an apartment, car, being able to buy a mac book pro without a care,

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                • #38
                  Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                  Originally posted by birdmanrots View Post
                  Exactly its not up to the wife at all, the husband doesn't even need to tell her ( though I would advise against it.

                  To be fair OP's conditions seem fair ,depending on what she means by "nobody lives off of the state"

                  Would that mean private education as well, if so seems a bit unfair and harsh,
                  she is talking about welfare. food stamps etc.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                    Originally posted by Atwork. View Post
                    basics by what standards? 7th century? back home? neither of which people who live comfortably would want. and when i see comfortably i mean having an apartment, car, being able to buy a mac book pro without a care,
                    Basic in terms of looking of what you have today and what you chase today and then saying to yourself what can you easily do without. What you describe of "comfortable" is not the way I would look at it. I can be comfortable in a 10 bedroom house and I can be comfortable in a 9 bedroom house...but could I do without both?...yes...why? because the majority of the planet seems to find a way.

                    You would struggle to get down to the lowest common denominator but that does not stop you from moving in the right direction. In most of our lives we can find waste...doing away with that would move you towards a simple life.

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                    • #40
                      Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
                      If he told you it was for other reasons, would you accept it (the reason that is)?
                      Polygamy is clearly mentioned in the Quran. There's a wisdom behind it I submit to that wisdom.

                      “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”
                      [al-Nisa’ 4:3]

                      However, there are some conditions men should understand about polygamy. Just treatment of wifes is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly, then in Islam it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. And if a man is marrying a 2nd wife for his lust while forgetting the 1st wife, from an emotional side despite providing whatever from the material point of view, then polygamy is not permitted.
                      (I am not a scholar, but this is what I've learnt).

                      In this case, as I said, I would prefer divorce and his desire of polygamy would be unfair. He should seek divorce too.

                      So yes, I would accept all the reasons that are permissible in Islam to have a plural marriage.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                        Originally posted by Alina15 View Post
                        Polygamy is clearly mentioned in the Quran. There's a wisdom behind it I submit to that wisdom.

                        “And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”
                        [al-Nisa’ 4:3]

                        However, there are some conditions men should understand about polygamy. Just treatment of wifes is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly, then in Islam it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. And if a man is marrying a 2nd wife for his lust while forgetting the 1st wife, from an emotional side despite providing whatever from the material point of view, then polygamy is not permitted.
                        (I am not a scholar, but this is what I've learnt).

                        In this case, as I said, I would prefer divorce and his desire of polygamy would be unfair. He should seek divorce too.

                        So yes, I would accept all the reasons that are permissible in Islam to have a plural marriage.
                        That's not what I was referring too.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                          Okay, I've read through the replies so I'm here to clairfy the following:

                          "Living off the sate": what I mean here is seeking benefits - money that you need to survive off of in order to live because you have no income coming in from the husband. There are certain benefits a person is entitled to in the UK even if they work e.g. child tax credit (or whatever it's called). I'm obviously not referring to that. The purpose of this condition is to weed out potentials who would take a second wife knowing full well they cannot afford one and simply let the state provide for them. I will not have my children watch as one or both of their mothers do not get their full rights.

                          Conditions not set by Allah: honestly this is a ridiculous thing to say. To any Allah-fearing man, the following conditions would be common sense so as to put as much ease in the marriage for the wives as possible. Why do the men who seek polygamy want to make marriage a trial for their wives? Do they get off on seeing the women in their lives unhappy and trapped? At least if you meet these basic conditions you will be seen to have earnt the benefits that polygamy provides. Not to mention setting a terrific example for the children - which is far more important than anything else.

                          I have seen time and time again men marrying women from abroad and essentially condemning each wife to essentially the life of a single mother for extensive periods of time. They do this because it is cheaper to marry back home. No consideration for the feelings of the wife and children he is leaving behind for 6 months. Any man with common sense (and a heart) would agree with condition number 1 - even if hurts his pocket.

                          A woman has to be so patient and sacrifice so much in a polygamous marriage. And yet there are some complaining about these conditions? Is the wife not entitled to provision, accommodation and your time? These conditions do not negate the concept of or prevent polygamy - these conditions are supposed to aid it so in the eventuality of a potential taking a second wife, they have agreed to such conditions and if they fear Allah should do their best to fulfil them. And if a potential is desperate for polygamy but they do not think they could ever meet those conditions (or want to) they should just cut the poor girl loose and find someone else with lower standards or someone not smart enough to bring up the topic.
                          And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
                          http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                            Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
                            Okay, I've read through the replies so I'm here to clairfy the following:

                            "Living off the sate": what I mean here is seeking benefits - money that you need to survive off of in order to live because you have no income coming in from the husband. There are certain benefits a person is entitled to in the UK even if they work e.g. child tax credit (or whatever it's called). I'm obviously not referring to that. The purpose of this condition is to weed out potentials who would take a second wife knowing full well they cannot afford one and simply let the state provide for them. I will not have my children watch as one or both of their mothers do not get their full rights.

                            Conditions not set by Allah: honestly this is a ridiculous thing to say. To any Allah-fearing man, the following conditions would be common sense so as to put as much ease in the marriage for the wives as possible. Why do the men who seek polygamy want to make marriage a trial for their wives? Do they get off on seeing the women in their lives unhappy and trapped? At least if you meet these basic conditions you will be seen to have earnt the benefits that polygamy provides. Not to mention setting a terrific example for the children - which is far more important than anything else.

                            I have seen time and time again men marrying women from abroad and essentially condemning each wife to essentially the life of a single mother for extensive periods of time. They do this because it is cheaper to marry back home. No consideration for the feelings of the wife and children he is leaving behind for 6 months. Any man with common sense (and a heart) would agree with condition number 1 - even if hurts his pocket.

                            A woman has to be so patient and sacrifice so much in a polygamous marriage. And yet there are some complaining about these conditions? Is the wife not entitled to provision, accommodation and your time? These conditions do not negate the concept of or prevent polygamy - these conditions are supposed to aid it so in the eventuality of a potential taking a second wife, they have agreed to such conditions and if they fear Allah should do their best to fulfil them. And if a potential is desperate for polygamy but they do not think they could ever meet those conditions (or want to) they should just cut the poor girl loose and find someone else with lower standards or someone not smart enough to bring up the topic.
                            Bolded and underlined...surely the conditions would therefore not be required for such a man, right???

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                              Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post
                              Bolded and underlined...surely the conditions would therefore not be required for such a man, right???
                              How the hell am I supposed to know if a potential is Allah-fearing who views these conditions as common sense without telling him these conditions and seeing his response?

                              The reason it is a condition set before marriage is because it is important that he agrees to it before marriage and recognises that if he cannot meet the three conditions and pursues polygamy anyway - he is in breach of the contract and most importantly not a man of his word. Wallahi that's disgusting. I pride myself in doing everything I can not to break commitments or promises I have made so if a husband did that - in a situation so important - I would no longer see him as fit to lead my family. And on that basis as well as the fact that his bad behaviour is no doubt going to leave a scar on my children, I would want to end things there.

                              Don't see the problem with making a potential aware of this.
                              And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers." (11) Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not. (12) - Surat al-Baqarah
                              http://www.ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Re: My conditions for Polygamy (kinda)

                                Originally posted by EenieMeanie View Post
                                How the hell am I supposed to know if a potential is Allah-fearing who views these conditions as common sense without telling him these conditions and seeing his response?

                                The reason it is a condition set before marriage is because it is important that he agrees to it before marriage and recognises that if he cannot meet the three conditions and pursues polygamy anyway - he is in breach of the contract and most importantly not a man of his word. Wallahi that's disgusting. I pride myself in doing everything I can not to break commitments or promises I have made so if a husband did that - in a situation so important - I would no longer see him as fit to lead my family. And on that basis as well as the fact that his bad behaviour is no doubt going to leave a scar on my children, I would want to end things there.

                                Don't see the problem with making a potential aware of this.
                                You don't need to know...your wali to ensure he does not let any old donkey turn up on his doorstep.

                                You make it sound like sisters just grab any old random.

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